Magibon: A Crippling Addiction
There was a time, Internet, that was very dark for me. I wasn't always the smirking, black-coffee-drinking, mountain of abs that writes articles for your enjoyment every Friday afternoon. There was, gentle readers, a dark time in my past, and I think it's time I share it with you. This time occurred after I was a street vigilante, but right before I started officially writing for Cracked. (Because my past is so filled with exciting mysteries and intricate and complex details, it's easy to get lost. As a guide, I've provided this helpful, though incomplete, timeline:)
I'm talking about that awful period around 2006.
I'm talking about addiction, friends.
For a while, I thought it was great. I spent all my time with my new drug, and I thought I can't imagine a better way to spend my life. But I stopped eating. And sleeping. I went weeks without seeing my family or the sunlight.
All I did was sit in front of my computer and watch videos of Magibon. She's one of Youtube's newest stars. Have you heard of here? Each of her videos receives millions upon millions of views, so it's clear that I'm not the only one who was addicted. But boy, I certainly was addicted, no question. Lucky for you folks, I was smart enough to chronicle my addiction process from start to finish. Hopefully, once you've seen what an addiction like this can do to your life, you'll be smart. You won't end up like me or the millions of other poor bastards that have been glued to Magibon's videos.
Day 1:
A friend sent me this clip one morning:
What the hell? Nothing technically happened. This was just 35 seconds of a vaguely Japanese girl blinking at the camera... How the hell did this clip get over 1,300,000 views?
...
I'm gonna watch another one. Maybe I missed something the first time around.
Well at least she talked in that one, that's kinda cute, I guess. I don't know if it warrants a million views, but okay.
Maybe I should watch another one...
Day 5:
Oooh, we've got a lot to say now, don't we, Little Magibon? Now, my Japanese is, at best, nonexistent, but I'm pretty sure she said she wanted to have a picnic with me. If that's the case, then yes, Magibon, I would love to have a picnic with you. (I was shouting at the computer screen at this point.)I would love to have a picnic with you.
Day 11:
And in that video, she and I ate pizza together.
Look! Look how cold she is! Isn't that precious? Someone get my little princess a scarf. Look at you with your tiny little nose you- you are something else. You're cold, aren't you? Aren't you!?
[At this point I blacked out, so I don't really remember much. My girlfriend-at-the-time says that I came after her with a knife and tried to make a scarf out of her, mumbling "CiaoNowByeByeMaggieDess" the whole time. But she tends to exaggerate. Anyway we broke up or whatever.]
Day 17:
[On the phone with Cracked Headitor Jack O'Brien.]
DOB: Yo, Jakk Wylde, (of the Jack Label Society), I found this girl and I really think Cracked needs to hire her.
Jack: There's something so frustrated and mesmerizing about this girl. I can't stop watching these clips you sent me... I kind of... I kind of want to cook for her, like, just cook a meal for her, is that weird?
DOB: I bought her an engagement ring. Hire her.
Jack: I don't even... I mean of course I'd love to, but what would we have her do?
DOB: I don't fucking care, Snap Jackle & Pop, just make it happen. Give her all the money.
Jack: Did you see the one where she eats pizza?
DOB: Give her all the money!Day 24:
[After I watched this one, I sent out a cryptic message to everyone I knew. ]
"If you guys don't give it your all this year, I'm gonna fucking come after you, and I'm gonna kill you. I am going to track down every single one of you and I swear to Christ I will cut your throat if I find out for even a second that you're not giving it your all. One fucking second."
[It was the first anyone had heard from me in over three weeks.]
----------------------
Eventually, I'd passed out due to lack of food and water, but not before sending out a series of, in retrospect, threatening letters to Japan asking them to let me meet Magibon "if they knew what was good for their stupid country full of lollipop-shaped rice-muchers." (Again, my deepest, most sincere apologies to Japan and all who dwell within, lollipop-shaped or otherwise.) I did about six months in Hazelden and now I can safely say I am completely clean, but still pretty confused about the whole ordeal.
What is it exactly about this Magibon that made her so irresistible? Not just to me, but to the millions and millions that watch every single one of her videos? At the end of the day, she is a 21 year old woman from Brooklyn pretending to be a 15 year old girl from Japan. And that's... that's kinda weird, but not weird enough to deserve as much attention as she's gotten. She's just got this delicate mixture of pointlessness and...Huh. Come to think of it, I guess it's just all pointlessness. Or pointlessness mixed with blue t-shirts, or pizza or something. Is that the formula for internet stardom? Having nothing relevant to say plus having access to a french bread pizza? Or is it Being tiny and of indecipherable ethnicity plus having the ability to blink?
I mean, at first I was just curious why she had so many hits, but that doesn't explain why I kept watching her. Is anyone else stuck on this girl? If I'm alone in this, someone please explain it to me. Someone explain how this unremarkable girl got millions of views, and explain why I watched every god damn one of her videos several times.
And, Magibon, if you're reading, I think it'd be good if you sent me an email so we can touch base and chat and maybe get a little married or whatever.
I don't see it. The first one was like a video of an awkward silence and the two after it have talking but still seemed awkward. I mean...I'd DO her and everything just...there are tons of cute girls on YouTube, most of whom do things (though sometimes that something is stupid). A handful are even for-real Japanese. There's nothing special about this one in particular. That said, I've learned a few things from looking into her:
Reply-Weekly Playboy apparently does not contain nudity. Bikini, yes, but no nudity. At least none of her.
-Her videos are mostly like that first one, with the silence and the nothing.
-She did voice work for a Japanese movie. Her claim to fame is being mostly silent on YouTube and she got voice work in Japan. What is fuck? Its like making a cartoon of Teller in Germany except stranger because Teller is famous outside of an internet niche.
-I never did research for school, but cute and Japanese-ish sends me digging through the internet like there was a treasure map involved. I am a chump.
shes not asian enough damnit whats the point of stareing at a not large breasted asian chick that doesent even look asian she is kinda cute now that i look at her a little more
ReplyThe thing I do not get is how she is so irresistable when she is actually quite ugly. I would stare at a cute chick for hours, but she isn't she is ugly. If a cute girl made a video I'd stare at her sure, maybe stalk her a bit, but Magibon is just ugly, and the facial expressions she pulls are ugly, and it is damn creepy that she is doing that aged 21. 17 year olds doing that is fine, they are allowed crippling self-worth, but not 21 year olds! They are at their peak!
ReplyActually, if I enjoyed 17 year olds doing that, I think that would make me a paedophille...
I'm actually IRL 14, so I can go nuts.
Someone reminded me of Magibon, and I came straight here. Good times.
ReplyI miss office DOB, a bit.
me too
Years after, it's still so good.
hahaha i have to keep stifling my laughter
ReplyIt has to be the eyes. They're just so large and cute... and mesmerizing.
ReplyVery informative website. Thank you master! Best regards.
ReplyI made a drinking game out of it. There's only one player (me) and I have to restart the video repeatedly but every time she blinks you take a shot! My liver hates me.
Replyi've personally just vowed to never never never never never follow a link from this site again. i went to that thing's site. you know my response- to lock all the doors of my house.
Replyseriously.
the hell was that? the hell????? cause clicking on the link took me not to an odd cute-ish sort of japanese looking girl but to some black and white whimpering mostrosity that looked like something between a snuff film and i don't know..........i didn't watch long enough and refuse.......no. why!!!!!
so you know what i'm doing know to block out the horrible sight/sound. watching madtv. watching mad-fucking tv.
thank you oh so much.
Magibon's success in Japan is just another example that JAPANESE ARE FUCKIN' WEIRD. (I just can't say it enough.)
ReplyDOB's abs are tough, but Chuck Norris has abs too and fists and feet. Would have to say DOB's abs are out numbered in that fight. Also I think Chuck Norris's whole is greater than the sum of his parts.
ReplyEpic win right there, Glendoor.
ReplyAlso: I wonder whether DOB's abs could take on Chuck Norris. I mean, Chuck Norris is well-known for being the meanest motherfucker around, but then again- DOB's abs could cut you just by looking at you... It's a close one.
"See? That’s truck loads of comedy. Our responses have both been educational and comical whilst remaining mildly on topic."
ReplyNo, truckloads of comedy is two nerds arguing over imaginary situps.
@Professor
ReplyMy excitement shall not be quelled by your pleas of "calm down"! Besides, if it's a comedy website and we want to treat it as so, then wouldn't it have been funnier if you had said something like "you can do 2 sit up in 2 years". You know, it works the ridiculous humor angle and prevents questioning for how you came up with such an insightful quantity.
I worked the "over the top nerd" angle that was prompted by an alluring mathematical dilemma. By allowing myself gratuitous cursing in my pondering of your ingenious math skills and lemming-like following of the number of years I was able to propel my response further into geekdom.
See? That's truck loads of comedy. Our responses have both been educational and comical whilst remaining mildly on topic.
@Toe
ReplyFirst, calm down. It's a comedy website.
Second, I used 2 years becaomse the question was "how many sit up could you do in two years?"
Thrid, I just used what a normal to tough abs workout would be... 500-1000 abs per day and then multipied by the number of days in 2 years...
@ J-Pappi (formerly Jonathan) "I fill up right before the state line if I have to drive through Alabama to avoid stopping."
ReplyOh please, Alabama isn't that bad. Though I do consider where I live the extreme northern
Gulf Coast.
Glad you cleared up that taint thing.
@Glendoor, that was a different Jonathan. I fill up right before the state line if I have to drive through Alabama to avoid stopping. And for the record, my taint is usually pretty clean (as far as taints go) but I still assumed it would be difficult to breathe through. Especially since I probably outweigh her by 150 pounds or so. But then, I've honestly never tried, myself; not flexible enough.
Reply@kingmonkey , yeah I figured it was really you, she kept saying "aboot" with a Japanese
Replyaccent.
@Professor
ReplyExplain that math... Besides, why the hell is everyone stuck on 2 years? 2002-2005 is fucking 4 years.
Lets break it down with my assumptions. Even the most unfit person ever can probably knock out 500 sit-ups in a day with no previous training. I mean, if your description for 4 years is just "sit up" we're gonna have to treat it as a job. 8 hours a day of sitting up has to net you at least a 5% improvement per month. In 48 months you're looking at doing 5200 sit ups a day for your last month. Over the 4 years thats 2,024,550 sit ups given that you do them Mon-Fri and then ponder how amazing you are on Sat and Sun.
2 MILLION sit-ups. That's why DOB's abs can cut you just by looking at them.
I just did a quick calculation, and I estimate you could do between 438,000 and 730,000 sit-ups in 2 year period if you did an abs workout every day of those two years.
Reply