Madonna: Fuglier Than A Keebler Elf

So it seems Madonna and her husband, Guy Ritchie, haven't been having sex lately. Why? Well, according to Madonna, it's because Ritchie's cookie diet robbed him of his sex drive. Seriously.

There are so many things wrong with that statement, I don't know where to begin. First, cookie diet? Does that even exist? The odds of losing weight eating cookies are about as good as Cracked.com's chances of winning big at the webbys.

Second, since when do sweets make you want to shun sex? Have you taken a date out to dinner and said, "Oh fuck, maybe if I set fire to the tablecloth before dessert comes I can still get laid tonight."

And third, I'm not a doctor, but unless a chocolate chip is lodged in Ritchie's urethra, I'm pretty sure cookies have nothing to do with why he's not tapping Madonna. That's just some excuse he made up. "Uh, oh, sex? Uh, gee, I'd love to, but, uh, y'know, I can't because... um... COOKIES!!! Yeah, cookie diet. Yup. Damn cookies. Otherwise, I'd love to. Oh, and I can't load the dishwasher because um, there's a donut monster in our kitchen." Now some of you may be asking, "Why would anyone want to make up an excuse NOT to have sex with Madonna?" Oh, no reason:

Ya see, I'm sure marrying Madonna seemed like a great idea twenty years ago, but so did snap bracelets. And unlike Madonna, your snap bracelets (I'm looking at you Dan O'Brien) probably have retained some of their natural elasticity. Oh, that reminds me of a joke. What do you call Rudy Guiliani in a wig and a stupid green hat. Give up?

Or maybe I'm wrong. No, not about the cookie's magic erection-robbing abilities. That's asinine. Maybe I'm wrong about Madonna's age being the culprit. Perhaps, Ritchie's just tired of the non-stop bukkake nightmares he keeps having, starring his wife, Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, Dennis Rodman, and the 1989 cast of Cats. Give him a break, Madonna. That can't be easy. And in the meantime, I don't know, have you considered a substitute? A Twinkie perhaps?