One of the more ego-stroking results of the little Lunch Hour Sketches DOB and I have been posting is the number of comments pointing out how tall, lean and indie-chic I am, and how video evidence suggests that I’d be a much better lover than say, a Rivers Cuomo or Daniel O’Brien.
I’m paraphrasing a bit, but you get the point.
At first, I balanced these comments out with the ones saying “wow, Mike looks better than I thought, considering that on Cracked TV he looks like a fat, fatty fat chubby fat guy with my ass for a toupee.”
But, over time, the part of my brain responsible for blocking out negative Internet comments to keep me from sobbing in the fetal position all day convinced me that people probably masturbate furiously whenever I’m on camera now.
And I’ve got to say, I’m OK with that, as long as you laugh at the same time and use protection (who knows where your hands have been?).
You may be wondering exactly how I shook those last 30 or 40 pounds. The answer is simple friends: brown fat. Not running, not eating right, not one of those fashionable Hollywood bulimias—brown fat.
What is brown fat? According to a number of recent studies, it’s a kind of fat whose only purpose is to burn away other kinds of fat by producing heat. Brown fat cells aren’t hooked up to anything in particular, but they process tissue into ATP and then just let it rip.
Originally, this was a way for cavebabies to survive harsh nature and mothers who probably left them in snowbanks for hours at a time without really thinking it was a thing.
Nowadays, it turns out, humans have more brown fat than ever. And scientists theorize that the reason is that our bodies are slowly evolving to combat the current greatest threat to our species: obesity. That’s right folks: WE’RE SUCH FATASSES THAT OUR BODIES ARE EVOLVING TO COMPENSATE FOR IT.
Researchers are calling it “akin to developing a new organ.” Really, it’s to be expected. When we needed to see farther to scan the horizon for predators, we learned to stand upright. When we wanted to stop living in huts made of piled elephant shit, we learned to use tools. And now that our hearts are clogged with chunky turkey gravy, we’re literally growing organic exhaust pipes just to vent some of the excess.
Actually I guess we aren’t “literally” doing that; that would be kind of gross.
Naturally, as a well-respected fatty and known scientist in the field of… that one about how the human body works, I was shipped several crates of the stuff to test for myself. I don’t know who they harvested it from, and I didn’t ask (but my guess would be Oprah).
All I know is, the stuff is incredible. Roll in it, smear it on problem areas, eat it, shoot it, snort it… any way you get this stuff in you, it does the trick.
I haven’t tried it as a sexual lubricant yet (still looking for a lucky lady to assist me in that little experiment), but I imagine my genitals would emerge looking sleeker and more well-defined than ever.
So I’m all for it. Who cares if simple lifestyle changes could have accomplished the same task? The lesson here is that no matter what bad things we do to our bodies, evolution will invent an organ to deal with it.
Go ahead public: smoke that cigarette, eat that burger and leap from that building. I’m sure your body will develop a third lung, pocket of brown fat or pair of giant hairy bat wings before any horrible consequences befall you.
In fact, assuming that the abstract God-being that is Natural Selection will be just as receptive to my opinions as the rest of the world is, I’d like to suggest a few new organs I wouldn’t mind finding in the old meat-fridge (that’s what I call my body).
The Sobriety Gland: A relative of the adrenal gland, the sobriety gland (nestled just behind the left ear) releases a rush of chemicals that immediately cleanses all alcohol from the bloodstream. Its powerful endocrinal cocktail is triggered whenever an authority figure or oncoming car is perceived. If such a gland is biologically infeasible, explosive punches may be substituted.
The Nozzles of Langehans: These follicle-sized nozzles in the male armpit release a visible cloud of pheromones that instantly attract women to the sprayer. Now even loser Internet comedians can walk into a trendy bar, let a cloud rip and be home in time to snuggle up in front of the newest Lost. Naturally, the nozzles are also paired with a small gristle-like valve called simply “the body’s pharmacist” which prevents the contraction of any STDs and causes ejaculate to be lemon-scented.
The Organ Organ: I’ve just really always wanted to play the organ, and it’d be nice if they were more portable.
The Pizza Secreter: More or less self-explanatory, although I should point out that while it can do both thick and thin crust, the thin crust pizzas are secreted from a part of the body that renders them less than appetizing. And don’t even get me STARTED on where the chicken wings come from! (It’s the butt. The chicken wings come out your butt.)
The Twittersphere: A small, underdeveloped portion of the cerebral cortex that formulates thoughts only in segments of up to 140 characters, and compels the owner to plug their own Twitter feed at the end of any written communication, like a total tool.
If you’d like to keep up with Michael on Twitter, start following him @SWAIM-CORP! Hurry, before it gets bought out by DOB_INC and the tweet prices skyrocket!
This entry was posted on Thursday, April 16th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Evolution, Medicine, Natural Selection, Obesity, Uncategorized, fat. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
How I Spent My Summer Vacation, By Michael Swaim (Age 24)
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Hollywood Gives Up: Keanu Reeves to Play Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde
The 5 Most Likely Ways Humans Will Become Obsolete
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November 19th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Wow…..Swaim, how do you come up with this stuff
September 23rd, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Its wishful thinking. I do suppose its possible for some people to have a brown fat gene though, but I’m no geneticist (I do play one on TV though)
Everything else was pretty ghey though. I expected more!
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Just one thing about “The Nozzles of Langehans”. Most women aren’t really all that attractive. Even at a trendy club, you’d have some unwanted women following you around all night.
September 19th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
hahaha. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who is pretty much in love with Swaim due to his sexy smart sense of humor.
Who doesn’t love a funny, intelligent guy? The world needs more of them.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Who cares what you look like? Your sense of humor and promise to reproduce children with similar levels of comic genius are all a girl really wants anyway. (:
June 1st, 2009 at 3:43 am
Good article,damn funnyand interesting - thanks!
May 4th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Damn, Swaim! Why in the hell would you want a sleeker shlong? Ladies are all about the girth!
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:27 pm
I usually don
May 2nd, 2009 at 6:50 am
This is weird. If you read the other articles by Swaim, nobody complements him on his looks nearly as much as all these lonely girls who fap to a picture of a fully dressed man and afterward heat up some cold spaghetti.
April 21st, 2009 at 12:02 pm
A “lucky lady to assist [you] in that little experiment?” FYI… I’ve always wanted a lover with his manhood glazed in brown fat.
April 21st, 2009 at 12:27 am
http://www.whycindywhy.com/?id=unhuurwamawhd5czz7xwlhg2imohh3
April 20th, 2009 at 2:32 am
This was great, I loved it. You really made me laugh. Nice writing.
April 20th, 2009 at 1:17 am
I bet all these girls commenting on SWAIMs good looks etc. are made by Michael himself… Must be.
April 19th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Dammit Swaim, you should know by now! Guys want to be you and girls want to be with you! And some guys too… Wait.
That means there’s a guy somewhere around the world fapping to your image. Make what you will of that piece of information.
April 18th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
http://www.whycindywhy.com/
April 18th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Huh. You are looking pretty nice there Swaim.
Nice article, too.
April 17th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Wait… why would you want your genitals to look sleeker?
April 17th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Well statistically it’s POSSIBLE for evolution to occur over a single generation, just highly unlikely. It’s POSSIBLE for a genetic mutation to occur in one generation, then the individual to whom that mutation occurred to tap lots and lots of sweet ass.
Just not very probable.
April 17th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Yeah, not exactly evolution unless it happens over many many generations. Otherwise good article
April 17th, 2009 at 8:15 am
Just wanna say, wtf, F*ck all these so-called Hollywood Super Stars!!
True beauties are actually among ourselves, check this out http://Tallconnect.com hot and sincere tall girlrs, young girls and handsome men there are much more attractive and charming!!!! search and find our own beauties today!!! lol
April 17th, 2009 at 5:23 am
I am waiting impatiently to evolve to a point where I don’t need to use a razor to be hair free. Scalp, eyebrows and lashed can stay, the rest needs to be gone.
April 17th, 2009 at 4:59 am
i’d just like to clarify that factually it’s not evolution if it’s already inside of most humans (minus cases of genetic mutation) we’ve just regressed to such poor living conditions that our odies are making up for that fact that taking a jog is probably less healthy (thanks to air polution) than sitting on your ass and writing this artical. way to be proactive, mikey.
April 17th, 2009 at 4:47 am
I’ve always thought that you were hot.
Always.
♥
And yes, I am female. XD But sadly living in Asia where I cannot stalk the cutie that is Swaim during my weekends as I’m sure *some* other lucky girl can do.
April 17th, 2009 at 3:13 am
fap fap fap fap
April 17th, 2009 at 3:04 am
After exhaustive research (I tire easily), I have determined that the real answer is in fact 37. It was hiding in the fake answer of 42 the whole time (cheeky bastard)!
P.S> WTF cannot the site autofill the required fields if I am already logged in?
April 17th, 2009 at 2:52 am
DAMN, Swaim. You lookin’ fine.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
That was the greatest article you’ve done yet. Sure it was hard to understand the first 8 or 9 times but I did figure it out. I had mommy tell me exactly what all the more complex four letter words meant and we ignored anything past that. I mean I thought at first the article was the clown bum but then you used the word butt. I’m still giggling.
Also ignore the fact that I can’t read four letter words but can write them liberally. IGNORE!
April 16th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Wait a minute, katie, he has a twitter? Shit, how do I always miss these things?
April 16th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
Well damn, Swaim, I always thought you were hot.
Give me a funny guy any day…mmmmm…funny guys
April 16th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
Mr. Swaim,
I see that you have not addressed the moral conundrum of harvesting the non-white races to satiate our brown fat needs. Am I to take this to mean that you, in your infinite beneficence, have sanctioned the practice? Or alternately, perhaps you do not deem the question to be of moral import? If either of these be the case, I should appreciate a prompt response, as I grow short of both white and black fat, and possess a superfluity of brown folk who are only growing more and more restless.
Cordially,
FrodoSaves
April 16th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
I have a thing for homegrown organs. They are so very delicouis on toast.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
I don’t understand.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Dear Swaim,
I have always thought you were very sexy. Never had to lose no nothin.
I’ve avoided twitter this entire time, but it looks like I’m going to have to follow yours. Damn you, Swaim!
This was a comment,
Katey.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
What the hell are you talking about Swaim?
Rivers Cuomo is a great lover!
April 16th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
I don’t know why everyone was so surprised that Swaim is fit and tall. I’ve always imagined him ripped and muscular. Sliding closer… our arms embracing as we realize that we’ve both been denying our true feelings… sweat rolling down his firm, hard abs as our lips–
I mean, yeah. I was surprised Swaim wasn’t a fatass, too.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
i am too old to be a fan of swaim but i am
April 16th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I admire your optimism Lithium, I’m sure it’s not misplaced. Is the answer to it all really 42 though? I sincerely doubt it (and I’m sure most of us sincerely hope it isn’t either)
April 16th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
If we are smart enough to come up with the question, then we are smart enought to figure out the answer.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
It is indeed a curious God who can enable us to ask the big questions but fail farcically to find the answers. But, Demmagog, you are right. The biting reality of our cosmic insignificance is a chilling, crushing thought. Heck, I don’t even matter on an interpersonal level, much less an inter-planetary one. However, Mr. Swaim and his musings help me set my face like flint towards the morass with a rueful smile and a middle finger pointed defiantly towards the fates.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Old Spice is the way to go, especially at strip clubs when the pungent nautical scent makes you oh so attractive to the women there that have daddy issues (meaning all of them.)
Twitter has to stop. No one needs to know when you ate a turkey sandwich. When Ashton Kutcher has almost as many subscribers as a “news” organization then it is officially a useless tool
April 16th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
What do you think god does all day Eblana? He creates stones too heavy for himself to lift, plays billiards with unstoppable forces and immovable objects, watches photons go back in time… he doesn’t give a damn that those things are paradoxes to our little brains.
April 16th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Here’s a question I fear only the mighty cerebrum of Michael Swaim can answer but is open to all pretenders to his illustrious throne: Could God create a stone so heavy he couldn’t lift it? I need to know, my faith in the very concept of Omnipotence is at stake.
April 16th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Commentator? I meant commenter. Excuse my folly.
April 16th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Oh Swaim, you dog. And thank you for reinforcing my belief that being lazy and eating whatever the hell I want will serve me well in life. I will continue my exercise routine of jamming out in my computer chair when “Mr. Blue Sky” by ELO comes on shuffle on my iTunes and nothing else. And I agree with commentator Julie, Old Spice is the way to go. Just ask Bruce Campbell.
April 16th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
I hadn’t seen that, but it’s pretty rad. Thanks!
April 16th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
i think you stole the “twittersphere” from supernews.
http://current.com/items/89891774/twouble-with-twitters.htm
that, and i think said organ is being developed about as fast as brown fat.
April 16th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
You know what? I’m gonna get me a Twitter account, just so I can sign up to your feed! Even though you’re obviously a total douche for using this article as a shocking plug for your stuff, you cheer me up with your zany antics and hilarious acronyms, so everything is forgiven.
April 16th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Now I don’t normally call people on simple misspellings (since they are typically typos), but when you spell “Our” as “Are”, you’ve got problems
April 16th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
“The Nozzles of Langehans”
It’s called Old Spice. Every male should wear it.
April 16th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Are bodies wouldn’t be evolving theyd be compensating, evolution takes thousands if not millions of years through random mutations.
April 16th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
You know why I’m so SUPERIOR?!?! Because I’m more evolved.
You’ll see…. I have developed a Douche-gland (Next to my pineal gland), that allows me to make miself look like a fucking idiot, losing my life posting wothless shit on cracked, and at the same time feeling like the tip-of-the-lance of a new and cool generation of witty writers.
My body is creating new organs as I write, I can feel it…..
And this is not like that time(*) I forgot that dildo(*2) up my ass, this time is different.
I’m changing.
I hope I grow out two or three new assholes and at least an extra mouth.
That way, I can get more guys to fuck me at the same time, in a violent, sweaty and painful party of manly gay sex.
Oh, I’m SO SO cute, I’m such a good writer, and I can defeat DOB, you, or Rambo in a spelling contest in five minutes.
*Okay, it happened more like 5 or 6 times, but who keeps counting? right?
*2 To be honest, it was more like a dildo, a rubber duck and a cock (Like chicken, not like dick)
April 16th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Good stuff.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
I checked your twitter, bad boy! Your picture looks gay in a good way.
Also, whenever I click on the Those Aren’t Muskets! link, I get a Internet Explorer couldn’t open the page!
Is your page some sort of elaborate joke, or is my internet incredibly stupid?
April 16th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
The Twittersphere is no less than awesome !
April 16th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Actually Glendor I think your right, DOB DOES have a pretty mouth….. mmmmh just thinking about him gets my ass sweating…
April 16th, 2009 at 11:32 am
I feel like this whole article was just a huge setup to plug “@SWAIM_CORP”…best punchline ever?
April 16th, 2009 at 11:27 am
you r way better then that Gladstone person.
u should be the next doctor on doctor who. just what to do with Matt Smith?
April 16th, 2009 at 10:34 am
@ DonkeyKong
“The Nozzles of Langehans would back fire, attracting “every” woman is not the desered outcome at any trendy bar. Perhaps one pit would have the nozzle and the other pit could shoot twinkies or cupcakes to deter the fatties.”
Amazing!
April 16th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Biologically there are a lot if mistakes. Given that’s it’s comedy I’ll refrain from posting them here, instead I’ll just make a list myself and spread it around to other biologists. That’’s how we have fun.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:47 am
http://www.whycindywhy.com/?id=my451uo8b2×45tghnj1pu8ij9vk16e
April 16th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Yuki, you represent everything I hate about the internet.
As a side note, I’m looking forward to that third lung.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:01 am
Wow, Yuki, you are such a weeaboo.
Also, randomness? Not funny.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:50 am
hey also, click in my name and visit my deviant art! maybe you’ll like some of my stuff~ (lol)
And also… Swaim I love you!!!!
April 16th, 2009 at 8:49 am
by the way, the “(wii)” wasn’t for the “nintendo wii” it was like “wii” of “”wiiiiii~~~ lets do random stuff!”
April 16th, 2009 at 8:47 am
You are so awesome~!!!
You are the best here on cracked, you really are~!
Now, I’m making an oficial fan-club about you (wii) and you are going to marry ME… well… acually no, I really want to get married with Takuya from An Cafe but the point is that you are awesome~!
And I love you
(lol)
April 16th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Doctorchaos, I’m reposting this in case you missed it last time I posted it. Please get some help dude, you are obviously mentally ill.
“Doctorchaos said,
“I feel physically disgusted every time I read this site’s HORRENDOUS attempt at comedy.”
Well Dr. Chaos there is a simple solution to your disgust ……DON’T FUCKNG READ IT YOU ASSWIPE!!!!!
And as far as your opinions about how this site should be run, Well we have a saying here in the good Ol’ US of A, and I’m sure all countries have a variation of it. Quite simply it states……
Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one and most of them stink.
Yours definitely fall into the stink category, like your opinions stink so bad they would gagged a motherfucking maggot eating twenty day old hamburger meat that someone carried around in their crotch.
Your opinions stink so goddamn bad they gag people like a vulture would gagged trying to eat the southbound end of a of dead dog, with mange, buried under a land fill full of shitty used diapers, from babies that had dysentery and cholera.
Your opinions stink so bad they would gag people worse than Graham Norton trying to deep throat an eighteen inch dick would gag.
So what I guess I’m trying to say is put that cock ring in your mouth and please for the love of SHUT THE FUCK UP ( or not, I’m retired and this give me something to do besides yard work)
To wrap up, I think my most important point can be summarized in one word…….BOOBS.”
Since all the Cracked.com writer seem to think that their loyal fans want to have sex with them, I also want add my two cents worth about which Cracked.com I like to have sex with.
MIND YOU THIS IS HYPOTHETICAL PRISON SEX, I’m straight by the way.
Swaim, too tall and has funny hair.
Brockway, has a beard and is balding( when I have sex with someone only one of us should be balding and have a beard and that would be me.)
Bucholz, is a robot.
Seanbaby, since he has been posting internet comedy since Al Gore invented the internets he is probably way to old.
Gladstone, is way, way to fucking hairy
DOB, WE HAVE A WINNER! Damn! that boy’s sure got a pretty mouth.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:34 am
I remember how Swaim and I battled valiantly against the Orinjin Alliance off the shoulder of the Naboolo Sector over 70 Kropchecks ago. He was stouter then, yes, but only because he had to be. In physiology we humans give away height, weight and reach advantage against Orinjins. Many of them fell that day to our freshly smelted Lynophalluses. I would have had many Larjiks penetrate my Snigdul were it not for his keen senses. Swaim was resourcefulness and tenacity personified throughout the whole campaign and it was no surprise when he received his Rugchum of Valour award from the one and only Snardack of Vishnar. I was, and am still now, proud to call him my Pupjum. All hail Swaim.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:31 am
I’ll be the lucky lady!
April 16th, 2009 at 8:31 am
You enjoy all the comments from the ladies, dont ya Swaim? (or ARE they ladies?) O.o
April 16th, 2009 at 8:25 am
@doctorchaos - Wow. I love how you’ve decided that Swaim can’t write funny articles, but that you yourself are the cleverest blogger alive and need to grace the comments section with an oh-so-witty parable. Even if this article WERE sub-par, your comment would still make you an unbelievably hypocritical numbnuts.
Swaim, ignore the douche who is too lazy or too unfunny to write his own Cracked articles. I loved the article and laughed out loud. I’m requesting that Natural Selection grant me a gland that would block out all smells every time I use public transportation. The bus is a filthy, filthy place.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:24 am
That’s right creationists.
Go fuck yourself.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:22 am
I gotta admit, until you started doing these videos I had you pegged for 6 feet tall, tops. Being 6′2″ myself, I always felt a little better knowing that regardless of how many solicitations for meaningless sex Swaim got in his comments, at least I was taller than him, dammit.
Now that small piece of solace has been taken from me. I probably still weigh more, but that’s hardly an accomplishment. Apparently the brown fat I have needs to get its ass in gear, so I don’t have to.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:18 am
how did you get a picture of a cavebaby? I thought they were extinct!
April 16th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Your dick is the only place where you need to be fat, Swaim. Be careful with those experiments.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:03 am
Marry me?
Pretty please?
I never thought you looked all that bad on Cracked TV. I mean, you make 19th century lesbians look hot as fuck.
That being said… just do it.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Hilarious, Swaim, once again. The comments about you and DOB’s looks on those videos were ridiculous. I’m glad you called them out.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:44 am
I love you, Michael Swaim.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:35 am
Swaim, you are SUPER sexy…and hilarious. You might be the perfect man! xoxoxCourt
April 16th, 2009 at 7:14 am
Why is Cracked lying about this article coming out today? I read it yesterday, and made certain by checking that the first comments are from April 15th. Was 4 new articles too much to credit to one day?
April 16th, 2009 at 7:12 am
I hereby nominate Mr. Swaim as the new Secretary of Evolution. That’s how this stuff works, right? Right?
Elspeth–just ignore it, and eventually it’ll go away. (Like an STI, right, Dr. Swaim, Esq., M.D.?)
April 16th, 2009 at 7:05 am
Does Swaim ever get laid by the ladies that post on here?!?! He better be turning that humor into tail.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:57 am
Doctorchaos: I don’t want to know who put what in where in your childhood, but I’m not sure even that covers how much of an unbelievable douchebag you are.
Swaim: Love it, as always, how come brown fat isn’t universally recognised as the bast thing in the world?
April 16th, 2009 at 6:55 am
So I fallowed the link to the Washington Post article about brown fat, and found this little jem at the end:
“Enerback, the Swedish scientist, … “I don’t think there will ever be a pill that substitutes for a fundamental change in lifestyle in the treatment of obesity.” ”
And I lol’d.
Silly European, come to America, we’ll show you how it’s done.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:43 am
The best way to lose weight is to drink tap water from the developing world. Intestinal parasites are a fatty fat fat fat’s best friend, if you’re into reverse bulimia.
(And I revoke my YouTube comment alluding to your unattractiveness. My ovaries pop for you Swaim, they really do.)
April 16th, 2009 at 6:39 am
I’m envisioning a new docu-drama movie coming out later this year. A sad, yet compelling true story of a man who fell from grace, then fell from wherever he landed after grace, and kept bouncing off shit all the way down a deep rocky crevace in a Homer-esque fashion, until finally landing at the door of a little know, barely literate childlike man called Daniel O’Brien.
Daniel, (the villain) at this point, locks the protagonist in a small animal cage, and gives him an ultimatum.
“I sense you have a true talent for producing short amusing video’s, so instead of encouraging you to create more of those, and finding you a bigger budget for more special effects and features, I’m going to give you 3 minutes to write a space filler article for my website, and if you can’t I’ll fucking shoot you, here’s a purple crayon and a roll of toilet paper, DO IT!!!”
The rest of the movie is basically a big lead up to the sad ending whereby this article is created and released upon the world like a new and improved version of the Ebola virus, causing bleeding from the eyes in 9 out of 10 people who are unfortunate enough to read it. This movie will not feature Dustin Hoffman and the little black and white monkey from “Friends”.
This article has all the appeal of a post-midnight infomercial, and a prostate exam from a doctor who never trims his fingernails. I wasn’t quite sure where this was going, and apparently neither did it, so we followed each other around for several minutes each hoping the other would find a way out of the terrible tragedy that was developing around us, and then I at least was rescued by the scroll wheel on my mouse.
SWAIM, I can’t say it often enough, you’re just NOT funny in written form. Your videos are great, you have a genuine appeal and I usually look forward to seeing your work, the key word there is SEEING not READING, although yes both are visual media, but they each trigger differnt parts of the braain, and only one leads to the “laugh at this shit” command centre.
To clarify, this sux, make more videos. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve been invited to a “Nemesis” forum, and I’m quite keen to check out the latest doomsday devices on display.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:27 am
You better master that sobriety gland, othewise every suprising thing that happens while you’re drunk (most everything) would kill your buzz.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:17 am
That’s right Americans, you don’t have to do anything to combat your gluttonous over-eating - nature has got you covered. Once natural selection has weeded out the worthless amongst you, the rest of you can… oh wait…
April 16th, 2009 at 6:07 am
ah evolution, the newest sensational diet!
April 16th, 2009 at 5:42 am
Yes, but assuming that every human male had the Nozzles of Whatever (bound to happen eventually, with passing down genes and whatnot), wouldn’t the males cancel each other out?
April 16th, 2009 at 5:34 am
Ah yes, The Nozzles of Langehans. I am a game developer, and there are guys convinced that not showering for several weeks can have the same effect on women. (Hint: It doesn’t)
April 16th, 2009 at 5:16 am
There is no way you could be a better lover than Rivers, and his big black dick.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:16 am
Seems evolution is already helping you, with the bit of your brain that blocks out negative Internet comments in order to keep you alive (rocking in foetal position can be very time consuming, and detract from such important things as eating and sleeping). Don’t tell me that’s something that was already part of the human genetic makeup.
It’s ok Swaim. I thought the videos were very funny.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:06 am
Where does the glaze for garlic knots come from?
April 16th, 2009 at 5:05 am
oh yea sorry i forgot great article and great videos! the sobriety gland distract me with its awesomeness
April 16th, 2009 at 5:04 am
my live would of been alot easier if i had a sobriety gland, if that thing kicked in whenever i was about to do something stupid when drunk, i probaly would of seen more concerts, got my ass kicked a little less, and not made a complete ass out of my self infront of the really hot girl who thought i was funny, and then i got to drunk, and threw up in her laundry basket and start babbling about 9/11 conspiracies, until she kicked me out of her room and then woke up next to the really FUGLY chick with the cellulite neck.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:30 am
The Nozzles of Langehans would back fire, attracting “every” woman is not the desered outcome at any trendy bar. Perhaps one pit would have the nozzle and the other pit could shoot twinkies or cupcakes to deter the fatties.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:25 am
Watch like half of these comments be “I will assist you in trying it as a sexual lubricant”.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:22 am
I think it’s possible that Twitter could have made you thinner. My Twitter made my dick bigger. Yay Twitter!
Also good use of Brockaway’s baby pic. He was a hairy beast of burden wasn’t he?
April 16th, 2009 at 4:18 am
A very solid point. Why struggle with silly lifestyle changes when nature will adjust accordingly to compensate for our needs? It happened in Wall-E, you know. And as we all know, the kind of future presented in computer animated films for children will definitely happen to us. Reality be hanged!
April 15th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
I thought maybe you were making up the brown fat thing (sorry) until I was sitting here trying to think of a good current event article for my Health class and brown fat popped into my head and I looked it up. THANKS MICHAEL
April 15th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Psh, shows how evolved you are–already got me a pipe organ, dontchaknow
April 15th, 2009 at 11:29 am
cool article, i once commented he doesnt look so bad (fat) in the videos (i saw)
April 15th, 2009 at 9:30 am
The Organ Organ would come in so damn handy in those boring social situations when you have nothing to amuse yourself with and *some* people would consider it “inappropriate” to start playing with your regular organ.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Ha! Awesome.