If you’ve been wondering why some posts on this blog have seemed thin and phoned in lately, I’ve got some answers for you–unless you’re talking about Gladstone’s posts; I don’t know what’s wrong with that guy.
But on the off chance you’ve sensed a little haste in my posts as of late, like calling a koi pond a coy pond, or referring to the Holocaust as if it didn’t happen, then you’ll be happy to know that I’m not off my game; I’ve just been hauling boxes of all my worldly possessions up three flights in order to move into my brand new Los Angeles apartment, complete with famousness guarantees and a self-service cocaine bar (currently understocked).
Why the move? Well, to be honest, a number of star-crossed romances went south and a healthy percentage of the San Diego Mormon population wanted me out. And you don’t say ‘no’ to a mob of guys with pitchforks and magic underwear.
But even though I’ve been a Hollywood celebrity for a whole 48 hours now, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m nothing more than a small-town kid lost in the Big City. So I thought it’d be worth our while to get to know Los Angeles the only way a Blogger knows how: Googling.
Join me, won’t you, for a brief walking tour of the City Of Angels? Except instead of walking we’ll be sitting on our fat asses, and instead of Meg Ryan riding a bike with her eyes closed and getting hit by a truck…actually, we’ll keep that part.
THE HEADLINE: Oh My, Mini Me
The Gist: Verne Troyer, soon to be known as Oscar Winner Verne Troyer for his stunning performance in The Love Guru, is sexually functional. Who knew? This lady, who videotaped their sex and has made the tape available through TMZ.com
What Can We Learn? That Hollywood can be as cruel as she is generous. And that Verne Troyer has a massive penis. Seriously, he’s shaped like a gavel.
Overall Impression: I’ll have to start having sex in an EMP suit when I’m famous.
How Much It Makes Me Want To Live in L.A.: A lot. Where there’s sex tapes, there’s sex, and me having it.
THE HEADLINE: A Need For Beer
The Gist: An old woman drove her car through the front window of a liquor store in Long Beach, then got out of the car, went to the coolers, and attempted to purchase a six-pack of Bud Light.
What Can We Learn? Los Angeles is a city on the move. We like our beer domestic, our store windows out of the fucking way, and our elderly incarcerated on $15,000 bail.
Overall Impression: As long as I maintain my habit of only drinking alcohol poured down the length of a Corinthian leather chaise lounge, I think I’m in the clear.
How Much It Makes Me Want To Live in L.A.: Somewhat. I don’t care for flying cars, but I love brass, and this lady’s got it in spades.
THE HEADLINE: Los Angeles Police Shut Down Airport Roads Due To Bomb Threat
The Gist: LAX got shut down when a man claimed to have explosives on his body, and police brought in a robot to inspect his bags, which turned out to be the exact opposite of explosives. Which is to say, they violently imploded.
What Can We Learn? Robots love bombs.
Overall Impression: The LAPD, despite their reputation, are calm, clear-headed individuals out to make everyone safer, even crazy guys at airports. In fact, I bet after the beating was over, they all had a big laugh and bought the guy a drink.
How Much It Makes Me Want To Live in L.A.: Neutral. Robots are awesome, but for all I know the only one they had just imploded.
THE HEADLINE: Police Officer Sues LAPD And Los Angeles, Alleging Religious Discrimination
The Gist: An LAPD Sergeant and off-time pastor is suing the police department for discriminating against him due to remarks he made at a fallen officer’s eulogy regarding the “sinfulness of homosexuality” and the “lake of fire to which gays are condemned.”
What Can We Learn? Never ask a police officer to give your eulogy.
Overall Impression: Okay, maybe I was hasty about the whole “police are good” thing. I’ll have to put on some N.W.A. and meditate on it for a while.
How Much It Makes Me Want To Live in L.A.: Starting to dip. I’m nothing if not respectful to the gay community, and to eulogies.
THE HEADLINE: California Man And Alleged Accomplice Charged With Slaying Four
The Gist: Two guys broke into one of their ex-wife’s house, and killed her and her kids and new boyfriend with a baseball bat and samurai sword, then burned down the house.
What Can We Learn? What?! They did what?!
Overall Impression: With a baseball bat and a WHAT?!
How Much It Makes Me Want To Live in L.A.: Get me the fuck out of here!
So if you’re wondering why my posts next week seem a little thin or rushed, it’s probably because I’m busy hauling all my shit back to sunny San Diego. At least Mormons don’t use swords.
And if I am still in L.A. this time next week, rest assured it’ll only be because The Gap is on fire and Britney’s moving out.
Michael is head writer and co-founder of the hot-shot L.A.-based sketch troupe Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Thursday, July 3rd, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under Celebrities, Los Angeles, My Life, News, Sex Tapes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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April 15th, 2009 at 3:48 am
Hey, cool tips. Perhaps I’ll buy a glass of beer to that person from that forum who told me to go to your blog
July 11th, 2008 at 2:21 am
Hi, guys, nice discussion, But it is new year now, would you love to try something new to celebrate these great days? How about interracial hot dating? mixed loving . c o m you will be surprised
July 9th, 2008 at 4:36 am
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July 7th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Please be advised the the sword fight drinking contest was not with me, at the time I was probably off somewhere making the world safe for oil companies and Mrs.glendoor42 was known to have taken up with some 17 year old crimefighter with supposedly great abs by the name of Donald O’ Bannion or something.
July 7th, 2008 at 8:08 am
I once participated in a sword duel over a girl. And by sword duel, I mean prolonged drinking contest. The girl was very impressed by my ability to remain upright and marginally coherent. She was mine, heart and soul.
And that’s how I met Mrs. glendoor42!
On a Swaim note, I just watched Michael Keeps His Promise for the dozenty-twoth time. That one just keeps me laughing every time. Bravo, Monsieur Swaim, bravo.
July 6th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
One time I broke my arm and I had to wait to have it operated on because some guys the night before had gotten into a sword fight over a girl.
July 5th, 2008 at 9:30 am
As far as I can remember most Mormons only go as far as playing games, praying and making your Agnostic guests feel very uncomfortable.
July 5th, 2008 at 9:24 am
Swaim, as an actual Mormon, I would like to tell you that our official mob policy leans more toward shovels and rakes. Pitchforks only really come into play regularly in the more rural areas of Utah and Idaho. You must have been mighty awful to get the official Mobbin’ Forks handed out.
Is this move going to adversely affect TAM!, or am I still going to have a reason to live?
July 4th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
be sure to go to Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.. google it, I’m not joking the food is actually amazing
July 4th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Oh yeah, and what does this mean for TAM?
July 4th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
A fucking samurai sword….
Gta VC much?
July 4th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
That pic of Britney really scarily reminds me of my ex.
The oversized sunglasses especially.
Yeah, fuck you Kirsty.
July 4th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Impure, Long Beach is part of Los Angeles County.
July 4th, 2008 at 9:13 am
Did your mom and I ever tell you we really wanted a girl? No? Consider that a going away present you ungrateful little perv. Your mom has made meatloaf and grape juice everynight this week. Do you understand how nauseating it is to eat that shit 5 nights in a row?
July 4th, 2008 at 8:56 am
Your room in the basement will always be here for you, son. I’m making meatloaf, your favorite. Don’t you want your grape juice? Please come home.
July 4th, 2008 at 7:49 am
Sweet! Swaim, did you read that? You’ll be swimming in plus-size pussy befor eyou know it! (Provided your financee doesn’t mind.)
July 3rd, 2008 at 11:22 pm
And PlusMeet.c o m, ___the home of plussize singles’ home.
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:46 pm
The greatest danger in LA? Replicants.
Remember Swaim, if by any chance you see Rutger Hauer coming your way, do comedy a favor and FUCKING RUN!
Also, don’t touch Jack Bauer. You probably would be dead by the end of the hour.
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:03 pm
I live in LA and think its one of the greatest cities. I’ll always rememeber moving here and going to my first coke and whore party. You’re going to have a blast.
July 3rd, 2008 at 6:31 pm
You know long beach isn’t in Los Angeles right? It’s a bit to the south.
July 3rd, 2008 at 6:09 pm
The Harvest must go on, Swaim.
You cannot stop it.
July 3rd, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Michael Swaim sounds alot like Corey Haim. And we all know what happened to that guy. You’ll fail Swaim, They always do.. You’ll be turning tricks for rent money in 3 hours, that’s how hard your going to fail.
July 3rd, 2008 at 4:53 pm
What’s a baseball bay?
And L.A = super smog city! Have fun contaminating your lungs! Heh.
July 3rd, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Is it true you have to wear an oxygen mask outside there?
And what about the rumours of cannibalistic plastic surgeons roaming the sewers?
July 3rd, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Man you are gonna love L.A. . I was born and raised here and let my family move back here to be raised here too, while I finished my military career abroad. This is one of the greatest
places in the country, you’re only like an hour from the beach, the most beautiful beaches in the world, I might add and the property taxes are low, great hunting and fishing, great golf courses and…….Oh…….I see…… after actually reading the article, instead of looking at the funny pictures, ……you mean Los Angeles, not the original L.A., Lower Alabama.
I went to LA once, had an hour layover at LAX before I went to Korea. That all I got to say about that.
July 3rd, 2008 at 2:31 pm
“And you don’t say ‘no’ to a mob of guys with pitchforks and magic underwear.”
Thats hilarious swaim.
Watch out for those scientologists.
July 3rd, 2008 at 2:14 pm
I am so looking forward to seeing you devolve into a street performer quoting lines from internet party for some blow.
Remember Swaim, no matter how big you get, I’ll always be 3 hours ahead of you time zone wise.
July 3rd, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Los Angeles…Los Angeles…I know I’ve heard of it before. Oh, yeah. The largest collection of wackos in the world. That’s right. Well, I just hope Cracked gives you enough to pay your dues to the Church of Scientology. There’s a requirement to join in all the Renter’s Agreements there, I’ve heard.
July 3rd, 2008 at 12:07 pm
I will not be fodder for your harvest, you heathen monkeys!
July 3rd, 2008 at 11:51 am
As do I. As. Do. I.
July 3rd, 2008 at 11:34 am
I know it’s what I want.
July 3rd, 2008 at 10:18 am
Thats what everybody wants.
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:57 am
Swaimy, why? Don’t you know L.A. is where talent goes to die? But before that it gets drunk, high and starts showing off it’s no-no parts to TMZ. Is that what you want?! Well?!
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:43 am
Moving out there in a week and a half, John Swaimos. My apartment doesn’t allow dogs, which a) means I won’t have an adorable little puppy to keep me company and b) means you’ll have no reason to visit me.
We’ll call that a draw.
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:12 am
Congratulations on the move?