Los Angeles: Home To Movie Stars, The Wayans Brothers, And Me
If you've been wondering why some posts on this blog have seemed thin and phoned in lately, I've got some answers for you--unless you're talking about Gladstone's posts; I don't know what's wrong with that guy.
But on the off chance you've sensed a little haste in my posts as of late, like calling a koi pond a coy pond, or referring to the Holocaust as if it didn't happen, then you'll be happy to know that I'm not off my game; I've just been hauling boxes of all my worldly possessions up three flights in order to move into my brand new Los Angeles apartment, complete with famousness guarantees and a self-service cocaine bar (currently understocked).
Why the move? Well, to be honest, a number of star-crossed romances went south and a healthy percentage of the San Diego Mormon population wanted me out. And you dont say no to a mob of guys with pitchforks and magic underwear.
But even though Ive been a Hollywood celebrity for a whole 48 hours now, I cant shake the feeling that I'm nothing more than a small-town kid lost in the Big City. So I thought itd be worth our while to get to know Los Angeles the only way a Blogger knows how: Googling.
Join me, wont you, for a brief walking tour of the City Of Angels? Except instead of walking well be sitting on our fat asses, and instead of Meg Ryan riding a bike with her eyes closed and getting hit by a truckactually, well keep that part.
The Gist: Verne Troyer, soon to be known as Oscar Winner Verne Troyer for his stunning performance in The Love Guru, is sexually functional. Who knew? This lady, who videotaped their sex and has made the tape available through TMZ.com
What Can We Learn? That Hollywood can be as cruel as she is generous. And that Verne Troyer has a massive penis. Seriously, hes shaped like a gavel.
Overall Impression: Ill have to start having sex in an EMP suit when Im famous.
How Much It Makes Me Want To Live in L.A.: A lot. Where theres sex tapes, theres sex, and me having it.
THE HEADLINE: A Need For Beer
The Gist: An old woman drove her car through the front window of a liquor store in Long Beach, then got out of the car, went to the coolers, and attempted to purchase a six-pack of Bud Light.
What Can We Learn? Los Angeles is a city on the move. We like our beer domestic, our store windows out of the fucking way, and our elderly incarcerated on $15,000 bail.
Overall Impression: As long as I maintain my habit of only drinking alcohol poured down the length of a Corinthian leather chaise lounge, I think Im in the clear.
How Much It Makes Me Want To Live in L.A.: Somewhat. I dont care for flying cars, but I love brass, and this ladys got it in spades.
THE HEADLINE: Los Angeles Police Shut Down Airport Roads Due To Bomb Threat
The Gist:LAX got shut down when a man claimed to have explosives on his body, and police brought in a robot to inspect his bags, which turned out to be the exact opposite of explosives. Which is to say, they violently imploded.
What Can We Learn? Robots love bombs.
Overall Impression: The LAPD, despite their reputation, are calm, clear-headed individuals out to make everyone safer, even crazy guys at airports. In fact, I bet after the beating was over, they all had a big laugh and bought the guy a drink.
How Much It Makes Me Want To Live in L.A.: Neutral. Robots are awesome, but for all I know the only one they had just imploded.
THE HEADLINE: Police Officer Sues LAPD And Los Angeles, Alleging Religious Discrimination
The Gist: An LAPD Sergeant and off-time pastor is suing the police department for discriminating against him due to remarks he made at a fallen officers eulogy regarding the sinfulness of homosexuality and the lake of fire to which gays are condemned.
What Can We Learn? Never ask a police officer to give your eulogy.
Overall Impression: Okay, maybe I was hasty about the whole police are good thing. Ill have to put on some N.W.A. and meditate on it for a while.
How Much It Makes Me Want To Live in L.A.: Starting to dip. Im nothing if not respectful to the gay community, and to eulogies.
THE HEADLINE: California Man And Alleged Accomplice Charged With Slaying Four
The Gist: Two guys broke into one of their ex-wifes house, and killed her and her kids and new boyfriend with a baseball bat and samurai sword, then burned down the house.
What Can We Learn? What?! They did what?!Overall Impression: With a baseball bat and a WHAT?!How Much It Makes Me Want To Live in L.A.: Get me the fuck out of here!
So if youre wondering why my posts next week seem a little thin or rushed, its probably because Im busy hauling all my shit back to sunny San Diego. At least Mormons dont use swords.
And if I am still in L.A. this time next week, rest assured itll only be because The Gap is on fire and Britneys moving out.
Michael is head writer and co-founder of the hot-shot L.A.-based sketch troupe Those Aren't Muskets!
Hey, cool tips. Perhaps I'll buy a glass of beer to that person from that forum who told me to go to your blog :)
ReplyPlease be advised the the sword fight drinking contest was not with me, at the time I was probably off somewhere making the world safe for oil companies and Mrs.glendoor42 was known to have taken up with some 17 year old crimefighter with supposedly great abs by the name of Donald O' Bannion or something.
ReplyI once participated in a sword duel over a girl. And by sword duel, I mean prolonged drinking contest. The girl was very impressed by my ability to remain upright and marginally coherent. She was mine, heart and soul.
ReplyAnd that's how I met Mrs. glendoor42!
On a Swaim note, I just watched Michael Keeps His Promise for the dozenty-twoth time. That one just keeps me laughing every time. Bravo, Monsieur Swaim, bravo.
One time I broke my arm and I had to wait to have it operated on because some guys the night before had gotten into a sword fight over a girl.
ReplyAs far as I can remember most Mormons only go as far as playing games, praying and making your Agnostic guests feel very uncomfortable.
ReplySwaim, as an actual Mormon, I would like to tell you that our official mob policy leans more toward shovels and rakes. Pitchforks only really come into play regularly in the more rural areas of Utah and Idaho. You must have been mighty awful to get the official Mobbin' Forks handed out.
ReplyIs this move going to adversely affect TAM!, or am I still going to have a reason to live?
be sure to go to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.. google it, I'm not joking the food is actually amazing
ReplyOh yeah, and what does this mean for TAM?
ReplyA fucking samurai sword....
ReplyGta VC much?
That pic of Britney really scarily reminds me of my ex.
ReplyThe oversized sunglasses especially.
Yeah, fuck you Kirsty.
Impure, Long Beach is part of Los Angeles County.
ReplyDid your mom and I ever tell you we really wanted a girl? No? Consider that a going away present you ungrateful little perv. Your mom has made meatloaf and grape juice everynight this week. Do you understand how nauseating it is to eat that shit 5 nights in a row?
ReplyYour room in the basement will always be here for you, son. I'm making meatloaf, your favorite. Don't you want your grape juice? Please come home.
ReplySweet! Swaim, did you read that? You'll be swimming in plus-size pussy befor eyou know it! (Provided your financee doesn't mind.)
ReplyThe greatest danger in LA? Replicants.
ReplyRemember Swaim, if by any chance you see Rutger Hauer coming your way, do comedy a favor and FUCKING RUN!
Also, don't touch Jack Bauer. You probably would be dead by the end of the hour.
I live in LA and think its one of the greatest cities. I'll always rememeber moving here and going to my first coke and whore party. You're going to have a blast.
ReplyYou know long beach isn't in Los Angeles right? It's a bit to the south.
ReplyThe Harvest must go on, Swaim.
ReplyYou cannot stop it.
Michael Swaim sounds alot like Corey Haim. And we all know what happened to that guy. You'll fail Swaim, They always do.. You'll be turning tricks for rent money in 3 hours, that's how hard your going to fail.
ReplyWhat's a baseball bay?
ReplyAnd L.A = super smog city! Have fun contaminating your lungs! Heh.