Longest Blog Post Ever! But Don’t Worry, It’s About a Show You Don’t Watch

For a few years now, highly influential opinion makers like Slate.com, Stephen King and myself have been wildly calling The Wire “the best show on TV,” and audiences have been wildly ignoring us. You’re statistically more likely to have read an article praising the The Wire than you are to have actually watched an episode. While this probably has something to do with its decision to focus on black characters who don’t speak in two to three word catch phrases, even I have to admit that it can be tough to get into. Over it’s four year run, which will culminate in a fifth and final season starting on Sunday, the show has unfurled more plot lines than a Dickens novel, and refused to tie any of them off into neat little bows like Dickens did.

That’s right TV viewing public, it’s less accessible than Dickens! Are you programming your Tivo yet?

This is where most articles of this sort would tell you that the show rewards your patience with characters that get under your skin. But that’s all been said before. What is really worth noting is the herculean effort it took me to turn a Wire primer into a Cracked-style update.

As the editor of Cracked.com, it is my duty to listify anything and everything. I have turned articles about great literature and hegemonic decline into lists. If Dante had submitted the Divine Comedy to me, I would have edited it into “The Top 9 Circles of Hell” complete with a YouTube clip of each level’s horror movie equivalent. But The Wire is so sprawling, and chock full of characters and plot strands that it presented a unique challenge.

After literally minutes of intense contemplation, I believe I’ve come up with a Wire primer that people might have read in a hypothetical universe where people actually care about The Wire. Behold…

The Top 4 Wire Theme Songs
One of the show’s many awesome quirks is that it uses a different interpretation of the same theme song over the opening credits of each season. In anticipation of the upcoming fifth, and final season, I’m going to take you through the theme songs for the first four, explaining what each represents about that season of the show, and ranking them from worst to best, because that’s the only way I know how to organize things (this is handy for editing a website, but could prove problematic when rearing children).

#4. Season Two

Gravelish croaking over spare instruments, Tom Waits’ version of his own song is the least listenable of the four versions, and wound up as the theme for arguably the least watchable season of the show. If Season One’s focus on the drug dealers was microeconomics, than Season Two was macro. It’s focus on the drugs’ movement through the ports required the show to shift focus from a bunch of hyper-intelligent drug dealers to a bunch of fat unionized Polish dock workers. But, Season Two is probably the most satisfying to watch beginning to end. Most of the dock workers’ character arcs are contained within the season, and it even has a twist ending that would make M Night Shamylyan poop his pants. I tried to come up with a way to say that Waits’ version is ultimately the most rewarding to listen to, but it’s not. It’s painful. The analogy between song and season will have to be imperfect.

#3. Season One

The Original, the one they went with before the version by the guy who wrote the damn thing. This version of the song feels worn and slept-in. It’s not jarring, just smooth and easy to take, though it doesn’t make the brilliance of the lyrics jump out at you. And that’s fitting since the first season could have easily been confused with just another cop show. Sure, it was a brilliant cop show, and it focused without sentiment on the lives of the supposed bad guys, but it didn’t have the ambition or scope of the seasons to come. It wasn’t yet clear that the city of Baltimore was the most important character in the show. But at the end of the day, this is the season that introduced all the other great characters that would drive the show for the next four seasons.

#2. Season Three

After Season Two’s nails on a chalkboard intro song, this version’s reggae infused R&B was like coming back to an old friend. Ahhh, see? This song doesn’t have to suck. Season Three of the show had a similar feel. It’s purported focus was politics, but the dealers and cops from Season One once again carried the lions share of the screen time. Stories that were set in motion in Season One were finally resolved. Omar, the gay stick up artist, went from great character, to the best character on the show, and we were given a death that somehow managed to feel heartbreaking and satisfying at the same time.

#1. Season Four

Finally, the best version of the song for the best season of the show. This version is actually by four Baltimore teens and has the most attitude, takes the most liberties with the tempo, and earns every risk it takes. If you listen to it next to Waits’ version, you can hardly believe they’re the same song.

The fourth season took a huge chance by spending half of its time in the classroom with a group of elementary school kids. Sounds like a mine field of trite writing, message-y messages, and bad child acting, right? But, using a cast of mostly Baltimore natives, Season Four managed to be the most well acted, and most effecting of the four. Omar went from greatest character on the show to greatest character on TV. And the goddamn kids break your heart like they’re your own. It was the first time I realized that when I’m 50, kids will be watching The Wire in high school.

#?. Season Five
Couldn’t find it on YouTube, but saw it at a friend’s who has HBO on Demand. If the trend of there being a connection between song and season continues, it looks like a group of bad synthesizers will be figuring heavily in the plot of Season Five. Oh well.

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