Local Tweens Totes Caught Texting Behind Roller Rink
This past whenever, a collection of tweens were for reals seen texting behind the Dry Hump Roller Rink on the corner of 5th and Grind. The tweens seemed to think no one could see them texting, but we totes could. Apparently, the back parking lot of this particular roller rink is a hot spot for the local tweenagers to text in an adult-free zone. The dults just dont get it, says Brytnee Halter, top cheerleader at her school and one of the texting tweens. We may be young, but were not kids. That's why we call adults 'dults. If we think were old enough to text, and texting is one of our fave things to do, then why shouldnt we?
Many of the tweens parents are appalled by this revelation and have perfectly good reasons why they dont want their kids texting. First of all, that texting stuff is expensive, says Brytnees mom Britney. If I wanted to pay an extra 40 bucks a month, Id buy real butter. If I didnt want to pay an extra 40 bucks a month, Id probably change my plan to include more texting. She paused briefly, then made a quick phone call to Verizon. Was there a second of all? Oh, right, continues Britney. No.
Some tweens dont even text behind the roller rink. They simply watch others text. My rents wont let me have a cell phone, says Jadrian Blaker, a tween who frequents the back of the roller rink to overcome his textual inadequacy. I understand why not. Im too young to start texting and I call my parents 'rents.' But that doesnt mean I shouldnt learn how to now, so when I am ready, Ill be ready, you know? Jadrian feels so strongly about this, he has even started a new club at school called Learn Or Lose (LOL), which promotes textual awareness. Were not promoting texting, explains Jadrian. We just think tweens these days should have as much information about it as possible, so they can make an informed decision and whatev happens is whatevs.
Oh, wait! interrupted Brytnees mom Britney. There wasa second of all. These tweens today. They think theyre so adult, but theyre sooo not. Dont make me rofl. Thats a thing, right? Rofl?"
Brytnee is certainly sick of being told what to do, and she will continue texting, whether its behind Dry Hump Roller Rink, the Boneview Shopping Center, or in the privacy of her own bedroom. She complains, Im at the stage in my life where Im almost close to becoming closer to the next step towards being a young adult. I mean, OMG, its not like Im husking or something. Husking, of course, is something that may or may not exist, and it is when two tweens rub their genitals together, sans penetration (or penetrashe, as the tweens call it).
No, Ive never heard of husking, says Brytnees mom Britney. All I know is that behind that roller rink is disgusting. These tweens could catch something while theyre texting. I mean, come on! We all know teenagers fuck back there.
This looks like a little audition piece for The Onion... I expect that when The Onion turned Cody down, they also chased him through the streets with torches and pitchforks. This stuff is not merely unworthy for The Onion, not merely unworthy for Cracked, but indisputably unworthy for the world of the living. Again, I'm not a troll, just a simple man who has been wronged.
ReplyAt this point, saying, "I'm not a troll..." is the equivalent of saying, "I want a huge c**k in my man ass, but I'm not gay." You don't have the talent to write, so you bash those that do.
Wow, Cody, you pwn. A fine addition to the cracked team, methinks, and also, this article made me "rofl" (is that right, rofl? that's a thing, right?) XD
ReplyTextual awareness? Awesome.
ReplyI'm with DeviousDVO, this style of writing is more of a subtle, sarcastic humor. Means you have to have a good sense of humor to enjoy it, I guess.
wow, over-analyzation much.
ReplyI like it, it's good.
I totes agree w/DeviousDVO- this is very onionesque- not that that is a bad thing...thing.
Replyfunny enough to make it all the way thru: and that is a high compliment coming from a an adhd boy who only recently graduated from tween-hood
Dry Hump roller rink.
Replylol dakrockson its a joke, like he exagerates. this isnt what all tweenies do duh rofl
ReplyMaking fun of Ebonics, good job.
ReplyThis article is more in the style of The Onion, as opposed to the obvious humor that's usually on this site. And I have no problem with that.
ReplyI'm not sure what to make of this. On one hand, It's near hilarious how he relates to 'Text' to 'Sex', but on the other hand, it's way overdone. I'm 14 and I have a cellphone, but I rarely text, considering I'm the kind of person who reads Cracked and doesn't talk to many people. I find the people who text obsessively are very obnoxious though.
ReplyHonestly, I just got through with the Jurassic Park article, too, and I have to say, in my opinion, this one is crap in comparison. I don't think there was a single joke in this article. The jurassic park one, on the other hand, actually made me laugh, because I had never thought of that scene in that way. So, it just goes to show, Cody's humor affects different people different ways, at different times. What I'm trying to say is, EVERYBODY CHILL THE FUCK OUT.
ReplyHOORAY CODY!
ReplyI just got through reading that piece of shit article about the kid from Jurassic park. I commented and said, "when you stop posting shit, I will stop commenting." Thank you cody.
This article is actually not shit. That was all I wanted, a moderatly funny article. You delivered. Do this more consistently and I may come to like you as much as SWAIM.
Ps. I hope DOB kills you in your sleep.
See, that's what I'm talking about. I told you you could do better. Thank you.
ReplyOnly to those of us who know what to look for, sai.
ReplyAs for Morgoth... I thought he was the hero? No? Is my Satanic Freemason G.O.A.T. worship showing again?
Reply32,
ReplyDon't worry. I've never worried about that in the first place!
Cohibaman:
ReplyLorewhore alert. Uruk-hai were Sauraman's version of super orcs. Sauron's (or the entity who came before him. Tolkein's a bit wobbly on the details) attempt at elves just came out as regular, run-of-the-mill orcs.
I can't argue with you as to which were more badass, though. Uruk-hai all the way.
At this point, you should no longer be wondering if I'm really trying to put down Cody.
Agent 86,
ReplyAs much as I enjoy Cody, NEVER compare his efforts to the Uruk-hai. That's just wrong.
The Uruk-hai are completely awesome and, if you're really trying to put down Cody, comparing him to them is not the way to do so.
AgentCoop:
ReplyThe Onion references are due to the fact that a lot of articles seem to be some sort of failed attempt to copy Onion humor. This went over about as well as Sauron's attempt to copy Elves and Entfolk.
I don't think they're dissing on the Onion, as much as they are just expressing their pain and suffering after reading a Cody article.
fagget!
Reply