A little over a year ago, Nintendo launched a service called Miiverse that allows players to post short, Twitter-like messages from inside their games. As with the rest of the Internet, the content of these posts ranges from kind of awesome to completely soul crushing. However, there's more to this Miiverse thing than meets the eye. In November of 2012, a glitch briefly allowed some Nintendo users to access forbidden parts of Miiverse -- I was one of those users, and while digging around in Nintendo's files hoping to find confirmation that they'll someday do a sequel to Shaq Fu, I came across something even more shocking. It turns out that Miiverse has been around for much, much longer than we thought, and -- I'm aware of how fantastic this sounds -- the earliest posts are from Mario himself. Yes, Dr. Mario "Super Mario" Mario, noted plumber, kart driver, and Olympic medalist, is apparently a real person.
I took as many screenshots as I could before getting booted out, and after carefully mulling over the legal, cultural, and sociopolitical consequences of this discovery for an entire year, I've finally decided to share this information with the world. And so, here are Mario's earliest games, as documented from his own perspective. The following absolutely real images (again, I cannot stress enough how much I didn't make this shit up just now) paint a picture of man who is simple-minded, somewhat brave, but most of all utterly confused.
#1. Donkey Kong (1981) -- In Which a Monkey Steals Mario's Girlfriend
Mario's adventures began the day a monkey stole his then-girlfriend, a broad from New Jersey called Pauline. Of course, we now know this monkey to be the affable, rap-loving Donkey Kong, but take a step back for a second and imagine how terrifying this scenario must have seemed to a regular guy from Brooklyn.
Actually, you don't need to imagine, because he told us.
Initially, Mario seemed determined to take the "wait for the problem to resolve itself" approach, but it soon became apparent that this wasn't a viable option. Mainly because if he stood still for a single second, he'd end up crushed by a falling barrel.
Left with no other choice, Mario tried the diplomatic path.
Despite the extremely poor condition of the stairs, the endless stream of barrels, and those little fire thingies chasing him around, Mario finally made it to the top. But then ...
Yes, Mario was so upset by what had just happened that he completely botched that sentence (he meant to say "The dang monkey just grabbed her and took her further up!"). Give him a break: He grew up in a household where everyone spoke in a particularly effusive dialect of Italian.
The good news was that Pauline was no longer frozen by fear. The bad news was that she was starting to make unreasonable requests in light of the situation.
Once again, as soon as Mario caught up with them, the monkey grabbed Pauline and took her to another section of this demented structure. By this point Mario was seriously reconsidering some of the choices in his life.
Puzzlingly, it appears that Mario took the time to chat with the mask salesman from Zelda 64 as he ran around swinging that hammer at unthinkable monsters.
And then, as suddenly as it began, the danger was over. Note that Mario conveniently forgot his earlier resolution to break up with Pauline as she approached him to extend her gratitude.
It later turned out that the big monkey wasn't really dead, and a littler monkey then came to pester Mario when he attempted to make some extra cash by showing off his exotic new pet, but let us skip over that part to go directly to the next important occasion in Mario's life ...
#2. Mario Bros. (1983) -- Mario Goes into Plumbing, Kicks Turtles
After breaking up with Pauline (who, it turns out, was the main provider in the household) and getting his monkey-related get-rich-quick scheme ruined, Mario decided to open a plumbing company with his brother, Luigi. It was honest work, and Mario was already prepared for it, since taking care of a big monkey also involves dealing with massive amounts of poop. However, one day the always perceptive Mario noticed that there was something unusual about a particular gig.
Bear in mind that the biggest thing Mario and Luigi had tackled up to this point was a kitchen sink, so the sight of this huge, dark room that someone expected them to clean was overwhelming to them, and a little bit scary.
That's when they noticed the turtles.
Luigi didn't join Mario's turtle-bashing, more out of laziness than out of respect for the noble creatures that his brother was now slaughtering (presumably Christmas gifts discarded by hyperactive children who would have preferred an Atari). Luigi continued to not move even when, as if prompted by the death of each turtle, something more bizarre began coming out of those pipes ...
The now popular acronym for "shaking my damn head" appears here in its earliest recorded use.
Mario didn't have a long time to wonder what kind of person throws giant coins of solid gold into the crapper (but they're in New York, so it was probably some Wall Street jackass), for this was the moment when things suddenly turned deadly.
They say that, even today, if you press your ear near a toilet, you can hear Mario's anguished cry echo within the pipes.
Luigi was gone, but the senseless death of his brother only strengthened Mario's resolve to escape this hellish poop depository. After going through what seemed like an endless succession of identical chambers populated by increasingly unlikely creatures (bugs, crabs, spiky guys), Mario stumbled into one of the green pipes he'd learned to hate and found himself transported into an even stranger place -- one with far more mushrooms.