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LiLo Leaves Rehab Sober, Realizes Her Career Is Over

With LiLo leaving rehab after a solid month locked up in Utah's hellish Cirque Lodge (which, if their website is to be believed, offers substance abusers all the benefits of pristine landscapes, horseback riding and awesome-looking helicopters), her next move is anyone's guess. Will she return to Hollywood and feebly attempt to "work" again, or is she seriously considering going back to school as some have suggested?

"Despite what so many people think, Lindsay is an incredibly smart girl and always wanted to have that college experience.

"She has looked into a few institutions on the east coast and will most likely major in something like psychology. At this stage, New York University is a hot favourite."

Which "college experience" is she talking about, exactly? The one where her roommate turns out to be a devout Catholic but they learn to get along despite their differences? Eating Kraft Easy Mac in a pair of flannel pajama pants? Penny draft night?

Can you imagine sharing a dorm room with Lindsay Lohan? It would probably be cool for about ten seconds. First you'd be like "Whoa - this girl can party," but then you'd be like "Whoa - this girl can't stop partying." I smell a reality TV show in here somewhere. It'd be like The Real World meets Survivor meets a ravenous red-headed drug-wolf: LiLo moves into an NYU dorm for incoming freshmen, and anyone in the building who manages to actually pass their classes wins. Oh - and one of her roommates will be "ethnic" in some way - maybe Chinese or Indian or something.

There should probably also be a former-army drill sergeant who lives in the dorm and forces her to study. That'll make it like those send-my-bratty-kid-to-boot-camp specials on daytime talk shows, only way more awesome because instead of being a bratty kid it's a bratty mid-20s celebrity with substance abuse problems. He can wake LiLo up really early and calls her names and stuff. I think I'll call it Making The Grade. Are you reading this, FOX?

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Ross Wolinsky

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