Light Some Torches and Pour 40 Oz. of Ale on the Curb
As you probably heard, Gary Gygax, creator of Dungeons and Dragons, passed away recently. Since then, nearly every news outlet has taken the opportunity to make a cheap D&D pun at Mr. Gygax's expense. Well, I for one find it denigrating and disgusting, hardly a fitting tribute to a man who helped provide so much joy to so many.
Therefore, in an effort to ensure no one will make any more terrible puns, I have compressed as many as possible into the following obituary. Hopefully running the premise into the ground will convince others to give it a rest.
Gary The Beholder Gygax reached epic level this week after rolling a natural 1 during a battle with Time. Apothecaries have stated that despite his Alertness feat, he was caught flat-footed and failed a subsequent Fortitude save to negate the effects of a Level 8 Finger of Death spell (touch attack), due largely to a -3 Constitution modifier brought about by a Curse of Natural Ageing. Though clerics at the Temple of Pelor have attempted a resurrection, it appears Mr. Gygax has been the victim of a Soul Bind enchantment, and has already passed through the material, astral, and shadow planes into worlds beyond.
Mr. Gygax is best known for his Critical Hit Sneak Attack against an Ancient Red Dragon during a treasure-hunting excursion in Ched Nasad, and for turning a Bag of Holding inside out in order to destroy an evil pocket dimension. Later in life, he retired from adventuring to work with animals, training Mordenkainens Faithful Watchdogs for the blind and chairing a committee for the conservation of Gelatinous Cubes.
He is survived by his wife, two half-elf children, and a +5 Mace of Shock.
There, now I hope we can all let Mr. Gygax rest in peace. And if you'd like to contact me about giving a eulogy, I speak Common, Abyssal and Underdark.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael rolls natural 20s as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
Toldya-I-did-it-clay; your NDC/D&D-fu is weak! Allow me to demonstrate:
Reply1) Red dragons live in caves, frequently with connecting tunnels to the Underdark. It only says that Gary "The Beholder" Gygax killed one DURING a Ched Nasad expedition. Since Mr. Gygax is the master of D&D, I have no doubts that he leisurely assassinated it on his way there-probably while singing, "Another One Bites the Dust".
2) Answered by my answer to #1.
3) Answered by my answer to #1.
Eat my Critical Death Attack!
thats ridiculous, ched nasad is in the underdark.
Reply1. why the hell would an ancient RED dragon be down there
2. How the hell would it get there?
3. why would the drow let it hang out in their city? im pretty sure that bitch matron baenre would walk all the way from menzobarrenzan just to jack that shit.
and yes, im getting into a nerdy version of a bigger dick contest. beat that!
Could you recommend any specific resources, books, or other blogs on this topic?
ReplyWell, shit. Hope they have printers in the afterlife, for his next character.
Replywhat was even more worrying...i understood all of that and i have never played D&D....maybe i should
ReplyHere's to you Gary
Replymay a Solar guide you to the next life safely
What frightens me is that that whole obituary made sense to me.
Replychaotic neutral rogue ftw!
Reply[...] How Much It Makes Me Want To Live in L.A.: Starting to dip. I’m nothing if not respectful to the gay community, and to eulogies. [...]
Reply[...] thoughts on the matter can best be summed up by my hope that Gary Gygax’s recently inhabited coffin’s got some padding in it, so he doesn’t hurt himself when he starts violently rolling [...]
Replymk so i might be a LITTLE too nerdy for my own health
ReplyUnderdark is not a language. UnderCOMMON is the correct term as far as I'm aware.
ReplyIsn't Ched Nasad a Drow city??? I'm like, 80% sure that it is.
Crit hits don't apply to sneak attacks do they?
I was introduced to DnD by some co-workers who were first edition vets. I fondly remember my first party being assaulted by an adolescent green dragon in the middle of the night. My cleric did the "noble" thing and cast light on HIMSELF to distract the dragon long enough for others to scramble away to safety. It worked! He's dead. I've learned to strongly consider my alignment before creating a character since that day. Lawful Good.....HA!!....Hello neutral.
ReplyI roll initiative!
ReplySo...you enter the dimly lit tavern and are greeted with the mixed scents of smoke, roasted meats and years of spilt ale and spirits. Closing the heavy door, the cold rain and biting wind gives way to hushed conversing, the dull knocking of drinking cups on wooden benches and the fiery crackle from within the tall and deep hearth. In the corner near the fire, you notice a wizened old man watching with interest your armed party's entrance. A small pile of parchment is stacked to his side and what appears to be a map is spread out on the table before him....
ReplyGary Gygax. In Remembrance.
Damn, now I want to play D&D...
ReplyAnyone here going to host a game?
Let's see if I can create an accurate picture of how Angband looked:
ReplyYou hit Smegol. Smegol hits you. Smegol steals 143 gold and disappears in a poof of smoke.
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That game was classic. I wonder if I can find a copy to run on vista.
Pits of Angband!?!?! What am I some kind of geek? . . . Oh yeah.
ReplyMy brother had it, professor THE Guy, but we never played it. Frankly, after reading it, I thought it was a little on the ridiculous side...
ReplyThere were a LOT of well written, fun modules made for AD&D. Dunno if you guys ever played Expedition to the Barrier Peaks? Tomb of Horrors? Ravenloft? The Giant series...
ahhh too many classics.
With the exp. gained from writing the above paragraph, I believe I have passed from Nerd-Champion (lvl 9 Nerd) to Nerd-Lord (lvl 10)....
All of a sudden I feel much more comfortable because I'm just in the pressence of a bunch of other nerds. I thought I had to try to act cool, but now I know that's not the case. So I have 3 questions for you:
Reply1.) Have you played the Pits of Angband?
2.) Have you beaten the Pits of Angband?
3.) Have you beaten the Pits of Angband WITHOUT cheating?