As you probably heard, Gary Gygax, creator of Dungeons and Dragons, passed away recently. Since then, nearly every news outlet has taken the opportunity to make a cheap D&D pun at Mr. Gygax’s expense. Well, I for one find it denigrating and disgusting, hardly a fitting tribute to a man who helped provide so much joy to so many.
Therefore, in an effort to ensure no one will make any more terrible puns, I have compressed as many as possible into the following obituary. Hopefully running the premise into the ground will convince others to give it a rest.
Gary “The Beholder” Gygax reached epic level this week after rolling a natural 1 during a battle with Time. Apothecaries have stated that despite his Alertness feat, he was caught flat-footed and failed a subsequent Fortitude save to negate the effects of a Level 8 Finger of Death spell (touch attack), due largely to a -3 Constitution modifier brought about by a Curse of Natural Ageing. Though clerics at the Temple of Pelor have attempted a resurrection, it appears Mr. Gygax has been the victim of a Soul Bind enchantment, and has already passed through the material, astral, and shadow planes into worlds beyond.
Mr. Gygax is best known for his Critical Hit Sneak Attack against an Ancient Red Dragon during a treasure-hunting excursion in Ched Nasad, and for turning a Bag of Holding inside out in order to destroy an evil pocket dimension. Later in life, he retired from adventuring to work with animals, training Mordenkainen’s Faithful Watchdogs for the blind and chairing a committee for the conservation of Gelatinous Cubes.
He is survived by his wife, two half-elf children, and a +5 Mace of Shock.
There, now I hope we can all let Mr. Gygax rest in peace. And if you’d like to contact me about giving a eulogy, I speak Common, Abyssal and Underdark.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael rolls natural 20s as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Thursday, March 6th, 2008 at 4:00 pm and is filed under Death, Dungeons and Dragons, Gary Gygax, I'm a Nerd. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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August 5th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Well, shit. Hope they have printers in the afterlife, for his next character.
May 26th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Ha!
You would think that they world have OK’d it at the beginning instead of allowing it to go so long without saying a thing and then bringing it back up when it was too late. I don’t understand it at all. Vivaxa
April 21st, 2009 at 8:48 am
what was even more worrying…i understood all of that and i have never played D&D….maybe i should
March 10th, 2009 at 1:12 am
Here’s to you Gary
may a Solar guide you to the next life safely
February 21st, 2009 at 4:05 pm
What frightens me is that that whole obituary made sense to me.
September 19th, 2008 at 11:39 am
chaotic neutral rogue ftw!
July 3rd, 2008 at 11:25 am
[...] How Much It Makes Me Want To Live in L.A.: Starting to dip. I’m nothing if not respectful to the gay community, and to eulogies. [...]
June 9th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
[...] thoughts on the matter can best be summed up by my hope that Gary Gygax’s recently inhabited coffin’s got some padding in it, so he doesn’t hurt himself when he starts violently rolling [...]
May 11th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
mk so i might be a LITTLE too nerdy for my own health
May 11th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Underdark is not a language. UnderCOMMON is the correct term as far as I’m aware.
Isn’t Ched Nasad a Drow city??? I’m like, 80% sure that it is.
Crit hits don’t apply to sneak attacks do they?
March 18th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
I was introduced to DnD by some co-workers who were first edition vets. I fondly remember my first party being assaulted by an adolescent green dragon in the middle of the night. My cleric did the “noble” thing and cast light on HIMSELF to distract the dragon long enough for others to scramble away to safety. It worked! He’s dead. I’ve learned to strongly consider my alignment before creating a character since that day. Lawful Good…..HA!!….Hello neutral.
March 14th, 2008 at 7:35 am
I roll initiative!
March 13th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
So…you enter the dimly lit tavern and are greeted with the mixed scents of smoke, roasted meats and years of spilt ale and spirits. Closing the heavy door, the cold rain and biting wind gives way to hushed conversing, the dull knocking of drinking cups on wooden benches and the fiery crackle from within the tall and deep hearth. In the corner near the fire, you notice a wizened old man watching with interest your armed party’s entrance. A small pile of parchment is stacked to his side and what appears to be a map is spread out on the table before him….
Gary Gygax. In Remembrance.
March 13th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Damn, now I want to play D&D…
Anyone here going to host a game?
March 12th, 2008 at 8:10 am
Let’s see if I can create an accurate picture of how Angband looked:
You hit Smegol. Smegol hits you. Smegol steals 143 gold and disappears in a poof of smoke.
________________
* * * * * * * * * * *|
* * * * * * * * * * *|
* * * * * * @h * * *|
* , * * * * * * * * *|
* * * * * * * * * * *|
That game was classic. I wonder if I can find a copy to run on vista.
March 12th, 2008 at 12:15 am
Pits of Angband!?!?! What am I some kind of geek? . . . Oh yeah.
March 11th, 2008 at 10:33 am
My brother had it, professor THE Guy, but we never played it. Frankly, after reading it, I thought it was a little on the ridiculous side…
There were a LOT of well written, fun modules made for AD&D. Dunno if you guys ever played Expedition to the Barrier Peaks? Tomb of Horrors? Ravenloft? The Giant series…
ahhh too many classics.
With the exp. gained from writing the above paragraph, I believe I have passed from Nerd-Champion (lvl 9 Nerd) to Nerd-Lord (lvl 10)….
March 11th, 2008 at 8:01 am
All of a sudden I feel much more comfortable because I’m just in the pressence of a bunch of other nerds. I thought I had to try to act cool, but now I know that’s not the case. So I have 3 questions for you:
1.) Have you played the Pits of Angband?
2.) Have you beaten the Pits of Angband?
3.) Have you beaten the Pits of Angband WITHOUT cheating?
March 11th, 2008 at 7:31 am
Misnomer, you seem to be typing imapried. Maybe you should hire a secretary to take your dictation.
March 10th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Yeah that word too.
March 10th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
I created the word imapried too. Just to piss myself off.
March 10th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
I kind of like 3.0/3.5 alot of what was done made sense. I had your mother’s vagina full loads of fun playing 2nd edition. But 3rd is growing on me like cancer. 4th appears to be DnD for the mentally retarded and imaginationally (if it isn’t a word Swaim, I just created it) imparied. Viva la useless Non-Weapon Prof!
March 10th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
AD&D 2nd Edition for me. Dragonlance was a personal favourite.
March 10th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Agreed.
March 10th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Advanced D&D…the purest, the best.
March 10th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Hey, don’t steal my idea! That’s going to an integral musical scene during my upcoming sitcom, which is yet to be named.
I’m watching you Kingmonkey+1, you and your dastardly alterego.
March 10th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I like what you wrote. I was a bit sick with all the bad jokes made after his death. But I also like what Stylus Crunch said… after all, and I admit it, I still prefer the 2nd edition for many points over the 3rd.
March 10th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Mikhael Swaimonov, I would recommend that TAM! should make a video making fun of LARPers, but that’s redundant and mean-spirited. LARPers can’t help themselves; it’s glandular.
March 10th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
haha- this is my name in the campaign that i am playing with Michael-> who is a tylwydd druid of the autumn and has a coyote named “howl”
and i don’t think dnd is nerdy- it is super fun! and isn’t embarrassing. I was cool kid in high school and i played (albeit with super nerd-high school version michael swaim and his even dorkier friends)…how did you get me hooked into this game michael?
-plus- dnd shouldn’t be thought of as a “man’s” game- girls like it too
March 9th, 2008 at 4:40 am
LARPing is much more popular on this side of the world.
Or else Renn-style historical re-enactments.
And all I remember of Gygax was his cameo on Futurama, but, R.I.P anyway buddy.
March 9th, 2008 at 3:08 am
I used to play about twice a month up until about two months ago. I had done so off and on since I was a little boy and had to hide my books from my conservative/religious parents. I have played from 1979 through all editions and each dumbing down of the game. I had to stop playing as things have picked up at work so much I can’t now. But if I am lucky enough to have kids, I plan on DMing unless my wife wants to run the campaign of course.
MY first character died while swinging his sword, clinging to the back of a young White Dragon. The party Wizard thought it wise to fling a Fireball at it. Toasty. There wasn’t enough left for the rogue in the party to bother picking through.
March 8th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
I haven’t played D&D since… well, a while ago. At least 10 years. If you guys are looking for an application to help, there’s a program called Fantasy Grounds that acts as a virtual tabletop client. One person hosts the game, others log in and play. It allows the DM to post maps, pics, etc. It also allows you to roll dice on screen. It’s kind of cool. I think it has a free client, but I don’t remember.
March 8th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
I started playing D&D about eight years before you were born Cmdr. Ross. My Aunt gave me the basic set in 1979 for Christmas. I stopped playing about 11 years ago.
@ Michael Swaim You don’t know how much I envy you for being able to play this week.
March 8th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
This is all just gibberish to me.
Beautiful, beautiful gibberish.
March 8th, 2008 at 3:47 am
The main problem I would see with that would be geographics. Other than that I think that would be a great idea.
March 8th, 2008 at 3:12 am
DJ Blackrock, would that be Insurrection (book two of the War of the Spider Queen series)? I own them all. While I haven’t played for years, except for a 3 night quickie a few months ago, I still think of myself as a player.
Now here’s the question: Swaim is obviously into this game, as are many of the regualr commenters here, so why don’t we set up a game?
March 8th, 2008 at 2:26 am
Cheers to the man who created a world for us to play in =)
…..my first character was a half-elf ranger, who was killed in his first dungeon but was resurrected with a critical so my DM picked at random in the monster manual and I ended up being a blue goblin for the entire campain >.
March 8th, 2008 at 1:09 am
To King Monkey +1.. I beg to differ about the Dating and DND being to different worlds….. I Met my wife because a mutual freind knew we both played DND, Introduced us and we still game to this day……….Eight years later…..
And no, I have not had a delusion spel cast on me…. Or if I have, please don’t cast dispel Magic……..>G
March 8th, 2008 at 12:19 am
It completely depends on which edition of D&D you are playing. Nowadays it is called sneak attack, and the saves have changed they . . . oh wait. Damn I fell for it. Sigh. I am a nerd and passed the bar exam as a rules lawyer.
March 7th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
The most memorable moments I had as a 13 year old dungeon master (or dungeon meister as I called myself in my infinite nerdiness) was teaching players, comfortable enough with their manliness that they would roleplay a female character, that D & D was a man’s world. I had one guy in tears when his level 2 elven chick was dragged off by a pack of goblins only to be repeated raped.
So evidently, D & D was not only a good outlet for nerds but also perverts.
March 7th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Truth of the matter is The Creator’s a DM, but he was getting a massive headache dealing with some of the members in his gaming party. So, while he sorted out the snit between Jesus and Mohammed, he decided he needed a surrogate DM to take his place. Why not the Grand Master of ‘em all?
March 7th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
One problem with the eulogy - Gary would have been making saves against paralysis/poison/death magic, not fort saves. And it would have been Odin, or perhaps Math Mathonoway, not Pelor. And its not sneak attack, its back stab.
I’ll crawl back under the nerd rock now
March 7th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I think this is the most humorously taken death I’ve ever experienced.
March 7th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Ding ding ding! You won “identify that fantasy art!” You win virginity!
March 7th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
also, that picture is from Dragonlance, Dragons of Spring Dawning. Oh, shit, did I just give too much nerditry away? well, poopdamn.
March 7th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
i guess the only thing i can say is this; can i have the mace? i mean, don’t get me wrong, my +2 keen bastard sword is awesome, but against undead? damn near useless.
March 7th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Come out of the closet, Anon. Accept your nerderosexuality.
March 7th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
I understood all of that and I’ve never once played D&D.
Does that make me more nerdy or less?
I think I’m having a nerd existential crisis here…
March 7th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
hey, being a nerd is just fine. I actually own, and recommend to others, the book that chronicles the fall of Ched Nasad, important trading port for the Drow society, the entire city supported in an underdark cave by massive spider webs.
There, I win. I am Alpha Nerd!
March 7th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
@kingmonkey +1; Not in almost a decade…
That doesn’t help, though, does it?
March 7th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
D&D isn’t that nerdy.
LARP, now that’s nerdy. I mean, Kee-rist is that nerdy!
March 7th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Are you a musician in a marching band?
March 7th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Damnit, Swaim, now I’ve got to go try to beat up a pimp, rebuild a car without the use of any tools, or anything else sufficiently manly (and beyond my abilities) in order to convince myself that I’m not an enormous nerd for having understood entirely and laughed out loud at that post. At least I’m a musician…. that kind of balances out the nerd-factor, right? Right?!
March 7th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Okay, cora, that’s it. Dating and D&D are two seperate worlds! So unless you can show me some models (tall ones, of course) who play D&D, stop besmirching Gary’s memorial.
Lousy besmircher.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:42 am
Really? hard to believe.i heard this news times from many friends playing on a tall dating site~~~~Tallmingle.com~~~,i did
not believe, i think that they are know nothing but dating and love.i am wrong.
March 7th, 2008 at 9:34 am
I never played D&D, but I play MUD/MUSH games online. Kind of the same, but without all the paperwork and the dice are just random number generators.
March 7th, 2008 at 2:16 am
Well as we ALL know it’s never the bad guys that kill you. It’s always your own party members.
March 6th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Igfig: I was waiting for someone to call me on it. I couldn’t remember and consulted the web instead of a manual. I apologize.
March 6th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
I remember throwing one of my party members to a demon to save my own skin once. And that was in real life.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
What, are you crazy? Finger of Death isn’t a touch attack. It’s Close range, Fort save partial.
March 6th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
One of my fondest memories is of the time my friend had just spent two hours creating a barbarian character, only to have a gelatinous cube score a critical hit on his character during its first battle. A couple failed saving throws later his barbarian became retarded (lost something like 3 INT). He had to keep playing the character for several months. Good times.
All that to say, I loved the reference to gelatinous cubes.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
I’m going to take this opportunity to announce that I played D and D THIS WEEK. I don’t know why I admit that; I think I like negative attention just as much as positive.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
lol nerds
March 6th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Swaim, I and the rest of nerd-dom would like to thank you for the kind (and geeky) eulogy. Few will admit to playing with a bag full of dice or sitting around a table spouting silly crap with a group of other freaks, but those were good times for many. Ah well, enough sappiness, on with the dick jokes.
In closing I would like to say: Melf’s Acid Arrow… If I ever start a garage band thats going to be the name of it.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
I was extremely saddened at the news of Mr. Gygax passing. He was responsible for a lot of joy, happiness and good times in my life. As a matter of fact and as sad as it may be
Mr. Gygax’s creation is the reason for some of my happiest childhood and adult memories.
One of the nerdiest secrets I have is that the name glendoor is actually the name of my first D&D character.
To Mr. Gary Gygax I say thank you , thank you so very much.
To Mr. Swaim I say, damn you couldn’t have worked Asmodeus’s Rod of Lordly Might in there somewhere? That one always cracked me up.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Swaim, that was an awesome tribute. Well done.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
I’d like to recommend that Gary be canonized as the patron Saint of Nerds.