Let's Play: Who Had the Worst Christmas?!
Well, the 25th has come and gone, and for those of us destined to ascend to Heaven come Rapture, that meant Christmas (Sorry 85% of Cracked readers, but according to this book here, Jews burn).
The details of my own Yuletide celebration are too involved and heroic to relate here, but suffice to say Disney has acquired my likeness rights for the upcoming straight-to-DVD featurette Michael Saves Christmas.
But now that the carols have all been sung, the halls undecked, and our gay apparel stowed tastefully our of sight, only one thing remains to fill our souls with the fading warmth of the Season: our shitty, shitty presents.
Now, because my Mom occasionally reads this blog, and because I actually needed them, I'm going to go ahead and say that I truly appreciated the socks and underwear I received this year (not a joke). But, there's no arguing that opening a series of small, soft packages filled with cloth can fail to impart that certain thrill that runs through a young man's body when he gets, say, an N64 for Christmas.
And that got me thinking: there are a number of you out there who read this thing (at least eight, judging from the comments), and I'm betting some of you got presents even shittier than mine.
Well, now's your chance to share that pain with the world, and probably get zinged appropriately. Consider it a group therapy session, or just a way for me to make myself feel better about the thirteen pairs of dress socks I will now be wearing to all family functions.
Let the whining commence!
i got a big chocolate bar from my mother. its fruit and nut though, and will therefore kill me if i eat it
ReplyRetroactive comment, I was unaware of cracked in '08.
ReplyThat said, exactly one week before Christmas that year, I got into a snowboarding accident and crushed my skull. I grew up in the country, and we were snowed in and unable to get anywhere other than a small local clinic that it took almost 5 hours to get to, they didn't want to risk touching the mass of bruises, cuts, and pulped bone that used to be my face, so they sewed me up, gave me a prescription for near lethal doses of percocet, and said to get to a real hospital as soon as I could.
New Year's eve I was able to get to a hospital, during a 6 hour surgery they re-broke the bones in my face because they'd started to set, and screwed 7 titanium alloy plates to my skull, most of them reinforcing breaks till they healed, but one replacing the zygomatic arch completely.
1 month of eating through a straw and 3 months of percocet induced blackout later, I got to go through withdrawal when I went off my meds, and 6 months later I regained most of my sense of balance. I'm still fighting to get rid of the weight the percocet made me gain, I still occasionally lose all sense of balance for a few seconds, and I suffer from chronic migraines with weather changes.
The good part of Christmas was no brain damage (not even a concussion), so I was allowed to take pain killers and don't have mental problems, which the surgeon who pached me up said is a f**king miracle considering the extent of the damage.
17 when all that went down.
'00: My grandmother on my mom's side passed away a month before x-mas.
Reply'04: My grandfather on my mom's side passed away a month before x-mas.
'07: My brother was murdered a month before x-mas.
I hate this time of year.
For me, it's a toss up between this year and last year. Last year, I went to my dad's. The last time he had talked to me was my birthday in September. I got a call only six days before Christmas from him, DEMANDING that he had on Christmas day. I got to see my grandparents on that side, which was cool, but I didn't even stay at his house, AND I went back the next day. Then this year, and before I continue, I do understand that he is a trucker now, so it does make it harder with visiting, but still. This year he called earlier, and we had planned for him to pick me up on Christmas night, and I would go back on the following Tuesday. Again I found out that I wouldn't be staying at his house, but I never heard anything about not being able to be picked up on Christmas night. So, I'm waiting up till about 11:30 pm, when I finally text him saying "where are you?" He calls telling me that he won't be able to make it and that he thought he had explained it to me before, which I told him he didn't. Then he said that he would explain it all when he saw me which would probably be the next day or Tuesday. But on a much more positive note, I got almost all I asked for and then some (I didn't ask for a lot). ^.^
ReplyChristmasses are normally fine for me, it's the birthday where it hits hardest. Last year we found out that my brothers dog was two months overdue for his first rabies shot , so they were going to quarantine him( they didn't eventually). The year before I was horribly ill the whole day, and this year I was basically forgotten. Whoo sweet sixteen
ReplyInteressanter Beitrag, danke.
ReplyI got an iPod Touch :D! Lolz, I picked it out myself because my dad is hopeless otherwise...
ReplyBut, my New Years sucked ass. I spent it in a hospital recuperating from my skiing (And snowboard) induced concussion.
Being as young as I am (12)=Awesome prezzies
Well, I still remember back when I was ~7 and CDs had been in fad for, oh, maybe 6 months. My sister got a boom-box with a tape-player and CD player. I got her old one with just the tape player. No joke. I actually got my sister's refuse for Christmas. (Hanukkah but I digress)
ReplySomeone did get me a nice gift certificate to B&H photo, though, which was great. All I need is camera gear anyway.
ReplyMy brother and I have a longstanding agreement - our gift to eachother is to not get eachother gifts. This is the best gift ever, saves us so much trouble. Both of us just go buy whatever we want on our own anyway...
ReplyI think the best one so far is the death bar with nuts. I received, among other things, a door mat that says, "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit...look who's here!" no joke. Sadly, I laugh every time I look at it so you could say it's growing on me.
ReplySo I love to draw (a lot) so I asked for a pile of art materials. I got an eraser...
Replyantispamdinista, at least you can take comfort in the fact that you didn't spill a vat of boiling water over yourself after falling over.
Reply...nothing...i got nothing...
Replywell, thats for now anyway, theres a ps3 on its way, thanks to my mom, but il be selling/returning it because she got ripped off...and the reason it didnt come on christmas day was because she waited until 2-3 days before christmas to order it...women...
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!! AND WAR... DAMN....EAGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplySix pair of socks, a t-shirt with last years joke on it, a pair of boxer shorts that say "Slow Man Working" (a hint, perhaps?), my girlfriend's autistic daughter with a mad case of the ChocoTrots for the entire week, my own case of it for the rest of THIS week, and only one day off for Xmas.
ReplyI got bedding, which I asked for, because I don't get to spend a lot of time in bed, but I would like to be able to enjoy the limited time I get. I did ask for hard drugs and a hooker, but you can't always get what you want. My friend Jason got a shrimp ring and a box of condoms. Which sucks because A) he just moved to Edmonton and doesn't know anyone so his chances of needing condoms are pretty slim and B) who gives someone a fucking shrimp ring for christmas? Overall, I don't think anyone had a worse Christmas than Jason.
ReplyI got a box of soda crackers, a small block of sharp cheddar and a bottle of generic Mountain Dew-type soda, worth a grand total of 4.79 cents at the local Save-A-Lot.
ReplyAnd my lightsaber was mailed yesterday and will be here monday. At least according to
ReplyUPS and we all know UPS is never wrong.
HaHaHaHa!!! Naw, there ain't no need for the pizza ninja. Trust me , my family's plenty traumatised from living with me all these years. I can be a real joy to be around. On good days I'm kind of like the dad on That Seventies Show. On bad days I'm kind of like R. Lee
ReplyErmey in Full Metal Jacket.... with PMS.... and on crystal-meth....with a stick up his ass.
BTW I bet you cut a right smart figure wearing your beanie and your Converse All Stars.
Please tell me that your beanie has a propeller on it. That would just make my day.