Rules: Start with as innocuous a news story as possible, and through association, find the most bizarre, disturbing story you can in five moves or less. Show your work.
Round 1–The Totally Innocuous Personal Interest Story
Hey, did you hear about this guy who changed his name to “The” Dan Miller Experience? How wacky is THAT?! I mean, okay, Dan, and Miller? Sure. But “The?” With quotes no less? I’ll bet you this guy is a real character, if you know what I mean. A real piece of work, as they say.
Round 2—The Fairly Harmless Government-Compiled List
What else is new in naming?
Well, The Baby Center (They’re a Government Agency, dammit!) has released the 2007 list of most popular baby names!
Aside from letting you know what phonemes to start watching out for in the next ten years, it also proves just how little the generation currently spawning children is trying.
Exhibit A: boys’ names numbers 1, 4, and 5, which are, respectively, Aiden, Jayden, and Caden. Now how in good conscience can I name my unborn son after his beloved Grandfather Shmayden?
Meanwhile, Michael still holding strong at number 6, while the top female name is Sophia. Apparently Golden Girls is experiencing a return to relevance. And the number 6 female name? Addison. Thanks for cheapening Michael, bitch.
Round 3—The Pretty Horrific Dead Baby Story
What else is new in babies?
They’re dead. Police in Florida have arrested a 12-year-old for fatally beating the infant he was babysitting with a bat for crying while he was trying to watch TV.
Horrific yes, but to be fair, it was the season premiere of The Wire. And he had been listening to that Ramones song “beat on the brat” moments before. And when the Mom left him in charge, she did say “I forgot to make a list of emergency numbers, but there’s a bat over there.”
Round 4—The Depths of Human Depravity
What else is new in arrests for the murder of innocent creatures?
Well, this guy in Wisconsin is in jail for sexual contact with a dead deer. Not THAT crazy—I have uncles who have done similar—until you add on that he was “previously convicted of killing a horse with the intention of having sex with it.”
Setting aside the grammatical question of how you kill something with an intention, how did police know he was planning to fuck the dead animal? I imagine they must have found him slapping his flaccid penis across the poor beast’s backside. Lends a whole new meaning to “beating a dead horse.”
So there you have it! from “The” Dan Miller Experience to necrobestiality in four moves, with a dead baby en route! Beat that, Ian’s Unnecessary News Roundup!
Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes hilarious videos as writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Thursday, January 10th, 2008 at 4:00 pm and is filed under Baby Names, Dan Miller, Dead Babies, necrobestiality. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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January 7th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
1. Hey, the price for Microwaveable Burittos at the supermarket in town have shot up.
2. Some idiots on Youtube make videos of themselves microwaving things.
3. A man in Wisconsin microwaved a baby to death.
I F*CKING WIN! BTW, is “microwaved” a word?
December 12th, 2008 at 5:49 am
Every article from now on should have a cat reaction meter! Or some other such animal.
March 2nd, 2008 at 4:24 pm
http://neilsnotes.com/?page=15&catid=24&sku=E-00408
January 26th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
I’m pretty sure Michael Swaim just performed the greatest unrelated self-plug of all time.
January 11th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
I fucking love Pensive Cat!
From now on, I will gauge my reaction to anything that happens, by looking at my cat. Typically, my reactions to many things will be to roll over and go back to sleep.
Finally, I may not be the ‘adventurous’ type when it comes to sex with dead animals, but WTF? Sex with dead animals? How many kinds of fucked up do you have to be for that to seem like a good idea?
January 11th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
I apologise for the wierd way in which Blofeld changes to Blofelt and back to Blofeld again. I’m sleepy.
January 11th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Wow, the ‘pensive’ cat looks scarily like Donald Pleasance.
If Blofeld had, in fact, owned a cat that looked like him You Only Live Twice would have been a comedy.
“James Bond, allow me to introduce myself; I am Earnst Stavro Blofelt. And this is my cat, Blofelt 2. Watch him DANCE! YAAAA *moves Blofeld 2’s arms around* YAA HE CRAZY CAT NO!?”
January 11th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Like all great writers before him, he will find a way.
January 10th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
Oops forgot the “?”
January 10th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
There’s cats in there!! What are you guys waiting to lolcat this up?!? Uhmmm… I CAN HAS BLOG POST.
January 10th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
YOU MEAN LIKE THE HILARIOUS VIDEOS AT THOSEARENTMUSKETS.COM?!
January 10th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Swaim, don’t act like you’re not into the whole necrobeastiality thing. I’ve seen videos.
January 10th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
In another recent trend, necrobestiality is accounting for the disturbing lack of road kill found on today’s highways.
January 10th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
See those trees over there? I planted them all. Do they call me Glenn the treeplanter? Hell no. See those fields over there? I plowed them. Do they call me Glenn the field plower? Heck no. But you ‘try’ to fuck one dead horse…
January 10th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
“Horse Fucker”.
January 10th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Well, there’s still Lohan. So that’s something.
January 10th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
That’s cheating, Swaim. How do you expect Ian to beat necrobestiality when he no longer blogs about Britney?