Rules: Start with as innocuous a news story as possible, and through association, find the most bizarre, disturbing story you can in five moves or less. Show your work.

Round 1–The Totally Innocuous Personal Interest Story

Hey, did you hear about this guy who changed his name to “The” Dan Miller Experience? How wacky is THAT?! I mean, okay, Dan, and Miller? Sure. But “The?” With quotes no less? I’ll bet you this guy is a real character, if you know what I mean. A real piece of work, as they say.

Round 2—The Fairly Harmless Government-Compiled List

What else is new in naming?

Well, The Baby Center (They’re a Government Agency, dammit!) has released the 2007 list of most popular baby names!

Aside from letting you know what phonemes to start watching out for in the next ten years, it also proves just how little the generation currently spawning children is trying.

Exhibit A: boys’ names numbers 1, 4, and 5, which are, respectively, Aiden, Jayden, and Caden. Now how in good conscience can I name my unborn son after his beloved Grandfather Shmayden?

Meanwhile, Michael still holding strong at number 6, while the top female name is Sophia. Apparently Golden Girls is experiencing a return to relevance. And the number 6 female name? Addison. Thanks for cheapening Michael, bitch.

Round 3—The Pretty Horrific Dead Baby Story

What else is new in babies?

They’re dead. Police in Florida have arrested a 12-year-old for fatally beating the infant he was babysitting with a bat for crying while he was trying to watch TV.

Horrific yes, but to be fair, it was the season premiere of The Wire. And he had been listening to that Ramones song “beat on the brat” moments before. And when the Mom left him in charge, she did say “I forgot to make a list of emergency numbers, but there’s a bat over there.”

Round 4—The Depths of Human Depravity

What else is new in arrests for the murder of innocent creatures?

Well, this guy in Wisconsin is in jail for sexual contact with a dead deer. Not THAT crazy—I have uncles who have done similar—until you add on that he was “previously convicted of killing a horse with the intention of having sex with it.”

Setting aside the grammatical question of how you kill something with an intention, how did police know he was planning to fuck the dead animal? I imagine they must have found him slapping his flaccid penis across the poor beast’s backside. Lends a whole new meaning to “beating a dead horse.”

So there you have it! from “The” Dan Miller Experience to necrobestiality in four moves, with a dead baby en route! Beat that, Ian’s Unnecessary News Roundup!

Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes hilarious videos as writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim

• How I Spent My Summer Vacation, By Michael Swaim (Age 24) - August 9th, 2009
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