Learn Your Motherf#@kin' Science: A Textbook for Juggalos
You should really watch this video. Yes, it's the moment you've been waiting for: The Insane Clown Posse just came out with a new song.
It's called "Miracles," and it isn't just any old cut of sick joker mayhem; it's something special: an opportunity for the ICP to celebrate all of the mysteries of the universe. There is so much magic, so many unexplained phenomena occurring every day, that the Detroit Clown Madness Duo simply can't contain its awe.
Oddly, what the Insane Clown Posse categorize as "magical unexplained mysteries" involve things like "rainbows" and "giraffes" and "magnets." Somewhere down the line, the public school system has failed Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope. That's right, I blame not Misters J and Dope, but the system. The burden of education falls on the shoulders of our teachers, not students. If the traditional methods of teaching aren't getting through to a child, it is the obligation of the teacher to find a new method that will.
Or, alternately, it is my obligation.
I've created a juggalo-friendly textbook, taking into account the song's claim that they "don't wanna talk to a scientist," who they consider to be a "lying motherfucker" intent on "getting [them] pissed." To that end, every lesson will be directly based on actual ICP lyrics, and every page will be packed with in-your-face juggalo clown-rage. Or, the best clown-rage I can muster.
Juggaloco Psycho Clown-speak is a shockingly complex language.
Daniel O'Brien is a backflipping blackbelt in outerspace funk. His series, Agents of Cracked, is up for an award and you can vote for it here.
Keep the illegal immigrants, deport the Juggalos.
ReplyMagnetism is caused by the natural spinning force generated by charged particles. Individually they only shoot a tiny amount of spinning force, and in groups they just generate chaos (static electricity is a good example of that). But if they all spin in sync with each other, the spinning force combines and the result is called magnetism. There are two ways to make this happen, one is you can take some charged particles and expose them to another magnet to direct their spinning; or, since an electric current is literally just a moving current of charged particles, you could send an electric current through a coiled wire and force those fuckers to spin. Generally it works like a tornado and sucks other charged particles in, but if those charged particles are also spinning in the exact opposite way, they start pushing each other. (Like what would happen if you took the same pole from two magnets, and pointed them at each other.)
ReplyWhat are you, a scientist? Stop lying, you're getting me pissed.
What I really don't understand about Juggalos is, well, everything about them. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a huge fan of a band and calling yourself a specific name of your fanbase. Heck, Dead Heads have been around much longer than Juggalos. I have a friend who claims to be a Juggalo (well.. Juggalette, I guess) and I've asked her about it, and she told me that Juggalos are just one big happy family...unless you aren't a Juggalo, and if you say anything anti-ICP you are automatically a hater. They constantly post stupid pictures on their facebook "fuck the haterz" and bullshit like that. Isn't hating someone because they're a hater make you a hater by default?
ReplyAnother thing I don't understand is why people feel the need to dress up, buy every piece of merchandise with ICP logos on it, wear face paint, act like an idiot, all for the sake of liking a band? If your goal was to be an individual, isn't buying a product just because of what's on it make you a victim of non-individuality? If you make it a point to go to the mall just to buy ICP stuff, all you're doing is giving your money to those two greasy, low-lifed morons. You're not showing your love of a band; you're giving into their marketing scheme. I'm not saying I've never bought a poster or t-shirt with the Beatles on it because I adore the Beatles and consider myself a huge fan. I have plenty. I don't play dress-up every day to prove to everyone how much I love the Beatles. SEE?? I'M A FAN!!! LOOK AT ME!! LOOK AT MEEEE!!! I AM AN ATTENTION DEPRIVED CHILD STUCK IN AN ADULT BODY!!
Here's the dream: Put on some grown-up clothes, get a job that doesn't require a uniform (unless you're Armed Forces), get some self-respect, wipe that kool-aid mustache off your face and grow up!
I'm offended that you call those assholes a band.
Also, there's the United Juggalo Nazi Front. Can't say I remember the Dead Heads doing anything like that.
That was some funny s**t, good work.
Reply"I'm scared of words! I think Crows and Ghosts are completely interchangeable!" made me lose my shit. Seriously, it's everywhere. So worth it.
Reply"Percentage of magic up in this bitch." I laughed so hard I woke up my kid. Looking forward to picking up a copy of "Physics & Shit".
Replyfirst off there are intelligent "juggalos" look at me i am a juggalo and i am going somewhere in life so you're talking s**t about someone or "juggalos" then your the idiot
Reply Hide All See All 5 Repliesyou're
you're
Just saying
Is it too late to point out the horrible grammar too?
Really should make sure you have a decent grasp of the English language before attempting to use it to defend your intelligence…
I question your conviction that you're going somewhere, unless it's back to grammar school. First, learn capitalization, it helps: you capitalize the first letter of a sentence and the word 'I'. Next, commas. You need quite a bit in there. Third, you're/your. Learn the difference. I'd help, but I don't have *nearly* enough patience.
Oh my god that is evil genius funny. Juffalo. Nah, you ain't know that s**t at all... I pray to the big miracle in the sky that one day I catch a glimpse of a young, sweet juffalo family walking their pet juffaliraffe down a dirt road on their way to a midwestern Walmart, where they tie it, and their juffalidget kindren to a post so they can buy more face paint and belly shirts. Juffalicious!!
ReplyNow my head will never stop hurting....
Man that s**t is straight up hilarious. Appealing to the somewhat intelligent with the ignorance of the common juggalo. Crude maybe, ridiculous yes, funny as balls? Oh f**k yeah. Fuckloads of that s**t
ReplyCracked doesn't get it....
ReplyWhat's to get? Perhaps you could explain it to us? Cuz I think a lot of us are in the same boat as the cracked article.
Actaully, Cracked definitely gets it. If you're an adult, dress like a clown and think you're hard while being pretty illiterate, you're an idiot. What did they miss?
I used to love ICP, and I still every now and then like to listen to their older stuff. I don't even know any newer stuff. But knowing enough of "dat juggalicious language", this made me laugh my f*****g ass off. At work.
ReplyEven trees can be science!
ReplyThis is one of the funniest cracked articles I have ever read
Reply"juggaliraffes" Ha..nice. :)
ReplySooo...all that stuff on my fridge...is clown p***y? Now I'm just confused.
ReplyI won't lie. I USED to be a huge ICP fan, before everybody jumped on the "juggalo" band wagon and now every suburban wanna-be hard ass is suddenly a juggalo. The only defense I have for ICP on this one is they both dropped out of school before the 8th grade and grew up in the ghettos of Detroit. Other than that I'm just stunned at the way they've sold out.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesWhere was the defending in that sentence?
But seriously, how the f**k do they work? Im so confused...
Sorry, but since when is dropping out in middle school a good thing? I've read Violent J's book. He seems like a hell of a sweet guy, and he never struck me as stupid. So, why does he portray himself as a giant, illiterate douche bag on stage?
@CodexKels: well versed people are not necessarily good at science
There's a Juggalo band wagon?
So your defense is that you liked ICP "before they became popular and sold out". I'm confused. Does that make you a juggalo, a hipster, or some horrifying combination of both?
If Hitler were alive today, he would have rounded all the Juggalo's up into concentration camps...man, I'm not really a very hateful person, but Juggalo's have to the be the most ridiculously retarded group of "music" fans on the planet, and I would seriously consider kidnapping and murdering their heroes (with hatchets, of course) if I didn't think this would be seen as a martyrdom which would ensure their horrible music would continue to exist even longer...guess we'll all just have to wait for that worldwide EMP to destroy all technology....
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesAre you implying that juggalos are jewish?
Just make sure the bodies are never found. Also make it look like they fled the country to get out of debts or to avoid prosecution for child abuse or sonethin.
The Nazis didn't just exterminate the Jews; they oppressed anyone who opposed their viewpoint.
@SpockChick: The Nazis also rounded up the mentally handicapped.
If I remember correctly, the mentally ill were considered "unfit for life", even Germans. One of his own relatives (a great niece or something) died due to this policy. If Hitler killed off all the Jews, he would have moved on to everyone else eventually, mental illness ran in his family.
If only we learned like this, thatd be god
ReplyAwesome.
Replythey do one bad song and everybody gets on them about it, its ridiculous. they're dumb dudes from the ghetto who have way more money than you so who is the real idiot?
Reply Hide All See All 9 RepliesStill them, I think.
You just said they're dumb.
One bad song? One bad f**king song? I've heard their other songs, most of them are worse. They're just not stomachable by the general public and the concentration of stupid is localized into spesific areas instead of in a constant stream like "miracles".
To the guy above me
that wasnt very nice
Them. Pretty sure its them. Success does not equal intelligence and THEIR success comes from the fact that there's a good share of people equally retarded, or worse.
Money doesn't equal success to everybody, Chet, you god damn moron. Dumb-s**ts like you that think they're music is at all good and buy their terrible, terrible music make them successful. That just makes them wealthy idiots and you a plain, old, everyday idiot. Got it champ?
You got it all wrong, they only one GOOD song tops. No...wait....no they definitely all suck
@Waffle: In terms of "legitimately good" songs, I agree with you. That said, I do find the majority of their work to be more amusing than most stand-up comics these days.
@Rocco: It's true that there are more facets to success than just a growing wallet, but even that much is more than some people achieve in their lives. Earning the adoration, respect, or fan-following of thousands of individuals is also something many people aspire to and many more fail to do- and yet, I would say that this particular pair of Detroit wackos have done so successfully, regardless of the unfavorable opinions of others (which, frankly, everyone encounters no matter what they're doing with their lives).
@Cowboy: Indeed, but it's still success- and frankly, you don't hold a financially-viable niche in the music industry for as long as ICP have if you don't have *some* semblance of business savvy... or at least a competent manager. I'm not by any means saying they're rocket scientists, but I am saying that accomplishing what they have takes a certain amount of both talent and knowledge, whether in the hands of the artists themselves or their handlers.
I know that if I had the choice to be both unquestioningly loved and vehemently hated by millions of people the world over, and to make more money in a couple of hours than most people make in a month's salary, or to be a relative nobody who works forty-plus hours a week to pay the bills... hell yes, I'd take the first option in a heartbeat. I would definitely call that success.
I prefer when Mac Lethal makes fun of those Juggatardos.
Ummm.... you?