If someone asked me to write a memoir when I was fifteen, I can't imagine it would be all that inspiring. It would presumably include one chapter about how much I liked the WWF's Degeneration X stable, one chapter about how unfair it was that my high school cafeteria only had corndogs, like, once every million years, and the rest of the chapters would have been dedicated to boobs, and how much I liked them. (Spoiler Alert: So much.)
Seriously, that would be my Memoir because it turns out that fifteen-year- olds don't know anything about anything.
Still, despite logic, reason or good judgment, someone decided to hire Actress/ Singer/ Songwriter/ SnakeMonster Hannah Montana to write an autobiography, and, according to reports, she just finished. Now, devotees of the site will recall that, about a year ago, I began what some in the liberal media elite have dubbed an "unprovoked and inappropriate feud" with that bitch who plays Hannah Montana. How involved was this feud? Well, as evidence, every single letter in MileyCyrus leads to a different blog post where I attack her.
Yes, even though we both said some mean things in the past, Miley decided to email me, probably against the wishes of every one of her bosses and relatives, to get my thoughts on this first draft of her autobiography, tentatively titled Unhinge Your Jaw And Swallow Happiness Whole: The Miley Cyrus Story.
So, below, for the first time ever, I have the official transcripts from Cyrus' first book, and
I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Miley: This book is terrible and you're bad for America.
Probably not the cover of her book.From Chapter Three: An Unforgettable Call
"The day Disney called me to tell me I'd landed the part of Hannah Montana was the most important day of my life. I can't even imagine what my life was like before that moment. Literally. Disney's team of scientists blasted me with a specific enzyme, (CaMKII), which erased all the memories I had prior to being cast as Hannah, so now I can't access any of those early memories. Every once in a while, I get weird flashes of the life I used to have, like snapshots, but they never stay for that long. Sometimes I have dreams where I used to have a couple of sisters, but I never see them around, so... so I guess I don't have them. Oh well. Reach for the stars, kids!"
From Chapter Six: BFFS!
"The actors that the studio hired to be my friends are okay, I guess. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better for me psychologically if I was allowed to grow up out of the spotlight and make friends naturally, and organically. Meeting people, bonding over common interests, learning how to compromise. That sort of thing.
But, in a way, doesn't everyone have their friendships decided based on the whims of a powerful and unfeeling corporation, all in the interest of furthering their career? (I'm not trying to be deep or philosophical or anything, I'm just genuinely curious: Is that how friendships happen? I have no frame of reference.)"
From Chapter Twelve: Insanity Fair! Lol. No, But Seriously, This Was
"One day, I worked with professional photographer Annie Leibowitz to shoot the cover of Vanity Fair. I've never heard of her, but my handlers assured me that I'm very honored to be working with her. We took a bunch of uncomfortable pictures that, personally, really bothered me. My handlers assured me that they were 'tasteful and artistic,' so when interviewers asked me about them later, that's what I said. A few months later, my handlers assured me to admit that they were a mistake that I'm embarrassed by, so that's what I said to everyone. Reportedly, I feel like this was a real learning experience for me, personally and professionally.
Even though I didn't want to take this photo in the first place, I'm told that doing things I don't want to do, (and then pretending I did want to do them and then, later, pretending I regret doing them), is all a part of being in the Disney Family. Oh well. I guess every teenager goes through a phase like this, am I right? Stay off drugs!"
From Chapter Eight: Text Mess!
"GROSS! UGH, I had the WORST DAY. I was texting at dinner tonight and Mom got mad, so she took away one of my cellphones! Can you believe that? I mean, I still had two other phones to text my bffs, but that was still totally unfair. I was sooo mad. Luckily, the good people at the Disney Corporation found out, returned my cellphone and banished my Mom to an underground Disney bunker where they keep Walt Disney's frozen head, as well as some various pieces of Nazi paraphernalia. They assigned me a new Mom, and she's much more 'chill' and laid back, you know? I think she's gonna work out just fine."
From Chapter 23: Miley Harvey Oswald
"In conjunction with an unclassified branch of the United States Government, the Disney Corporation had me go back in time and assassinate John F. Kennedy. Stay in school!"
From Chapter 25: Boy Toy!
"The Disney Corporation was nice enough to give me a boyfriend!! He's a total hottie, I think he's a model, and he's real sweet, but also a robot. Disney was worried that I'd get all pregnant on them and they'd have another Spears mess on their hands, so they built and designed the perfect boyfriend for me. It's nice to walk around and hold hands with him, but we don't always agree on everything. Like, sometimes, I just want to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie, but all he wants to do is recharge his batteries and check for security updates. But I guess all relationships have their ups and downs. Believe in yourself!"
From Chapter 30: PICTURES!
"This is me performing at the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards! Oh My God, so much fun."
All photoshops courtesy of Randall.