If someone asked me to write a memoir when I was fifteen, I can’t imagine it would be all that inspiring. It would presumably include one chapter about how much I liked the WWF’s Degeneration X stable, one chapter about how unfair it was that my high school cafeteria only had corndogs, like, once every million years, and the rest of the chapters would have been dedicated to boobs, and how much I liked them. (Spoiler Alert: So much.)
Seriously, that would be my Memoir because it turns out that fifteen-year- olds don’t know anything about anything.
Still, despite logic, reason or good judgment, someone decided to hire Actress/ Singer/ Songwriter/ SnakeMonster Hannah Montana to write an autobiography, and, according to reports, she just finished. Now, devotees of the site will recall that, about a year ago, I began what some in the liberal media elite have dubbed an “unprovoked and inappropriate feud” with that bitch who plays Hannah Montana. How involved was this feud? Well, as evidence, every single letter in Miley Cyrus leads to a different blog post where I attack her.
Yes, even though we both said some mean things in the past, Miley decided to email me, probably against the wishes of every one of her bosses and relatives, to get my thoughts on this first draft of her autobiography, tentatively titled Unhinge Your Jaw And Swallow Happiness Whole: The Miley Cyrus Story.
So, below, for the first time ever, I have the official transcripts from Cyrus’ first book, and
I’m gonna tell you the same thing I told Miley: This book is terrible and you’re bad for America.
Probably not the cover of her book.
From Chapter Three: An Unforgettable Call
“The day Disney called me to tell me I’d landed the part of Hannah Montana was the most important day of my life. I can’t even imagine what my life was like before that moment. Literally. Disney’s team of scientists blasted me with a specific enzyme, (CaMKII), which erased all the memories I had prior to being cast as Hannah, so now I can’t access any of those early memories. Every once in a while, I get weird flashes of the life I used to have, like snapshots, but they never stay for that long. Sometimes I have dreams where I used to have a couple of sisters, but I never see them around, so… so I guess I don’t have them. Oh well. Reach for the stars, kids!”
From Chapter Six: BFFS!
“The actors that the studio hired to be my friends are okay, I guess. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better for me psychologically if I was allowed to grow up out of the spotlight and make friends naturally, and organically. Meeting people, bonding over common interests, learning how to compromise. That sort of thing.
But, in a way, doesn’t everyone have their friendships decided based on the whims of a powerful and unfeeling corporation, all in the interest of furthering their career? (I’m not trying to be deep or philosophical or anything, I’m just genuinely curious: Is that how friendships happen? I have no frame of reference.)”
From Chapter Twelve: Insanity Fair! Lol. No, But Seriously, This Was
Humiliating.
“One day, I worked with professional photographer Annie Leibowitz to shoot the cover of Vanity Fair. I’ve never heard of her, but my handlers assured me that I’m very honored to be working with her. We took a bunch of uncomfortable pictures that, personally, really bothered me. My handlers assured me that they were ‘tasteful and artistic,’ so when interviewers asked me about them later, that’s what I said. A few months later, my handlers assured me to admit that they were a mistake that I’m embarrassed by, so that’s what I said to everyone. Reportedly, I feel like this was a real learning experience for me, personally and professionally.
Even though I didn’t want to take this photo in the first place, I’m told that doing things I don’t want to do, (and then pretending I did want to do them and then, later, pretending I regret doing them), is all a part of being in the Disney Family. Oh well. I guess every teenager goes through a phase like this, am I right? Stay off drugs!”
From Chapter Eight: Text Mess!
“GROSS! UGH, I had the WORST DAY. I was texting at dinner tonight and Mom got mad, so she took away one of my cellphones! Can you believe that? I mean, I still had two other phones to text my bffs, but that was still totally unfair. I was sooo mad. Luckily, the good people at the Disney Corporation found out, returned my cellphone and banished my Mom to an underground Disney bunker where they keep Walt Disney’s frozen head, as well as some various pieces of Nazi paraphernalia. They assigned me a new Mom, and she’s much more ‘chill’ and laid back, you know? I think she’s gonna work out just fine.”
From Chapter 23: Miley Harvey Oswald
“In conjunction with an unclassified branch of the United States Government, the Disney Corporation had me go back in time and assassinate John F. Kennedy. Stay in school!”
From Chapter 25: Boy Toy!
“The Disney Corporation was nice enough to give me a boyfriend!! He’s a total hottie, I think he’s a model, and he’s real sweet, but also a robot. Disney was worried that I’d get all pregnant on them and they’d have another Spears mess on their hands, so they built and designed the perfect boyfriend for me. It’s nice to walk around and hold hands with him, but we don’t always agree on everything. Like, sometimes, I just want to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie, but all he wants to do is recharge his batteries and check for security updates. But I guess all relationships have their ups and downs. Believe in yourself!”
From Chapter 30: PICTURES!
“This is me performing at the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards! Oh My God, so much fun.”
All photoshops courtesy of Randall.
This entry was posted on Friday, October 24th, 2008 at 7:00 am and is filed under That Bitch Who Plays Hannah Montana, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 13th, 2009 at 8:22 am
I’ve really enjoyed reading your articles. You obviously know what you are talking about! Your site is so easy to navigate too, I’ve bookmarked it in my favourites
September 26th, 2009 at 11:30 am
I still don’t get why anyone likes her “music” or “tv show”.
September 19th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
YOUR A D-GENERATION X FAN!! I love you a billion times more now, DOB.
September 8th, 2009 at 7:40 am
[...] And then, every second sentence there’s canned laughter, regardless of whether any sane guy would call it a joke or not. Adding a laughter track does not make it a comedy show. It makes it a lame attempt at comedy, but not comedy. You know which other show on Disney Channel is guilty of the same crime? The Hannah Montana Show, featuring SnakeMonster. [...]
August 20th, 2009 at 6:51 am
The Miley-Cyrus Nazi pic isn’t good! delete it! I’d talk with Disney about that!
August 6th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
@you’re all retards
Mister Dr. BOB has written a book, its called “Holla Atta Bitch: The Gentleman’s Guide to Snaggin’ Skanky Blonde Hoodrats” I’ve never read it but I’m pretty sure its going to be big… Bible big… DOB is the next Jesus NYT bestseller author so watch out or he might use his Jesus like powers to turn your blood into acid and that fish you ate into five hundred fish… in your stomach… pop!
July 14th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
If the developement of this web blog is truly the worst thing in the world, then I suppose all the children starving in Africa are actually laughing they’re asses off right now, as I was when I read this. If I had an ass. I’m a sign post of course.
And to the person named: You’re All Retards.
…Really?
A fifteen year old child is writing an autobiography, and you think we should be ashamed for attacking it? The idea is absurd. I seriously doubt she even wrote it, she was probably asked a few questions by a professional about certain events in her life that she wanted written down, while the rest of the technical writing and actual history will be researched and put on paper later. That is the extent of her involvement. I guarantee.
June 30th, 2009 at 9:58 am
I actually had to read all the comments out of curiousity, and it seems that there are a lot of people defending hannah montana, or whatever undercover name she’s got now(which would actually be kind of cool miley cirus cia spook, my favourite part would be her getting waterboarded by KGB agents) but it’s a simple strategy if you’re offended by any of this stuff DON’T READ IT.
June 9th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
To: You’re All Retards:
Dear, You’re All Retards,
It has come to my attention that you believe that it is not only typical for teenage girls to act in such an immature, selfish, obliviously spoiled fashion, but also that it is not wrong.
While the former is true, the latter assertion - that it is fine and dandy - is false.
I bear no grudge against Miley, because, frankly; I don’t know her. I can say, though, that if she acts how most people SAY that she acts, then I would, as anyone else, want to punch my fist through her face, having it come out the back of her head, holding her brain in a tight grasp.
Then I would release it, let it drop to the floor in slow motion, and subsequently say an awesome one-liner.
Like, “You BRAIN’t gonna star in any more movies.”
June 5th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
Just how much of that is real? I am having a very hard time drawing the line… the inner workings of Disney terrify me on so many levels.
To all those who say its stupid to make fun of her. Come on like you don’t make fun of anyone? We’ve got our rights! Dumping on people who are dumping on something else is redundant.
June 2nd, 2009 at 8:32 pm
SMF_K9 Says:
March 9th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
that whole thing about the text mess is so immature and
typical teenage-girlish, its unbelievable…
She is a teenage girl you fucking goon…. what do you expect???
And as for the creator of this topic and the “witty pictures and book excerpts” why don’t you write a book on the things you’ve experienced, and the things that seem important and interesting to you, then we’ll get some pictures of you, post it all on a site like this and have a good laught at you, you little dweeb…… who gives a shit if she wants to write a book or not, whats sad is that you read it just to make fun of her, and anyone who makes a blog just to rag and make fun of someone, and better yet, goons like the rest of you that come on here to join in on it are truly sad and pathetic, but if doing all that makes you feel better about yourself then have at it. The creation of the blog was the worst thing in the world…Keep your opinions to yourself or one day you’ll endure the same fate….douche bags…..
June 1st, 2009 at 5:19 pm
I think the whole book is the text chapter just expanded out to 100 pages.
May 3rd, 2009 at 2:41 am
Saraly is obviously one of miley sirus’s(or is it hanna montana!?!?)
alter egos.
Regardlessly she needs to shut her mouth before i fuck it
April 21st, 2009 at 4:44 pm
she is a no talent assclown - shaheen is way better
April 20th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
saraly your fucking retard its his job to make fun of… well really anything you can possibly make fun of. Like literally, his job is to sit at his desk and think if funny things to write, the lucky bastard…
April 19th, 2009 at 5:49 am
Saraly, really, shut up. This isn’t going to change anyone’s opinion. And throwing random curses/threats/whining doesn’t make you a bigger person.
Now go, go little Troll. Try to act funny somewhere else.
April 11th, 2009 at 4:44 am
Saraly: Oh, please, act you DO know her or something. Oh, and those risqué pictures that got out quite beg to differ against the little ‘perfect virtue princess’ little Miley Cyrus has going on currently. I was stunned when I read the excerpts, they’re so exceptionally childish, it’s hard to comprehend it all. He was just having an amusing time, showing the rest of us, or the ‘Miley Cyrus hate group’ some laughable pictures. I would relate- It is fun to offend a famed celebrity, particularly teenagers. Why are you getting so offended anyway? It wasn’t as if he (whoever runs this site) was speaking directly to you. And why are you sticking up for her anyway? It isn’t as if she would appreciate it anyway. She’s already on her way to pulling a Spears mess on her way. The only real devoted fans that girl has got is 5-10 years old and some 15-17 year-olds that are sad listening to that shit, it’s almost pathetic.
I’m not trying to bash her out or anything of the likes, but sometimes I can’t help but to pick sides, basing on from what I hear. I mean, I was trying to act courteous when I saw that she had published a book, neglecting the negative thoughts occupying my mind, because media aren’t always trustworthy and often tend to exaggerate. Thinking that she had pulled herself together and wrote a truly, heart-wrenching story about her hard struggle achieving something beyond her dreams. But that was before I had read these excerpts.
I mean, GOD, I’m from Sweden and my English is far better then hers, nor do I talk or write in such an adolescent way and I’m 14. She’s so immature. Posting a song that’s so obviously about Nick, it’s hard to not see it. I would under no circumstances do that, the humiliation and the mortification would be too much. What better way is there to disgrace yourself then to, in blind haughtiness, put in writing, a song, regarding your ex, and then posting it to millions of fans to observe along with your ex? Who would think of doing such an ingenious act? Oh, right. Miley-frickin-Cyrus.
All I have to say to that Cyrus, is grow the fuck up.
April 10th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
WTF is your problem? And spending all this effort to attack a 16 year old clearly shows you have one. Go do something more productive with your sad, pitiful little life and stop insulting someone who you know nothing real about and who never did anything even remotely harmful to you. Do you get off on being pointlessly mean or something? Judging by all the blog posts you’ve done on ‘how much I hate Miley Cyrus even though I’ve never met her or watched Hannah Montana or listened to her music’, and ‘I’m sure all my problems are caused specifically by her just because I KNOW she’s evil’, you are obsessed and probably in denial about this funny concept known as “a person’s OWN actions affect their life somehow”. You suck.
And all you idiots who commented about how much you HATE Miley Cyrus, ha ha this blog is so funny and awesome for making fun of her, go get a life. Or better yet, go to hell.
March 22nd, 2009 at 5:12 am
DOB - GOD.
The picture at the end made me snort Red Bull out my nose.
So worth it.
March 9th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
that whole thing about the text mess is so immature and typical teenage-girlish, its unbelievable…
March 4th, 2009 at 11:05 am
yuck, miley cyrus. her voice irritates me, it sounds like she gargles with drawing pins and snot.
also, seddah, please stop associating her with british people. we would so much rather you kept her.
March 2nd, 2009 at 4:55 am
good
January 30th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
i cant believe this hasnt been pointed out…
Hannah Montana was spawned from the most diabolical mullet this world has ever known… that of Billy Ray “Achy-Breaky Heart” Cyrus, this clearly explains… everything
January 18th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
I want you to do me, DOB
January 9th, 2009 at 4:00 am
For some reason, she looks hot holding the rifle like that….
December 1st, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Hannah Montana made Carlos Mencia famous.
November 30th, 2008 at 6:52 am
Oh fuck. I fucking love you. You have no idea how much I HATE that fugly, British-mouthed, CUNT. She’s a fucking twat who talks like a fucking wrestler with a mouthguard, has no fucking musical talent whatsoever, and looks like one of the photos from The Simpson’s “Big Book of British Smiles”. I hope she dies quickly so we can all move on.
November 24th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
You are a genius man! You really inspired me. Now i can see the truth about Hannah Montana. Thank you very much.
I’ve even started a blog: http://anti-hannahmontana.blogspot.com/
November 8th, 2008 at 6:24 am
Miley Cyrus once donned a wig in an attempt to go undercover like her onscreen alter ego Hannah Montana - but her plan was foiled when she set her hair on fire.
The Disney star shot to fame on her hit Disney TV series, in which she plays Hannah Montana, a pop star who wears a wig onstage to conceal her true identity as school student Miley Stewart.
Cyrus attempted a similar stunt to go unnoticed by her fans - but her efforts failed when she used a straightening iron on the hairpiece.
She tells British talk show This Morning, “I had the idea (to go out in disguise) so I got a wig and it was really short, a tomboy cut, and I decided to straighten it. I’m sitting down and all of a sudden I start smelling smoke. I thought, ‘What is that?’
“The wig is literally catching on fire because I didn’t know it was a cheap wig. And I thought, ‘This isn’t going to work for me.’ So it doesn’t work in real life but it works on the show!”
November 4th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Appropriate use of mutalisk. A++++++ fast shipping good seller wba!!!
November 1st, 2008 at 9:22 pm
No, I’m Olivia, and I say Miley Cyrus looks like this transvestite I once knew from Idaho. Amanda. Amanda the tranvestite was her name.
November 1st, 2008 at 6:06 pm
I’m 15, and you’re correct, for the most part, we know nothing. My charming amigos could write a book about marijuana, an amusing one full of spelling errors and lacking any sort of punctuation except !!!!!, and nothing else. I’ve had a few things happen to me, including a few suicide attempts and the suicide of my best friend, and I couldn’t write a memoir. Miley Cyrus has had even less happen to her. She was born. She got a TV show. She probably got HIV/AIDS from her father. The end. Idiot.
November 1st, 2008 at 4:03 pm
i would have a 3some with miley and her brother trace
November 1st, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Hannah Montana crank calls Andrew Sachs and blames it on others.
November 1st, 2008 at 9:16 am
I can’t wait till she turn’s 18. I will marry her and love her for ALL TIME!!!
November 1st, 2008 at 2:01 am
hannah montana pisses in your cereal every morning.
hanah montana is the boogeyman.
November 1st, 2008 at 1:43 am
hannah montana is the reason your parents have never and never will love you… ever.
hannah montana killed your puppy.
hannah montana knows how to cure cancer, AIDS, and end poverty, but she won’t tell anyone.
October 30th, 2008 at 1:50 am
I seem to remember a time when I liked the Disney channel back in the 90’s when I was little. I can only say this because for some odd reason the channel came in for free one night and The Goonies came on which kicked ass. Soon after that it went back to a pay channel. Years later I find out its free again, and has the worst programing Ive ever seen. At least cartoons ruled in the 90’s, hell Id gladly get stoned and watch ren and stimpy. Hannah Montana and all those dumbfuck shows are so horrid I wouldnt mind suicide bombing thier fucking studio sometime. Preteen “stars” piss me off, so im in the right place here.
October 29th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
hannah montana got me excommunicated from my family.
no. seriously. when i worked at ticketmaster, my cousins asked me for free tickets to a hannah montana concert. but since they never came to any of my own concerts, i bitched them out and shortly after, i was never allowed to attend any of my extended family’s crazy drunk irish yuppy christmas parties ever again.
October 29th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
I should really proof read before I post….
Whatever, ignore they spelling errors.
October 29th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Oh your god amanda. She’s the worst christian ever? Because she said oh my god? I’m a Christian and I say from time to time. I also say things like shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.
Something tells me that the God Hates Fags dude is the worst Christian ever.
I mean I hate Hannah Montana as much as anyone here, but I honestly am going to have to defend the real person behind the charicter for a min. I hope you know it acutally puts me in phisical pain to do this.
So fucking what she sings some lame as lyrics about boys and girls partying together. What the hell does that have to do with her being a hypocrite.
I honestly doubt you you could write better than anything writen here. And I have no idea if you were serious about the sarcasm thing. Do you actually think any of this is real (I’m seriously asking, you are admitidly younger than a 15 year old girl so I doubt you have a complete grasp on reality or the english language).
Can we get back to hating on Hannah Montana for more legit reasons, like how she taught Nazism to Hitler.
Also, Hannah Montana made me post this.
October 29th, 2008 at 1:32 am
Hannah Montana isn’t even from Montana. She is from Hell.
October 29th, 2008 at 12:44 am
naked female news! FREE! on http://www.TOKILLFOR.com
hot. that’s hot. boobies
October 28th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
Hannah Montana is Voldemort.
Henceforth, it shall be referred to as SnakeMonster-who-shall-not-be-named.
SnakeMonster-who-shall-not-be-named framed O.J.
SnakeMonster-who-shall-not-be-named is pro-death.
SnakeMonster-who-shall-not-be-named uses its massive front teeth to peel the skin off of infants.
SnakeMonster-who-shall-not-be-named caused global warming (because it breathes fire).
SnakeMonster-who-shall-not-be-named tells toddlers that rain means Jesus is crying because of something they did.
SnakeMonster-who-shall-not-be-named tried to sell its soul to Satan, but the soul check bounced.
SnakeMonster-who-shall-not-be-named is the real father of Sarah Palin’s unborn grandchild.
SnakeMonster-who-shall-not-be-named stole Michael Jackson’s nose.
SnakeMonster-who-shall-not-be-named took a dump on the economy, which promptly died.
SnakeMonster-who-shall-not-be-named puts a hair in your toothbrush every morning, after it uses it to scrub its tentacles.
October 28th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
“The Worst Christian Ever?” Wow. Now THERE would be a contest.
October 28th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Snake picture made me laugh.
You’re a funny guy- finally someone who sees the real Ho in Miley Cyrus.
Sadly, I must admit I am younger than her. Yet I can write about eight times better, and my dog can fart better than she can sing. Can’t wait till her career falls down the Drain of Celebrity Despair. Though it’s too late for her brain…
And her sarcasm is terrible. How about instead of constantly lying with stupid random blurbs at the end, she actually says something worthwhile. Or maybe she was actually being serious?
I’m probably going to buy this just to draw moustaches on her pictures and scribble out some words. Don’t know why I would bother- guess just because the feeling afterward would be cool.
I have nothing against Christianity, but if she’s a Christian then she is most likely the worst one ever. Not only does she take these photos like that, and sing about “If you were a good boy you could come to my girls night out” (gayest song ever), but now she used her Lord’s name in vain?? Right there- “This is me performing at the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards! Oh My God, so much fun.” Hypocrite.
Miley Cyrus steals shoes from Homeless Shelters
Miley Cyrus dumps in your yard and blames your dog
October 28th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
Hanah Montana turns 18 in 2012. The world ends in 2012. Coincidence?
October 28th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Hannah Montana killed Santa
Hannah Montana won’t let you’re people go
If Hannah Montana’s name is said aloud three times a baby puppy dies from cancer
Hannah Montana is your father
Hannah Montana eats red-haired babies because “They taste like ginger.”
October 28th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Miley Cyrus hates the holocaust. Where’s she’s from murdering 12 million innocent people is a pre-brunch activity.
October 28th, 2008 at 7:07 am
i think DOB should release his autobiography, godammit!!
October 28th, 2008 at 12:51 am
I love it when sarcasm goes undetected.
(But that wasn’t sarcastic, I really do, it makes me laugh.)
October 27th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Mabism:
Miley Cyrus sacrificed the souls of one thousand infants to the devil to learn the secret of the grand unified theory but is too much of a dick to tell anyone what it is.
What a dick.
October 27th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Mabism:
Miley Cyrus cries herself to sleep every night because she knows that somewhere out there is at least one baby she hasn’t sodomized yet.
October 27th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Those tats (especially the swastika) just make her that much hotter. Only a few more months and you’re legal in my state, baby! Of course, kidnapping and bringing you here would still be though, huh? Dammit. Back to the lab again.
October 27th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
but prime example:
“what I find funny is that you hate this girl, but you still read her entire book.
I don’t think I would read anything made by someone I despised.”
October 27th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
ah, didn’t read Ysji’s previous post. That would have explained everything and thus I wouldn’t have been confused about his intentions.
October 27th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
plboowifi, I was pretty sure he was being sarcastic, but I couldn’t tell, due to the fact that there are people seriously asking why DOB would read HM’s book and repost it.
So Daniel Dicky holds the title for the most bizzare spam here. Or most bizare post here, beating count barqula’s opus “I brought fish and breadbaskets for everyone”
October 27th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Of all the Miley Cyrus articles, this one comes closest to the most accurate.
What? No, Mistress! I am not giving your evil secrets out to the Internets!
Psst! The next project after the book is to follow the Britney-Spears-”writing”-and-starring-in-Crossroads model and for Miley to write an actual screenplay (partially autobiographical). Beware, mortals. Beware!
Yes, Mistress, I am sure Jerry Bruckheimer will exec produce!
Gotta go.
October 27th, 2008 at 2:18 am
@Ysij
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA UR STUPID TEH PICS RNT RELE NUN OF ET EZ LOLOLOLOLLOLLOLOLOLLOLOLOL
ALSO, WAT R SARCASMZ PLX
October 27th, 2008 at 2:17 am
@Metalbrainsurgery
There’s a magical land where people dictate sarcasm with tone of voice. Unfortunately, in this realm of the interwebs, things such as tone and body language are often lost. It is then that speakers rely on the ridiculousness of their claims to convey sarcasm.
What I’m trying to say is that you are more fucktarded than anyone who thought any of those pictures are real, and that you need to learn that when someone says something absurd, sometimes they meant for it to be absurd.
October 26th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Check out http://www.DanielDickey.com
It’s A Virtual Handjob, It’s Where Midgets Are Made, It’s Sex With Dinosuars, It’s Where Gay Monsters Go To Relax, It’s A Vagina Cafe.
Daniel Dickey
October 26th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Cyrus has a twenty year old BF, POUNCE ON IT O’BRIEN!
October 26th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Ysij? Seriously? I thought that was SO real. Jeez.
October 26th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Wow, who knew she was capable of forming a series of such intelligent thoughts?
Well i guess that’s what the ghost writer gets paid for.
October 26th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
You know what would make this website way better? Remove the comments section.
October 26th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
@Ysij: Welcome to the internet. You must be new here.
October 26th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Also, can I point out that the picture of Miley Fucking Cyrus as Venom is CLEARLY photoshopped?
I mean, come on, that girl won’t EVER have boobs that size.
October 26th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
@glendoor…” … like politics maybe.”
Ooooh, better yet … Flat Tax vs. Progressive Tax. Tax reform is hilarious.
ps. Missed this site and your comments while my computer was dead. Hope you are doing well.
that’s all
October 26th, 2008 at 11:58 am
I honestly can’t tell if people ACTUALLY think that Miley Fucking Cyrus wrote a book, then emailed it to Dan O’Brien, then he reposted it on the internet. Like, I’m on the fence, because they sound so serious and angry.
October 26th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Half??? penis size does not count there Dan.
October 26th, 2008 at 6:35 am
“Cowboymonkey21 Says:
October 25th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
This is a joke right?”
Does this ever stop becoming ridiculous?
October 25th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
5′2″ and a half, Sergeant.
October 25th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
This is really the best use for the phrase,
“I think my IQ just dropped 50 points.”
October 25th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
*whimpers* It hurts so much…
October 25th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
and Micheal Swaim is going bald. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
October 25th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
I really wish Dan would stop writing about Hanna Montana and, I don’t know , write about something fresh, like politics maybe.
@ Who Cares Dan, is not a fullgrown man, he’s only like 5′2 or something.
October 25th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
This is a joke right?
October 25th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Was there an official call for Mabisms, or do people just come up with them whenever the name “Hannah Montana” is mentioned?
October 25th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
HAH! That was hilarious. The whole Insanity Fair paragraph was great, culminating in this:
“Reportedly, I feel like this was a real learning experience for me, personally and professionally.”
LOL. And this:
“But, in a way, doesn’t everyone have their friendships decided based on the whims of a powerful and unfeeling corporation, all in the interest of furthering their career? (I’m not trying to be deep or philosophical or anything, I’m just genuinely curious: Is that how friendships happen? I have no frame of reference.)””
Heh, genius.
October 25th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Wren, how about you rip yourself?
October 25th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Mabisms? How about:
Every year on your birthday, Miley Cyrus takes a dump on a picture of you.
October 25th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Kudos on the photoshops Randall.
That was a funny read. LoL
October 25th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Lmfao, the whole JFK thing had me in hysterical laughter.
And remember kids, Hannah Montanna aka Miley Achey Breakey Snakemonster aka Xenu aka BITCH is 100% heroin and we all know drugs are bad, plus it explains why the teeny boppers are so addicted.
October 25th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Yay for the DX reference. lol I think I may officially love you DOB
October 25th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Mwahahaha, fools.
FOOOLS!
October 25th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Miley Cyrus cursed the Red Sox.
Miley Cyrus feeds live, squealing rats to orphans, cackling in her golden diamond throne while they scramble at her feet in grey rags.
Miley Cyrus and Bill Bellchick created Tom Brady.
Miley Cyrus feeds on your pain.
October 25th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Mmmm… mabisms…
Hannah Montana ate your homework.
In a surprising show of mind-control talent and artistic talentlessness, Hannah Montana has been controlling Ben Affleck for the entirety of his pathetic career, and is singlehandedly responsible for the horror that was “Gigli.”
Miley Cyrus IS Xenu.
October 25th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Is it possible to both hate the guts of and feel sorry for this girl?
October 25th, 2008 at 10:57 am
“In conjunction with an unclassified branch of the United States Government, the Disney Corporation had me go back in time and assassinate John F. Kennedy. Stay in school!”
Hehehehehe…
Leave it alone, pro-HMs. You’re like the people who Google No-On-Prop-8 forums so you can rave about protecting marrige. People need something to rip apart to make themselves feel better. Since I’m fairly certain that HM is not negatively affected by this article (hell, she’s probably never gonna see it), so it’s a productive way for us to make ourselves feel good.
It’s that, or harassing retards. Wait, that’s one and the same.
October 25th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Are these people REALLY that stupid?
I mean Raynos and JokerSage must be stoned (if they are, that’s OK, if not- shame on you) to believe or take seriously ANYthing that is written in Cracked.com
This is a JOKE website.
And a fuckin’ great one at that!
Great article, Im still laughing)
October 25th, 2008 at 7:26 am
Raynos, at this point of your life, you should take some CaMKII too.
October 25th, 2008 at 6:52 am
You forgot to mention that she’s a serial abortionist.
October 25th, 2008 at 6:47 am
I love Miley Cyrus. Her music is awesome, and her show is funny. She rocks and I’m not afraid to admit it.
(Oh dear God in heaven above forgive me, I’m so sorry)
October 25th, 2008 at 6:39 am
omg. please tell me jokersage doesn’t ACTUALLY think you really read the book………. great article had me in tears laughing!!!
October 25th, 2008 at 6:26 am
Scott, there’s a third kind of idiot, one which is becoming more and more prevalent: Idiots who don’t know the difference between you’re and your I normally don’t gripe at people who make that mistake, because it’s just not worth the effort, but when you do it while calling someone else an idiot. . .
October 25th, 2008 at 6:24 am
Are these really excerpts?
– banished my Mom to an underground Disney bunker where they keep Walt Disney’s frozen head, as well as some various pieces of Nazi paraphernalia
–Disney’s team of scientists blasted me with a specific enzyme, (CaMKII), which erased all the memories
I mean these seems like preety weird stuff. Is Miley really serious?
October 25th, 2008 at 6:00 am
what I find funny is that you hate this girl, but you still read her entire book.
I don’t think I would read anything made by someone I despised.
October 25th, 2008 at 4:47 am
“Your both idiots.”
LULZIRONI!!!11!
October 25th, 2008 at 3:46 am
There are two types of idiots in this world:
1. Those who put celebrities up on a pedestal and worship every action they do and every word they speak. Whenever a celebrity has an opinion or does something stupid, these people will stand behind them 100% and make excuses to justify whatever they do and will typically accept the celebrity’s ideology.
2. Those people who think they are somehow better than celebrities just because of the celebrities’ success/popularity. These people will immediately dismiss opinions of celebrities as if they have no value JUST because of their status. If the celebrity does something stupid, these people will be the first to say “ha! you deserve it”
Your both idiots. Celebrities are just people to get paid a lot for what they do. That doesn’t make them any less or any more deserving of respect. People may praise you for standing up against miley or whatever, but in reality you are just as much of a tool as the screaming fans.
October 25th, 2008 at 3:14 am
That last pic there is technically a nude. Not the best angle, but it will be made up for in full when she turns 18 and finally poses for Playboy, and we all get some awesome shots of her barely legal hammer tail. And, if there is a God, a close up of her cloaca! HEYO!
October 25th, 2008 at 3:06 am
holy god youre a genious
October 25th, 2008 at 2:51 am
You all a bunch of fuckin’ assholes. You know why? You don’t have the guts to be what you wanna be. You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin’ fingers and say, “That’s the bad guy.” Fuck Walt Disney, and fuck the fuckin’ Jonas Brothers! Fuck ‘em all! I bury those cockroaches! I’m Hannah Montana! You fuck with me, you fuckin’ with the best!
October 25th, 2008 at 2:29 am
I love love LOVE the people who defend Miley Cyrus because of her age. Like, “she’s just a little girl, don’t pick on the little girl!”
Come ON. She’s a 15-year-old who makes her money screaming and lip syncing. If she wants to stop having people talk about her, she can retire (pretty comfortably) and people will stop.
But until then, all her fangirls or whoever the fuck is defending her can shut the hell up because it comes with the business.
Also, the article was funny, so stop getting all offended, it makes you seem more than a little retarded.
October 25th, 2008 at 1:54 am
Wait….so Hannah Montana is still a thing? Like, she still does stuff? I thought she became like Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan who only exist in the magazines.
October 25th, 2008 at 1:46 am
I love the way you pasted her torso into the Oswald picture so that it doesn’t balance on the legs, and she looks like she’s doing the leaning maneuver from “smooth criminal.” Also, props for using CaMKII (a real enzyme in the brain linked with memory) as a mind control device.
October 25th, 2008 at 12:56 am
i want to vomit!
October 25th, 2008 at 12:44 am
Well people, there’s nothing you can do about his hilarious comments. Maybe it’s time to get a sense of humor.
October 25th, 2008 at 12:29 am
Hanna Montana! Zeig Hail!
But no, seriously, we did to lynch this bitch and burn her at the stake.
(How many people can YOU offend with one post?)
Fuck off, Who Cares.
(…)
I like muffins.
October 24th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Hey everyone, Who Cares is here! Who Cares, everybody, check it out! Hi, Who Cares, wow, oh my God!
October 24th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Oh, and because I like to feel like I’m part of a group, I TOTALLY HATE YOU ANNE! YOUR HORRIBLE! Little girls…. Sheesh.
October 24th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
FINALLY! it took you long enough. choice work. But next time, more straight out dissing. I like it when you yell.
October 24th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
“it’s so hard to find moronic half-literate commentary anywhere else on the net.”
Hahaha oh Anne, you’re so ridiculous! It’s easy to find moronic half-literate commentary all over the net! You’re so silly!
October 24th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
What is this pathetic load of shit I have stumbled upon? O good god, its a full grown man who has the time and wit to make fun of a 15yo girl! Amazing. I wish I was so cool. And here I am spending all my time beating up children and confusing retards…chump shit compared to slandering young girls on the internet. And clearly all these readers share your enthusiasm…hey Anne, your as popular as mc with all this attention! I cant wait to not read all the shitty posts these superstars send after this comment…
October 24th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
HAHAHA this is awesome! Fuck Hannah Montana, and fuck Miley Cyrus.
October 24th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
This was very amusing! I liked the picture of the concert.
October 24th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Funny article. Retarded comments. Is everyone on here part of some gigantic inside joke that isn’t funny? I’m pretty sure I got stupider (more stupid?… see?) from reading just several idiotic posts from these readers.
October 24th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
The generic PC catchphrases, blithely tacked on to the end of each disturbing entry, did me in.
“Stay off drugs!”
“Believe in yourself!”
“Reach for the stars, kids!”
Hee hee hee.
October 24th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
C’mon man dont you have something else to do besides rip a 15 year old human pawn i mean why devote so much attention to child who is already worth like 50 times what you are. you could be doing something much more productive like creating a sequel to this video http://www.break.com/index/unbelievable-mccain-vs-obama-dance-off.html
October 24th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/leaked-excerpts-from-15-year-old-miley-cyrus-memoir/ [...]
October 24th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
DOB is breathing somebody elses air. They want it back!
October 24th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
God damn it, I love you DOB
October 24th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Oh my goodness, hi Anne!
:D 
:D 
:D 
:D 
:D 
:D D: 
:D 
Hi!
October 24th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
I curse you Anne, for giving people with the beginning letters Ann* in their name a bad look.
Off with her Ann!
October 24th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
NO, come on, DOB, the apostrophe doesn’t mean plural.
October 24th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
Hi Anne!!! im pretty sure troy down there wasnt talking about you if he was he probably would’ve said completely non-human, also if you hate cracked.com so much why don’t you JUST SHUT UP ABOUT IT!!!?!!! Annette or Annie or Stupid whore! however the fuck you spell it
October 24th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
I would pay a lot of money to be 13 again. I finished Disney’s dick long ago, then I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
Hi Dan. Love your work.
October 24th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Anne, are you 13? You must be, based on your level of insults and defense of Hannah Monshutthefuckup.
October 24th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Guy’s look, it’s Anne! Hi Anne!
October 24th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
haha ohh that was funny, and terribly terribly mean spirited. Ohhh and really funny.
October 24th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Anne just shut up and finish with disneys dick
October 24th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
And oh yeah, why did I come to Cracked in the first place? ‘Cause it’s funny? No, that can’t be it….wait, I remember. It’s because it’s so hard to find moronic half-literate commentary anywhere else on the net.
October 24th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Uh, Troy, it’s Anne, with an “e”, not Anna.
October 24th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
I bet i know whos behind Anna’s face.. & it is only partially human!
October 24th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Oh man that was so awesome. i love these myley snakebitch things they are the best read. Possibly the greatest book title of all time: Unhinge Your Jaw And Swallow Happiness Whole: The Miley Cyrus Story. Great stuff.
October 24th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
HI ANNE!
October 24th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Anne, you clearly need to re-think why you even came to cracked.com in the first place. DOB, you forgot the chapter where she mentions how Billy Ray is not her dad because she is the spawn of Satan and a… well only Satan knows…
October 24th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Who is behind the face of Anne? I bet it’s some old dude getting ready to bring her a bouquet of flowers masking a shotgun and a black dildo.
October 24th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Hey, look everyone, it’s Anne! Anne’s here, everbody! Hey, it’s Anne!
October 24th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Seriously, are you her publicist or something? If you hate her that much, why not just SHUT UP ABOUT HER?
October 24th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
amen to that hacksaw.
now they’re like in their 40s with kids, doing the crotch-chops. Chris Hansen is probably foaming at the mouth trying to set up a sting.
October 24th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Hmm, I was more of a Mankind kinda gal. Don’t get me wrong, I loved me some “Suck It” hand crossing for every diss that came my way, but yeh, wore off…
October 24th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
I think we can ALL agree we liked Degeneration X
October 24th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Yeah, can the next photoshop contest be HM based? Like…the bitch who plays Hannah Montana’s true form or something?
Also?
Scientists recently discovered that AIDS is essentially disilled Milye Cyrus blood, she personally injected into those gorillas and the rest is horrificallly tragic history.
Also, she built the Large Hadron Collider to open a Gateway to her own universe which is populated by billions more of her kind (serial abortionist Snake Monsters)
We are all doomed
October 24th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Actually, you’re all wrong. My super-duper-secret epilogue is like, a scripture that when said backwards releases the soul of Mephisto.
October 24th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
We need to have Mabism’s brought back.
Hannah Montana is the reason your uncle touched you.
Hannah Montana lives in your dryer and steals your socks.
Hannah Montana mixed the new Metallica album.
Hannah Montana built the Large Hadron Colider.
October 24th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
If you placed all of Hannah Montana’s aborted fetuses end to end, they would wrap around the equator 666 times!
October 24th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Please tell me that someone is entering the Photoshop contest with DOB’s pizza guy role.
October 24th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
You’re all technically right. The Bonus Epilogue is actually just a visual representation of your deepest fears, so it mostly varies from person to person.
Book technology is making some huge advances.
October 24th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Just Mein Kampf. The hardcover, initial version backwards IS the Necronomicon.
October 24th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
I thought it was just 300 pages of “MWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!”
October 24th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
I heard the bonus epilogue in the paperback edition is just segments from the Necronomicon and Mein Kampf.
October 24th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Wow!
It’s true! X-pac heat will kill the hotness of a chick fellating a hot dog…
October 24th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
The Insanity Fair entry cracked me up.
October 24th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
God, Dobby. This is not an acceptable blog post, you hardly wrote anything. You can’t just re-publish what That Bitch Who Plays Hannah Montana wrote and call it blogging. We have another word for that: piracy. And there is nothing cool about being a pirate.
October 24th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
A D-X reference!? DOB, you officially rule!
October 24th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
I never thought I would laugh so much at the phrase “security updates”.
In hindsight, I was a fool.
October 24th, 2008 at 11:46 am
“Memoirs of a Puppy-Aborter”
That should have been the title.
October 24th, 2008 at 11:38 am
RudyRay, I miss you, you beautiful bastard. I bet your cutting all sorts of motherfuckers, these days.
@KylePB- I hope you’re not referring to me with that praise. As stated above, all photoshops, (except the cover of my book) are courtesy of Randall. He’s a hero. Give him money to do photoshops for you.
October 24th, 2008 at 11:22 am
But…this makes it sound likt disney is responsible for Montana’s evil.
This is not the case, in fact, I heard her first words came right after she was born.
She yelled “kill me”, as she knew how dangerous she would become…
October 24th, 2008 at 10:49 am
it’s great to see you taking down that snake monster again, DOB.
after all the shit about the election that’s been on this site, it’s nice to know that there’s still atleast one person in this world that realizes that hanah montana is the real antichrist.
October 24th, 2008 at 10:44 am
eclair, comment threads really bring out the ugliest worst type of person dont they?
October 24th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Oh, DOB. After all that mess on Wall Street and the craziness over the Presidential election, I am so grateful that things are back to the way they belong.
After all, DOB, you completely eviscerating a 15 year old “pop star” is more natural than McCain waving his arms like a madman.
(What was that? A political zinger AND a snub at that bitch who plays Hannah Montana AND a way to compliment my favorite Cracked writer? I think I just may be a genius.)
October 24th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Heyheyhey! Rimbaud was already an accomplished poet at the age of fifteen.
How will you feel if Miley’s autobiography is one day acclaimed as a classic of world literature?
Pretty silly, I should think.
October 24th, 2008 at 10:16 am
great article
October 24th, 2008 at 10:03 am
You’re a master at Photoshop, you know that? That Venom picture was bad ass!
October 24th, 2008 at 10:03 am
You’re a master at Photoshop, you know that? Well done with that Venom picture!
October 24th, 2008 at 9:43 am
“The day Disney called me to tell me I’d landed the part of Hannah Montana was the most important day of my life. ”
The sad thing is, she’ll still be saying this FIFTY YEARS from now.
October 24th, 2008 at 9:36 am
They should have a superhero movie where the bad guys win, like a marvel dc crossover where theres volcanoes everywhere and everythings in ruin and Wonderwoman is in stocks getting dp’d by doc and and blowing lex luthor and lex cums and theres a closeup as she rubs it into her tits to spell “the end?”
October 24th, 2008 at 9:14 am
I would TOTALLY read this book. I like scary stories…
October 24th, 2008 at 9:11 am
Why can’t every day be Friday?
October 24th, 2008 at 9:06 am
Very nice. Once again, DOB, great article.
October 24th, 2008 at 9:05 am
Thank you for this- this is one of the funniest things I have seen on Cracked!
October 24th, 2008 at 8:45 am
Outrageous, my white counterpart. That blog post was a work of art.
October 24th, 2008 at 8:25 am
JCizz, I think you meant nucular. Am I the only one who thinks Hannah-Lee Harvey Monoswaldtana looks strangely attractive?
October 24th, 2008 at 8:13 am
DOB, why don’t you have a picture posing as Venom? It would be so badass
October 24th, 2008 at 7:24 am
TOOK YOU -FOREVER-
When the world ends in a nuclear(haha) holocaust, the only thing left alive will be cockroaches, Hannah Montana, and probably her army of father spawned incest-shock-troopers.
October 24th, 2008 at 7:20 am
That VenoMontana picture is badass!
October 24th, 2008 at 7:13 am
huh…. boobies are (and DX was) are pretty awesome, now that you mention it.