Today I’m going to kick off my blogging year with a new feature in which I demonstrate my advanced age and decrepitude by describing things I’ve only recently come to realize, but which you’ve most likely known a long, long time. It’s… Late to the Party!
Part the First: The Wii is Awesome.
That picture to your right (presented in a wistful sepiatone to convey the feeling of olde timey days) is me gettin’ busy with my new Wii, which Santa was nice enough to give me permission to buy for myself and my ladyfriend after she planted the seed several months ago (by mentioning that “it could help us get in shape”) and promptly forgot about it.
I’m well aware that all you video game types are totally over the Wii, but for someone whose most recently owned video game system prior to this one was an Atari 2600 purchased by my Grammy in 1982, this was a pretty major leap to make. But 25 years seemed like a long enough time to allow for technical improvements, so I took the plunge (productivity be damned), and let me tell you that it was worth the wait. So far I’ve learned that a) my arms don’t know the difference between swinging a Wii remote and swinging a baseball bat, b) I am just as crappy a virtual bowler as I am an actual bowler, but the shoes don’t smell as bad, and c) my girlfriend can beat the crap out of me at boxing (to the point where I actually found myself yelling “I’m trying to punch you in the face! Why can’t I punch you in the face?!” followed by “Stop iiiiiiiiit!”). In any case, I’m just now discovering that it’s awesome, so be kind to your elders and cut me a break.
Part the Second: Rihanna is a Hottie.
While visiting my ladyfriend’s parents on New Years, I happened to see the video for a song called “Umbrella” for the first time. It’s by a singer named Rihanna, who spends the entire video strutting around in fishnets being splashed with water and naked covered in silver paint, and for all I know it’s been all the rage for the past five years while I was living alone in a cave teaching myself to juggle balls of mud. (I also think I read somewhere that the song was originally offered to Britney Spears, but I for one am glad she declined it, since I would just be spending the whole video thinking about how bad all that water would be for her toe fungus.)
But in any case, while the song is inarguably catchy, let me state now for the record that I concur with the 98% of men and lesbians worldwide who strongly believe that this Rihanna lady could melt the paint off Satan’s furnace. It is a scientific fact that an ordinary man accidentally seeing Rihanna in person would literally have his genitals burned completely off. So exercise caution if you believe she may be in your vicinity. But speaking of exercising caution…
Part the Third: It Is Possible to Be Eaten by Wild Animals at the Zoo.
Who knew, right? All those times I was dragged off to the zoo to stare at sleeping lemurs as a child, I was actually entering a terrifying death trap. The most interesting thing that happened while I was there was when the giraffe took a really enormous crap.
This entry was posted on Thursday, January 3rd, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under Animals, Contains Pictures That Make Me Want To . . ., Death, Music, Rihanna, Video Games, Wii. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 10th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Can I post this on my twitter?
August 14th, 2009 at 5:53 am
Umbrella is by All Time Low
Rihanna just re-did it
August 12th, 2009 at 1:49 am
Do you know any more about that? I’td be cool to have more details
April 11th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
i love this song with the joe bros!
June 26th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
I beg to differ she’s fine fine fine…..and I hope she wins an award doesn’t matter the category I just want to see her..
June 25th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
So I’m gonna be following that comment(well said by the way!…………) with the fact that rihanna is trying to promote umbrellas by not using one when getting attactked by large volumes of water. Hot, Arousing…Retarded!
February 26th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Don’t believe one optimistic word from any public figure about the economy or humanity in general. They are all part of the problem. Its like a game of Monopoly. In America, the richest 1% now hold 1/2 OF ALL UNITED STATES WEALTH. Unlike ‘lesser’ estimates, this includes all stocks, bonds, cash, and material assets held by America’s richest 1%. Even that filthy pig Oprah acknowledged that it was at about 50% in 2006. Naturally, she put her own ‘humanitarian’ spin on it. Calling attention to her own ‘good will’. WHAT A DISGUSTING HYPOCRITE SLOB. THE RICHEST 1% HAVE LITERALLY MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. Don’t fall for all of their ‘humanitarian’ CRAP. ITS A SHAM. THESE PEOPLE ARE CAUSING THE SAME PROBLEMS THEY PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT. Ask any professor of economics. Money does not grow on trees. The government can’t just print up more on a whim. At any given time, there is a relative limit to the wealth within ANY economy of ANY size. So when too much wealth accumulates at the top, the middle class slip further into debt and the lower class further into poverty. A similar rule applies worldwide. The world’s richest 1% now own over 40% of ALL WORLD WEALTH. This is EVEN AFTER you account for all of this ‘good will’ ‘humanitarian’ BS from celebrities and executives. ITS A SHAM. As they get richer and richer, less wealth is left circulating beneath them. This is the single greatest underlying cause for the current US recession. The middle class can no longer afford to sustain their share of the economy. Their wealth has been gradually transfered to the richest 1%. One way or another, we suffer because of their incredible greed. We are talking about TRILLIONS of dollars. Transfered FROM US TO THEM. Over a period of about 27 years. Thats Reaganomics for you. The wealth does not ‘trickle down’ as we were told it would. It just accumulates at the top. Shrinking the middle class and expanding the lower class. Causing a domino effect of socio-economic problems. But the rich will never stop. They will never settle for a reasonable share of ANYTHING. They will do whatever it takes to get even richer. Leaving even less of the pie for the other 99% of us to share. At the same time, they throw back a few tax deductable crumbs and call themselves ‘humanitarians’. IT CAN’T WORK THIS WAY. This is going to end just like a game of Monopoly. The current US recession will drag on for years and lead into the worst US depression of all time. The richest 1% will live like royalty while the rest of us fight over jobs, food, and gasoline. Crime, poverty, and suicide will skyrocket. So don’t fall for all of this PR CRAP from Hollywood, Pro Sports, and Wall Street PIGS. ITS A SHAM. Remember: They are filthy rich EVEN AFTER their tax deductable contributions. Greedy pigs. Now, we are headed for the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time. SEND A “THANK YOU” NOTE TO YOUR FAVORITE MILLIONAIRE. ITS THEIR FAULT. I’m not discounting other factors like China, sub-prime, or gas prices. But all of those factors combined still pale in comparison to that HUGE transfer of wealth to the rich. Anyway, those other factors are all related and further aggrivated because of GREED. If it weren’t for the OBSCENE distribution of wealth within our country, there never would have been such a market for sub-prime to begin with. Which by the way, was another trick whipped up by greedy bankers and executives. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. The credit industry has been ENDORSED by people like Oprah, Ellen, Dr Phil, and many other celebrities. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. So don’t fall for their ‘humanitarian’ BS. ITS A SHAM. NOTHING BUT TAX DEDUCTABLE PR CRAP. Bottom line: The richest 1% will soon tank the largest economy in the world. It will be like nothing we’ve ever seen before. and thats just the beginning. Greed will eventually tank every major economy in the world. Causing millions to suffer and die. Oprah, Angelina, Brad, Bono, and Bill are not part of the solution. They are part of the problem. EXTREME WEALTH HAS MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. WITHOUT WORLD PROSPERITY, THERE WILL NEVER BE WORLD PEACE OR ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE. GREED KILLS. IT WILL BE OUR DOWNFALL. Of course, the rich will throw a fit and call me a madman. Of course, their ignorant fans will do the same. You have to expect that. But I speak the truth. If you don’t believe me, then copy this entry and run it by any professor of economics or socio-economics. Then tell a friend. Call the local radio station. Re-post this entry or put it in your own words. Be one of the first to predict the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time and explain its cause. WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.
January 26th, 2008 at 12:22 am
how come nobody commented on how suggestive the wii photo is? granted, it would be quite complimentary to the subject, but still…
January 3rd, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Now if only we could somehow combine the Wii, Rhianna and tiger attacks into one. Then my life would be complete.
I’m picturing a Wii game in which Rhiannah is an ex-marine forced to infiltrate a zoo in which the tigers have taken control, wearing fishnets for some reason.
(Rhiannah would be wearing the fishnets obviously, not the tigers).
January 3rd, 2008 at 2:39 pm
My oldest son and I had a rhinoceros piss on us at the zoo once. Smelled like cat piss on steroids and 10 week old coffee with 20 cigarette butts in it.
The picture of you and your WII “controller ” is priceless.
January 3rd, 2008 at 10:52 am
I only know Rianna because in another of her videos, in which she wears gold body glitter and a bikini and then rolls on the floor of a strip club wearing fishnets, almost caused me to fall backwards off an exercise bike at the gym.
January 3rd, 2008 at 10:46 am
The fact that the incidents occurred at ‘public feedings’ kind of makes me suspicious of the zoo keepers.
January 3rd, 2008 at 9:00 am
I only know who she is bc I read starpulse. And I only read starpulse bc I blog. Oh, blogging you keep me young.
January 3rd, 2008 at 8:55 am
I haven’t even heard that Umbrella song. Does that make me clinically dead?