Fuck T.I. and P. Diddy. Here I was deciding who's coolest based on what kind of weapon they used, totally forgetting the three cardinal rules of public altercations: location, location, location. Anyone can gun down a rival gang member on a street corner in a ghetto. Anyone can punch someone in the face at a club. But it takes a special kind of badass to pick a fight in a waffle house.
Think about it: a waffle house is a place of contentment and peace, where one goes to be filled with thick, sweet syrup and dense batter. This is not a place for violence. Only a truly cool individual, dedicated to the art of public fistfighting, could wild out in such an establishment. A truly cool individual like Kid Rock, self-proclaimed Rock and Roll Jesus.
Mr. Rock is no stranger to the old ultra-violence, having punched a DJ in the face at a strip club in Nashville and getting into a scuffle with Tommy Lee at the VMA’s. But with this waffle house brawl, he seems to have taken it to the level of a true visionary, actually predicting the fight beforehand during an interview with CNN. Now we know the truth: these fights are not merely the spontaneous expressions of a man with poor impulse control, they are the masterworks of an artist who works exclusively in the medium of fight.
My hat is off to you Kid Rock, coolest of the cool. Maybe if the real Jesus had had some of your vision and foresight, he wouldn’t be regarded as such a pussy nowadays. Oh, by the way, not to call you out or anything, but in your new song “So Hott,” you misspelled the word “hot.” I wouldn’t bring it up except that it kind of makes you sound like a retarded hick, so you might want to fix it before the album gets released.