Although he’s better known now for his role in various minor assaults, Kiefer Sutherland has actually had a pretty varied career. A breakout star in the 1980s, he starred in a wide selection of popular films of the era, including Stand By Me, The Lost Boys and Young Guns. He then disappeared for most of the 90s before resurfacing in 2001 to take the role of torture-enthusiast Jack Bauer on 24. Until now, no one’s ever asked what he was doing during those missing years, possibly because it’s a story the mainstream media doesn’t have the stones to tackle.
Of course I don’t have the stones either, but after borrowing one from Swaim (who has three) I felt suitably equipped to dig up the truth behind Kiefer’s missing years. It turns out that during this period, with his acting career struggling, Kiefer changed gears somewhat to help pay the bills: he was speaking at corporate events. With the help of a little Asian kid who’s good with computers, I managed to get a copy of one of his old presentations. I present it here for both your benefit, and for posterity’s.
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This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 12th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Kiefer Sutherland. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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August 20th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
[...] Kiefer Sutherland’s Conflict Resolution Seminar (PowerPoint) | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/blog/kiefer-sutherlands-conflict-resolution-seminar – view page – cached Although he’s better known now for his role in various minor assaults, Kiefer Sutherland has actually had a pretty varied career. A breakout star in the 1980s, he starred in a wide selection of pop… — From the page [...]
July 25th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Hilarious, great stuff
Lmao at the nunchuks slide! “super hard to use”, “fuck up someone’s monitor”
July 15th, 2009 at 6:38 am
[...] the whole presentation on Cracked.com. Wednesday Jul 15 09 10:32 AM Category: Around the Web | Tags: Around the Web, Cracked.com, [...]
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:28 am
I can’t seem to get your RSS feed to work with my program. Do you mind telling me the url so I can read your posts on my own program?
June 16th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
shitneck.?
May 21st, 2009 at 6:14 pm
The first and largest mingle site for Cougars and men.
== http://SugarMommyMatch.Com/ ==
Thousands of single members with real pictures are here waiting for you. Search for what you want, find more than you dreamed! Whether romantic or flirtation.
May 20th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
I love Kiefer…so badass.
May 20th, 2009 at 9:46 am
This was hilarious. I liked ‘Punch a grocery bagger in the mouth’, and the ‘not often used’ but ‘brilliantly effective what-the-fuckerry’ of ‘dinklips’ and ’shitneck’. Good stuff. Throughly enjoyed it.
May 19th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Write your own shit… Brown-Noser! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=25&sku=E-CD00422
May 18th, 2009 at 8:24 am
Do you do all your own writing? Or do you outsource some of it? I’m looking for some similar content for my blog! These are great posts!
May 17th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Hey dad, come an see this comment I wrote saying all of the stuff on cracked is shit, see what other people have said and in turn what I have said, also please bring me 4 pairs of socks!!!!!, dad…….. why do you have your gun………….. please I have so much more trolling to do……………BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG.
May 17th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Son its time to get a job and try and find yourself a nice woman. You are 43 years of age and need to stop masterbating into a sock everytime someone comments on you on the interweb thingy. Honestly boy I wish I was killed in Nam rather than have had you and seen the fruit of my loins amount to a pile of useless shit hovering over a computer screen cackling at reactions he has gotten from normal people. In fact fuck it boy you stay where you are I`m gonna get my old M16 and we can have a real talk………
May 16th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
[...] Δείτε το PowerPoint που θα σας βοηθήσει να λύνετε τις διαφορές σας (δια [...]
May 15th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Hey, this is really funny video, like I met single Russians on getSexxxnow.org
May 15th, 2009 at 8:05 am
So funny… whooops! puked myself lauhging!!!
May 14th, 2009 at 5:00 am
== http://SugarMommyMatch.Com/ == The first and largest mingle site for Mature women and men.Thousands of single members with real pictures are here waiting for you. Search for what you want, find more than you dreamed! Whether romantic or flirtation.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
U got it Sherlock!
Your Foster Parents must be so proud.
May 13th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
So is it called the “comments section” because people often comment on Doctorchaos here?
May 13th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
[...] .this is some of the funniest shit I’ve read in a while and had me laughing like hell at the “knife under the table” part. [...]
May 13th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Because he sucks cock… his Step-Father taught him! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=7&sku=ENGL-CD00306
May 13th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
I had to do a presentation for business class today, and I shit you not, I used this. I know I failed the class anyway, so I went out with a bang. Best five to ten minutes of my semester.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Surprising! Another article that completely blows…
May 13th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Those two below me are going to gain a ton of weight today….
With lead.
May 13th, 2009 at 7:46 am
WOW….I just read this on a hot forum on tall dating site http://Tallloving.com which is a hot dating site for all tall friends and tall singles.
May 13th, 2009 at 7:08 am
Recently I found a hot club
– Seekingtall.com –
Just for hot tall gals and guys to find their cupid. Come on, tall singles. Don’t miss your lover.
May 13th, 2009 at 4:30 am
put a smile on my face, now where did I put those nunchucks?
May 13th, 2009 at 3:27 am
Threaten to eat his skin. = WIN
May 12th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
haha the assertiveness slide and the whole “knife tapped under the table” made me lol
May 12th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Me and Jack have worked a couple of ops together. Too bad I save the American People their Tax Dollars by putting a couple of his suspects 6 feet under.
May 12th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
oh so very!
May 12th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Am I close?
May 12th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Couldn’t be bothered to read it, but you can bother to comment. I think I know what that smell is…
May 12th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
He who smelt it dealt it! …oh yeah, that was me.
May 12th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Does anybody else notice that smell in here
May 12th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
LOL just tryin to keep up. It aint easy being cheesy!
May 12th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
OUCH! Zingaa! Nice one Buddy! LOL!
May 12th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
For some reason I read that as “Threaten to eat his cat”.
May 12th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
It gets better as it goes. The “Examine This Picture” –> “How Many Weapons Did You See?” sequence is fucking hilarious.
May 12th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
@Demmagog: What GIFs? Every image on the page is a JPEG.
May 12th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
In that last picture, who is beating up who?
May 12th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
I’m often not that into these .gif-heavy concept posts, but this one was damn funny
May 12th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Couldnt be bothered to read this…..im assuming it was “alright”.
May 12th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Thank-you, Cracked.
Thank-you…
May 12th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Oh, and here’s the picture I promised you from the last trailer park get together we had. Remember Cletus was pitchin and you were catchin.
http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=29&sku=E-CD00250
May 12th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
HAHA! You should know, you and your mom are my biggest customers.
May 12th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Delicious.
May 12th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Throwing people to the ground is a much more effective negotiation technique if there are knives under them.
May 12th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
May 12th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
He shows slides of it on the side of his trailer every Saturday night.
May 12th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
I thought it was very funny. Allot of the comments are funny as well. Some of the comments suck balls though, you know who you are. BTW, you got some pubes in your teeth, yeah right there. …nope, still there.
May 12th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Anyone else notice how the comments on this annonymous format are significantly worse, much more “loud” and far more offensive than the official account comments.
I leave comments on the other type as well and don’t get half the responses I do here. I guess retards are too lazy to actualyly sign up and follow me to other pages.
That’s all goo though, Trolls need lazy mouth breathing fucktards to keep them fed. Keep it up munchkins.
May 12th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Sir, you are not funny enough to write an unfunny piece such as this. If you were Michael Swaim, I would feel let down, and leave a comment about how overrated Michael Swaim is, and then go and read something by you and wonder why you aren’t more popular. But now…now I don’t know what to think.
May 12th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Also, cocks.
May 12th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Sigh why can’t you beaners just go home and leave our country. God Damn Wetbacks and their stupid maryatchy muzak and dirty spic language!
May 12th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Fuck you and fuck everybody. I’d cut that fucking Puto Jack Bauer’s face. Come out to East LA bitch we show you how it’s done in the hood white boy. MS-13 Bitch!
May 12th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
XOXO! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=5&sku=ENGL-CD00292
May 12th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
awesome. just awesome chris.
May 12th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Fuck you Tim! If I want it to say “cat” in my mind then it will say “cat” in my mind! Bucholez fucked up is all I can say. Why does this article remind me of one of those Quixtar, Scamway, Yor Health Meetings?
May 12th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Fuck Allstate man! I have a term life policy with Modern Woodman now! Allstate? More like AllSnake Bitch!
May 12th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
God, are you retards even smart enough to go back and check? it says EAT your skin, not CAT your skin. fuckers.
May 12th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Fuck Dr. Chaos. He always has shit on his dick from fucking his retarded brother in the asshole! It’s the only way he can follow his Atkins diet by having sausage all day!
May 12th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Cat your skin? I thought it was funnier to me when I read it as “threaten to Eat their skin”
May 12th, 2009 at 11:59 am
I thought it said “eat your skin”.
May 12th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Well, thank you Dr.Awesome (if that’s your real name) of.
May 12th, 2009 at 11:40 am
“is” isn’t a preposition. it’s verb. you can end sentences left and right with that noise.
May 12th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Alright, i have to say I enjoy having Doctor Chaos around because he gets people going so much that they tend to post some funny ass shit.
Keep up the good work everyone.
May 12th, 2009 at 11:18 am
@hulk67851, the joke is that it’d be a response to someone saying you’d drunk too much. So, it’s Keifer’s intent to say, “skin your cat,” and it coming out “cat your skin.”
The humor is completely gone now. I regret explaining that.
May 12th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Hey c’mon zim, the typo on the sixth slide is classic. How many times have you sat through a “slick” looking PP only to see a dipshit lazy typo like that: makes you forget the rest of the slides as you imagine what a dork the presenter is… (ya ya I know, a preposition at the end - f@ck u)
May 12th, 2009 at 11:17 am
Pretty nice but i am funny, 12544341866 ask for luis
May 12th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Well done, never more than 5 bullet points per slide is a good Powerpoint rule.
May 12th, 2009 at 10:33 am
sorry, i had to stop reading after “parked TO close to you” (the 6th card)… the intro was great though…
May 12th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Guess what? I killed your beloved Fuhrer, Hitler Was Our Hero. Because I’m KIEFER FUCKING SUTHERLAND, bitch. I axe-kicked him in the head, curb-stomped his ass till he begged for mercy, then shot him in the face at point-blank range while quipping, “Should’ve stuck with being an artist.” Third Reich? More like TURD Reich.
May 12th, 2009 at 10:03 am
@ the guy who somehow mistook this article for something that had anything to do with race,
you’re gonna be awfully pissed when you realize there’s an actaul real world where a black guy is president. It’s not just tv anymore.
May 12th, 2009 at 9:58 am
LOL it was a joke, holy crap, calm down and take a midol blemm, I did say he was a retard… it was called Build-up.
May 12th, 2009 at 9:57 am
I prefer honey nut cheerios.
May 12th, 2009 at 9:57 am
bashing two heads together:
-It’s awesome
LMFAO!!!!
May 12th, 2009 at 9:54 am
You know, Hitler Was Our Hero’s post made me so sad about all the bigotry in the world.
It also made me hungry for swastika-shaped pasta, for some reason.
May 12th, 2009 at 9:52 am
the whole keiffer background was sort of pointless to the rest of the article, but that didn’t make it any less sweet, especially the parking situation. he just couldn’t let it go.
May 12th, 2009 at 9:40 am
Fackin Awesome!
May 12th, 2009 at 9:38 am
卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐 FUCK KIKES!!! 卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐
AND FUCK NIGGER SYMPATHIZERS LIKE KIEFER SUTHERLAND HAVING A NIGGER AS A PRESIDENT IN HIS PUSSY SHOW!!!
FUCK ALLSTATE TOO!
May 12th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Fisto McPuppypuncher: “I noticed that everyone is picking on Doctorchaos, he has the right to his opionion and has the freedom to express it”
Yeah, just like everyone else has the freedom to express their opinion of his opinion and how he is such a huge dong-fondler. Freedom of expression is a two way street, you free-lovin’ hippy cock-waffle. Sounds like you need to reread this PowerPoint Presentation to understand how conflict resolution works.
May 12th, 2009 at 9:20 am
“Cat his skin”!? How do you cat someone’s skin!?
May 12th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Sweet! One of the best articles in a long time!
May 12th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Glorious.
May 12th, 2009 at 9:12 am
I noticed that everyone is picking on Doctorchaos, he has the right to his opionion and has the freedom to express it, that is what this is meant for, so having people jump down his throat for his opinion, albeit quite obtuse, is not fair and uncalled for. I do not agree with anything he says but I also don’t agree to anyone attacking this poor boy, it’s not nice to pick on retards!
May 12th, 2009 at 9:03 am
EVERY SINGLE TIME ONE OF YOU POSTS SOMETHING ABOUT HOW HIS POSTS EITHER DON’T MATTER… OR TO IGNORE HIM.
Bad attention sometimes is enough for one that has gotten none (obviously) her whole life.
So folks… smarten the hell up!
May 12th, 2009 at 9:01 am
Meh. I liked the “Examine this room”’s slides though.
May 12th, 2009 at 8:58 am
*attempts at humour
May 12th, 2009 at 8:57 am
Has anyone else noticed that the article this is linked to says the fashion designer (male(ish)) ’stepped between Sutherland and another woman’? I guess that means that smacking a fashion designer automatically removes testes?
May 12th, 2009 at 8:57 am
i for one like this and even if i didnt i would give constructive critisism rather than an overly long comment with attempts which all seem to revolve around colons, but i wont cos im like dr chaos but not a dick
May 12th, 2009 at 8:57 am
Agreed about DoctorChaos. Amazingly, he still seems to think that people care about his input.
I pity the little guy. Probably is living off the government, too fat to leave the room just to do his laundry/grab more twinkies. Probably missed out on High School because he was made fun of for being a tool, and is trying to make up for it on Cracked, where he makes his long comments and imagines all the people that will read that comment and say, “Wow, what an intelligent and handsome man he must be.”
But it fails. And he fails. Everytime.
May 12th, 2009 at 8:56 am
WOW. so cool guy,does he still hook up with those tall beauties on the tall dating site http://Tallloving.com ???The last time I saw his profile is last monday, hope he does not leave.
May 12th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Also, DoctorChaos’ main argument seems to be that he doesn’t like the font used. Please ignore him.
May 12th, 2009 at 8:51 am
This was absolutely fantastic.
I dunno what happened to you, Bucholz. You went from ‘Oh, yeah. That guy’s kinda funny. I guess I’ll read what wrote’ to slowly approaching ‘HOLY SHIT BUCHOLZ POSTED ANOTHER ARTICLE!!’. Please continue on this path.
May 12th, 2009 at 8:38 am
Try this.
Mouth what you would’ve said if you gave the seminar using the slides.
Why?
Why not?
May 12th, 2009 at 8:36 am
I think DoctorChaos has a crush on Bucholz.
May 12th, 2009 at 8:16 am
Is that the Gaylord’s conference room? I recognize the “flaming G” symbol……
OK, and “the Gaylord” is a real place. Actually, several real places. I swear.
May 12th, 2009 at 8:15 am
That was good times, Bucholz. Good times.
May 12th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Doctorchaos - I love you lady! XOXO! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=29&sku=E-CD00283
May 12th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Doctorchaos, does the collective audience of Cracked have to take a break from gang-banging your mother to come over there and bitch-slap you? Clearly your mother never taught you that if you don’t enjoy something that you’re doing of your own volition you can stop. For instance, if you don’t like reading these articles, you don’t have to read them. You can resume masturbating to pictures of little Asian boys instead. Similarly, if your mother didn’t enjoy getting reamed by multiple people at once, she could stop…but that’s not going to happen.
May 12th, 2009 at 7:32 am
Ha. I don’t care how many Fashion Designers he beats up, I’ll always be in love with Kiefer Sutherland.
Also, “There was a knife taped under the table” made this go from really funny to hilarious.
May 12th, 2009 at 7:28 am
People who say this sucks have never had to sit through a PowerPoint presentation in a real job, ever. It’s much funnier once you do.
May 12th, 2009 at 7:16 am
Doctorchaos:
Are you hoping your long drawn out comments on every article will be recognized as good writing by a Cracked editor, and they offer you a job and opportunity to outdo all of the current staff?
Also, “none the less” is one word
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/nonetheless
May 12th, 2009 at 7:15 am
One of the more funnier articles, was laughing all the way through!
May 12th, 2009 at 7:11 am
I didn’t know beating up fashion designers was considered badass.
I take it you’d consider anyone who could put Prince in hospital to be a fucking warrior.
May 12th, 2009 at 7:06 am
Wow…That was so awesome. I always love Cracked, but it’s rare for an article to elicit genuine belly laughter so consistently.
May 12th, 2009 at 7:03 am
Meh… One of your less funny articles…
May 12th, 2009 at 6:45 am
The KFC thing was good, we can all relate to the KFC thing, it’s a real life situation we have all encountered and it knows no boundries or borders. KFC has fucking lousy service whatever country you’re in or whatever langauge you speak. The KFC article was very “Seinfeld” and Seinfeld is a master of comedy, a master of comedy with a strange phobia of German Sheppards and communal showers, but a master of comedy none the less.
This however was not good. This is so far away from good it’s come right back around behind and is now vigourosly sodomising good. And poor old good is still wondering how massive fast food based applause has just turned into a serious bowel obstruction. This article is the Christopher Columbus of bad ideas.
This article is weak, very weak, and extremely badly presented. Im sure it’s not just my monitor that displays that font you chose as slightly patchy and thin, like a middle aged man’s hair. Why not just doctor up the “slides” using some sort of photoshop tool so they look like power point slides but clearer, or hey, better yet, make it a flash show and we get to click the next slide as we go with little basic animations demonstrating the point, like two heads being smashed together. Nah, that would be clever and take effort, which is apparently against the golden rule of Cracked. Which I believe is as follows:
No. 1. Thou shalt submit whatever thy like, and it shall be deemed worthy, for the standards are low here, and we do not really give a shit what ends up being published.
May 12th, 2009 at 6:25 am
Oddly, I have to give a talk on conflict resolution later this week. I’m definitely using this instead of wasting valuable websurfing time makeing up my own shit. Thanks, Cracked!
May 12th, 2009 at 5:34 am
bucholz tuesday
great article
May 12th, 2009 at 5:30 am
5th lol, oh and awsomeness!
May 12th, 2009 at 5:29 am
I swear to God I would have paid attention to that seminar…and btw there has to be more weapons in that room you didnt list “thekeif”!
May 12th, 2009 at 5:23 am
Awesome!
May 12th, 2009 at 4:56 am
hey, its not 5AM . . . its 2PM . . . .
probs coz im english n shit
May 12th, 2009 at 4:55 am
man i suck
LOL this article was funny XD
May 12th, 2009 at 4:54 am
third actually
May 12th, 2009 at 4:54 am
FIRST <— probably like 5th by now though . . . .
May 12th, 2009 at 4:50 am
It’s funny because it’s true.
May 12th, 2009 at 4:45 am
“Knife taped under the table”… Nice!
Oh, and first or whatever.