A Little Boy Who Can Kick Your Ass and A Full-Grown Man In A Really Expensive Skirt: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
Awesome Video Of The DayShao Lin Xiao Zi (Translation: Little Boy What Punches Yer Face In)
When I was 7 years old I used to do moves like this all the time. The only difference was that I was doing them in a carpeted living room in Skokie, Illinois instead of in front of an epic mountain range at a Shaolin temple in China. Oh - and it looked like absolute garbage. Maybe that's because I had no formal training whatsoever and a completely sedentary lifestyle.
I'm not a kid anymore, but I'd bet you dollars to dojos that this kid could fight his way from one US coast to the other and annihilate pretty much anyone he encountered. Dude can do the splits and bang his head on the ground and all kinds of crazy crap; do you really think he's gonna have a problem mowing through a couple hundred thousand pasty, flabby Americans? We'll be all "Awww, look at him meditating in his little pajamas." Then his eyes will open and he'll be all "AIEEEEE!" and that will be the last thing you ever see. We need to keep this kid off of American soil. Seriously.
And you wonder why China is the next global superpower. Even their CHILDREN can murder you.
With Winter just around the corner, it's time to make preparations for the cold months ahead. You're going to want to load up on batteries and canned food and have an emergency plan for your family and all that, but more importantly, you'd better figure out what you're going to wear. Navigating the gauntlet that is Men's Fashion can be scary, but don't worry: I've done all the homework for you, and this week on the Cracked Blog I'll be bringing you my five top picks for the season.
The Cracked Guide To Men's Winter FashionLabel: Jean Paul GaultierMaterials: Leather, Cotton, Shame
Message It Sends To The World: "Claudio have... how you say... many side to him. Many side to Claudio, yes?"
Features
1 To your dinger.
I never really minded Nick's extensive writings. When any commentary is invited, you're going to get a few know-it-alls correcting the eggheads. Just roll with it.
ReplyMy hat goes off to the Cracked legend that is Nick.
I am so piss-myself happy that I finally found this post. Once upon a time, in a land not much changed from this, I stumbled upon a truly fine posting about what a raging ass tool this fine gentleman we refer to as "Nick" truly is.
ReplyHis delirious Mountain Dew fueled ramblings have not only lived up to my expectations but have also single handedly destroyed my personal definition of what an 'egotistical nerd terd' truly is. Bravo. Bravo.
I applaud your ridiculous (albeight pointless) existence on this planet.
I’d prefer reading in my native language, because my knowledge of your languange is no so well. But it was interesting! Look for some my links:
ReplyNick... part of martial arts is learning discipline and internal calm in order to master yourself. If you're getting incensed over a faceless entity on the internet who doubts that a Shaolin child could take on anyone in America, then you probably need to work on the internal side more and work on the exterior another day.
ReplyTurk Fowler, too late! Since you were the first one to bring it up, now you have to go and check on the status of Nick's balls! This whole post was really a setup to trap you into this duty, and you FELL FOR IT! HA!
I think "little asian baby balls" is a funny line and should be appreciated....I think nick may also have them but I refuse to be the one who has to verify that....
ReplyYou say you're not coming back, but I bet you will just to see if I post anything, so I leave this message for you, Choocher:
Reply1.) I'm glad you finally figured out that you shouldn't post about a subject you don't know enough about to speak intelligently.
2.) I love your assumptions about my skills though you've never seen me. That's worse than your assessment of the kids in the video. There's no "trying to." I do break boards with my head. As far as kicking goes, I can kick anyone 7' tall or less in the head with any type of kick from a standing position and I can front jump kick to almost 9" feet.
You are also incorrect on a number of points with "kiyaaah." I'll leave it at that since you don't care to learn the "trivia" as you call it, even though that "trivia" it is an important part of martial arts.
3.) I do have a sense of humor. I think your stupidity is hilarious, but not your insults based on a subject you don't know enough about to assess properly. (i.e. Your comment on banging their crotch on the ground and "little asian baby balls" wasn't funny because that's not what really happened and it's easy to see that it didn't happen.)
I still wonder though... Are you the type of guy that plays Guitar Hero and thinks it means he can really play guitar?
Word, Shooey. At least I'm on the job, making money while I post. Nick's in his mom's basement, running to check this page, then running back to the heavy bag with "Choocher" misspelled on it, doing spinning backhands to it, since he can't quite get that chubby leg above the waist, shouting "Kiyaaaah! You know nothing about martial arts, Choocher! Nothing! How dare you comment!" This is the last time I'll ever come to this page, so I'll never read Nick's stupid, Karate-trivia-filled, poorly spelled, 'obvious you know nothing' reply. So he'll have the last word in cyberspace, and I'll have it in reality. Nick, I'll never again post a comment about something I'm not an unqualified master at, especially something as complex as who can kick who's ass, not even at being a 'brain sergeon'. You, in return, might want to stop trying to break boards with your head, learn how to spell, and develop a sense of humor. Putz.
Replyp.s. No 'e' in 'arguing', Shooey. Couldn't help myself.
Word, Shooey. At least I'm on the job, making money while I post. Nick's in his mom's basement, running to check this page, then running back to the heavy bag with "Choocher" misspelled on it, doing spinning backhands to it, since he can't quite get that chubby leg above the waist, shouting "Kiyaaaah! You know nothing about martial arts, Choocher! Nothing! How dare you comment!" This is the last time I'll ever come to this page, so I'll never read Nick's stupid, Karate-trivia-filled, poorly spelled, 'obvious you know nothing' reply. So he'll have the last word in cyberspace, and I'll have it in reality. Nick, I'll never again post a comment about something I'm not an unqualified master at, especially something as complex as who can kick who's ass, not even at being a 'brain sergeon'. You, in return, might want to stop trying to break boards with your head, learn how to spell, and develop a sense of humor. Putz.
ReplyWow, nick and choocher. Heres a small little... something something for you. Shut your mouths, and get some lives. You cant have lives if your jsut sitting at your computer argueing, especially with how long your lil stories are for each post.
ReplyIs Choocher trying to say Ken Shamrock (I know he's retired but work with me) or Randy Couture go around on the street challenging people to fights and ripping out their shoulders/dislocating and tearing muscles like they've trained to do for so long?
ReplyOf course not, those guys may be tough but they aren't undisciplined. There's still a culture of discipline in MMA.
What's the difference in me being into martial arts and actively participating and you sitting at home on your couch watching Spike TV? You seem to be just as into it as I am, but I'm the one actually participating. It's like we're both fans of rock music and you're playing Guitar Hero and I'm actually learning to play on a real guitar. No matter how much you play, you can't play a real guitar. No matter how much you watch, you can't become an expert without actually going out and doing it.
Reply"Wasting your life?" It's not like I'm an instructor and I opened my own dojo (even if I was I wouldn't consider it "wasting my life.") I do it a few days a week now (though while I was still in college I was doing it a lot more). But, I have trained in juijutsu and judo which includes your so necessitized "ground game." Though, in case you were unaware, there are more competitions other than MMA and UFC that don't require a "ground game." i.e. They find out who's the best at karate or judo or sword... whatever.
"Avoiding the formalized bullshit:" WTF do you think "Gracie Juijutsu" is? It's a formalized form. He created it, but would you fault someone else for learning it just because it's formalized now? Most of those guys started with a formalized form at some time and adapted it to better suit the fighting styles they go up against in the UFC and/or MMA.
As far as giving you information about things like the hachimaki, it was only because you make statements like "with one of those sashes tied around his head" and refering to a kata as a "routine" like it's a dance and putting a negative spin on it. And, it started with the "little asian baby balls" remark. It would have been funnier and I would have recognized it as a joke had you said something more like this: "I could do that move. It's easy, but I'm just so big that when I do the splits niether of my legs can touch the ground." You've been wrong about 95% of what you've said about martial arts so far. I've been telling you where you've been wrong in an attempt to show you that you really have no idea what you're talking about.
In any case, you can laugh at me all you want because while I'm actually participating and understanding what martial arts is really all about, you're just sitting at home watching your TV wishing you could be as good as them. I'm not as good as those guys on TV. Not even close, but at least I'm actually learning. I do wonder now though... do you play Guitar Hero?
Oh my god, Nick. I get it. You think only people who are deeply versed in your hobby are allowed to make remarks. I don't give a rat's ass, Nick. My original post was in the spirit of crude humor, since this is Cracked, not a "Past adolescence and still way too into Martial Arts" forum. No one's asking for your info and insights. Do I have a right to comment on martial arts, even though I know "way to little"? Yeah. Do I have to take a thousand jabs to the face to know Roy Jones Jr. is a better fighter than Jeff Lacy? No. You don't have to be a "brain sergeon" to see all the guys in MMA competitions avoiding the formalized bullshit you've wasted your life on, and adopting techniques that include a ground game. I'm sorry if this took you away from Black Belt Magazine for too long. But please refrain from the tiresome Karate trivia. I'd like to laugh with you now, not at you.
ReplyJust another quick FYI.... the "routines" are called "kata." They depict battles against multiple enemies and are really gruesome if you understand what the moves are actually indended to be doing.
ReplyKama (sickle weapon) is used to cut open the abdomen in a way that the entrails fall out, cutting in from the back to slice open the kidneys, rip the collar bone out, cut the head off, and/or cut open the neck. Sword style weapons are used in the same way. Spear and naginata are used to slice appart and impale. And, good old fashined hand-to-hand teaches to break bones, choke, and otherwise turn your opponant into a bloody pulp.
Do you really think that's all martial arts is about? "Learning to be tough?" You're only showing more and more about how little you really know about martial arts. Self-discipline, self-respect, focus, concentration, strength, and perseverance are all part of the lessons learned on top of other cultural understanding. Even a common yell "Osu" can be translated to mean "I will persevere." Putting a negative spin on the hachimaki is even funnier.
ReplyAnd, just FYI, one of those "sashes" tied around your head is called a hachimaki. A sash is worn around the chest, like police officers wear while directing traffic.
From wikipedia, "A hachimaki is a stylized headband (bandana) in the Japanese culture, usually made of red or white cloth, worn as a symbol of perseverance or effort by the wearer."
Black belts would wear the white because most people that recieve a blackbelt have realized they still have a lot to learn. White being the first belt color used, a white hachimaki is symbolism of still being a student. Solid red and/or the sun with rays symbol worn by the kamikaze ("divine wind") pilots was symbolic of a willingness to give your life for a cause. However, it's also common to have the name or symbol of your dojo (martial arts school) and/or sensei (teacher) on your hachimaki.
Besides, I only said you would probably lick his balls. I didn't command you to. I do like how you didn't dispute anything I said about what you were wrong on and decided to focus on the important issue... your threatened manhood. I am a little confused as to what remark I said that was racist though.
In any case, please stop commenting on martial arts. You know way to little to be talking about it in any manner other than "Wow dude! Did you see that?! He punched him in the face!" I hope this has been informative for you.
Oh oh, Nick's pissed. Bet he's doing his black belt routine in front of a full-length mirror, with one of those sashes tied around his head. Hey Nick, you're enough of a loser to have spent years learning how to be tough - how come nobody in MMA comes out straight up Kung Fu? But please be kind in your response. I'm still trying to recover from your "no class" comments after telling me I lick balls. That and the one-two "racist" "threatened manhood" attack was just over the top, Dick.. I mean Nick. Your master has taught you well.
ReplyI actually feel bad for the kid. I'm pretty sure at least part of that video is from a documentary about those monks and their training and it is both strict and extreme. The things he has to go through in order to be able to that would not be My choice for a childhood that's for sure. They say only the kids can do that form of martial art because of their innate flexibility- and yes the point is mental discipline not fighting ability even though i don't doubt he can at the Very least withstand a heck of a lot more pain than I can aka take a punch.
ReplyOn the subject of the dude in the skirt- Gaultier is notorious for things like that. Case in point- I only know who he is because I accidentally ran across some "makeup for men", couldnt' believe it was real, and found out he has a whole "pushing the line of traditional gender roles" fetish. Personally I think man-mascara is totally practical.
Bit academic, after all the strict honor codes and disciplines won't let them actually attack anyone, only defend themselves.
ReplyIf you're constantly pissing off martial artists enough to debate how to fight them you've probably been watching too many Kung Fu movies.
Good thing guns were invented...they can do all the crazy monk stuff they want. Can't flip kick or whatever a bullet.
ReplyI'm happy to see you would shoot a peaceful monk.
It wouldn't be a Cracked Blog comments section without at least ONE racist description of a little Chinese boy's genitals.
ReplyAlso, "Choocher's" racist description of the boy's genitals is very classy. What can you say about "Choocher?" He's a class act. Apparently, his manhood is so threatened when he overhears someone admiring a child's precocious skill that he has to bash the child to make himself feel better. I hope he's a child himself, not a grown man; it would make his attitude more age-appropriate.
Reply