Awesome Video Of The Day
Shao Lin Xiao Zi (Translation: Little Boy What Punches Yer Face In)
When I was 7 years old I used to do moves like this all the time. The only difference was that I was doing them in a carpeted living room in Skokie, Illinois instead of in front of an epic mountain range at a Shaolin temple in China. Oh - and it looked like absolute garbage. Maybe that’s because I had no formal training whatsoever and a completely sedentary lifestyle.
I’m not a kid anymore, but I’d bet you dollars to dojos that this kid could fight his way from one US coast to the other and annihilate pretty much anyone he encountered. Dude can do the splits and bang his head on the ground and all kinds of crazy crap; do you really think he’s gonna have a problem mowing through a couple hundred thousand pasty, flabby Americans? We’ll be all “Awww, look at him meditating in his little pajamas.” Then his eyes will open and he’ll be all “AIEEEEE!” and that will be the last thing you ever see. We need to keep this kid off of American soil. Seriously.
And you wonder why China is the next global superpower. Even their CHILDREN can murder you.
With Winter just around the corner, it’s time to make preparations for the cold months ahead. You’re going to want to load up on batteries and canned food and have an emergency plan for your family and all that, but more importantly, you’d better figure out what you’re going to wear. Navigating the gauntlet that is Men’s Fashion can be scary, but don’t worry: I’ve done all the homework for you, and this week on the Cracked Blog I’ll be bringing you my five top picks for the season.
The Cracked Guide To Men’s Winter Fashion
Label: Jean Paul Gaultier
Materials: Leather, Cotton, Shame
Message It Sends To The World: “Claudio have… how you say… many side to him. Many side to Claudio, yes?”
Features
Price: $1,800,000 (sweet facial hair not included)
1 To your dinger.
Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky
- The 5 Lamest Forwarded Emails (And Why Your Mom Loves Them) - November 19th, 2008
- The 5 Biggest News Stories You Missed During Election Season - November 6th, 2008
- "I Have Brain Cancer": 6 Amazing Non-Sex Scenes from Porn - October 21st, 2008
- 15 (Worthless) Things We Learned from the Town Hall Debate - October 8th, 2008
- Porn, Pizza and Awesome Roller Coasters: Vote Wolinsky In '08 - September 24th, 2008
September 8th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
I never really minded Nick’s extensive writings. When any commentary is invited, you’re going to get a few know-it-alls correcting the eggheads. Just roll with it.
My hat goes off to the Cracked legend that is Nick.
June 12th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
I also saw this article in hot dating club___Plusmeet.com___, where many big boob women, big booty women and big guys mingle and seek fun&love together.
April 24th, 2008 at 4:52 am
I am so piss-myself happy that I finally found this post. Once upon a time, in a land not much changed from this, I stumbled upon a truly fine posting about what a raging ass tool this fine gentleman we refer to as “Nick” truly is.
His delirious Mountain Dew fueled ramblings have not only lived up to my expectations but have also single handedly destroyed my personal definition of what an ‘egotistical nerd terd’ truly is. Bravo. Bravo.
I applaud your ridiculous (albeight pointless) existence on this planet.
March 9th, 2008 at 10:07 am
I’d prefer reading in my native language, because my knowledge of your languange is no so well. But it was interesting! Look for some my links:
January 19th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Nick… part of martial arts is learning discipline and internal calm in order to master yourself. If you’re getting incensed over a faceless entity on the internet who doubts that a Shaolin child could take on anyone in America, then you probably need to work on the internal side more and work on the exterior another day.
Turk Fowler, too late! Since you were the first one to bring it up, now you have to go and check on the status of Nick’s balls! This whole post was really a setup to trap you into this duty, and you FELL FOR IT! HA!
December 12th, 2007 at 5:38 am
I think “little asian baby balls” is a funny line and should be appreciated….I think nick may also have them but I refuse to be the one who has to verify that….
December 10th, 2007 at 3:21 pm
You say you’re not coming back, but I bet you will just to see if I post anything, so I leave this message for you, Choocher:
1.) I’m glad you finally figured out that you shouldn’t post about a subject you don’t know enough about to speak intelligently.
2.) I love your assumptions about my skills though you’ve never seen me. That’s worse than your assessment of the kids in the video. There’s no “trying to.” I do break boards with my head. As far as kicking goes, I can kick anyone 7′ tall or less in the head with any type of kick from a standing position and I can front jump kick to almost 9″ feet.
You are also incorrect on a number of points with “kiyaaah.” I’ll leave it at that since you don’t care to learn the “trivia” as you call it, even though that “trivia” it is an important part of martial arts.
3.) I do have a sense of humor. I think your stupidity is hilarious, but not your insults based on a subject you don’t know enough about to assess properly. (i.e. Your comment on banging their crotch on the ground and “little asian baby balls” wasn’t funny because that’s not what really happened and it’s easy to see that it didn’t happen.)
I still wonder though… Are you the type of guy that plays Guitar Hero and thinks it means he can really play guitar?
December 10th, 2007 at 4:15 am
Word, Shooey. At least I’m on the job, making money while I post. Nick’s in his mom’s basement, running to check this page, then running back to the heavy bag with “Choocher” misspelled on it, doing spinning backhands to it, since he can’t quite get that chubby leg above the waist, shouting “Kiyaaaah! You know nothing about martial arts, Choocher! Nothing! How dare you comment!” This is the last time I’ll ever come to this page, so I’ll never read Nick’s stupid, Karate-trivia-filled, poorly spelled, ‘obvious you know nothing’ reply. So he’ll have the last word in cyberspace, and I’ll have it in reality. Nick, I’ll never again post a comment about something I’m not an unqualified master at, especially something as complex as who can kick who’s ass, not even at being a ‘brain sergeon’. You, in return, might want to stop trying to break boards with your head, learn how to spell, and develop a sense of humor. Putz.
p.s. No ‘e’ in ‘arguing’, Shooey. Couldn’t help myself.
December 10th, 2007 at 4:14 am
Word, Shooey. At least I’m on the job, making money while I post. Nick’s in his mom’s basement, running to check this page, then running back to the heavy bag with “Choocher” misspelled on it, doing spinning backhands to it, since he can’t quite get that chubby leg above the waist, shouting “Kiyaaaah! You know nothing about martial arts, Choocher! Nothing! How dare you comment!” This is the last time I’ll ever come to this page, so I’ll never read Nick’s stupid, Karate-trivia-filled, poorly spelled, ‘obvious you know nothing’ reply. So he’ll have the last word in cyberspace, and I’ll have it in reality. Nick, I’ll never again post a comment about something I’m not an unqualified master at, especially something as complex as who can kick who’s ass, not even at being a ‘brain sergeon’. You, in return, might want to stop trying to break boards with your head, learn how to spell, and develop a sense of humor. Putz.
December 8th, 2007 at 5:51 pm
Wow, nick and choocher. Heres a small little… something something for you. Shut your mouths, and get some lives. You cant have lives if your jsut sitting at your computer argueing, especially with how long your lil stories are for each post.
December 7th, 2007 at 10:17 am
Is Choocher trying to say Ken Shamrock (I know he’s retired but work with me) or Randy Couture go around on the street challenging people to fights and ripping out their shoulders/dislocating and tearing muscles like they’ve trained to do for so long?
Of course not, those guys may be tough but they aren’t undisciplined. There’s still a culture of discipline in MMA.
December 7th, 2007 at 9:29 am
What’s the difference in me being into martial arts and actively participating and you sitting at home on your couch watching Spike TV? You seem to be just as into it as I am, but I’m the one actually participating. It’s like we’re both fans of rock music and you’re playing Guitar Hero and I’m actually learning to play on a real guitar. No matter how much you play, you can’t play a real guitar. No matter how much you watch, you can’t become an expert without actually going out and doing it.
“Wasting your life?” It’s not like I’m an instructor and I opened my own dojo (even if I was I wouldn’t consider it “wasting my life.”) I do it a few days a week now (though while I was still in college I was doing it a lot more). But, I have trained in juijutsu and judo which includes your so necessitized “ground game.” Though, in case you were unaware, there are more competitions other than MMA and UFC that don’t require a “ground game.” i.e. They find out who’s the best at karate or judo or sword… whatever.
“Avoiding the formalized bullshit:” WTF do you think “Gracie Juijutsu” is? It’s a formalized form. He created it, but would you fault someone else for learning it just because it’s formalized now? Most of those guys started with a formalized form at some time and adapted it to better suit the fighting styles they go up against in the UFC and/or MMA.
As far as giving you information about things like the hachimaki, it was only because you make statements like “with one of those sashes tied around his head” and refering to a kata as a “routine” like it’s a dance and putting a negative spin on it. And, it started with the “little asian baby balls” remark. It would have been funnier and I would have recognized it as a joke had you said something more like this: “I could do that move. It’s easy, but I’m just so big that when I do the splits niether of my legs can touch the ground.” You’ve been wrong about 95% of what you’ve said about martial arts so far. I’ve been telling you where you’ve been wrong in an attempt to show you that you really have no idea what you’re talking about.
In any case, you can laugh at me all you want because while I’m actually participating and understanding what martial arts is really all about, you’re just sitting at home watching your TV wishing you could be as good as them. I’m not as good as those guys on TV. Not even close, but at least I’m actually learning. I do wonder now though… do you play Guitar Hero?
December 7th, 2007 at 3:04 am
Oh my god, Nick. I get it. You think only people who are deeply versed in your hobby are allowed to make remarks. I don’t give a rat’s ass, Nick. My original post was in the spirit of crude humor, since this is Cracked, not a “Past adolescence and still way too into Martial Arts” forum. No one’s asking for your info and insights. Do I have a right to comment on martial arts, even though I know “way to little”? Yeah. Do I have to take a thousand jabs to the face to know Roy Jones Jr. is a better fighter than Jeff Lacy? No. You don’t have to be a “brain sergeon” to see all the guys in MMA competitions avoiding the formalized bullshit you’ve wasted your life on, and adopting techniques that include a ground game. I’m sorry if this took you away from Black Belt Magazine for too long. But please refrain from the tiresome Karate trivia. I’d like to laugh with you now, not at you.
December 6th, 2007 at 2:30 pm
Just another quick FYI…. the “routines” are called “kata.” They depict battles against multiple enemies and are really gruesome if you understand what the moves are actually indended to be doing.
Kama (sickle weapon) is used to cut open the abdomen in a way that the entrails fall out, cutting in from the back to slice open the kidneys, rip the collar bone out, cut the head off, and/or cut open the neck. Sword style weapons are used in the same way. Spear and naginata are used to slice appart and impale. And, good old fashined hand-to-hand teaches to break bones, choke, and otherwise turn your opponant into a bloody pulp.
December 6th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
Do you really think that’s all martial arts is about? “Learning to be tough?” You’re only showing more and more about how little you really know about martial arts. Self-discipline, self-respect, focus, concentration, strength, and perseverance are all part of the lessons learned on top of other cultural understanding. Even a common yell “Osu” can be translated to mean “I will persevere.” Putting a negative spin on the hachimaki is even funnier.
And, just FYI, one of those “sashes” tied around your head is called a hachimaki. A sash is worn around the chest, like police officers wear while directing traffic.
From wikipedia, “A hachimaki is a stylized headband (bandana) in the Japanese culture, usually made of red or white cloth, worn as a symbol of perseverance or effort by the wearer.”
Black belts would wear the white because most people that recieve a blackbelt have realized they still have a lot to learn. White being the first belt color used, a white hachimaki is symbolism of still being a student. Solid red and/or the sun with rays symbol worn by the kamikaze (”divine wind”) pilots was symbolic of a willingness to give your life for a cause. However, it’s also common to have the name or symbol of your dojo (martial arts school) and/or sensei (teacher) on your hachimaki.
Besides, I only said you would probably lick his balls. I didn’t command you to. I do like how you didn’t dispute anything I said about what you were wrong on and decided to focus on the important issue… your threatened manhood. I am a little confused as to what remark I said that was racist though.
In any case, please stop commenting on martial arts. You know way to little to be talking about it in any manner other than “Wow dude! Did you see that?! He punched him in the face!” I hope this has been informative for you.
December 6th, 2007 at 12:41 am
Oh oh, Nick’s pissed. Bet he’s doing his black belt routine in front of a full-length mirror, with one of those sashes tied around his head. Hey Nick, you’re enough of a loser to have spent years learning how to be tough - how come nobody in MMA comes out straight up Kung Fu? But please be kind in your response. I’m still trying to recover from your “no class” comments after telling me I lick balls. That and the one-two “racist” “threatened manhood” attack was just over the top, Dick.. I mean Nick. Your master has taught you well.
December 2nd, 2007 at 5:18 am
I actually feel bad for the kid. I’m pretty sure at least part of that video is from a documentary about those monks and their training and it is both strict and extreme. The things he has to go through in order to be able to that would not be My choice for a childhood that’s for sure. They say only the kids can do that form of martial art because of their innate flexibility- and yes the point is mental discipline not fighting ability even though i don’t doubt he can at the Very least withstand a heck of a lot more pain than I can aka take a punch.
On the subject of the dude in the skirt- Gaultier is notorious for things like that. Case in point- I only know who he is because I accidentally ran across some “makeup for men”, couldnt’ believe it was real, and found out he has a whole “pushing the line of traditional gender roles” fetish. Personally I think man-mascara is totally practical.
December 1st, 2007 at 7:12 am
Bit academic, after all the strict honor codes and disciplines won’t let them actually attack anyone, only defend themselves.
If you’re constantly pissing off martial artists enough to debate how to fight them you’ve probably been watching too many Kung Fu movies.
December 1st, 2007 at 4:30 am
someone said that the kid’s mother jioned a online adult club sugarmommymeet.com. it is a service for rich women seeking handsome and charming men. do you believe that?
November 30th, 2007 at 1:16 pm
Good thing guns were invented…they can do all the crazy monk stuff they want. Can’t flip kick or whatever a bullet.
November 30th, 2007 at 12:23 pm
It wouldn’t be a Cracked Blog comments section without at least ONE racist description of a little Chinese boy’s genitals.
November 30th, 2007 at 12:15 pm
Also, “Choocher’s” racist description of the boy’s genitals is very classy. What can you say about “Choocher?” He’s a class act. Apparently, his manhood is so threatened when he overhears someone admiring a child’s precocious skill that he has to bash the child to make himself feel better. I hope he’s a child himself, not a grown man; it would make his attitude more age-appropriate.
November 30th, 2007 at 5:47 am
I think Nick should just adopt the kid and stop whining. Tip: Don’t let the kid play football, a helmet on that little dancer would kill somebody.
November 29th, 2007 at 11:34 am
When one of those kids does a Hadoken, I’ll be impressed.
November 29th, 2007 at 11:10 am
It’s not about a matter of who knows more. It’s the fact that he knows almost nothing and is insulting people. It’d be like me trying to say what a brain sergeon is doing wrong, or why this technique is better than another for this brain problem. Sure, I know in general what’s wrong… some guy needs a hole drilled in his skull to relieve the pressure from some head injury, but I couldn’t go about doing it. That’s about the extent that he knows martial arts: it’s comprised of kicks, punches, and some grappling.
Just because some guy has seen UFC doesn’t make him smart enough to throw out insults at some kids like Choocher did. He obviously has not trained in martial arts before if he claims that the kids are banging thier crotch on the ground (they aren’t), can’t see the difference between a martial artist and a gymnast, and thinks that gracie juijutsu is the be-all end-all of martial arts styles (it isn’t). Gracie juijutsu is strong, but only in the hands of someone who’s trained and has the talent for it.
The martial arts style is only good as the person using it. These kids are talented and to insult them based on seeing some UFC fighting pisses me off.
November 29th, 2007 at 10:39 am
NOTHING is more interesting that reading dudes bicker about who knows more about martial arts.
November 29th, 2007 at 9:15 am
Have you done any martial arts before Choocher? I mean to a respectful degree of 3-5 years at least? I’ve been doing it for 5-6 years now. Do you honestly think that by watching UFC, guys who have been doing in for 10+ years, you can judge a young child against them? That’s like saying someone with a BB gun could kill someone with a machine gun.
Most set forms have stuff like that in it… jump kicks, spins, etc. Those are for show like demonstration kicks in a competition. Doing 3 kicks in a 720 jump is so easy to see coming (90% of arial kicks are) that it’s very easily dodged or blocked which means a dead stop in the middle of the spin. Very rarely (if at all) do you use those while fighting/sparring. They’re strong kicks, but rarely land a good hit, and they leave the kicker vulreable.
I think you’d have a tougher time in a fight with these kids then you would expect esspecially since you seem to still be under the delusion that one style of martial arts is better than all others… spouting out Gracie’s name like some retard who’d lick his balls just because he’s a great fighter. Yes, Gracie was a supurb fighter and probably one of the best to ever live, but that doesn’t mean the people that train his same style all of a sudden become immune to a kick to the throat.
Now they’re like 80 lbs, but give them a few years and they’ll be 180 lbs with speed and technique that could leave any one in a bloody heap on the ground.
BTW, when you do moves using the splits like that, you absorb most of the impact with the legs. Watch it again. The kid’s right leg hits the ground long before anything else. At the end, he again absorbs most of the impact using his leg when he goes into the splits.
Go and train some martial arts before you spout off stupidity because you think know something just by watching UFC.
November 28th, 2007 at 8:59 pm
I just want to point out, for anyone without a functioning understanding of footnotes that the easy access Mr. Wollinsky mentioned is “to your dinger.”
November 28th, 2007 at 8:34 pm
Um, guys? If that kid can kick ass, so can every 80 pound bulimic gymnast on the Chinese women’s team. I could do jump splits and bang my crotch on the ground too, if I had little asian baby balls that stayed hidden twixt my taint and thighs. It’s a very cute and flexible routine, but I’d take any seven year old scion of the Gracie clan over this bald-headed cheerleader, even if the Brazilian kid was coming off a three day coke bender after Carnival. Any of the UFC champs looking for Kung Fu masters to teach them how to kick ass? NOPE. Boxing and ground game. Save the flips and splits for Yi Ar Kung Fu nostalgia gaming.
November 28th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
The silence is deafening.
November 28th, 2007 at 4:21 pm
Thanks for leaving me with that hanging in the wind, assholes.
November 28th, 2007 at 1:21 pm
Last I heard the Shaolin Boyz are into avenging slights on their honor, so be careful what you say, Skokie boy. Also–and this is just an aside–I was watching Crouching Tiger again the other night, and is there anything hotter in the history of the world than Ziyi Zhang when she’s kicking ass in that movie? I think not.
November 28th, 2007 at 12:46 pm
Asside from being dishonorable, he’d make more money in UFC or something similar when he’s old enough to compete (though something like this may also be dishonorable. I’m not familiar with Shao Lin ethics). You don’t see much competitive breakdancing on Pay Per View.
November 28th, 2007 at 12:46 pm
That aint’t one kid, that is THREE DIFFERENT KIDS!!! We are doomed if they are ever released in the United States.
November 28th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
That would be dishonorable, cern.
November 28th, 2007 at 12:18 pm
That kid could make millions on the competitive breakdancing circuit.
November 28th, 2007 at 12:13 pm
I have a black belt and training in multiple styles of martial arts and I still wouldn’t wanna fight that kid. I’m probably like 2 feet taller than him, but he could still do a flying jump kick to my face, kick me twice on the way up, land on my shoulders, lean back wards and use his legs around my neck to throw me off a cliff. I’ll stick to fighting flabby americans so I know I can win.
November 28th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
The song “dude looks like a lady” comes to mind.