So let's get this out of the way: I have nothing against John Mayer in terms of his music. Admittedly, his tunes are not something I'm particularly fond of, but that does not bother me. I am not moved to hatred by something I could easily ignore. Also, the dude's sick on guitar (not being sarcastic) and anyone who says different should watch him play guitar.
The picture is being sarcastic for me.
No, this is not about his music and this is not about me being some bitter and angry person who throws around the word "douchebag" like it's an easily-thrown douchebag. This isn't even about how Mayer has been "accidentally" racist on more than one occasion. This is about the fact that he's a lying piece of shit and he should follow my blog, because he totally said he would.
Meeting With The Mayer
It all began on April 27th when The Mayer made a big to-do about quitting Twitter. On his blog (via Tumblr), he announced that Twitter was dying and he no longer wanted to be a part of it. Tumblr, he said, was the future of social networking and he was going to lead the way:
"This post is an experiment in itself. If you want to communicate with me, open a Tumblr account, follow me, repost my blog and then add to it. I’ll follow you back. Agree or disagree, lionize or demonize, but for God’s sake, be original. You’ll have all the room in the world to do it now." - John "The" Mayer
Essentially he's saying "Your bloggy is a wonderland."
Or "Your body is a Tumblrland." Both work.
On a whim, I did exactly what he asked. I followed him, I reblogged his post, and I added my own thoughts on the matter, mainly that I wish there were more stupid social-networking site names like "Droople" and "Thoughtsy." I said "Hi" to May-May and asked him to follow me on Tumblr. After all, he said he would. I didn't really care, though, because he essentially said "I, a busy celebrity, will follow whomever follows me no matter who you are or what you say even though that is ridiculous," and that's ridiculous. I moved on with my day and that was that.
That Was Not That
Maybe a day went by and John did not start following me, although I had followed him like he asked. When I opened my Tumblr, I saw his second post: a video of himself working on a new song. Instinctively, I clicked 'reblog' and asked him why he wasn't following me, even though he said he would. I probably shouldn't have titled the video "Here's Me In My Jammies Tapping My Foot On A Rug For Three Minutes" or suggested he call his next album Candy, Girl, Snow, And Lying To People On Tumblr; but he could tell I was joking.
I said "JK/LOLZ" at least once, you tall-haired fuck!
The Mayer's posts continued, and with each one I got more and more satisfaction from treating him like garbage. Because it was based on the fabrication that I was mad he lied about following me on Tumblr, I didn't see a problem with it. I didn't call it "Trolling;" I called it "Enlightened Bullying." I even thought maybe he'd catch on and join in. When I claimed that his post of a bearded Batman meant that all of his girlfriends were beards and that he didn't know who Batman was, I was really saying, "Hey, J. May, let's have a laugh."
Birth Of A J. Maytion
Pretty soon I started calling him "J. May" in every single one of my posts, just to give him the sense that I didn't actually hate him. It's a playful enough nickname, and many of his fans use it in reference to him (one would assume). Unfortunately, all of his posts used phrases like "The Beautiful Orange Mist Of Thoughts And Ideas," and I'm not even kidding.
Not only could the above person not find anyone else interesting to follow, but they also thought J. May's posts were interesting. Every time I typed "J. May," my fake hate turned more and more into real hate, as if the name was cursed. It was like if Bloody Mary, Beetlejuice, and Voldemort all had an evil name baby, and that evil name baby wouldn't follow you on your blog even though they said they would. I hated J. May and his stupid new nickname, and he was only interested in the beautiful orange mist of thoughts and ideas:
Okay, so maybe he was just interested in whatever lies between "mist" and "completely dry air." Thumbs up for still being beautiful and orange, though! Seriously, for someone who claimed to be so anti-Twitter, J. May sure was tweeting a lot on his Tumblr. The fact that he, a self-proclaimed pioneer of Tumblr, actually sucked at Tumbling made me start to genuinely dislike the guy. I was powerless.
J. May: The Photog
You Mayer may not know, but J. May loves taking pictures and loves photography in general.
"I think photography has gotten to such an equalized place in terms of image quality that it’s really all about who you got doing what, not that you got a well exposed and composed image of it." - J. May
For those who can't be bothered with reading a normal sentence (in order to experience the Beautiful Orange Mist Of Thoughts And Ideas), I've paraphrased his opinion: "Even if you suck at whatever, cameras is good now, soes I am taking the pictures, yes?"
To prove his point, J. May has posted many of his photos onto his blog. That, or he did a Google image search for "[location] + [time of day]."
J. May or Google image search?
THE BRIDGE IS IN THE WAY, DUMMY!
AND WHO IS THAT PERSON WALKING!?!? I can’t tell because your picture is horrible. Take better pictures!!!
Yasaka Shrine, Kyoto Japan
Nijo Castle grounds, Kyoto Japan
A Wall, My Room - Columbus, Ohio
A Wall With Tape On It, My Room - Columbus, Ohio
I call this one What The Fuck, J. May? Why Aren’t You Following Me Like You Said You Would?It's a real think piece.
J. May: Musician, Filmmaker, I Hate This Guy
In order to connect with his fans and his "people who are following him just to prove a point they can't remember," J. May made a documentary about his daily routine. You can see the video here, if you want. I won't spoil much, but I will say that (SPOILER ALERT) it's called "A Life In The Day" and (SPOILER ALERT) the Smoke Monster turns out to just be some dude's brother.
But seriously, it's called "A Life In The Day" and it's boring as hell, except for the concert footage.
Quit trying to connect, J. May. You will not get me to stop hating you.
J. May Tries To Connect
It was around this time that I think J. May caught on. In a previous reblog, I recommended he follow a great Tumblog, The Daily What. A few days later, J. May reblogged a post from The Daily What. This told me two things. 1) J. May was totally reading all of my reblogs and 2) J. May was totally not following me. To remedy the situation, I reblogged his reblog. In it, I mentioned Star Wars. A few days later, J. May J. Made the following post:
Did he really think he could win me over by pointing out that we both like Star Wars? A lot of people like Star Wars, J. May. You are nothing special. I've got some other news for you, too, and the headline reads: “’Lightsaber’ is not two words.” The sub-headline reads: “you stupid asshole.”
Alright, J. May. Let's connect if it's so damn important to you. I heard from some high school kids that you write songs. That's awesome! I do, too (kind of)! This is for you and it's called "Follow Me On Tumblr, Like You Said You Would."
Maybe I Start To Cross The Line
One day, J. May J. Made another boring and suspiciously Twitter-esque post.
In response, I ran it through a J. May Translator to arrive at: "If I look a little faggier these days, it's because I'm queering up for a gay sex party. I'm blowing a dude on all fours who drips cum in my eyes while hard-ons exercise me." The family friendly version is "You are a promiscuous homosexual, J. May."
Things were starting to really get out of hand. An innocent orange mist of thoughts and ideas would result in childish taunting and name-calling. Unfortunately for J. May, every one of his posts was either completely unnecessary, overwhelmingly pretentious, or both. More like the Beautiful Orange PISS Of Thoughts And Ideas, RIGHT?
J. May: "There’s a level of travel that you can achieve wherein you almost cease to exist as you have been known to yourself. I don’t mean it as in a feeling of meaningless, or emptiness, but a sort of new kind of existence takes place. You become just particles in motion, closer in frequency to a ghost or something."
Me: My God, if only you ceased to exist. IF ONLY, J. MAY!!! Your words are so fucking meaningless, you faux-existentialist face-fucked butt fucker! NEWS TIME ALERT! You have always been and will always be particles in motion. Check the science book you never read in high school because you were too busy farting on your hand and shoving it in dudes’ faces. I can’t believe you thought they would like that, J. May. I hope you eventually learned your lesson that no one, no matter the gender, enjoys smelling your farty, farty hand.
You’re also an idiot for believing in ghosts.
I Forgot About The J. Maytriots
Shit started to get real when J. May reblogged one of his follower's reblogs. She pointed out that he should "Stop trying so hard to sound deep." I didn't even care what his response was; I was just mad at the mere existence of the response. I had been reblogging literally every single one of this fucker's posts, and the one criticism he responded to wasn't mine? F that. F that in the J. May.
I was filled with actual anger. It was the kind of anger you could take to the bank so a teller could explain to you, "Sir, we have money here, not anger." Not long after my reblog of his reblog of her reblog got posted, my reblog of his reblog of her reblog got reblogged. The new Tumblrite was pissed, and even though the reblog's title seemed to explain everything, they clearly didn't get it.
Slowly but surely, John Mayer fans that had been following his Tumblr were starting to catch glimpses of my Tumblwrath. I got my first comment from an angry John Mayer fan, then I lost a follower. Then someone reblogged my reblogs complaining about how mean and immature I was. They received encouragement and they claimed they were so mad at me that they would now reblog everything I posted just to teach me a lesson. Thelesson was not learned, because I reblogged their reblog and they gave up, deleting their original claim that they would reblog everything I reblogged. I'm sure there was some point they were trying to make.
See? He does so know who Batman is. Take that, CODY!
This sudden backlash was important, though. I was no longer trying to start an interactive Tumblr joke feud. I was now starting to negatively affect people I had nothing against, other than the fact that they didn't hate J. May for not following me when he said he would. These John Mayer patriots (J. Maytriots) were simply well-meaning people who happened to love a big stupid liar. I was making them upset when all I wanted to do was get J. May to follow me (because he said he would). Now I can't even post a questionably photoshopped picture of J. May without someone getting super pissed for no damn reason.
A Genuinely (In?)sincere Apology
J. Maytriots... . You can all calm down and go on with your lives, because all of those mean things I said about your boyish girlfriend were just enlightened bullying. I very honestly didn't mean any of it and I wish you all the best of luck in achieving the Beautiful Orange Mist Of Thoughts And Ideas, even though that's the stupidest phrase that ever dumbed.
J. May: Musician, Filmmaker, I Hate This Guy (Part 2)
Wait a minute, "A Life In The Day?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME, J. MAY? More like "No Wife Cause You're Gay." Seriously, J. May, that title is just awful. You are awful. I made a new version of your stupid fucking movie. It's called "Day In The A Life" and I think it's much better. Follow me on Tumblr like you said you would, you butthole surfer.
Either way, try to make it happen today.
For more information on the continued destruction of John "J. May" Mayer's Tumblr (or the eventual following of Cody's Tumblr by J. "John Mayer" May), feel free to follow Cody on his blog. If that's not your bag, try Facebook or Twitter. If you're still lost, go cancel your Friendster account and get back to him.