We haven’t made much hay out of Joaquin Phoenix’s descent into bearded insanity here at Cracked, partly because we’ve have all this other high quality stuff to talk about, and partly because we’re so goddamned lazy. Also, as seems pretty clear to me at least, Phoenix is faking the entire thing in pursuit of some sort of misguided meta-movie project, an activity I have no interest in condoning. This whole thing reeks of vanity and beard sweat.
I don’t want to support the whole “Joaquin Phoenix is crazy” industry by making easily spotted jokes about his easily spotted fake craziness, but, as I still have a column to write, I’m going to have to make up better jokes about Phoenix instead, using my favorite tool in my comedy utility belt: Slander.
Comedy utility belt w. Slander, unholstered.
Here then, obtained under circumstances I don’t have the time to fabricate, are some excerpted pages from Joaquin Phoenix’s diary, detailing his bearded activities over the last several months:
__
May 5th 2008:
Dear Diary,
It hit me last night: I’m sick of acting. I’ve spent 30 years of my life pretending to be someone I’m not. That’s crazy. Isn’t it better to “Pretend To Be Someone You Are”? Hmm. That doesn’t sound quite right. I shouldn’t have gotten that tattooed so fast.
May 18th 2008:
Dear Diary,
I was in McDonald’s today, staring vacantly at the menu, searching for some direction in life. Did you know they have wraps now? Of course not, how could you? YOU’RE JUST A BOUND COLLECTION OF INDIVIDUAL PIECES OF PAPER! How silly of me. Anyways, I think I’m going to be a rap star now.
June 5th 2008:
Dear Diary,
Did you know that since Kenny Rogers, no contemporary hip-hop artists have had a huge bushy beard? When I realized that, it was as if God reached down and patted me affectionately on the bum. This is it diary. I can feel it. It’s really happening.
July 22nd 2008:
Dear Diary,
You know who’s just incredible? Jodie Foster. I am just FASCINATED by her. I have been reading web sites about Jodie Foster all day, and have just ordered a whole bunch of books about her off Amazon. I wonder if she enjoys rap performances.
August 3rd 2008:
Dear Diary,
I mailed anthrax to someone today. I don’t even know who it was. Is that fucked up? I don’t know.
August 8th 2008:
Dear Diary,
Two men from the FBI came to the house today. They asked if I had mailed anthrax to anyone lately. I told them I couldn’t have, then paused for five seconds before sarcastically adding “Obviously” and pointing at my beard. They thanked me and left the house.
August 9th 2008:
Dear Diary,
I have to write quietly. I think my beard has been bugged. Wait. Shut up for a second. No, just shut up for a second. Shhhhhh. Did you hear that?
September 18th 2008:
Deary Diary,
I bought the house across the street from where Jodie Foster lives today. Hopefully we’ll accidentally bump into each other, and I can compliment her on her wrist bones.
September 19th 2008:
Dear Diary,
Still no contact with JF. Will keep you advised.
September 20th 2008:
Dear Diary,
No contact with JF. Morale remains high.
September 21st 2008:
Dear Diary,
What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK? Doesn’t that bitch ever need groceries?
September 25th 2008:
Dear Diary,
I apologize if my writing is shaky. I’m writing this from the back of a van carrying migrant laborers on the way to Arizona. Oh, I should explain. After my last entry, I snuck into Jodie Foster’s house wearing a huge rubber mask. The rubber mask was of me (an old Gladiator promotional item I think). She wasn’t in at the time, and as I didn’t want to intrude, I left after splashing some water from her toilet on me. When I walked out the front door there were two police cars there, and I had to run for it. I managed to get away I think - fortunately because of the mask, they thought it was only me in there.
September 25th 2008 Addendum:
Dear Diary,
I forgot to mention, during my escape I found myself hiding underneath a taco van parked on the side of the road. That’s where I met my new friends, who kindly offered to take me with them if I promised not to rap at them any more.
October 5th 2008:
Dear Diary,
Back home again. Did you know that tampering with Tylenol bottles is still pretty easy? I’m not saying I’m going to put these back on store shelves, I’m just saying that anyone could do this if they thought two seconds about it.
October 26th 2008:
Dear Diary,
I was promoting my last movie today when I realized I forgot to tell everyone that I had retired from acting. I corrected that immediately, then paused to see if my beard wanted to add anything. She didn’t.
November 18th 2008:
Fuck you Diary! FUCK YOU!
December 13th 2008:
Dear Diary,
I was caught masturbating on the bus today, although if you ask me, you can’t really claim I was “caught,” because I wasn’t trying to hide it at all. Similar story when I was “caught” masturbating in the police cruiser later.
January 9th 2009:
Dear Diary,
To prepare for my upcoming rap debut, I’ve intensified my training. Today I fought a series of fistfights against homeless men, each one deadlier than the last.
January 16th 2009:
Deary Diary,
I had my first rap show today. It went pretty good. I rocked my track “Mumble Fucker.” It was pretty tight. Then I broke into some freestyle which I think everyone enjoyed, except for fake people. To wrap it all up, I leaned heavily against a wall for about two minutes before launching into a remix of “Mumble Fucker.”
When I was leaving the stage gravity sort of went a little sideways a bit, and I took a tumble. I’ve been reading the papers all day today to see what the scientists have to say about that, but nothing. Someone’s gotten to them. Maybe a new government weapon.
February 10th 2009:
Dear Diary,
I watched the Discovery Channel for like 12 straight hours yesterday and it totally got me into the mood for science. I’ve been experimenting all day today, and have discovered that if you take some Bounce dryer sheets and roll them up really tightly, they can be smoked.
February 12th 2009:
Dear Diary,
I think I was on the David Letterman show last night, because I keep reading Internet sites about me being on the David Letterman show last night. I honestly can’t remember. I was freebasing Bounce sheets all day Tuesday (more science - forgot to mention) and sort of blinked off there.
February 17th 2009:
Dear Diary,
Oh no! My diary’s missing! How did that happen? I don’t even know how I’m writing this. I hope I’m not going crazy.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 17th, 2009 at 8:00 am and is filed under Joaquin Phoenix, Jodie Foster. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Nicolas Cage Investment Advice: Be In Movies, Buy Everything
10 Job Hunting Strategies Guaranteed to Get You Arrested
Why We Should Be Terrified of the 2012 Apocalypse
11 Cracked Lifehacking Tips
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
October 13th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Funny as hell. One of the best articles on this entire site, BRAVO!
May 2nd, 2009 at 10:29 pm
The sad thing is, that after all the interviews and things I saw with him, i can actually imagine him writing this.
March 14th, 2009 at 5:42 am
Love the Jodie Foster obsession reference. Classic 80s, or maybe early 90s, they kinda blend together in my mind.
March 12th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
toni yep im afraid its sean connery from the very crap movie zardoz
March 12th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
it was funny for 5 minutes………..kinda like phoenix really
February 27th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Don’t you guys know, this is a hoax, a genius marketing ploy to generate interest in this mock-umentary they are doing on this supposed breakdown.
You can see Joaquin take off his glasses and whisper something to Letterman who was Andy Kaufman’s co-conspirator in 1980 when Andy pulled thee original stunt.
Real or not, either way this is classic and funny! I just read a good article about this, here’s the link…
http://brooklyninvegas.com/?p=187
February 25th, 2009 at 2:49 am
Is it wrong of me to be aroused by Sean Connery in the utility belt? That is Sean Connery right? Or did I miss a Tomb Raider film….I was sure there were only two….
Anyway, the diary entries are good, they made me chortle & I think I may have guffawed back there too…..I’m liking August 9th’s entry alot…..talking beards are the best!
February 25th, 2009 at 12:24 am
Why does it always have to be a “descent into madness”? tell the politically correct webster types to redefine this as an “ascent into cerebral freedom.”
February 24th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
I didn’t feel like through all these comments and checking to see if this has been said yet but I think some shitty rapper/puppeteer found a Being John Malkovich portal into Joaquin Phoenix’s head and that’s what all this noise is. It won’t be long before someone kidnaps Amanda Demme and forces him out of Joaquin.
February 20th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Its a bunch bunch of hollywood douches is what it is.
February 20th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
It’s a mockumentay, damn it.
February 20th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Didnt bud bundy try a rap career as well..I think his went alittle smoother then this.
February 20th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Is he going to have beef with other bearded artists?
February 20th, 2009 at 12:04 am
i luv how everyones talking and writing about joaquin phoenix.
February 19th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
and only the true hip hop heads will appreciate it.
February 19th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
I like in the one clip how grapped the mike off the MC and told him this is HIP HOP.
February 19th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
if this is fake its the funniest thing Ive ever seen.
February 19th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
I need to get this documentary so I dont end up like Joaquin Phoneix
February 19th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
where can I buy this documentary
February 19th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
somebody is not taking their medication…this is too funny.
February 18th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
The last entry is pure win.
February 18th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
[...] • Joaquin’s (Fake) Descent into Bearded Insanity [...]
February 18th, 2009 at 11:47 am
This is just anti-beard propaganda.
February 18th, 2009 at 10:33 am
No matter how scruffy looking he gets, ZZ-TOP will not let him join the band.
February 18th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Hookhoax wins…
…Bounce coupons so s/he has something to smoke while watching “Zardoz”.
February 18th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Freeway has the best beard in hip hop
February 18th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Jackson,
It’s a diary entry. You could hardly call this a wall of text. But I suppose if you’re used to that Dan Brown “small chapters” shit, then other comedy writers might be for you. Don’t discount this as not funny because it looks like a wall of text. Though I agree, some of the articles on here truly classify as walls of text and aren’t funny. I liked this however. I also like Dan Brown novels.
February 18th, 2009 at 8:34 am
I heard joaquin phoenix frequents this site http://www.buttbuddys.com.
February 18th, 2009 at 7:15 am
This totally reminds me of that Kids in the Hall sketch where Kevin McDonald grows a beard and it makes him go batshit insane. All I can think of when I look at the above pics of Joaquin is a voice shouting, “The beard stays… YOU GO!”
February 18th, 2009 at 4:25 am
This makes me wanna touch myself on a bus
February 18th, 2009 at 2:30 am
I wrote an article regarding this on my new comedy blog. Check it:
http://lamingtonwestern.blogspot.com/2009/02/open-letter-to-joaquin-phoenix.html
February 18th, 2009 at 2:28 am
Did none of you guys who were asking and answering who/what that picture was roll over the picture to see the caption “seanconnery - zardoz”?
good ol’ Bucholz never would’ve have left you in suspense!
February 18th, 2009 at 2:02 am
Where the hell did Joaquin Phoenix get anthrax?
February 18th, 2009 at 1:35 am
This was hillarious.
FTW.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:47 am
Dude these specific long ass wall of text articles are never funny. The other cracked writers are hilarious, your material sucks dick.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:12 am
Umm…isnt this actually libel not slander? if you made a video speaking these things it would be slander
February 17th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Unfortunately, he cannot change his name to something crazier than it already is. He’s missing out on a key part of the freakout.
February 17th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
So that’s where my sunglasses and lip scar went! Oh, Joaquin!
February 17th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
I dread the day Joaquin shaves the beard and goes, “HA! I had you all fooled! Blah Blah Blah, the media and its fixation on celebrities, Blah Blah Blah, we Hollywood types are superior to you common people, Blah Blah Blah…”
I hope someone shows him this article and whispers “Maybe you should stick to acting in movies, no one buys this crazy act, you’re just embarrassing yourself. Seriously, this is worse than the time you called yourself Leaf”.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Actually, now that I think about it I was being unfair - it is very easily ascertained as a phony descent into “bearded craziness” and probably everyone has noticed…they’re just being polite by pretending to believe him.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Love the diary…
I hope this Casey Affleck mockumentary is true, because I could have watched that exchange between Joaquin and Dave for hours.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
I have no idea who this man is.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
I can’t believe I’m not the only one who saw the Letterman thing and immediately said “Oh, he’s so full of shit. What a lame act. FAIL!” It’s all phony, and, as you rightly point out, full of vanity and beard sweat. Pfft.
February 17th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
that guy from The Roots has a big bushy beard.
February 17th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Awe. Some.
February 17th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Speaking as someone who has snorted Listerine, I sympathize with the plight of the bounce freebaser
February 17th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
I almost blacked out while reading this. I was laughing so hard I ran out of air.
February 17th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
XD
This was hilarious.
February 17th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
This had me laughing all the way through. There was so much genius in this.
February 17th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
LOLTHASFUNNY.
Slander is always nice
February 17th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
not only did i know that was Zardoz, but i actually have it on dvd. One of the trippiest movies ever.
also, doesn’t Matisyahu have a big bushy beard?
February 17th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
So good. Funniest diary I’ve ever read. Just don’t ever hesitate to use SLANDER again.
February 17th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
“…And I’m sorry, Joaquin, but you didn’t move across the street from Jodie Foster, it was actually Lindsay Lohan’s house, which explains why you never see her making grocery runs. The only thing she ever eats is cocaine and bourbon and Samantha”.
FIFY The Prowler.
February 17th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Zardoz!
February 17th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
My first thought after watching reports of the interview was…
“Damn, happened too late for the article Swaim wrote last month. Hey maybe now there will be a Part II.”
(Sad but true. This site has permeated my consciousness and taken up residence for the long haul.)
My first thought after reading the comments today was…
“Ummm…wow.”
Most of us recognized Connery right off (Hilarious find BTW. Hope it gets used again) but Steve & Nathanos knew the title of the movie. Those guys deserve some kind of prize. Like Domino’s coupons or something.
February 17th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Actually, there is a contemporary hip-hop star with a big bushy beard. His name is Scroobius Pip. Look up Thou Shalt Always Kill on Youtube, if only to see his gloriously fantastic beard.
February 17th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
This was frikkin hilarious! I hope to read more from Joaquin’s crazy diary
February 17th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Ha ha. This shit is awesome.
February 17th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
When I finally saw the Letterman interview, I knew he was pulling our legs. The beard and glasses help to hide his facial expressions so he can more easily fool us. Watch him closely when Dave says the comment about the Unibomber…he hides a smile. Oh, I’m onto you Leaf, I mean Joachim…and I eagarly await the punchline.
February 17th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Great premise, Chris. Has an Into the Wild feel to it without the Eddie Vedder soundtrack. Oh yeah, and much more funny.
February 17th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
nice… I have been thinking this and wondering if anyone was going to put it out there at least in a way like this… I too don’t want to condone his fake insanity. I too see him as incnrreedibly narcisistic. Its almost the narcisism thats showing how fake it is.
February 17th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
This is truly the funniest piece you have written since your Heroes
reviews Bucholz.
Well there may have been a few since then, but this was a masterwork of comedy. Too damn funny.
February 17th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
AWESOME.
February 17th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Really funny, my favorite line is: “paused to see if my beard wanted to add anything. She didn’t.”
So the beard is a ’she’ now is it? XD
February 17th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
For some reason I really want to get “caught” nailing Jodie Foster right now…
February 17th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
The diary builds to a sublime finish, culminating in a laugh from me.
Also, selina, I heard tallmingle discriminates against the short
February 17th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
funny i will uploaded this to tall dating site—Tallmingle.com— to share with my best friends,especially the hot models.
February 17th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
even better than when you got kiddnapped my pirates, chris.
February 17th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Entry january 9th was hilarious.
February 17th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
I thought Swaim uses slander. Without any inherent meaning, that is.
February 17th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Bucholz is quickly becoming my favourite blogger on this site, but this was a little below par. It only got a couple of chuckles out of me (and an irrepressible, self-destructive need to watch Zardoz.)
February 17th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
*snicker*
Damnit! now I want a Snickers. It’s got nougatocity.
February 17th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Homeless Kombaaaat!
February 17th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Zardoz speaks to you… er, Joaquin.
February 17th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Oh, so THAT’S where that white powder in my mailbox came from! That shit wasn’t even in an envelope- it was just a pile of it sitting there. My eyes itch
And I’m sorry, Joaquin, but you didn’t move across the street from Jodie Foster, it was actually Lindsay Lohan’s house, which explains why you never see her making grocery runs. The only thing she ever eats is cocaine and bourbon
February 17th, 2009 at 11:08 am
AmandaintheCO, we could all live in Joachin’s beard.
Truly, it is the chosen one.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:31 am
The Sean Connery pic is from the movie Zardoz.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:28 am
I, for one, am going to support Joaquin the Wapping Wonder and his rap career. There just aren’t enough crazy no talented white males in the rap industry.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:15 am
That is in fact Sean Connery from the movie Zardoz.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:13 am
I could probably, if I tried really hard, live in his beard.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Casey Affleck presents:
Gone River Gone: The Slow Descent Into Self-Important Retardedness
February 17th, 2009 at 10:05 am
LIBEL, not slander!!
February 17th, 2009 at 10:05 am
This article makes me wish that doing this whole silly “fake drugged out rapper” routine, Phoenix had instead decided to walk around wearing a rubber Joaquin Phoenix mask.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:04 am
my eyes!!!! my eyes! ! ooo gaaawwd - why sean?WHY?!!
(that was sean connery in that getup right?)
re: wacky joaquin - what can ah say? celebrities do crazy things…
February 17th, 2009 at 9:58 am
Yeah… I too am dying to know what that movie is. My first reaction was that it was Sean Connery as well. Can anyone identify it?
February 17th, 2009 at 9:28 am
“Mumble Fucker” would make a kick-ass heavy metal band name.
February 17th, 2009 at 8:12 am
i hate joaquin pheonix