Cracked Columnists

Jetpacks, Boredom and The Classiest Headline Ever: The Friday Nooner (EST)!

Awesome Video Of The DayJetpacks Are Boring

There was a time that I would've said having a jetpack would be unconditionally awesome. Who needs concrete plans when you have a jetpack, right? All you have to do is float around 50 feet off the ground, aimlessly firing thrusters and going wherever the winds blow.

That's what I used to think, anyway, but these days the idea of having a jetpack doesn't really do much for me. I guess it would be alright, but 50 feet isn't really that high in the grand scheme of things, and not NEARLY high enough to consider "soaring majestically." Plus, what am I going to be soaring not-so-majestically over, anyway? A parking lot? Maybe an IHOP if I'm lucky? I'm sure it would be fun to fly around with it for a little while, but after the initial novelty wears off all you're really left with is an awesome-but-impractical mode of transportation that will most likely eventually kill you.

Chances are I'd blast off, and it would be cool for about 15 minutes, and then I'd be like, "Alright - what now?" Then I'd land at the local hipster bar to show off my cool new jetpack, but I'd have no idea how to lock it up, and all my friends would go inside. They'd be like, "You alright?" and I'd be like, "Yeah - I'll be there in a minute." Then I'd strap back in and fly around for a while, all alone, until I started getting text messages like "where you @?!" or "u comin bro?" Then I'd throw the thing in a dumpster, go to the same shitty bar I always go to, and get a drink. It'd be a night pretty much like any other, except I'd have gotten there with a jetpack. The future is now, and guess what? It's just as shitty as everything else. Buy me a beer.


The Greatest Headline Of All Time

Newspapers are having a really hard time staying afloat these days, but if everyone took a lesson from the New York Post and wrote headlines like this from time to time I think everything would probably work out just fine:

It's my duty to make jokes as a Cracked blogger, but honestly, what can I do with this one? They pretty much covered all the bases in a mere 5 words. People talk a lot about how bloggers are quickly replacing mainstream journalists, but this is proof that there are some things best left to the professionals. You know - like writing unbelievably tasteless headlines... for obituaries. Stay classy, Post.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Ross Wolinsky

  • Rss

More by Ross Wolinsky:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

7 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!