Jean-Claude Van Damme is arguably our country’s greatest president. He has a fight record of 4078-0 with 831 no contests due to Doing the Splits and Punching Balls. He gets a boner on international television every 46 hours, at precisely the same mathematical rate that humans are attacked by sharks, but science calls this “coincidence.” He has crushed enough testicles to fill 14 oatmeal museums. Yet despite these impressive figures, our love affair with him has gone cold. For many years, America’s only interaction with Van Damme has been when fat people collapse at exactly the right spot of Blockbuster video.
The film JCVD, his first theatrical release in many years, was like a heartfelt apology letter to us. He knows he’s no angel. There was that movie with Dennis Rodman, some rough legal battles, drugs, a movie about exploding pants starring Rob Schneider… and just when he thought he had his shit together and was ready to patch things up, he saw us with Scary Movie 1, 2, 3 and 4. The point is, Jean-Claude can’t take all the blame in this relationship. We’ve both made a lot of mistakes.
I’ve decided to go back to Jean-Claude, determined to make it work. But can his latest straight-to-DVD movies and I rekindle the spark we had back when he first dipped his fists in broken glass and it made me grow a beard? Or when he used the Dim Mak to explode a brick he wasn’t even fucking touching and Dr. Karate appeared on my shoulder as a special friend only I could see? Or when every second of Hard Target made my girlfriend pregnant.
Before we start, the film secrets of Jean-Claude Van Damme are extremely dangerous in the wrong hands. Because of this, analysis of his film has to be carefully encoded. Please cut out these official JCVD data decoding funglasses out and apply them to your head. In fact, take out the word “please.” If you don’t do it, your eyes will only see a series of shapes that will tell your brain to die, so quit screwing around.
Now that you can gaze upon it without going mad, I will be using the standard Van Dammeter for each DVD. It’s the standardized system I developed to measure the Van Dammajesty of any movie, except ones without Jean-Claude Van Damme in them. It’s a scale from one to 10 that takes into consideration all of the important qualities of a picture. Naked, muscly ass with or without an excuse? Is the romantic lead a sassy female reporter? Is there a muddy fight in the rain, with everything on the line? And of course, splits. Other criteria are also taken into consideration but you’d have to wear five sets of goggles to even read a description of how complicated they are. I’m risking a lot with even how much I’ve said already.
Imagine this: Nothing survives the apocalypse except for Jean-Claude Van Damme DVD boxes. All future communication and society would be based on the plotlines of his movies. That’s the only, but valid, reason I invented this system to quickly categorize a JCVD plotline. All his plots fall into one of five funegories.
A: Revenge over a lost loved one drives Jean-Claude Van Damme into karate-filled circumstances.
B: On the run from the law, military or mafia, Van Damme flees to karate-filled circumstances.
C: Jean-Claude Van Damme is unwillingly involved in karate-filled circumstances by a second Jean-Claude Van Damme.
D: This movie is a rehashing of a different movie, only now it stars Jean-Claude Van Damme.
E: If the film’s plot is described by E, this simply indicates that it is profoundly insane.
Jean-Claude Van Damme as… Ben Archer, a bouncer who kicks ass first and talks never.
The Villain: Ben Archer’s wife works for INS, and after finding a container filled with Chinese immigrants, she brings one home with her. Now, what she doesn’t know is that this is the daughter of international criminal Sun Quan, played by Simon Yam (Naked Killer 2). You might not recognize that movie because it was also distributed with the title Legal Rape, and then again as Raped by an Angel. Then finally as just Super Rape. In the film industry, starring in a movie called three different kinds of rape is what’s called “a triple threat.”
Plot: Sometimes people in movies can do crazy things like train oil drillers to be astronauts or decide child custody cases through arm wrestling contests, and it’s okay because movies are stupid. But in Wake of Death, the Super Rape of American cinema, there are realistic consequences to things as stupid as an immigration officer stealing an alien from her office. Within 30 minutes, Sun Quan kills Jean-Claude’s wife. You know what that means, Sun Quan. Killing Jean-Claude’s wife was your first mistake; not wearing a cup was your LAST mistake. Fun with Science: Every time someone types that last sentence, a gas station explodes.
Cinematography: Now you have to realize that this is not only not a classic JCVD movie, it’s barely even a movie. Hours pass between action scenes, and after JCVD’s wife dies, there’s no one left alive that talks. It’s like an uncompromising exploration of cinematic violence as art. No car is crashed without a visual metaphor and 40 crane shots. Knocking on a door in Wake of Death requires 15 camera setups and twice as many jump cuts. I can’t tell if Jean-Claude is working with a brilliant cinematographer or the International Society for Triggering Epileptic Seizures.
Dialogue: When tracking down your wife’s killer, a normal movie would have you interrogate someone, and their words would create information depending on what order they were put in. Sometimes we call this “language.” In Wake of Death, it goes like this: Jean-Claude and his friends tazer someone who might know where Sun Quan is, and everyone screams Chewbacca sounds while he’s tied to a chair and power-drilled. Then they put the film into a blender with a bottle of ketchup. My working theory is that Wake of Death was made as a way to sneak jerkoff material to serial killers in prison.
Editing: Action scenes are more complicated than you might think to edit together. One wrong move, and the audience has no idea where the other gunfighters are in relation to the hostages or, if you’re lucky, the Terminator robots and Krull blades. When the editing is in the hands of someone who might suddenly spend 20 seconds doing a self-indulgent deliberation on the light contrast between brain matter and floor tile, you’ll be so goddamn lost. By the time Wake of Death is done with an action scene, it feels like your brain has been fleeing from a gorilla attack in an art museum. Or as Simon Yam knows it, the plot of Super Rape 2: Let’s Go Bananas.
Sample Script:
INT. Strip Bar - Night
A crane shot spins around BEN ARCHER as he steps over the pool of blood flowing from the dismembered hooker bodies. His shadow trickles across their tits and liquid remains like a ghost.
INSERT: A closeup of BEN ARCHER’S EYE reflects the grim scene. In his pupil, an image of his wife’s butchered body dissolves in, flying on the body of a raven… a symbol for the soul’s unrest that is not lost on Ben Archer.
BEN ARCHER
“Shit the fuck. Mumble.”
BACK TO SCENE: Framed by the foreground naked legs of a stripper corpse, 20 gunmen drive through the wall in a motorcycle with 19 sidecars. The camera follows one piece of wall shrapnel on its lonely flight to the gory floor below. So like BEN ARCHER it is… its purpose gone, yet its destiny so defined.
SLOW MOTION PAN: The chunk clatters to the floor, the ripping sounds of strip bar gunfire its only eulogy. The focus pulls to a tit behind it exploding. A children’s choir sings… FADE TO BEN ARCHER’S ASS fucking tenderly in the moonlight, his cheeks clenching against one another so powerfully that the crack threatens to ignite. A raven crows!!!
Jean-Claude Van Damme as… Phillippe Sauvage, an Iraq veteran plagued with Iraq flashbacks.
The Name: How did filmmakers make it all the way to 2006 without anyone thinking of the name The Hard Corps? That’s like logging onto the Internet tomorrow and realizing the domain name puddingfarts.com is available. Or being the guy who invented the barbed wire tattoo… it’s so simple and clever that you’re sure someone must have already done it.
The movie itself might not live up to the title. The Hard Corps is about a former boxer turned business mogul and the rapper determined to kill him. If the Deadliest Warrior did an episode where the historical figures of George Foreman and Suge Knight met in the field of battle, this would be the movie based on it. And George Foreman gets a Jean-Claude Van Damme on his team.
The Rapper Factor: Jet Li and Steven Segal both revitalized their American careers by sharing the spotlight with rappers like Mos Def and DMX. But fuck that. Jean-Claude Van Damme only shares the spotlight with one man: a second Jean-Claude Van Damme. So despite its hip-hop theme and almost entirely African American cast, it’s as approachable to the hip-hop community as a haunted hockey game at Burning Man.
A Strange Twist: The boxer hires former soldier JCVD to protect him from the rapper, and here’s where it gets insane. Instead of letting Jean-Claude put together a trained security force, he has to select from random people at the gym. If you’re hoping there’s a good reason for this, you’ve got to be fucking kidding. If the Beyonder teleported the gym to Battleworld and told them to pick teams for the Barbecue of Destiny ribs cookoff, it would make about as much sense in relation to the rest of the screenplay.
JCVD, accustomed to madness, is unfazed by this assignment. He selects a small Asian man doing shitty taekwondo and another guy doing capoeira cartwheels. And a cowboy. I think in the director’s cut he also gets an Eskimo and a teenwolf, who fit together to form a truck. He almost overlooks a miniature kickboxing girl until she proves she can fight by standing toe-to-toe with Jean-Claude’s kneecaps and wildly missing with 300 punches in a row. Keep in mind that JCVD is an actor and a martial artist, the two tiniest genres of people aside from chocolate factory workers and shrink ray victims. So the fact that she came up to his waist means she is negative two-feet tall. And now she’s on the Hard Corps.
Or is She? After a 15 second montage of the Hard Corps training, nearly all of them are never seen again.
Screenwriter: “Jean-Claude, I can’t help but notice that there are all of a sudden a bunch of random martial artists in the middle of the script. Did you paste in a couple pages of Bloodsport?”
JCVD: “You can have dat… free of chirge.”
Screenwriter: “Great, but it really screws up OWW! You punched me in the balls!!!”
Jean-Claude Van Damme as… Detective Anthony Stowe, worst cop ever.
Challenge: After starring as two different people in so many films, JCVD may have gotten cocky about his acting chops. But can even he carry a movie without a single good guy and no splits?
I Swear to God, This is Really the Plot: The first thing JCVD does is screw up an undercover art smuggling sting and get his female partner killed. Then he kicks the hell out of her mourning husband. He blows off a date with his wife to drink alone in a bar where he and a barfly discover that he’s a cop and she’s a hooker. “I won’t charge you if you won’t charge me,” he tells her, right before it cuts to him pounding her over a pool table. To give you the moral barometer of the film, that’s the only line in the movie that doesn’t have the word fuck in it.
It Doesn’t Stop: He pulls out as she shouts after him, “I don’t care if you’re a fucking cop! You’re not a fucking human being!” He tells a valet to fuck off as he parks illegally at a karaoke bar where his wife tells him she’s pregnant with another man’s baby. I think he mumbles something about fucking birth control, but between the anger and him being Jean-Claude Van Damme no one will ever know for sure. I did understand him when he growled, “Don’t try to fuck the valet on the way out. Fuck.” Mirroring much of his early work, it seems to be the first screenplay written entirely during painful dick accidents.
Whew. He beats the crap out of two tow truck operators trying to tow his car, buys and injects heroin, then passes out by a dumpster. The next day, he rats out a retiring cop for asking for a harmless favor. After he loses his pension and almost shoots himself, JCVD tells him, “You deserve it.” By this point, I’m sure they made this movie only because it’s illegal to film a baby panda being slowly punched to death.
You’re a Loose Cannon! In most cop movies, the police chief hates you, and the mayor is always up his ass about it. In this movie, it’s “Good morning, scotch-soaked heroin addict with a dead partner! Here’s a special assignment!” Well, surprise: Van Damme blows it. A few minutes later, he gets executed with a gunshot to the head.
The End, Right? In a gruesome ER scene, doctors manage to keep the worst character to ever live alive. As they pull the bullet out of Van Damme’s head, it’s strangely realistic. Maybe too realistic. I wouldn’t put it past the monsters who made this movie if they just killed one of his stuntmen. Which might explain why several of the steaks that craft services put out the next day had tattoos.
Let’s Recover From a Coma, Gang! Since no one in this movie is nice, his wife’s new boyfriend mocks Van Damme’s recovery with, “From asshole to vegetable in one bullet!” Van Damme slowly relearns how to walk and talk, and I intend no insult when I say that he performs not knowing how to do these things very well. In fact, I’d say “Recovering Coma Guy” was the role he was born for if he hadn’t already played “Gay Karate Man” in Monaco Forever and “Timecop” in Timecop.
Spoiler Alert You know in John Woo movies when the two adversaries hold a gun to each other’s heads? If you’re like me, you’ve always wondered what would happen if they both pulled the trigger. Until Death answers that question, and it turns out that it’s Duh. I guess I shouldn’t have expected a happy ending after 90 minutes of heroin and executions.
Jean-Claude Van Damme as… Jack Robideaux, a cop who counters his lack of personality by carrying a bunny.
Touchy Subject: When a cop is transferred to a border town and put in charge of keeping illegals out, a normal movie would have him start as a hard-nosed xenophobe that slowly empathizes with the hardships these proud people are trying to escape. Well, Jean-Claude doesn’t make normal movies– he kicks them until his leg breaks. In this movie about border crossing, he only meets two Mexicans, and neither time does it go well.
His First Mexican Encounter: Van Damme sees a group of illegals crossing the border, and tackles one. He’s wearing a C4 vest and trying to do something that sounds like talking but isn’t. Untrained in bomb disposal, Van Damme starts fiddling with wires, because why not? The bomb squad guy shows up and makes him go away, probably moments before he tried kicking it inert.
Dramatic Defusing! The bomb squad guy shouts, “It’s an optical fiber based CLC casing!” to Jean-Claude and several other people who wouldn’t know what that means. If he expected someone to say something about how smart he was, no one did, and he snips his first wire. Oops. He briefly exchanges with the Latin gentleman the international expression for “oh shit,” and dives away from him and his exploding chunks. It seems like the only real training he received in bomb school was the ability to awesomely somersault away from detonating Mexicans, so he might as well have let JCVD take a crack at it.
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October 15th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
With all of these advantages to van leasing, it is important to note that there are some disadvantages. The biggest one of those is that one does not actually own the van at any time. Even during the period that the individual is driving the van it is not theirs. It always remains the property of the leasing company.
September 27th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
I don’t know what made me laugh harder: Super Rape 2 or the content on http://www.puddingfarts.com (I was the 58th visitor! Yeah! I fuckin’ did it!)
August 25th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Anything that involves Jean-Claude Van Damme and the splits is hilarious in my book.
August 18th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
As someone who as seen to many Van Damme movies…I was dying laughing reading this. At work. Trying really hard to be quiet.
August 11th, 2009 at 4:36 am
It’s funny when none of those stupid Van-Damme movies make any sense! Nice work, as usual.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Fucking Hysterical. Very well written.
July 21st, 2009 at 3:44 pm
“Los buemos” doesn’t mean anything. Take it from somebody who speaks spanish. He was just trying to write something that sounded like spanish.
Although it could be, like somebody said, “nos vemos” (see ya)
July 16th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Ok, reading backwards through your posts youve redeemed yourself…..good production, but seriously, a 0 on the Vandammetron for “Until Death”? That sounds like the best movie EVER! I WILL watch it, and surely make cumzies in my panteloons.
July 16th, 2009 at 8:07 am
Holy 5hit. read this during a conference call at work and shat all overmyself. seanbaby=best addition to cracked staff since gladstone.
July 15th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Um, isn’t the idea for wake of death like exactly the same as The Transporter? Illegal immigration blah blah, chinese crime boss blah blah must save the girl. Oh and Jason Stratham killing people. And didn’t The Transporter come out a few years before wake of death?
July 13th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Los buemos is probably “spanish” for boom. . .
July 10th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Laughing in silence is really hard. This was hilarious, especially since my mom had a huge crush on JCVM when I was growing up.
July 8th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Buemos? you mean “vemos” which means roughly translated; “we’ll see each other later”
July 6th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
What the hell does “los buemos” mean?!?!
July 5th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
AHHHHH!!! MY BALLS!!!
July 4th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
I used to date a guy who looked exactly like JCVD. His punches were like the kisses of cherubs.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:39 pm
hehehe
Seanbaby is very talented, despite what forbl says. never seen nor will see any of these films but chuckled the whole way through. Keep it up Sean!
July 2nd, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Tried too hard and was too long. Seanbaby is still the least talented writer on this site.
Despite all that, there were one or two good jokes in there.
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:35 am
my friend recommented me an intereting place ____SugarDaddyChat.com —it is the best dating site for sexy beautiful women and rich men
June 30th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
hahaha oh man - this was fucking hilarious. One of the funniest things I’ve read!
June 30th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
In the film industry, starring in a movie called three different kinds of rape is what’s called “a triple threat.”
…laughed like fuck at this.
Guffaw indeed.
Brilliant
June 30th, 2009 at 4:21 am
“If you’re hoping there’s a good reason for this, you’ve got to be fucking kidding. If the Beyonder teleported the gym to Battleworld and told them to pick teams for the Barbecue of Destiny ribs cookoff, it would make about as much sense in relation to the rest of the screenplay.”
That’s one of the funniest things I’ve read in months.
June 29th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Great article, but it kinda seemed like you got bored writing it towards the end, could’ve use a concluding paragraph.
June 29th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Holy shit, Raped By An Angel is a REAL friggin movie?
I’m not sure if that makes this article more or less funny.
Either way, a brilliant read.
June 28th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
“Or as Simon Yam knows it, the plot of Super Rape 2: Let’s Go Bananas.”
There actually WAS a sequel to that movie - four of them in fact. They are Raped by an Angel 2 - 5, but Simon Yam wasn’t in any of them. I’m not criticizing your lack of research as much as pointing out the fact that Hong Kong saw fit to make not one, not two, but FIVE movies with the title “Raped by an Angel”.
June 28th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Yeah, I think this article made my balls explode! Terrific stuff.
“I think in the director’s cut he also gets an Eskimo and a teenwolf, who fit together to form a truck.”
Love it!
June 28th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
Agree with Memphis.
June 28th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Funniest writer on this site.
June 28th, 2009 at 9:31 am
You should really know what you’re talking about before you speak, RRA.
Seanbaby has had a long-standing love/hate relationship with JCVD for years and years. If you knew anything about his writing history then you’d understand.
Also, how does respecting a genre make your writing about it any more or less funny? Just taking the time to watch these garbage movies is an accomplishment in it’s own right.
I don’t know what insane monster world you come from where loving crappy movies eqates to being a better writer. On Earth we just refer to loving crappy movies as being an utter moron.
June 25th, 2009 at 9:09 am
tl;dr
June 25th, 2009 at 9:08 am
This was a boring article. You’re a boring, untalented writer.
June 25th, 2009 at 8:52 am
That’s the funniest article I’ve read… ever.
June 25th, 2009 at 8:41 am
Decent article, but if you’re going to rip off The Outlaw Vern, give him credit at least. The dude regularly reviews the actioneers Direct-to-DVD of Van Damme and everyone else on a regular basis.
And more than anything else, Vern always respects the genre for what it is. Even if that genre can be rather idiotic and low-blow in creativity at times, especially on DTV, Vern still defends action cinema…which is probably his shit are funnier than yours. As a fan, he knows and points out the nonsense…but he still loves it, when it’s deserved.
June 25th, 2009 at 8:34 am
I don’t think I have seen an article I haven’t laughed at from you sb. I’ve been very happy w/ your work since you joined Cracked. Thanks for the laughs!
June 25th, 2009 at 8:31 am
Damn it, pudding farts is taken.
June 25th, 2009 at 8:29 am
I’ve been visiting this site for quite a while, and never once have I thought, “Writing for Cracked would be cool.”
Until now. Bravo for finally taking away the last shreds of motivation I had to become, like, something.
June 25th, 2009 at 8:28 am
JCVD: “You can have dat… free of chirge.”
Screenwriter: “Great, but it really screws up OWW! You punched me in the balls!!!”
Best article ever.
June 25th, 2009 at 8:26 am
date rich men and celebrities, meet your classy half on _classymingle.com_ the place make your dream come ture!
June 25th, 2009 at 8:20 am
“Killing Jean-Claude’s wife was your first mistake; not wearing a cup was your LAST mistake.”
*BOOM*
Sweet!!
June 25th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Holy God this was awesome
June 25th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Years ago I used to read your articles about shitty video games in Electronic Gaming Monthly. You were the only reason I bought that magazine. Now, seanbaby in all his glory, writes articles on the Internet and I fucking love it. This was incredible, thank you.
June 25th, 2009 at 8:01 am
“the only real training he received in bomb school was the ability to awesomely somersault away from detonating Mexicans”
Brilliant. Absolutely hilarious.
June 25th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Quite funny article. Consistently good performance for weeks now, Seanbaby.
June 25th, 2009 at 7:57 am
I don’t know what you guys are talking about, but Wake Of Death was pretty awesome. Above average cinematography, interesting story (seriously, isn’t everything more interesting when you throw the mob in?) and lots of old school “tough guy” posturing.
Besides “J.C.V.D.”, it’s the only movie he didn’t sleepwalk through….probably the most entertaining work JCVD has done in the last decade
June 25th, 2009 at 7:53 am
JCVD: “You can have dat… free of chirge.”
Jesus Christ. I laughed so fkn hard at this, brought me back to watching his god-awful/hilarious movies on basic cable every boring Saturday when I was little. Seanbaby truly captures the essence of JCVD.
June 25th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Holly shit, someone watched all those movies and survived!
Honestly though, J.C.V.D. movie was awesome. I was sad to learn Jean wasn’t joining up with Lundgren in Stallone’s “The Expendables” … would have been epic.
June 25th, 2009 at 7:35 am
The one handed guy in the picture for ‘Until Death’ looks like they used a Fleshlight for his right stump. Their special effects budget was so low they just had the guy put JCVD’s Fleshlight up his sleeve.
June 25th, 2009 at 7:31 am
That was maybe the greatest article i have ever read. Seanbaby, i’m going to make a clay idol of you and start praying to it; maybe periodically make sacrifces to it as well.
June 25th, 2009 at 7:21 am
HOLY FUCK, MAN!
I can’t read this in one sitting! I can’t not laugh at this!
You’re going to get me fired!
PURE BRILLIANCE.
June 25th, 2009 at 7:21 am
VanDamme is a pussy. He’s aging like fine milk.
At least this guy in the running for Capt. America has a spine! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/
VanDamme’s fav. for me is Bloodsport. Bad acting (as per usual) - good story.
AND TO ‘LOBSTER’ - Norris jokes are still funny… unlike you, Twat!
June 25th, 2009 at 7:05 am
I once found that new JCVD film on a DVD store near my house, but just now I feel the urge of actually buying it. Thanks seanbaby for telling me where to spend my hard-earned American dollars.
June 25th, 2009 at 6:56 am
Nobody likes Van Damme! Not Even Van Damme!
June 25th, 2009 at 6:54 am
I barely know who Van Damme is… and I still lol’d repeatedly. Seanbaby, your style is so over the top and awesome its like reading an explosion.
Now I understand why it’s called “Flying Blind on a Rocket Cycle”
PURE WIN
June 25th, 2009 at 6:54 am
This was the first time I had laughed really hard at something on Cracked in a while very funny
June 25th, 2009 at 6:53 am
Wow, just wow, a truly epic analysis of JCVD’s movies that probably never should have been done. The movies never should have been done and no human should ever have survived analyzing them which is why I posit that Seanbaby is a cyborg with the brain of Gene Siskel and the head of Rosie Greer.
Brilliant.
June 25th, 2009 at 6:52 am
I have VanDammeathon every July with a group of friends, a bunch of vodka, and four Van Damme movies. I have not yet seen Until Death, and it sounds like amazing fodder for the VanDammeathon drinking game.
This article was written for me!
June 25th, 2009 at 6:44 am
I love the guy, Seems he is famous on some tall dating place ____BigTalls.com___ where are many hot models and handsome guys. Many tall singles find their lovers there
June 25th, 2009 at 6:42 am
“My point is, he throws bullets around so carelessly, it feels like a movie adaptation of girls playing Halo.”
Ain’t that the fucking truth.
June 25th, 2009 at 6:40 am
What does “los buemos” mean?
June 25th, 2009 at 6:39 am
why doesn’t cracked provide a damn “print style” link for their articles like every other normal blog/news/article/etc site. it’s annoying not to be able to view this in a plain text, print friendly format.
sure got enough “link to this…” buttons.
June 25th, 2009 at 6:39 am
Brilliant stuff.
Hard Target is the best one he’s ever done, and even John Woo had to try really hard to make it work. In fact, Wilfred Brimley was a better actor than JCVD in that film, and so was that guy who played the Mummy in “The Mummy”, Bishop from Aliens, The smoking hot bitch who totally failed to get her tits out and the sassy black cop chick who had a part time job as a flak jacket, oh also the slow motion pigeons in the barn were better actors too.
Yet it was still a great film. And Kudos for mentioning Krull.
Glaive Power my man!
June 25th, 2009 at 6:38 am
Damnit. Alright seanbaby. You’ve converted me. This was funny.
“Shit the fuck. Mumble.”
June 25th, 2009 at 6:31 am
For me, this wasn’t one of Seanbaby’s better peices of work. It’s too much like all that Chuck Norris fun facts bullshit. However, I still laughed out loud several times, because even when Seanbaby isn’t funny, he’s funny.
June 25th, 2009 at 6:28 am
Entirely up to your usual level of genius, you’re really showing these jokers at Cracked how it’s done, great work!
June 25th, 2009 at 6:22 am
I had to go on imdb to look up like 90% of what seanbaby had written, just to make sure it’s extra fucked-up by being true.
Seeing Naked Killer 2’s alternate titles as actually Legal Rape, Raped by an Angel, and Super Rape blew my mind so hard a I needed a cigarette afterward.
June 25th, 2009 at 6:22 am
This was the first time I had laughed really hard at something on Cracked in a while. The articles lately have been amusing, but this one had some real laughs. Nice work!
June 25th, 2009 at 6:18 am
you really get the sense that he loves “Girl Spinning in Meadow Stock Footage Roll B006.”
LMFAO!
Spit coffee all over my computer after reading that.
Hilarious. Thanks
June 25th, 2009 at 6:13 am
Two fun facts:
1) Van Damme is not Chuck Norris, no matter how hard you use the same “jokes.”
2) Chuck Norris jokes are not funny any more.
June 25th, 2009 at 5:56 am
Yeah In Hell was good. That film was subtle. You could tell Van Damme was turning bad cos he grew a goatee and combed his hair back.
Great article, I’ve decided what box set I’m getting my girlfriend for her birthday.
June 25th, 2009 at 5:53 am
Every sentence of this article actually made ME pregnant.
June 25th, 2009 at 5:42 am
Dude! Bosses tend to question uncontrollable, riotous laughter coming from some random cube. You’ve got to tone it down before you get me fired.
Actually, screw them! Keep the hilarity coming.
June 25th, 2009 at 5:29 am
How about his movie titled “JCVD”? i think it was released in Belgium or somewhere.
June 25th, 2009 at 5:15 am
Jesus, this was good.
However…
You forgot In Hell. It was Undisputed, but in Russia. So, it was Undisputed II. Remarkably, JCVD plays a total pussy for the first 45 minutes.
Having money and time to waste in a Blockbuster is a bad, bad thing.
June 25th, 2009 at 5:12 am
Jesus Christ! I can’t decide if this is the best or worst thing that I’ve ever read
June 25th, 2009 at 5:07 am
“If you’re hoping there’s a good reason for this, you’ve got to be fucking kidding.”
Had me laughing so hard.
June 25th, 2009 at 4:54 am
The bitch below me doesn’t count, first Bitch! Oh and seanbaby this was awesome, all my co-workers are whispering something and looking over at me.
June 25th, 2009 at 4:22 am
very nice,, i heard many celebrities have a account on _____Meet Wea lthy com_____ “”"”"”, i.m doubt since i found her profile.. you can talk with them online, it’s awesome~~~