Concerned parents of America, a blight has infected our children with perversion and bloodlust, and it is our duty to stand against it. No, not gang violence, or street drugs. I’m talking about the digitized filth of video gaming, and particularly the latest travesty in a series of affronts to family values.
That’s right; I’m talking about Deadliest Catch: Alaskan Storm.
Now, I know many of you grew up in the era when video games didn’t fill the player with an insatiable urge to hump and kill things, all the while “tripping on balls.”
There was a time when the worst you could expect was to see a frog get crushed by a truck, and after watching this year’s crop of toads destroy my wife’s herb garden, I wouldn’t be too unhappy if kids imitated those games.
But today games aren’t all PacMoon and Man Patrol. Today, games like Deadliest Catch (I believe a reference to Herpes Simplex II) teach our kids to drink hot blood and put their penises into holes God never meant there to be penises in. Like mouths.
Some of my detractors have said that I have no right to judge a game before playing it. Well let me tell you something: I can judge whatever I want. You’re a heathen. See? I did it right there.
And there’s no way in Heck you’re going to use your devil-logic to trick me into actually playing one of these monuments to pagan impulse. I don’t want to end up baying naked in a field, manually pleasuring myself while my friend chokes me with a controller cable.
Which is exactly what your son or daughter will do if you let them even see the cover of this game. In fact, if you’re under 18, do yourself a favor and DON’T look immediately to the right of this text. Otherwise you risk killing your family and making love to the still-warm corpses.
And that includes the game title; don’t read it! If you ask me, even the words themselves are unfit for children. Alaskan Storm? Why not just call the game Deadliest Catch: Bukkake and be done with it?
This game is all that is wrong with the world. How do I know without playing? Simple; I observe. I watch the news. I see the world around me get worse and worse, school shootings rise and rise, kids having sex younger and younger, my own children calling me things like “out of touch” and “fear mongering.”
And at the same time—the same exact time—I see that video games are also being made and distributed. How long would you ask me to ignore the plain facts?!
Violence. Sex. And video games. All existing simultaneously, by sheer coincidence? I doubt it! It’s called correlation, and it’s science.
Not to mention the first-hand evidence I get every day listening to my own children! I made the grave error of allowing my 16-year-old to go to a friend’s house without my full supervision (last time I make that mistake!), and lo and behold he comes home saying things like “you wouldn’t believe how many crabs I got today” and “a hook, right to the mouth. That’s how you get them.”
I can only imagine he’s describing making love to a prostitute, then killing her with a massive meat hook. And if that’s the kind of “virtual experience” Deadliest Catch is delivering to our youngsters, you can count me out!
It’s time for parents to band together, crush these filth mongers, and reclaim our kids! Let’s take a page from President Bush’s playbook and preemptively strike! Judge before playing, condemn before understanding, and be afraid of things that you think may be happening. It’s the way our country’s been run for the last eight years, and if you ask me it’s the only way to keep our daughters from injecting crack into their nipples.
In the meantime, I’ll be confining my children’s video gaming to good, wholesome religious games like this Halo I’ve been hearing about.
Yours truly,
Jack Thompson
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael tries to catch up on episodes of Peep Show as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- If You Wanna Make An Omelette, You Gotta Let Some Kids Get Molested - November 13th, 2008
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- The 7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming - November 7th, 2008
- If McCain's Concession Speech Was As Bitter As His Campaign - November 6th, 2008
- Class War! A Handy Guide - October 30th, 2008
October 16th, 2008 at 5:09 am
i have to agree that the deadliest catch game is a bigger threat than gta iv but for totally different reasons. I’m all for banning games that celebrate bad tv, particularly reality tv. The last thing i want is more reality in my entertainment, why else would i be on cracked.com if not for that reason. The banality behind even making a deadliest catch game (besides the one we played as kids with our lawn darts) …. i shudder as i imagine shelves full of american idol and survivor:yemen, and then wonder if its really any worse than the bulk of whats currently on the shelves…
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:41 am
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June 4th, 2008 at 9:57 am
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May 4th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Swaim, the fact you referenced Peep Show makes me want to break down in tears of joy.
You guys got the 5th series yet?
May 2nd, 2008 at 8:03 am
listen to this guys radio interview on PBR , there is a link on G4tv.com where he says that he is working with the cops to ban the game but won’t tell who they are. Adam Seslar from X-play puts him down good.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:28 pm
I love when old people feel threatened by things they know nothing about.
May 1st, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Funny I heard it as monkey’s Q-tip.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:51 am
That’s enough out of you, Michael. One more word and you get the business end of Monkey’s Cudgel! (That’s what Mrs.glendoor42 calls it; I didn’t even know she could speak Italic.)
May 1st, 2008 at 10:26 am
kingmonkey+1…
Your name is a clear referrence to the Chinese folklore hero Monkey King, who with his sidekick fat pig man, serve the queer lotus prince. If anything you are the blasphemous degenerate.
May 1st, 2008 at 7:52 am
I would really like to give this guy a good hook in the mouth.
And I mean my fist. Not a penis.
May 1st, 2008 at 7:09 am
Word up, son.
May 1st, 2008 at 1:33 am
wait, what? no fair! i get paid on the 6th!
May 1st, 2008 at 1:11 am
You tell me Mrs.glendoor42’s “special friend from the North” apparently in her diary she
she refers to you as the Nor’easter.
Now I hope you are really sure about this rapture thing coming on next Tuesday because I just charged $2500 worth of ammo, booze and condoms to my Amex card.
April 30th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
Is that really a “make amends list,” glendoor42, or a craigslist?
April 30th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
I missed the meeting or memo where we were told to reply to a particular persona by using the following format: “@penis Hey dude…” Whatever happened to “Penis: hey dude…”?
April 30th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
where can I see this slander on video… it makes me giggle when I see idiots talking about shit they don’t know anything about.
April 30th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Possibly the best article ever.
Well done.
You deserve a gold star.
April 30th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
LOL I pity his children XD
April 30th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
I love cracked and all but Jesus Christ this Jack Thompson stuff is more played out than Bush jokes, it’s like the virgin gamers rallying call or something.
Good article though.
April 30th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
@ kingmonkey+1 Well no that can’t be right because that would put two Wayne Gladstoneson my kill… uh… make amends with list.
Good article Swaim.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
@WOC, John Bruce “Jack” Thompson, AKA, JT, AKA Jacko, AKA Jacksauce, AKA Reactionist Douche, is THE go-to guy for when FOX News needs someone to talk about the 1st ammendment or a school shooting occurs. He is one step lower than Hitler on the evil scale (only because JT is so incompoetent). Whenever Rockstar releases a game, he is there on his soapbox, spewing his rhetoric about how evil video games are. He tried to get Bully, a T rated game, banned for sale in Florida. He annoys the fuck out of law enforcement and the judicial system. His trial with the Florida Bar Association is awaiting a verdict (where he will be metaphorically raped up the ass), and the FBI have officially said that they will not even read the emails he sends to them (at least 50 a day)
April 30th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Hahaha. Thompson’s such a tool. I laughed out loud at this. Good read, good read.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
I must agree. I said it out loud in a Russian accent and it was a great chuckle.
Great article, Swaim, kudos on the Thompson Poking.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
glendoor42, I live in Maine, and my real name is Wayne Gladstone.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
@ JT: Your comment is improved immeasurably if you imagine it being said in a thick Russian accent.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
@ kingmonkey+1 Week of absolution my ass, I got about forty people I got to fuck or kill, depending on where they are at on the list. I hope I don’t get them confused. That would be embarrassing. I know, I can separate them by who has slept with my wife.
But don’t worry kingmonkey, Mrs.glendoor42 considers you like family( which is pretty sick when you think about it ) and would be devastated if anything happened to you. So …uh…
where in Casnadia did you say were at,……. old buddy?
April 30th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
whothe fuck is jack thompson? i thought he was some stoner guitarist or something
April 30th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
You dont need to catch crabs in the Bering Sea. Just come to my old ladies underwear drawer. Filled with crabs, my friend !!!
April 30th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
For the record, you don’t catch crab with hooks. You catch them with pots. According to the ‘devil box’ watching I’ve been doing since I left the godly confines of my parents’ home to the heathen environment of college, this works best when you have a chainsmoking Norwegian crew that constantly use Our Lord’s name in vain…I watch because the Lord’s vengeance is swift and once in a while someone dies an icy death in the vast Bering Sea.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Holy crap! A Peep Show plug! Awesome!
April 30th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
I’ve heard of this game from my dog’s former owner’s barber’s friend (a very credible source!) that this game features hours of sexual content and is full of innuendo! Just look at the fish’s mouths! They practically incite oral orgies wherever they are seen! Surely, this game deserves an AO rating! I’m off to call FOX!
Sincerely,
Cooper Lawrence
April 30th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
the king crab reference makes me want some japanese food
April 30th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Why would you go to work? Dude, it’s THE RAPTURE. Take the day off. Better yet, tell your boss to go eat a bag of dicks.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:37 am
But that’s the day after May Day (or Cinco De Mayo, whatever). Is God really going to wipe out the whole of human civilisation after we, in the west, have had a nice day of relaxation/drinking and are just heading back to work?
That’s plain mean.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:33 am
You know, maybe taking the lord’s name in vain isn’t the best way to start your week of absolution.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Tuesday at 8:30!!!!!!!????? Jesus Fucking Christ I got shit to do!!!!!!!!
April 30th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Liam, Cracked is not ridiculing Mr. Thompson. He is a paragon of virtue, and stands as one of the few bastions holding back a tide of blasphemous degeneration that stands to seduce and corrupt our innocent youth. It’s true, unarguably true, that no violence ever existed before video games. If you try to deny that, then clearly you are a godless, sodomite who will be struck down when the Rapture occurs (next Tuesday, 08.30 am, Eastern Time).
Ryan, correlation is not causation? What kind of heathen magic are you trying to cast? Stop speaking in tongues, spawn of Satan.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:49 am
I’ve watched the show that game is based on…bunch of dudes out on the ocean by themselves sleeping in the same room and coming back with crabs that measure a foot and a half wide! Great God, is there no end to the depravity?
April 30th, 2008 at 10:41 am
I love when parents get worked up. It’s an 18 plus game, the fuck are you letting your kids play 18 plus games for? It tends to rule all arguments as academic once you realise that.
Oh and JCatt, was it as good as those Resident Evil games? They were so wacky, what with those cooky neighbours who just wouldn’t leave, and having to hunt through their spooky, haunted evil ‘residence’ haha what fun!
April 30th, 2008 at 10:20 am
That Halo game - just awesome. What with the angels flying around and the wrath of God and all.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Damn you Ryan, I was going to say that. Now I’ve got nothing,
April 30th, 2008 at 9:56 am
Correlation is not Causation. Yay! I just refuted Jack’s anti-logic! w00t
April 30th, 2008 at 9:23 am
What, this too stupid to be alive guy is fucking GTA again? Oh come on, this joke is so old,it’s barely funny now (unless showed by cracked. Then it’s real funny). Where was Jack when GTA and GTA2 and MINESWEEPER raped and killed my childhood? Huh? What about all those people that i shot in the nose while playing SWAT3? Where were you, Jack?
April 30th, 2008 at 9:10 am
Hmmm….. something about this seems fishy
April 30th, 2008 at 9:02 am
I think Thompson is a closeted homosexual. He said “Man Patrol” when I think he ment “Moon Patrol.” Slip of the tongue lets the truth come out. (Did you see what I did there? The subtle word play.)
April 30th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Thank you so much for putting this up. Given what a scourge Thompson is to the gaming and web community as a whole, it’s about time Cracked started poking fun at him (even if it will satisfy his attention-whoring).