Concerned parents of America, a blight has infected our children with perversion and bloodlust, and it is our duty to stand against it. No, not gang violence, or street drugs. I'm talking about the digitized filth of video gaming, and particularly the latest travesty in a series of affronts to family values.
That's right; I’m talking about Deadliest Catch: Alaskan Storm.
Now, I know many of you grew up in the era when video games didn’t fill the player with an insatiable urge to hump and kill things, all the while “tripping on balls.”
There was a time when the worst you could expect was to see a frog get crushed by a truck, and after watching this year's crop of toads destroy my wife’s herb garden, I wouldn’t be too unhappy if kids imitated those games.
But today games aren’t all PacMoon and Man Patrol. Today, games like Deadliest Catch (I believe a reference to Herpes Simplex II) teach our kids to drink hot blood and put their penises into holes God never meant there to be penises in. Like mouths.
Some of my detractors have said that I have no right to judge a game before playing it. Well let me tell you something: I can judge whatever I want. You’re a heathen. See? I did it right there.
And there’s no way in Heck you’re going to use your devil-logic to trick me into actually playing one of these monuments to pagan impulse. I don’t want to end up baying naked in a field, manually pleasuring myself while my friend chokes me with a controller cable.
Which is exactly what your son or daughter will do if you let them even see the cover of this game. In fact, if you're under 18, do yourself a favor and DON'T look immediately to the right of this text. Otherwise you risk killing your family and making love to the still-warm corpses.
And that includes the game title; don't read it! If you ask me, even the words themselves are unfit for children. Alaskan Storm? Why not just call the game Deadliest Catch: Bukkake and be done with it?
This game is all that is wrong with the world. How do I know without playing? Simple; I observe. I watch the news. I see the world around me get worse and worse, school shootings rise and rise, kids having sex younger and younger, my own children calling me things like “out of touch” and “fear mongering.”
And at the same time—the same exact time—I see that video games are also being made and distributed. How long would you ask me to ignore the plain facts?!
Violence. Sex. And video games. All existing simultaneously, by sheer coincidence? I doubt it! It’s called correlation, and it’s science.
Not to mention the first-hand evidence I get every day listening to my own children! I made the grave error of allowing my 16-year-old to go to a friend’s house without my full supervision (last time I make that mistake!), and lo and behold he comes home saying things like “you wouldn’t believe how many crabs I got today” and “a hook, right to the mouth. That’s how you get them.”
I can only imagine he’s describing making love to a prostitute, then killing her with a massive meat hook. And if that’s the kind of “virtual experience” Deadliest Catch is delivering to our youngsters, you can count me out!
It’s time for parents to band together, crush these filth mongers, and reclaim our kids! Let’s take a page from President Bush’s playbook and preemptively strike! Judge before playing, condemn before understanding, and be afraid of things that you think may be happening. It’s the way our country’s been run for the last eight years, and if you ask me it's the only way to keep our daughters from injecting crack into their nipples.
In the meantime, I’ll be confining my children’s video gaming to good, wholesome religious games like this Halo I’ve been hearing about.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael tries to catch up on episodes of Peep Show as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!