Cracked Columnists

It's the Most Grobanful Time of the Year

jogrobnoel.jpgLet's face it---summer is over. The beach balls have been put away, the sand cleaned from your Real Doll's crevices, sun-dappled memories of seaside love have given way to restraining orders and police visits, and autumn has arrived, bringing with it that most undesired stretch of calendar: celebrity Christmas album release season.

Christmas joy arrives early this year for millions of Josh Groban fans as 143/Warner/Reprise Records announces the release of 'Noel,' the artist's long anticipated classic recording of holiday songs... The collection of holiday songs on 'Noel' include such classics as "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" with Josh on acoustic piano, "Silent Night", "Little Drummer Boy", "O Come All Ye Faithful" with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and "Ave Maria"... In addition, the haunting version of "I'll Be Home For Christmas" features messages from troops stationed overseas. "I was inspired by all the Christmases I've been fortunate enough to celebrate with my family over the last 26 years," commented Groban.

Oh---that was "Christmas joy" I felt arriving! I thought it was unimaginable horror coupled with a raging urinary tract infection, but the sensations are so similar, you can understand why I might be mistaken.

In any case, if you're looking for ways to ring in the pre-holiday cheer until Mr. Groban's fresh droppings are available, please consider the following activities, which are guaranteed to be almost as much fun:

* making a delicious frozen dessert out of yellow snow;

* ramming candy canes into your eye-sockets;

* chowing down on a box of glass Christmas balls;

* watching hundreds of hours of barely-legal reindeer porn;

* roasting Josh Groban over an open fire; or

* getting molested by Santa Claus (again).

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