Ali Lohan, sister to actress-turned-trainwreck Lindsay, auditioned for a movie where a porn producer just happened to be present, and everyone’s absolutely losing their shit over it. Responsible parents everywhere are directing their collective shit-less anger at Ali’s horse-faced mom/manager Dina. The general consensus, it would seem, is that everyone is outraged by the fact that Dina would allow her precious, jailbait-lawsuit-waiting-to-happen daughter to be in the same room as a porn producer, (”pornducer”), let alone audition for him.
Dina, just as outraged, is practically braying with rage and embarrassment. She assures everyone that neither she nor Ali knew that they happened to be auditioning in the presence of the visionary director behind Breast Wishes 14 and Bun Busters 12, (widely accepted as the Citizen Kane of ass-to-mouth). The argument is that Ali was merely auditioning for a non-porn movie and, as such, assumed there would be no need for the involvement of anyone associated in the porn industry. It is nothing but a total freak coincidence that puts them in the same room together. (While Dina happened to be filming her TV show for the E! Network.)
The public, naturally, is finding this “accident” story a little hard to swallow, but I can tell you, from firsthand experience, that accidentally auditioning for pornography is incredibly easy to do. So, I’m here to clear Ali and Dina’s name, (and to, perhaps, coerce Dina into letting me enter her in next year’s Kentucky Derby).
I don’t care how hard you think it is to swallow, America. Open up, because you’re gonna swallow all of it.
The whole thing.
***
I remember it well. I was 16 at the time, hoping to get my first job waiting tables.
“Good luck, Honey. Come home a working man,” I remember Mamma O’Brien saying the day I left. There were tears of joy in her eyes as she wished her youngest son luck in his job-getting adventures. Somehow we both knew that, even though I’d always be her son, now that I was entering the work force, I was becoming a man. Things would never be the same.
I knew there was a Macaroni Grill within walking distance of my house, so the night before, I searched online to see if they were looking for any extra help. Now, you’ve got to remember, this was years ago: The internet wasn’t as finely tuned and organized as it is today. When I was 16, a Google search of Macaroni+Grill+Job could lead you to Macaroni Grill’s website, but it could just as easily lead you to directions and information regarding Macocroni Grill, a completely different affair. Did you notice how there’s a subtle, “coc” (short for “cock”) thrown in the middle of the word “Macaroni?”
Well, Google didn’t notice the trademark porn wordplay, and I didn’t either, so I downloaded the application and made an appointment for Macocroni Grill, sincerely believing that I was on my way to my first table-waiting job.
I really should have noticed something was wrong early on, to be honest. I mean, I was confused when I was instructed to meet in a smelly, poorly-lit basement for my interview instead of, say, a Macaroni Grill, but I didn’t want to question the decisions of the men I hoped would be my new bosses. And, yes, perhaps I should have been suspicious when they didn’t ask for references or prior work experience, but we can chalk that one up to youthful ignorance.
Also the application should’ve been a dead giveaway.
But what did I know? I was just a kid who wanted a job, so I didn’t say anything about the incredibly personal, oddly-obsessed-with-my-genitals application. And I didn’t even ask questions when our topic of conversation veered away from pasta pretty abruptly. Like, almost immediately. I believe our exact conversation went something like this:
DOB: Hey, thanks for seeing me, I won’t let you down. [Sly smile.] I hope I can pasta test. Get it? Pasta? Like “pass the”? Did you catch that? It’s a play on-
Director: Take your pants off.
DOB: Oh, okay, yes sir.
This was another one of those times when a warning flag should’ve shot right up but, time makes fools of us all, right?
The interview got stranger and stranger and several hours later, when I found myself neck-deep in asses and Alfredo sauce, it became clear that this was not Macaroni Grill, but instead Macocroni Grill, an adult film about a well-endowed pasta chef whose restaurant is in danger of being shut down and… Well, the details are sketchy, but the punch line is that he bones his way to economic stability. There’s also a pretty juicy subplot about the chef’s generously proportioned busboy, “Rigatoni ‘Tony’ Meatballs,” involving a health inspector and some durable cleaning supplies.
(I don’t want to give anything away, but Tony porks the health inspector in the supply closet.)
Long and sweaty story short, I don’t blame Dina or Ali Lohan for accidentally auditioning in front of a porn director and you shouldn’t either. You have no idea just how easy it is to stumble into the audition room of an adult film. One minute, you’re trying hard to memorize the ingredients to Carmela’s Chicken Rigatoni, and the next minute you’re wearing a false moustache and assuring your stone cold fox of a health inspector that you’d do anything to convince her not to shut down your boss’s restaurant, and you mean anything.
Last 5 posts by Daniel O'Brien
- This is Why You Don't Steal from Cracked - November 21st, 2008
- On Inauguration Day White People Can Finally Be Cool - November 14th, 2008
- Will You Marry Me, Kristen Wiig? - November 7th, 2008
- "WESTSIIIIIIIIIDE!": How to REALLY Talk to Cops - October 31st, 2008
- Leaked Excerpts from 15 Year-Old Miley Cyrus's "Memoir" - October 24th, 2008
November 9th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
sup
October 27th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
huh what? Someone trying to beat me at this rediculous game?
Well stop, you cant win.
Last.
October 18th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
I needed to comment to screw things up a bit.
October 1st, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Oh so I am last. Most definately.
September 19th, 2008 at 7:46 am
speed draw poker game…
saucy?Iowa stupidly,…
September 4th, 2008 at 1:01 am
Haha, probably the biggest reason I loved this blog entry is the fact that I just started working there about three weeks ago and I STILL don’t know what’s in Carmela’s Chicken Rigatoni… Except that there is Chicken, Rigatoni and a hint of Carmela.
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:06 am
oh so I’m last once again.
August 30th, 2008 at 2:39 am
No!!
August 25th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Last??
August 23rd, 2008 at 6:37 am
I must quote this
“So my wife gets home from work and we’re talking and she says what do you want for dinner tonight and I say I don’t know and she says how about Macaroni Grill.
I just busted out laughing and she got mad because I wouldn’t explain what I was laughing about and because I said was never eating at Macaroni Grill again.
True story.”
You made me laugh so hard i drooled. Gross, but it was that funny
August 20th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
LAST!
August 19th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Last?
August 16th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
That’s so mean! That horse is much prettier than Dina Lohan!
August 16th, 2008 at 8:58 am
omg. A photo of Ali Lohan. A photo of a horse with the caption ‘Dina Lohan’. BAD IMAGE! BAD image!
August 16th, 2008 at 12:44 am
Ok then I’m last.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
you cant shotgun last. you just have to be it.
and no penii (plural of penis?) can be last.
LAST DAMN IT!!!
August 14th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
Technically by your post my penis is last.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
I’ve never read this far down a comments section before. Is this what they all degenerate into?
If so, shotgun Last Last and Glendoor’s penis.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:03 am
and Metalbrainsurgery gets the LAST laugh because he spelled his name right.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
and then he says “SHIT!!!” because he mispelled his own name.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
glenndor42 looks left then right and looks straight and says “LAST”
August 12th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
oh and last
August 12th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Thanks kingmonkey+1, i should be recording today.
August 12th, 2008 at 7:53 am
Congratulations on being last, MBS. I got your message, but Soundclick is fucking with my head right now. Go ahead!
August 11th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
im just going to out LAST myself. 163
August 11th, 2008 at 11:01 am
im sorry was someone bitching about not being last?
ugh I can just come back to this next year and get the LAST word in.
August 11th, 2008 at 7:19 am
Last, dammit. Fool, I told you. No Glendoor I’m normally equipped. Nothing to brag about here. Except for being last, that is.
August 10th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
ofucku last
jay can not have it.
August 10th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Yeah, I saw that, made me lol.
August 10th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Sometimes we just have to accept and move on. That’s Why I’m going to be last on the other DOB blog.
August 10th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
I glad you see it that way DP13.
August 10th, 2008 at 9:41 am
Fine, Jay is last.
August 10th, 2008 at 1:16 am
Clarification…..kingmonkey has the tiny penis, I don’t know about Jay.
August 10th, 2008 at 1:13 am
and I still have a huge penis. But really Jay is last, kingmonkey+1 said so and has a tiny penis, Mrs. glendoor42 said so.
August 10th, 2008 at 12:13 am
Last.
Again.
Booya.
August 9th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
hot damn I am last indeed
August 9th, 2008 at 12:35 am
No, No, Jay was last.
August 8th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Last.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Fine you can be last, I will just be content with my huge penis.
And to clear up any confusion the huge penis is mine, it is attached to my body, I pee out it and use it to have sex,….. with women. This penis does not belong to any other man but myself. Mine, my penis., my extremely large member. Thank you.
August 8th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Why does anyone have to die? I’m just last, that’s all. Deal.
August 8th, 2008 at 9:06 am
“Jay is last, everybody.”
Who the hell are you to make these pronouncements, who died and made you King?
August 8th, 2008 at 8:58 am
Imaginary Last!!!!
August 8th, 2008 at 7:54 am
Jay is last, everybody.
Anyway, I still think you ought to consider a reboot of the Macocroni series, Dan-O. The modern p0rn industry is mostly lacking the creative charm that your series encapsulated.
August 8th, 2008 at 7:12 am
Real last, dingleberries.
August 8th, 2008 at 2:27 am
Ali has that nice ‘no spill’ bottom lip I find so attractive in teenaged skanks.
http://www.NeilsNotes.com
August 8th, 2008 at 2:05 am
Yeah you did it again, poor MBS. No 42 no last.
August 8th, 2008 at 1:42 am
Can’t we all just get along? Oops, I fucked things up for some, huh?
August 8th, 2008 at 1:02 am
alright glendoor42 you can have your 42 back, but I demand last.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:47 am
Last.
August 7th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
“and to, perhaps, coerce Dina into letting me enter her”
Bwahahaaa!!!
August 7th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
42, there hope you are happy, Oh wait you are not last again.
August 7th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
rawr last.
I want my damn 42.
August 7th, 2008 at 8:35 am
Oh, yeah, Jarlsberg monkey the first is my oldest son name so you can’t have that. I don’t know why Mrs. glendoor42 wanted to name him that, some hungarian thing I always figured.
August 7th, 2008 at 8:31 am
Yes, there really is a girl named Brie, spelled just like the cheese, though some people spell it Bree.
August 7th, 2008 at 8:15 am
People name their children after cheese, now? I can finally have a son named Tilset? Or Jarlsberg?
Yeah, Jarlsberg monkey the first. I’d call him Yarlie, for short.
August 7th, 2008 at 2:27 am
I ain’t against being with somebody a lot younger than me but I don’t think I could get away with it. My personality type does not attract younger people to me. I tend to talk at them and tell them what to do and see after their welfare( ARMY TRAINING SIR!!!)
I used to spend a lot of time in bars and I sure as hell don’t want to be the fucking old guy trying to socialize with women 15-20 years my junior. I would look like a fucking dork. It would be about like this
me ” Hi, you look familiar” her ” Oh hey Sergeant glendoor42! I should look familiar I’m Brie remember me?!!I used to come over to your house all the time and play with your daughter so and so. How is she, what are you doing here?” me “Leaving”
August 7th, 2008 at 1:36 am
Or the beers. And I agree with your treatise on older women on the other blog, but I still enjoy fucking young ones on the rare occasions I can do so without worrying about losing my house.
August 7th, 2008 at 1:35 am
The stars must be aligned.
August 7th, 2008 at 1:34 am
And oddly enuff, I hadn’t checked in since I posted last; what a coinkidink.
August 7th, 2008 at 1:33 am
And I’m still drunk, muthafuckaaaaaaaa!!!!!
August 7th, 2008 at 1:28 am
Well MBS according to the rule book you would have gotten 42nd had you been last, but
J-Pappi fucked that up for you AND I’M STILL 120TH!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH FOR ME!!!!!!!!
August 6th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
No way, ’cause now I’m drunk. Get ready to get busy, bee-yotches!
August 6th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
glendoor42, If I counted correctly, I have 42nd. I demand my number now.
*makes pteredactyle noise*
am I last yet?
August 6th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
You can have your first, because I have 120, of what I don’t know but soon Cracked.com will be sending me my prize. I understand it’s a major award.
August 6th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
FIRST.
August 6th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
121 is great and all , but nobody else is going to have 120, it is all mine, MINE!!HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
August 6th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Are you daring us Sargeant? ARE YOU!!?
121st. 121, sweet number, it’s a pallindrome and everything.
August 6th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
120th bitches HA!!!! nobody’s gonna beat that.
August 6th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
It’s not like she wasn’t going to end up naked and ashamed on TV evenutally; hell, she’s just skipping a few steps.
http://www.digitalfuntown.com/
August 6th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Caveman, if you’re gonna impregnate Dina you’d better hurry up, she’s getting a little long in the tooth. Ha! Yes, I went there with the horse pun; you bet I did.
August 6th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Geez, LAST is even more annoying than FIRST, because it goes on longer.
August 6th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Who’s last?
DP’s last.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:52 am
and I didn’t eat a dick, I had grits.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:51 am
First?
August 6th, 2008 at 10:41 am
La la la la la last.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:28 am
Last. Eat a dick, MBS.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:56 am
Last, eat a dick jay.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Hey, at least this comment robot is actually on topic.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:01 am
Is it just me or does cougarornot sound like a cheap ass go-bot.
August 6th, 2008 at 8:30 am
first last
August 6th, 2008 at 8:09 am
Fin.
August 6th, 2008 at 7:53 am
Nice discussion. We are chatting it with sexy hot cougars at Cougarlove.com, where single guys looking to meet rich older women who like younger men and sex. There cougars are all sexually predators, but men, willing preys. lol
August 6th, 2008 at 1:14 am
they’re gonna remake troll!?
SCORE
August 6th, 2008 at 12:21 am
I’d rather enter Dina Lohan in the vagina than in the kentucky derby. That way we could have a kid and pimp it to show biz for all it’s worth. I could be a new type of K-Fed-esque scumball genius.
August 5th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Thanks, youngrobert!
August 5th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
i’m just a-braying with giggles, sans horse-face..
who am i kidding: i’m practically mr. ed
without peanut butter
and with opposable thumbs.
oh yeah and your book kicks some ass dob.
i almost cried from laughing at the
‘going to remember the fucking shit out of it’ line
August 5th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
The most unbelieveable part of this post is how you used MS-NBC as a credible news source.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Hey! I saw Macocroni Grill! You were amazing in it, DOB! Good performance in the acting and the fucking. You really should have won an Adult Video News Award for your performance.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Goddamn…Carmela’s chicken rigatoni is good!
August 5th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I think “DOB’s Unwitting Adolescent Adventures In P0rnland” would be an awesome idea for a new HBO series (or Cartoon Network - Adult Swim anyway).
August 5th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
oh and kingmonkey+1 if you are reading this I responded to you’re email you sent me.
just to give you a heads up.
August 5th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Ya gotta love Japan.
August 5th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
DP: Cait Sith was a character in FF7, he was the token cutsey Anime-style piece of shit you get in every Final Fantasy game. He was a stuffed toy controlled by a cat with a megaphone.
August 5th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
So, did Ali get the part?
August 5th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
It does. I really like that format.
August 5th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Ain’t Goodfellas narrated like that, I mean, as if it all had already went down? Actually, I think Scorcese likes doing movies like that - Casino is also narrated in the past…It works wonderfully.
August 5th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
lastest
August 5th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
A lot of the jokes were in the monologue, so yeah. I can’t think of many movies that do things like that. First one off the top of my head is “Pie in the Sky”, where the main character narrates the events as if they already happened.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
45 minutes? Really? Maybe if you gave it a Kurosawa like rhythm….I’m guessing 30 minutes would be enough. Would you do the inner-monologues as voice overs? That would make it longer, but still, I don’t think 45 minutes…But then again, I never made a movie.
J.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Do we need Humphrey Bogart?
the only thing that wouldn’t be good for a movie that I noticed would be run time. I’d estimate about 45 minutes.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
I read the Bartender piece. It was pretty funny. But I don’t know if you could make a movie out of it, given Humphrey Bogart is dead…
J.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
haha. DP13 actually stands for DeathPenguin 13. My Xbox gamertag. A friend of mine made it up… I don’t know where it came from.
I’m actually going to be attending college for filmmaking, so… Yeah. Eventually I will be able to get Bartender on screen. Maybe not a big screen… But a screen.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Dan, you should learn by now: anyone who’s initials stand for double penetration is probably just going to screw you over in a movie deal.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Thanks DP! (DP’s talking about my free online book, folks.) And “movie?” Hah! If you have a whole lot of money, a director, a producer and a cast, I would gladly hand over the rights to get it made.
Do…do you have those things?
August 5th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
I have no idea what you’re talking about. So I googled “Cait.” I think I got the cat thing, but also a link to extreme bondage. Weird.
But DOB, since you’re on now. Bartender. Awesome. Movie?
August 5th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Yeah, Cait Sith thinks a giant stuffed cat toy is ‘ultimate’
Not even UltimateCloud or UltimateSephiroth, go hang your head in shame loser.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Thanks DP, I won’t listen to UltimaCaitSith. You can’t please everyone; some people just happen to think sex is an incredibly boring subject. I don’t understand these people, and I refuse to pander to their sick needs.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Don’t listen to UltimaCaitSith, Daniel. This was a really good article.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Wow, I actually stopped reading halfway through the article it was that boring. That’s saying a lot for a Cracked article. But I suppose they can’t all be winners, keep your chin up Daniel.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Keep on trying to be last, Jay. I know you can do it if you stick to it!
August 5th, 2008 at 11:49 am
as soon as I read the name “lohan” I knew this was going to involve the words ass-to-mouth. dont ask me how I know that
August 5th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Thanks J-Pappi. Walking through Borders I noticed a lot of people use alliteration for some reason.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:19 am
It’s a dawg eat bitch job market, man…
Thanks for giving me another reason for not looking for a job. You know, just in case “I’m an artist, damnit!” backfires.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:18 am
You never told us how your callback went!
August 5th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Last jay, effing last.
August 5th, 2008 at 9:21 am
Thanks for the support everyone (especially Saevio) as I go through this difficult time. The good news is that my herb guy is back from vacation today. Looks like I’ll be heading to glendoor’s house tonight to help his wife finish off those doughnuts.
August 5th, 2008 at 9:06 am
spot on.
August 5th, 2008 at 8:40 am
That’s right, bub. LAST!
August 5th, 2008 at 8:24 am
Last?
August 5th, 2008 at 7:34 am
Last.
August 5th, 2008 at 2:45 am
I guess this gives new meaning to the term Quattro Formaggio?
August 4th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Sack of dope my ass, she hates that shit. Now a sack of doughnuts, hell yeah that I can believe.
August 4th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Yeah, looks like a few folks here need to be smoked out. Good thing I’m generous and just re-upped (I had no choice; Glendoor’s old lady can flat out run through a sack…and all the ice cream).
Good job on the title earlier, DP13. That was alarmingly close to the kind of shit these people usually come up with for “tell-all” books.
August 4th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Byronotron… Shut up.
August 4th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Your obviously making fun of this girl, but seriously, trying to sell it as a true story loses a lot of the punch. The sad thing is that a lot of people probably don’t get that your being facetious. But, even better when I realized how dry your humor was. Sometimes people don’t get my jokes because they’re so dry it starts to crack my tongue. Proof again that cracked is one of the best written humor sites on the net.
August 4th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
I still have some left. Here *passes the blunt*
August 4th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
This blog made me laugh. And that can be difficult when I’ve had such a long day AND I’m out of weed. Thanks DOB.
August 4th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Me and the neighbor lady at the same time, but I’m working on that.
August 4th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
the real question is, who hasn’t done Mrs. Glendoor42?
August 4th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Well I’ve told your mom that you’re old enough to fix your own dinner and that someone in their mid thirties doesn’t need tucking in, but oh well.
August 3rd, 2008 at 11:58 pm
So she already made it back to your place? Cool. Glad we live so close by each other.
August 3rd, 2008 at 9:52 pm
and sorry it took a while to respond, I was getting laid.
August 3rd, 2008 at 9:36 pm
Well keep it up and maybe one day you’ll hit the big leagues like me.
August 3rd, 2008 at 8:58 pm
I’m sorry, what was that Glendoor? I was busy drinking.
August 3rd, 2008 at 4:33 pm
And drinking enough has never, ever been a problem that I can remember having. I quit four and half years ago and there are people(professionals) that would still have to play catch up with me.
August 3rd, 2008 at 4:30 pm
I said I do either one but if I had my druthers I would pick Martha.
August 3rd, 2008 at 11:25 am
Good point. It would be a horrible book, but I could title it something awesome like… “Doinking Dina: One Man’s Experience with the Labia of a Lohan.”
August 3rd, 2008 at 10:56 am
You guys just must not drink enough first, apparently. I’ve done worse for free. And you’re also overlooking the side benefit of all the high-quality poon you’d get from being in the tabloids. At worst you’d get a settlement from one or both of them to avoid headlines (”celebrity sex tape with random Cracked blogger”), at best a book deal. You got to think outside the box (pardon the pun).
August 3rd, 2008 at 10:30 am
Bullshit!, Martha Stewart it’s a good thing.
August 3rd, 2008 at 10:05 am
*shudder*
No thanks to either of them. I’d do the health inspector, though.
August 3rd, 2008 at 8:30 am
J-Pappi, you could do both, but then you have to live with the memory of banging someone who looks like Dina Lohan.
August 3rd, 2008 at 6:33 am
R_I, so watching “Old Yeller” causes syphilis?
Why must there be a choice between the two? Couldn’t one do Dina Lohan AND Martha Stewart and then compare notes?
August 3rd, 2008 at 6:15 am
Should have read “did her time like a man” not men.
August 3rd, 2008 at 6:13 am
I would do Dina Lohan too, but If I had to chose between her and Martha Stewart I would chose Martha Stewart, because 1. Martha Stewart did her time like a men and should serve as an example to all these young punk starlets. 2. She raises Chow Chows and my family use to.3. I did Martha Stewart sound better than I did Dina Lohan, which sounds skanky by association to Lindsey. Beside the bitch let her daughter go to auditons for a p0rn video. Stupid fucking skank.
And So, in coclusion that is why I would so do Martha Stewart. ( Plus I have always thought she was hot, really)
August 3rd, 2008 at 2:09 am
ive never laughed this hard at a blog before. well done
August 2nd, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Crying is a sign of either leprosy or syphilis.
Or being emotionally moved, which is about the same thing.
King Arthur once raped a whale at the Macaroni Grill. True story. I saw it on YouTube. I think DOB did the soundtrack for that video.
Fucking machine elves are tampering with tampon reality and this blog now is in Dolby. Fuck it, time to drive a chainsaw into the window of conformist bigamy.
August 2nd, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Oh yeah, his name is Mattias “IA” Eklundh, and he is amazing. Youtube him and prepare to cry.
August 2nd, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Now I’d do Martha Stewart.
August 2nd, 2008 at 5:57 pm
That guitarist for Freak Kitchen fucking rocks. Thanks for turning me on to that.
August 2nd, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Mr. O’Brein,
Just a note to say I enjoyed your
work! I espcially liked the scene
when the stuck up, Martha Stewart
look a like book club President is eating the
all you can eat salad bar, when she has what
she thinks is Ranch dressing drip down her chin.
But we know it isn’t ranch dressing!!
My only critical comment about the Macocroni
series is why do they use as its theme music
the theme from TV’s Bonanza?
I look forward to seeing you in the
upcoming “That ain’t a hot dog on a stick,
That’s my erect Penis” series.
Those girls in those HDOS
outfits look hot!
August 2nd, 2008 at 5:11 pm
And there you have it:
http://i216.photobucket.com/albums/cc107/bastardlybutta/bastardly-photos/album27/ali-lohan-03120801.jpg
August 2nd, 2008 at 4:14 pm
real, real, real
do you feel real?
and if so i’d like to know
how to feel real real
do you feel real?
and if so i’d like to know
Kids these days don’t know how to write good lyrics.
August 2nd, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Oh yeah and Dan is that a leach under your nose in the movie poster? What do leaches have to do with p0rnos? No wonder the health inspector showed up in that movie. Lucky for you I guess.
August 2nd, 2008 at 11:33 am
J-pappi and Gus, that is a song by a band called Freak Kitchen. The song is P0rno daddy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFmKLiyGHIo
August 2nd, 2008 at 2:24 am
Are you comfortable with receiving blowjobs?
Extremely.
I laughed for a good minute at that…
August 2nd, 2008 at 2:15 am
Man, MBS, if oyu recorded it, this would be the perfect song to end Macocroni 7. Although controversial, it’s a very sad and beautiful ending that translates perfectly the feeling of nostalgia of the 7th installment of an almost perfect series. It was the first time I cried while jerking off. The first of many.
August 2nd, 2008 at 1:09 am
Yeah. So, MBS, can you hook me up with the sister floating in sedatives? Now I’ve got another hard-on; TRY NOT TO RUIN IT DAN.
August 1st, 2008 at 11:51 pm
My old man stuffed 17 candles up a poor slut’s butt
Well done, dad
He f**ks for a living, calls it acting
And says it’s the best damn job he ever had
P0rno Daddy
They call him P0rno Daddy
And I am the invisible kid
What about you son?
Do you give a damn?
What about your daughter?
Do you give a damn?
Daddy-o…
Do you give a damn?
This is the last time
They tell me at school, Dad’s far beyond cool
Well, his “hip factor” doesn’t do shit for me
I am 14 years old, I have seen it all
Just another fat chunk of anxiety
P0rno Daddy
They call him P0rno Daddy
And I am the invisible kid
What about you son?
Do you give a damn?
What about your daughter?
Do you give a damn?
Daddy-o…
Do you give a damn?
This is the last time
My sister floats around in a pool of sedatives
We never speak about the way Dad lives
What about you son?
Do you give a damn?
What about your daughter?
Do you give a damn?
Daddy-o…
Do you give a damn?
This is the last time
August 1st, 2008 at 11:49 pm
Never mind that she auditioned for a P0rnducer, but she auditioned for a remake of a C list horrer movie Troll. That is, at least imo, a far more grevious offence.
August 1st, 2008 at 11:42 pm
kingmonkey would beat his ass if she took him out.
August 1st, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Whoa! I was just sitting there going “well, maybe she’s not quite as diseased as her sister; I’d totally hit that just to say I did” and then googled her and saw full sized images. Then it was like, “Oops, she’s already got into the coke; she’s so skinny her tits are already gone. Either that or she’s 14. Oh.” D’OH! Why was this not mentioned earlier; it would have saved me some time. “Jailbait-waiting to happen” isn’t enough warning; age of consent isn’t the same in all states. She might have still been 17 3/4 and spank worthy for all we knew. First you ruin the plot to “Maccocroni Grill” and now this? That’s TWICE in the same night you’ve ruined a perfectly good erection, Dan.
August 1st, 2008 at 7:08 pm
Glendoor, be careful or your wife will be taking the leprechaun out to eat.
August 1st, 2008 at 7:07 pm
He did her in the supply closet? THANKS, DANIEL. Way to fuck up the plot twist; no point in me renting it now. BTW, what part of a woman is the “supply closet?” Is that a euphemism of some sort?
August 1st, 2008 at 4:12 pm
So my wife gets home from work and we’re talking and she says what do you want for dinner tonight and I say I don’t know and she says how about Macaroni Grill.
I just busted out laughing and she got mad because I wouldn’t explain what I was laughing about and because I said was never eating at Macaroni Grill again.
True story.
August 1st, 2008 at 3:50 pm
@Robot Jesus & Wiglaf
Don’t even get me started. There is so much ridiculous legal red tape garbage surrounding this franchise it’s not even funny. They were, of course, released years ago, but due to a series of bizarre events, they were pulled from the shelves with no plan for a re-release. It would seem that a supporting lead from the first Macocroni enjoyed a HUGE career boost several years later and, as such, demanded that her name receive top billing. We, of course, can’t do that. Our hands are tied. BUTT, because her agency owns the rights to her likeness, they are refusing to allow our company to re-release the films. I don’t know how it happened, she’s like the only woman in the porn industry who actually has a lawyer. (I never even signed contract.) Typical suit bullshit.
No one said this would be easy.
August 1st, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Just forget it Dan, mockupron isn’t as profitable as it seems.
No one was even interested in buying the rights to Sexual Predator.
Or even Sexalien vs Sexual Predator.
August 1st, 2008 at 3:21 pm
hmmm. I can’t seem to find the wikipedia entry on this series…
August 1st, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Good.
August 1st, 2008 at 2:47 pm
A truly magical bog and it has been far too long since you did one! Could you tell me where I could get the Macocroni movies? I tried Blockbuster but they dont seem to appreciate real cinema.
I once tried google when I was 16 but that day hasnt come yet!
August 1st, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Wait, wait, wait Gladstone…Jesus Jones = Eve 6?
And it’s going to drive me crazy if I don’t point it out, but Citizen Kane instead of Cane. Unless that’s a play on words and Cane is referring to penis. If that’s the case, bravo DOB.
August 1st, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Thank you, Kingmonkey. I actually wasn’t going to return to the Macocroni series after the first one, (we got a new director who didn’t seem to “get” the vision), but the script of Angel O’Hair really spoke to me.
August 1st, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Jesus, now I know where I’ve seen you before, Dan! I have the whole Macocroni Grill decalogy! I thought your guest fuck scene in Macocroni Grill 4: Angel O’Hair’s P-ASS-ta wasa poignant reminder of how far the staff had gone astray from their roots, and servde as a pivotal, and emotionally provocative, turning point in the series.
August 1st, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Idk Panzier, how about everyone in the kitchen has an female assistant, so while cooking, stock taking, and various other shannanigans that take place in the kitchen, there is a blowjob occuring so no one feels out of place.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Besides it’s Gladstone I really worry about. I’m afraid he’s gonna go all “network” on HBN one day.
“FUCK YOU DIGG!!!!!!” BLAM!!!!.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Dan, I just worry about you and I said seemed to be not is.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Bah, when are the kitchen workers in ‘film’s that damn considerate Chuggs?
It’ll be ‘oh let’s go fuck in the store room’ when SOMEONE SHOULD BE STOCK TAKING!
August 1st, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Panzier, how about if you eat the pasta nowhere near the blowjob, like on the side of you so you have to kind of turn your head to eat it whilst getting a blowjob.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Don’t be mean to me, Sergeant. We’re friends.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:24 pm
I don’t think blowjobs and pasta go together, I mean, what happens if something get’s ‘misdirected’ into the carbonara sauce?
August 1st, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Bitch better fucking win, I lost $15000 on Big Brown at the Belmont.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Sometimes I really worry about you Dan, just sometimes. Sometimes you remind me of the guy I worked with at Pizza Inn, the one that wore his ninja suit under his uniform and really thought he was a ninja. He had a club foot and, like you, seemed to be mildly mentally retarded.
August 1st, 2008 at 11:38 am
I am just trying to coerce Dina into letting me enter her….you know her body….with my body.
August 1st, 2008 at 11:25 am
Where can I buy this movie!? I like Alfredo sauce and ass. Two great tastes that tase great together.
August 1st, 2008 at 11:24 am
“(and to, perhaps, coerce Dina into letting me enter her in next year’s Kentucky Derby)”
I think I scared a neighbour or two laughing from this.
August 1st, 2008 at 11:06 am
I wanted to use Google when I was 16, but I was too busy listening to the new Jesus Jones album. On vinyl.
August 1st, 2008 at 11:04 am
This is a lie! Google? Years ago? You almost had me DOB.
August 1st, 2008 at 10:49 am
First.
Great reasons to work for Macocroni Grill. I would also love to work for a job because of blowjobs and pasta.