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Is There Anything More Despised Than A Lawyer Representing the Record Industry? What About a French One?

Today I bring you an update from the front lines of our long, hard battle against having to pay for things we want. You may remember my post a while back about an insidious anti-piracy tactic that is what some would call “blackmail,” and what others would call “fucking blackmail.”

The RIAA and all their cretinous associates started sending people letters and emails claiming they’d sue them for pirating music…unless of course they agreed to pay a small settlement fee online. Basically, they decided if they weren’t going to make money distributing CDs, they’d make money distributing vague anxiety.

Those spineless enough to knuckle under helped line the pockets of some bald douche with a ponytail, and the others got away, because there’s no way they have time to sue everyone who pirates music (ie, “everyone”).

Well, at least one of the lawyers cum spammers they had sending out the notices has gotten a comeuppance, in the form of a six month suspension and censure form the Frech Bar Association. Admittedly, not the death by hanging the offense deserves, but at least we’re moving in the right direction.

Look, people who hate piracy: there’s a lot more of us, and a lot less of you. In fact, most of you ARE us, you hypocrites, and pretty soon there will be enough people pirating music that the term “piracy” will finally be changed to “listening to music.” It will be the standard.

It’s inevitable, and you need to look at ways to capitalize on that trend rather than fighting it, or you can kiss your candy canes and licorice goodbye (Naturally, I’m imagining record executives spend their money on what I would buy if I were rich).

We have destroyed (or at least mildly inconvenienced) one of you. More shall fall. Cue maniacal laughter.


When not blogging for Cracked, Michael offers content for free download as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim

This entry was posted on Monday, April 7th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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32 Responses to “Is There Anything More Despised Than A Lawyer Representing the Record Industry? What About a French One?”

  1. Jimmy Says:

    Radiohead.

    The one-word answer to the record industry’s problems. Their marketing model for In Rainbows was insanely clever, both generous and profitable. The album was also pretty damn good.

  2. Panzer-Stier Ross Says:

    But, Suite-Pee, even you can admit the RIAA is moving the goalposts in terms of what can be defined as theft.

    Burning a cd (in other words, music property you’ve already bought and paid for and therefore transmitted a profit to the artist) onto itunes is considered theft. Think about that. You’ve already paid for the cd, but you have to go buy the songs seperately, songs you already own and have already paid for. Doesn’t that seem just a tad excessively greedy?

  3. Suite_Pee Says:

    When I said music pirating is no better than bank robbing, what I meant was that theft is theft; juts because an mp3 is not a physical object, doesn’t mean stealing it is any different than stealing anything else. And now people continue to give reasons about how much the RIAA sucks, and how it’s so damn inconvenient to get music for free. Thatr still doesn’t make it any less of a crime. I don’t like a few people at my school. I think they suck. They have things I want, and yeah, it’s pretty inconvenient to get those things legally because THEY ARE OWNED BY SOMEBODY ELSE. But I do not steal from those people, because theft is wrong no matter how you slice it. So stop playing like you’re some sort of Robin Hood or something when you pirate music from the “evil” RIAA. Because if you can justify stealing a song, why can’t you justify stealing other things in the same way? That was what I was saying.

  4. Max_Fightmaster Says:

    Yeah, I download all the TV I watch because Australian TV networks fuck us around so much. They’ll show a couple of episodes and then the show will disappear. Not axed necessarily, just relocated to the sexy new timeslot of 2am. So I download them. But in the same way that I buy good CDs, I will buy good shows when they come out on DVD. Which usually happens eventually, quite often before the networks actually get around to finish airing the season.
    As for global warming ruining beer, it’s true. There will be much less beer in 30 years time. I’m Australian. I know this shit.

  5. kingmonkey+1 Says:

    That’s right, Swaim! If you download an mp3 illegally, you might as well be holding up a bank at gunpoint. And if you burn that mp3 to a CD, that’s the same as taking a hostage, you murdering psychopath (or equivalent in mp3-stealing terms).

  6. Michael Swaim Says:

    Hey, what was that show about the high school teachers? Boston Common?

    That was a good show.

    Also, @ Suite-Pee: REALLY? I’m no better than a BANK ROBBER? Is that actually the belief you’re moving through life with?

  7. Wallsy Says:

    You know why I (would, hypothetically speaking) pirate stuff? Because it’s so incredibly inconvenient to get it legally.

    If I want to watch Boston Legal, I can wait 6 months for it to be on TV here and then have to put up with ads, I can wait even longer and buy it on DVD, which probably won’t play on my computer because of shitty copy protection, meaning I’d need an actual TV and DVD player, or I can download it. Now. For free. It’s a tough choice.

    If they asked me to pay a small fee per episode or something to download it, I’d pay. Because then I wouldn’t have to bother with finding a torrent, deleting it because it was fake, finding a real torrent and re-downloading it.

    Or, they could let me watch it online for free, but with ads in it. I’d go for that too, for the same reason. But I’m not going to pay them so they can make things less convenient for me.

  8. kingmonkey +1 Says:

    Not to mention the fact that the RIAA is basically condoning ecological corrosion. If you get your music electronically, you’re doing far less damage to the environment than if you buy a piece of plastic that was churned out at the pollution factory.

    You may think, yeah, so what? I’m not worried about global warming. Last night, I was watching a news program called The Hour. The host mentioned that there was a report from scientists in Australia that stated global warming, in about 30 years time, could seriously damage the world’s production of barley and hops. The scientists being Australian, I give them the benefit of the doubt when it comes to any science even vaguely beer-related. I have chills just thinking about it.

  9. Michael Swaim Says:

    Jesus, I never even thought about it that way. Thank you for pushing me even further in my extremist beliefs.

  10. Ronsonic Says:

    The messed up part is that people were ripping music online for about 8 years before it was even possible to pay for a download. The RIAA morons actually created an environment that made it easier to steal their product than buy it. Any real grownup industry with like real business executives and stuff would’ve taken a machine gun to their marketing department if something like that happened.

    You noticed the movie industry hasn’t let that happen. Yeah, there are torrents, but those are less convenient than the legal ways to get a movie online.

    Walk into Best Buys, go pick out a recent movie, look at the price then go look at the price on the soundtrack album. Hell any new CD release is only a couple bucks cheaper than a DVD. Somebody is fooling himself if he demands the same return on a $2M record production as the $50M movie.

  11. Vinstarr Says:

    One thing I think everyone should see (especially recording companies) is Matt Mason’s ‘The Pirates’ Dilemma’ speech at the Medici Summit. It explains how piracy usually stems from something being wrong in a market, and that the market needs to change. Downloading is obviously the way that future business is going to be handled, and any industries like the music industry that don’t embrace this new medium will fail. When the music industry started suing people for downloading rather than working out how capitalise off it, they basically said “We are not the music industry. We are the little plastic disc industry”. Because if they really were selling music, they’d change their business model to include downloading, not fight it. It’s 41 minutes long, but it’s one of the most informative speeches you’ll ever hear.

    http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6483543718966313073

  12. Max_Fightmaster Says:

    If a kick ass band made a car, I would steal it.

  13. kingmonkey+1 Says:

    Suite_Pee, but it’s easier and costs me nothing. See how it works? I’m justified because I’m not the one losing money, and you’ll find hypocrisy is a very easy attitude to latch onto.

  14. Suite_Pee Says:

    I, for one, am staunchly against music piracy. I don’t see how stealing an artist’s song is any different from stealing a baker’s bread, or an automaker’s car. It’s intellectual property, and when the artist wrote, recorded, and published the song, they then earned the right to receive payment for their efforts. People like to say music is “about art and not profit” and that the bands should just be happy enough kknowing that people listen to their music at all. Well, I think there is nothing wrong with wanting to make a career out of your art, and using it to make money. Personally, if I created or produced anything, whether it be music, an invention, a product, etc., I would damn well hope I would have the right to say how much people should have to pay for the use of that service/item. So all of you people who are pirating music, stop blaming the artist, or the record company, or the prices of music, or how bad you think most of the songs on a given album are, and accept that you pirate music because you don’t want to, or have to, to pay for it. You’re no better than a car thief or a bank robber. And just because so many people do it, doesn’t make it right.

  15. Ian Says:

    People do get sued Mr. Michael, if you don’t settle for the $3,000 (small settlement?) court costs will run you up to $200,000.

  16. Max_Fightmaster Says:

    Despite downloading a hell of a lot of music, I still have a pretty decent CD collection. To me, it’s a try before you buy thing. I’ll download it, and if it’s any good, I’ll probably buy it. Fortunately for me (and my wallet), there’s a fair bit of shit out there today. And the stuff that kicks some serious ass (and is available in the format) I get on vinyl. Music nerd enthusiasm all the way!

  17. Maury Says:

    good on ya swaaza. sticking it to the (french) man!
    on another note in response to Esmoreit, there was a song with ‘devin the dude, snoop and andre 3000′ where he says; “Is it alright if i come to your job, at corn on the cob, take a few kernels off, and put the corn back”
    it’s probably one of the lines that has made most sense. now i dont mind paying for music, but knowing that the money goes to the artist, not the big faceless corps. that take their 93.7% cut!
    I’m more than happy to pay $30Aus for an independant album. but fuck you warner, sony bmg, etc etc, these companies have at disposal all the tools and resources to make artist huge and expose them to millions, yet they still jack up the price. fuck u big corps. you suck the big one.
    thnx again swazza for exposing these fuckers as money hungry….fuckers…yeah!

    Maury out - Sydney city repprezzentin’

  18. Flash Says:

    Personally I download a fucking shitload of music and most of it I delete soon afterwards. But the bands worth keeping are bands that I will always go to see live, and often these are bands who wouldn’t sell many tickets, and due to my music nerd enthusiasm I will promote them amongst my friends and anyone unfortunate enough to meet my drunk alter ego like I’m that bald douche with the ponytail minus the paycheck. Fact is, a lot of the bands I listen to I would never have heard and subsequently gone to see/turned my friends onto, without the magic that is theft. All hail crime.

  19. Wild_Marker Says:

    “and pretty soon there will be enough people pirating music that the term “piracy” will finally be changed to “listening to music.” It will be the standard.”

    That’s where you live. Here in Argentina it has already happened.

  20. petra Says:

    All hail piracy! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

  21. glendoor42 Says:

    I love treading on the intellectual property right of artists. I have not paid for a single song or movie in 5 years.

    Like my collection of “Those Aren’t Muskets” videos, I did not pay a dime for a single one of those except two of them.

  22. Haruhi Says:

    I prefer to think of myself as a music ninja as opposed to a pirate.

  23. kingmonkey +1 Says:

    Swaim: Tee-hee, you called the lawyers “cum spammers.”

    I wasn’t aware there was an option by which you could exchange money for a physical copy of a song, or songs. How does that work? What, do you just go into a store of some kind and say: “gimme a storage device with only ten or eleven songs on it, and I’ll give you 20.00?”

    That makes no kind of sense. You guys should stop making this shit up.

  24. Panzer-Stier Ross Says:

    St Anger pisses me off too, damn record executives forgetting how to do guitar solos.

  25. Razok Says:

    Of course they have, Ross. Of course they have.

    And it’s all because of Lars Ulrich (who is secretly Hannah Montana). The man (read tentacle beast) has become utterly obsessed with profits (and really shitty songs. Saint Anger comes to mind).

    It saddens me. It saddens me greatly.

  26. Panzer-Stier Ross Says:

    So you too think Metallica have been murdered secretly and replaced by record-executives?

  27. Daniel O'Brien Says:

    “That’s another fucking thing - why would I want to buy an album with most likely only three good tracks and the rest mediocre?”

    Most likely? Where are you getting these numbers from? I’ve heard albums where I only like three songs. Then I listened to the album more than once. Twice even. Some albums I’ve listened to multiple times, in full. Let the album breathe, man.

    Also, from your post it seems like you’re mad at the bands, as if they’re the ones threatening lawsuits and demanding money. It’s the companies, because they’re the ones who will be left behind.

  28. SRHCFC Says:

    “Make good enough music so we want to see you perform live/ If you’re really good you can still get all the money on ticketpricing”

    Excellent theory, but I can disprove your idea that the good bands would survive based on ticket sales. Who’s had the biggest concerts recently? That’s right, Hannah fucking Montana. Do you really want to live in a world where the only music is made by Hannah Montana?

  29. Esmoreit Says:

    I see piracy as an awfully good way of sifting through all artists untill we have the ones left that are really good or really can entertain.

    I.E. - Make good enough music so we want to see you perform live/ If you’re really good you can still get all the money on ticketpricing - the same money we save by not buying albums.

    That’s another fucking thing - why would I want to buy an album with most likely only three good tracks and the rest mediocre? And what the hell happened to intrinsic rewards? We listen to you’re music. We will proclaim that you are (one of) our favourite artist(s). We dream and fantasize that we áre you - some of us doing so by wearing you’re skin.
    Shouldn’t that be a reward on itself?

  30. Gakus Says:

    Huzzar, this is truly a great day for our proud race. Finally our rights as amoral cyber-thieves are being protected, “I have a dream” so on and so-forth.

  31. GMan Says:

    We are music pirates we do not forgive, we do not forget

  32. Max_Fightmaster Says:

    I will never stop downloading music while sitting at my computer wearing an eyepatch and talking to a stuffed parrot! Yar, Polly! Yar!

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