I had to do the image research for this column looking at the reflection of the screen in a mirrored shield.Consequently, everything below is based on the tiny fraction of Kim Kardashian news I've been unable to escape on grown up news sites, plus a couple things from her Wikipedia page, plus a couple things that I just added to her Wikipedia page. If that sounds kind of rinky-dink to you, well, from what I can tell, half-assed Wikipedia based research makes this the most journalistically sound celebrity site in the world, so eat me. So here's what we know: Kim Kardashian is a woman who was summoned to walk the Earth in our darkest hour, because we needed someone to be famous for us. She has her own television network called the E! channel, where she has conversations and tries on clothes and smiles in clubs. Last year she met a basketball player who has his mouth open more than normal.
In the span of about eight months, they fell in love, got engaged, and planned an elaborate wedding that was televised and heavily sponsored by I think one of those teeth whitening companies. It's rumored that the wedding made Kim millions, money which was not apparently invested in couples counseling, as we discovered two and a half months later, when Kim announced her plans to divorce. Twitter has since crashed eight times under the weight of billions of Kardashian wedding jokes. As I was conducting this painful research, I kept coming back to one question, repeatedly circled on the surface of the asbestos laden duct insulation I was taking my notes on. Good golly, she seems proud of her breasts my notes read.
But underneath that first, hard-to-not-see observation, was a second, deeper question raised by the debacle of her wedding and a number of other incidents. Is Kim Kardashian secretly an idiot? On the one hand she's made an awful lot of money, which if my strict objectivist upbringing was correct, means she is my moral and intellectual superior. But on the other hand, she really kind of seems like an idiot. Below I've outlined some of the arguments for and against the conjecture that Kim Kardashian is an idiot, which I hope you can use to help settle bar bets, or thorny theological debates.
Yes, Of Course She's An Idiot: She Married Someone She Didn't Actually Like Very Much Kim's 30, and has already been married and divorced once before, so presumably has some idea of the factors necessary for a relationship to work. Like the bit about loving each other. Or a strict religious upbringing. Or when one of the spouses has a valuable dowry necessary to secure the other's political future. Any of the three will do, and it looks like Kim and this guy didn't have a single one of them. I'll be generous, and take Kim at her word when she says she "loved" this guy. But I will question whether she actually knows what that word means. Like she might have confused it with "wedding planning excitement" or "dizzyness." Like her blood-sugar was a bit low when she met this dude and she confused that with love. Or how she might confuse gas pain with hate.
"Man do I hate that Obama after eating burritos."
No, She's Not That Bad: At Least She Caught Her Mistake Quickly Everyone is up in arms that this marriage lasted only 72 days, but very few people seem at all surprised that it ended up in divorce. I think if we're all being honest here, maybe if after the wedding all of us got around a really big table with a beer and a lot of straws, we'd agree this marriage had at most a few years of life in it. After all, few people expect celebrity marriages to go the distance these days. So with the non-foreverness of the marriage taken as a given, shouldn't we applaud Kim for acknowledging her mistake and getting on with her life? I mean, imagine how much this dude would interfere with Kim's next project, adopting three African babies then giving up on them 114 days later. Can't have him around for that.
"Hi Africa? Yeah, I changed my mind. I'm getting a rabbit instead."