I don't know about you, but if I was fighting in a shitty war, I sure would feel better if someone put together the Craked.com in Association with Captain Freedom and Presented by Me For-The-Troops YouTube Classic Theater. Wait a minute: holy shit:
You can learn a lot from YouTube. For example, I learned that when our God was giving the Iraqi people hand-eye-coordination, he took inspiration from three cats tied to a vacuum cleaner.
I've never meant this more: "Nice jumping jacks, assholes!" So now that you and the troops have had a nice laugh at the expense of others, let's move on to change absolutely nothing. Below is more laughter at the expense of others. We're Americans, not some kind of changey homunists. If we change anything, it's going to be the gravy in the center of our hot dogs and the medical duration of our erections. Put that in your turban and smoke it, Iraq. While you've been over there getting occupied and learning how to move your arms and legs at the same time, we've been hard this whole time.
Name: Flap Birdo, International Superstar of Failure Real Name: Furthest Guy on the Right Technique: Flap knows that this "jumping jack" the American troops speak of has something to do with jumping. His brain relays this message to his limbs, and each of them violently interprets it differently. If I was an anthropologist, I'd say he was panicking and that this was an ancient biological defense to dismember yourself and explode your body on your enemy as a final revenge. But since I'm not an anthropologist, I'll say that this guy is so uncoordinated that he can't piss his pants without a funnel.
Name: Clappy "The Seal" Ahmdghudj Real Name: Second Guy from the Right Technique: "The Seal" saw that clapping was involved in this exercise. But he didn't have a word for it. In a country whose leading cultural export is mustard gas and lamb sex, there's not a lot of opportunities for clapping. If someone died every time an Iraqi person applauded, it would kill fewer people than vitamins. "The Seal" is really making up for lost time, though. He's clapping in front of his chest, over his head... where has this clapping been his whole life!? It's like someone taught a monkey where its genitals were, but without all the elegance.
Name: Princess Ballet Real Name: The Third One from the Right Technique: Forming a circle with his arms and clumsily plie'ing, Princess Ballet creates a beautiful song about his body's inability to do the simplest of tasks. This is so far from a jumping jack that if you told me this was a robot trying to make ice cream inside itself, I'd thank you for making sense of it. And then we'd kill it together, as ice cream-filled friends. Wait, now that I think about it, all these guys look like malfunctioning robots. Are they working out on an Iraqi Showtime Pizza burial ground?
Name: Rocket Virginbuster Real Name: That is his real name. Technique: When a white guy does a jumping jack, he's all, "I'm effectively doing a jumping jack." When an Iraqi does a jumping jack, he's like, "I'm an idiot, motherfucker!"
Name: Chuck Chasewagon Real Name: Parts Unknown Technique: Whenever an Iraqi is asked to perform a physical action, they respond with a flipper-handed seizure. And under Iraqi law--or as we know it "Thunderdome"--it's legal for every household to own an assault rifle. Those two things don't go together. They have to have 50 goats in the house just to soak up all the accidental bullets. Growing up in Iraq is like growing up as a stop sign in Arkansas. When the Iraqi family gets together for dinner, they don't talk about how your day was. They talk about which one of those bullet wounds is fresh, because we just had these carpets painted! You're the reason we can't have nice things, like this VCD copy of Hǎtch, the Turkish remake of Hitch featuring Miami Vice and Han Solo.
Name: Tap Razzmatazz Real Name: Sixth Fellow from the Right Technique: Remember that episode of the Cosby Show where Bill Cosby is challenged to tapdance? Well, that previous sentence is exactly what "jumping jack" translates to in Arabic.
Name: Swandive Real Name: Saul Swandivenstein Technique: While every other Iraqi guy is throwing themselves into the air like retarded human popcorn, Swandive carefully puts his hands together and slides them straight up. It's just as wrong, but with less effort. This guy sucks so hard at jumping jacks that when he's done with his workout, he has an egg, three gallons of milk and semen in his stomach.
Name: Impossible Achmed Real Name: Eighth from the Right Technique: This Iraqi was doing nearly perfect jumping jacks, which any scientist will tell you must be a hallucination. It's so impossible that when most people watch it, a portal opens next to them and a future version of themselves screams, "I'm too late!" Let's look at the facts: Being Iraqi and doing a jumping jack is like being American and transforming into a dinosaur boat. The fact that he can do this does nothing less than prove genies. We now know that magical men live in lamps and can grant wishes. And if anyone ever manages to produce a more reasonable theory, don't trust that guy. He clearly has a fucking genie.
Name: Scimitar Napmaster Real Name: Ninth from the Right Technique: When Napmaster realizes that he's doing something wrong, he gently keeps his feet planted and makes rings with his arms. I've gotten better workouts waving goodbye to the pizza delivery man. If this is the Iraqi idea of physical fitness, is it any wonder that these guys' heads pop off when you hang them? Slam! Oh my god, if Saddam still had a head, that burn would have backdrafted his whole face off!
Note: Much like the people who start these wars, you never know how much you should believe YouTube. We'll let historians work out whether or not this too-insane-to-be-real video is actually too insane to be real. Because even if the world was tricked by an elaborate jumping jack hoax, the people who managed to convince a platoon of soldiers to line up and do jumping jacks wrong still deserve the Silver Star of Morale Soaring Hilarity. If anyone has any proof that this video was created by professional military jumping jack impersonators, here's what you do: keep it to yourself and hold this can of peanuts. The last thing our troops need right now is to find out the Internet was lying from some butthole holding a can of snakes. That's right, you're not as hard to trick as you thought, butthole.