The 4th of July. “Independence Day.” “The Big Easy.” The day the entire planet gets together to put aside our differences and bond over our common love of fireworks and professional baseball. It’s here again, just as we all expected it to be and, as usual, it fills the heart of every man, woman and child with patriotic warmth and togetherness.
Now, we all know what rituals we are supposed to engage in: “Oohing” at fireworks, enjoying barbecues, hoping your hot neighbor-lady gets drunk enough to have sex with you, but no one really knows why. It’s true. The real history behind Independence Day is a complete mystery, lost forever to the ages in a whirlwind of lust, hot dogs and unwarranted restraining orders. Sure, there are rumors as to the origins of Independence Day, but we may never really know the truth. Much like showering and wearing pants in church, Independence Day is one of many practices that people regularly engage in without having the slightest idea of Why.
Well, never being one for mysteries, I took it upon myself to clear up this whole confusing ordeal once and for all. I’m here to expose the truth behind Independence Day. I dug deep, folks. I hit every library, museum and strip club in the entire East Coast and I’ve emerged covered in equal parts truth and body glitter to share with you my discoveries. Here, for the first time ever, I’ve assembled all the facts and figures to give you the road to Independence Day.
1765
-Taxation Occurs, Very Little Representation is Involved- Great Britain, who at this point still controls America, decides to set up the Stamp and Quartering Acts, a series of taxes on the American people who refuse to pay on the grounds that they had no say in the voting process that led to the creation and enforcing of these taxes. Adding insult to injury, GB adds the first of many unfair Townshend Acts, (named for harmless, family-friendly comedian Robert Townsend and yet, somewhat oddly, spelled wrong). As a result of the unfair taxation, the colonists famously coined the rallying cry “You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.”
1770
-Boston Massacre- A confrontation between British troops and Colonists erupts leading to the death of five (5) fucking people. The first death, that of black Crispus Attucks, (who was really just trying to avoid actual slavery), is regarded as the first casualty in the colonists’s struggle for independence. This is also regarded as the first in a long standing tradition whereby a black man has to suffer the unfortunate results of and put up with a bunch of stupid white guy bullshit.
1773
-Tea Act- The Tea Act is passed and this is a really huge deal. Great Britain knows how much the colonists love Tea so they charge them exorbitant sums. This is, for some reason, not capitalism.
-December- Bostonians throw a boatload of Tea overboard into the water in what is known as The Boston Tea Party. Now no one has Tea. (America’s critical thinking and problem-solving skills are not quite fully developed). While the giddy Bostonians stared out at the sinking, ruined Tea, grinning triumphantly, one standoffish colonist, Stanley, is heard to ask “Why didn’t we just take the tea? Then we’d have it.” After a thoughtful pause, he is thrown overboard.
1774
-First Continental Congress- The FCC is formed with the intention of peacefully and reasonably stopping Great Britain.
1775
-Nevermind.- About five months later, Revolution happens all up in Britain’s shit. The Continental Army is formed with George Washington as its head lunatic.
1776
-Common Sense Thomas Paine’s Common Sense becomes an instant bestseller and makes a strong case for total Independence that reaches just about every colonist. His follow-up, Common Cents, a series of tasteful photographs of loose change, does not enjoy a similar success.
-July 4th- We’re finally independent! Oh… Oh we’re not? Oh, okay, the Continental Congress just approves the Declaration of Independence.
(This can’t honestly be what we’re celebrating. There’s no way, right? Of course not. We’re gonna go ahead and keep moving.)
-August 2nd- We’re finally independent! Oh. Not yet? Okay.
The Constitution is just Signed.
-August 3rd - The Constitution is just Sealed.
-August 4th - The Constitution is just Delivered.
-September 9th- “United States of America” is chosen as the country’s name, just narrowly beating out “GreatBritainSucksburg” and “Titslyvania.”
-December 5th- The First American College Fraternity is formed.
-December 6th- Collar-popping, barbed wire tattoos and date-rape invented.
-December 25th- To celebrate Christmas, George Washington sails across the Delaware River and slaughters a bunch of Hessian mercenaries.
1781
-Fuck it!- Cornwallis surrenders at Yorktown. They didn’t even want American in the first place. They heard it was full of skanks anyway and said that we can keep it.
1783
-September 3rd- We’re finally independent? American Independence is secured.
(Still no?)
1788
-June 21st- US Constitution Ratified.
(That’s it then, right? We’re official now? Let’s say ‘yes.’ June 21st, 1788. A day that will live in WhoGivesAShitfamy.)
1789
-Here Come Da Prez- George Washington becomes the first white President of the United States.
Oh, son of a bitch, that’s everything, isn’t it?
So… So, there you have it, I guess. Apparently, every 4th of July, we are asked to remember the Declaration of Independence being approved, even though it wasn’t actually signed for another month, even though we’d already unofficially “declared our independence” by murdering the shit out of a bunch of British troops a year earlier, and even though we wouldn’t even technically win that war for another 7 years, July 4th is where it’s at.
Also fireworks.
Fireworks, as you probably know, are the Iroquois symbol for arbitrarily selecting a day to represent the formation of an entire country in the hopes that the people celebrating the holiday won’t bother doing any research, (it’s a fairly complex language).
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January 9th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
were singing about a national flag being still there, not a white flag, your anthem sucks. you never crush tyranny
July 10th, 2008 at 4:50 am
“Why can’t we be more like France?”
Sooo many answers, not enough time or willpower.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
I have more of a problem with our anthem. It’s a nice poem when you look at all of it, but we decided on the crappiest verse to sing. “Hey look! Our flag’s still here!”
Why can’t we be more like France? “Onward, citizens! Crush the tyranny! Their impure blood will run in our fields!”
July 9th, 2008 at 9:08 am
I think that, to avoid confusion, the entire months of July and August should be “Fuck everyone but America” time.
July 9th, 2008 at 4:35 am
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July 7th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
For Aug. 2-4, it should be that the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE was sign, sealed, and delivered; not the Constitution!
July 7th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
And when are we going to celebrate humanity’s independance from alien annihilation? Surely it can’t be the same day.
July 7th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
so what other arbitrary day would you like us to celebrate? If you think about it logically like an educated person, you would see the significance. I understand you’re trying to be funny, but you probably shouldn’t make fun of the people who gave you the rights and freedoms to post this crap. It’s people like you who are turning this country against itself.
July 7th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
DOB, you make history sexy.
July 7th, 2008 at 8:28 am
More accurately:
‘France, Fuck Yeah!
Coming again to save the motherfukin’ day yeah!’
July 7th, 2008 at 8:05 am
Negative_Creep, you could just do it the way Casnadians do: we never actually declared Independance from anything, and therefore we don’t celebrate it! Instead, we have an arbitrary date of our own where we just celbrate being here.
It’s kind of like kindergarten students celebrating Good Work Day or something, actually.
Neil, maybe those crack dealers will read this post and have a change of heart. Maybe they’ll return your car and give you a hug. I think your luck is about to change, my man. The sun’s gonna shine on you.
July 6th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
@glendoor - sounds about right.
the crazy part is that i lived here for 4 years pretty much without incident not involving the homeless or intoxicated. I come down here for one weekend now and my car gets stolen. Right outside my friend’s apartment too! Guess I should have seen it coming, them living in a crack den and all.
July 6th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Celebrating independence on the day it was officially declared as opposed to the day it became a fact is AFAIK a fairly common practice, tho. Finland celabrates independence on December 6th, which is the day the parliament in 1917 declared independence from Russia. Of course, if we were as partial to fireworks as you Yanks, we might opt for the day Russia/USSR approved the declaration, December 31th, and hit two eyes with one rocket.
July 6th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
The last time I was in Washington DC I got in a fight with a guy that pissed on the street in front of my wife. This was not a bad part of Washington, just off the mall, and this was not a homeless man and this was 2:00 pm in the afternoon. This guy worked for UPS.
He wouldn’t apologize for it and it wasn’t like he didn’t know we were there.
We were standing there reading a historical plaque and he whipped it out right behind my wife and started pissing next to his truck and the street. I told him to stop and say he was sorry but he got smart mouthed about it and made some sexual remarks to my wife and I laid him out, one punch and got applause from the crowd.
We ran back to the hotel and hoped I was not going to get arrested. I did not, luckily, and I always have used FEDEX since and I believe that motherfucker is independent from his front teeth now.
July 6th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Just thougt I might post this here. I just put up a new song and a new side project. The band name: Venereal Sunshine, the song name: The Church of Scientology.
http://soundclick.com/share?songid=6695865
July 6th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
I actually came to Washington DC for the 4th of July to visit friends.
My car got stolen.
I’m not kidding.
I guess I’m now independent from my car.
July 6th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
The need be Alanis, the need be.
July 6th, 2008 at 9:31 am
Everything I learned about American history I learned from School House Rock. If need be, I can sing you the Preamble to the Constitution.
I’m just saying. If need be.
July 5th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
The entire planet celebrates, you say?
Pfft.
Boring. Anything else is in the news today?
July 5th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
I have to agree with Glendoor on this one. A lot of you have made some very good, very important points but, as usual, the Good Sergeant provides the sort of insightful, well-thought-out discourse that I like to encourage on this blog.
July 5th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
boobies
July 5th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Hmmm, having the celebration on the 4th as opposed to whatever day is “supposed to be” more appropriate is really inconsequential. If you’re interested in the specific dates (whatever), then go read up and feel better about yourself because you can attach numbers to the stuff that happened.
Understanding what happened and knowing when it happened (down to the day) are two things which can be easily separated… the former being the more important aspect if you intend to celebrate it.
July 5th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Ok, that was funny as hell.
@sweetbbw08 You’re a goddamn cheating whore, I loved you, you bitch.
July 5th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Spot on. July 4th is a great day to hate the English. Ask this guy.
July 5th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Yesterday was my birthday and I was so lucky to find my BF after I registered at___Plusmeet.com___. He sent an instant message to me and after a while, we exchanged phone numbers.
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July 5th, 2008 at 10:39 am
Finally a blogger that is willing to tear George Washington a 5th asshole. I have known that July 4th had no real signifigance for some time but I have never heard it expressed in such a funny manner…
You are amazing DOB
July 5th, 2008 at 9:29 am
Glendoor, as it happens I blame the English for just about everything bad that happens, even when admittedly they aren’t at fault.
July 5th, 2008 at 12:29 am
I want to become fluent in Iroquois…
July 4th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Please lets remember that “American” Idol is an English creation. So long as the blame is clear.
July 4th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Res_Ipsa I’ll slap my John Hancock on that Declaration.
July 4th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Can we either dump all the American Idol producers, contestants, hosts, etc. into the water? Or in the alternative, declare our independence from that shitacular show?
Tea sounds like a fucking excellent idea. I think I’ll go on a tea binge when I wake up at 3 in the morning.
July 4th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
In the land of “American Idol” worship, we may as well use an undeservedly over-hyped date for our greatest national celebration.
July 4th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
I’ve been to some vicious tea parties Tommy, the last one barely had any survivors.
I’m telling you, you run out of Lapsang and it all kicks off.
July 4th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
“The Boston Big Mac Party doesn’t sound like a rebellious uprising”
Yeah, it certainly doesn’t have the air of menace of a tea party.
July 4th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
DOB, please do us a favor and do the same meticulously researched report on the French Revolution the week of Bastille Day. It’s on July 14th.
July 4th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
America, Fuck Ya
Coming to save the motherfickin day ya!
sorry, had to
July 4th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
I think DOB is rethinking the concept of humor somewhere right now.
July 4th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
It sounds like a good time really.
July 4th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
The Boston Big Mac Party doesn’t sound like a rebellious uprising.
July 4th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Actually the Tea Act didn’t introduce any new taxes and was to allow the East India Tea company to sell their tea cheaply to the colonies without sending it through London first. They colonialists believed the tea act was introduced as a bribe to make the populist citizens accept the previous punitive taxes that the British had introduced.
The modeern day equivalent would be tossing a bunch of cheap big macs into a river as a protest against excessive political influences by corporations in your nation. Something no one in America is likely to do. Shame.
July 4th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
@sally the tiger: those arent muskets
July 4th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
I was referring to the battle of the Isandlwana, not the whole Anglo-Zulu war. So yes my comment still stands, beaten by men with spears.
July 4th, 2008 at 11:55 am
“To celebrate Christmas, George Washington sails across the Delaware River and slaughters a bunch of Hessian mercenaries.”
We still celebrate Christmas like that at my house, though I will admit Hessian’s are getting harder to find now. Last year I had to go to The Home Depot and get some Mexicans
to play the Hessian, ………not the same.
July 4th, 2008 at 11:44 am
And today is my birthday. Hope am lucky enough to find my BF on___Plusmeet.com___
July 4th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Congratulations on beating the aliens! We all have Randy Quaid to thank for Independance Day being the day you celebrate “freedom from extermination.”
July 4th, 2008 at 11:08 am
Also, happy 4th of July!
July 4th, 2008 at 11:05 am
“I don’t think it’d be too difficult to have defeated the British Army at that time.
This was the same army that a couple decades later was defeated by men with spears”
What war are you thinking of? I assume you mean the Anglo-Zulu War, but that can’t be what you mean, as that was 100 years later. Also, we won that war. Granted, we lost at Isandlwana, but I’d like to see any musket-armed army of 1,400 beat 20,000 spear-armed warriors who had them surrounded in open ground.
July 4th, 2008 at 10:46 am
Happy Dependence day DOB!
July 4th, 2008 at 10:31 am
I don’t think it’d be too difficult to have defeated the British Army at that time.
This was the same army that a couple decades later was defeated by men with spears.
July 4th, 2008 at 10:20 am
I’m pretty sure the British got their revenge.
Two words: Victoria Beckham
July 4th, 2008 at 10:01 am
You would think this article would make me feel bad to british in some way
I’m afraid that ship has already sailed
July 4th, 2008 at 9:45 am
If you don’t like Merica you can geeettttt ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut!
July 4th, 2008 at 9:42 am
God bless Merica
July 4th, 2008 at 9:40 am
wow that was just like national treasure II. But with fewer laughs. But at least yours were intentional.
July 4th, 2008 at 9:04 am
its ridiculous. you’d think we would be more interested in celebrating the day the declaration of independence was actually written (july 2nd) because of its symbolic value. but in the long history of dumb ass politicians making everything WAY more boring than it really needs to be, we get to celebrate the day they all donned their makeup and wigs and signed the damn thing.
July 4th, 2008 at 8:42 am
Damn…
Now I wish I lived in the great theocracy of Titsylvania…
July 4th, 2008 at 8:18 am
Another funny post DoB! Keep up the great work!