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Most Honest Break Up Letter Ever

A NOTE FROM EDITOR IN CHIEF JACK O'BRIEN: Cody Johnston is the newest addition to the roster of Cracked columnists. The first thing you need to come to terms with is that Cody is ... different. Not the euphemistic "different" a father might use when consoling an ugly child. More like the euphemistic "different" psychiatric professionals use to describe the patient whose roommates keep swallowing their tongues. As such, his schedule will be different. He's going to post videos, songs and other things we've not seen in these parts and he's going to post often. Some of his stuff will be sane enough to share with the masses on the front page, and some you'll have to come find for yourself. But it will always leave you feeling at least a little bit, well, different. So hold on to your butts and try not to swallow your tongues (we recommend you use both hands for this) because, if you're lucky, it's going to be a weird ride.
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This totally made me laugh. What are you supposed to say to a letter like that?: "So, does this mean your penis is breaking up with me?"
ReplyLiked the editor's note too. and yes, I was holding on to my butt. How did you know?
This is like my first relationship, except replace the whole bit about never doing it with never even making out except that once, and then refusing to do it again. f*****g cocktease. Dumped her ass, is what I did.
Replyif that's the girl pictured above, i would've been okay just sucking her tits. No need to go "all the way". Damn, some dudes are stupid.
ReplyHere is the first example in what turned out to be The Biggest Mistake Jack O'Brien Ever Made.
Replynope
I thought that was funny, and I like Cody!
so many relationships end in this horrible wrong-doing called abstinence stop the bloodshed put an end to it
ReplyThey can't stop the bloodshed; most women who believe in abstinence don't believe in using the pill.
I am yet to read a single thing this guy writes that makes me smile, let alone laugh. It's like someone gave a barely-functional borderline retard access to a word processor.
ReplyMcShagworthy, I have to say you are the first advertising agent I have ever seen that sells your product by offering theoretical sex. But rather than congratulate that gateway technique, I'd just like to point out how sick I am of you bleating, incoherent comment commercials.
ReplyOn another note, nice article, and I completely sympathize!
I found your post on my (almost) daily obsession with blog searching. Thanks for the informative blog post as I can certainly appreciate all of the hard work that goes into maintaining a site like this! Thanks again.
ReplyWell, I enjoyed it. Most of these other commenters may not have, but I guess that's just an OPINION. You know, those things everyone's allowed to have?
ReplyBut then again, maybe I'm just an ignorant retard who only laughed because of the repetition of the word 'penis'.
Wow, no offense, but Cody is the worst writer I have ever seen on a major website. I just read a bunch of his articles, and not one of them made me want to finish it.
Replyif by "make me feel different" you meant "bored", the yes you got the job done.
ReplyPretty cool and very true, I guess. Hell, how should I know, I liked f*cking too much to ever make a guy wait that long.
ReplyI'll look forward to it!
ReplyI do hate you ...
ReplyWow, a new member of the family. This is big news. All the collumnist have a special place in my heart, you'll have to prove your worth Cody.
Replyonly thing slightly funny you've done so far.
ReplyHis world is big. But the whole world is even bigger! Move on and discover it!
Replywelcome Cody!
ReplyIt's so damn true. Why must most women deny basic needs? Doesn't make you a better person to wait...whatever. I'm glad I didn't. And I'm sure my bf's penis is glad too, so he doesn't have to write a breakup letter like this.
ReplyWelcome Cody. Shall be intrigued with your future works.
welcome Cody. make us puke with pure pubic cluster.
Reply