I'm Not Qualified to Write This Post

Well folks, Spring is here which, for most people means love is in the air. For the nerdy, pasty, internet obsessed tech crowd, however, (that's you, Cracked.com readers!), it means one thing: South by Southwest. That's right, the 22nd Annual South by Southwest Festival, a celebration of music, movies, technology and the internet, is going on all this week. Bloggers, pseudo-celebrities and nerds everywhere are flocking to Texas for a week of boner-inducing inter-news, and as an incredibly important and influential Cracked Blogger, it's only natural that I should be in attendance.

I don't mean to brag, but as an experienced journalist, I have somewhat of a knack for sensing when something huge is about to happen and, let me tell you, I had one hell of a hunch that this particular SXSW festival was going to be different. Something big was going to go down, and I wanted to be there when it happened. If my hunch was accurate, (and they always are), this story could almost guarantee me a Pulitzer. Alternately, I heard Jenna Fischer was going to be there, and Ive always kind of wanted to ask her if shes ever seriously considered taking a shower with me.

I went to visit Crackeds Head Editor Jack OBrien last week to see about getting a plane ticket to the event

Let me ask you something, Jack Rabbit- I began

Dont call me that he interrupted.

What if I was to tell you that Im planning an article so controversial, so inspirational, so fucking life-changing that, after you read it, your head will literally spit your eyes right off your god damn face because your brain would realize that theres no point in reading anything else ever. Got that? Your brain says you dont even need eyes anymore because you already read the most important article ever conceived. Thats how fucking Ninja Turtles this article is. I paused to let my words sink in, and because I accidentally spit all over myself in my excitement. If I told you I could write that article and get it up on Cracked by the end of the week, would you just shit your pants, or what? I could tell I had him.

Probably not, no, he answered. But Ill admit it, youve got my attention. I also had his wallet, but he didnt need to know that.

You can have that article, Jack to the Future-

Dont call me that.

-and all it would take on your part is a plane ticket to Austin. One little plane ticket, and youll have the article thatll change the world. One plane ticket and a few other incidental expenses, I mumbled as I pulled out my expense proposal.

Incidental expenses? Jack looked skeptical. I was worried, but then I reminded myself that Jesuss editor probably looked skeptical when Jesus handed over his expense proposal that may or may not have also included a beanbag chair full of corndogs.

I know what youre thinking, Boss, and trust me, its just the essentials. I handed over the proposal and he started skimming through it.

Well, he started, already it looks like were gonna have some problems.

Problems, I asked.

Yeah. The first item on the list: Youre asking for a stretch limo? And two rooms in a five-star hotel, for some reason, a diamond-studded top hat, a sandwich gun, which isnt a thing, by the way, you made that up. Uhh it looks like youre asking for $900 for miscellaneous pimping, two grand for heroin, and this last item I mean, it looks like youve just drawn a picture of yourself on a jet pack, I dont I dont know what that means.

I smiled, lost in the brilliance and eloquence of my proposal.

Dan, I gotta be honest I cant give you any of this.

Why the hell not? If I hadnt already swiped his wallet, you can bet your ass Id have been swipin it then. Swipin it like a motherfucker.

Well, gosh, Dan, so many reasons. We dont have this kind of budget, for one thing. A good portion of the items on this list arent real, and uhh, some of these things, I just wouldnt feel right signing off on, morally, you understand. I might actually have to fire you, you know that, right?

No, no I dont know that, Jack Fu. All I know is that this SXSW nerd bullshit is gonna be huge. All I know is that Im sitting on the article of the century over here and all you can do is piss on my face.

Well, I dont really think thats what Im doing, but alright. Im not going to sign off on this. Can you please get out of my house now?

Biggest mistake of your life, pal, I said as I headed for his refrigerator. All you do is piss. Piss, piss piss. You are a coward.

Im calling the police.


Had A-Jack of the Clones not been such a raging coward, Id be sitting pretty in Texas right now, soaring over a bunch of understandably impressed bloggers in my Cracked.com Jet Pack. But that isnt the case. I wasnt there and, surprise surprise, something huge happened. Had I been there, Id be able to give you fine readers first-hand accounts of one of the most talked about Facebook-related controversies of the new millennium.

Apparently, Sarah Lacy, the woman who, for no discernible reason, was tasked with interviewing youngest billionaire on the planet and Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, did such an awful job as an interviewer that audience members were booing, shouting out insults, and doing whatever else it is that nerds do when they get cranky. Lacy was reportedly too giggly and flirty, seldom asked any actual worthwhile questions and often interrupted Zuckerberg as he was in mid-sentence. The article, (that I didnt write because I didnt fucking see the interview), goes on to say that Lacy implied she might pour water on Zuckerberg, made up a story about Zuckerberg burning a series of his personal journals, and one blogger youve never heard of said "It sounds like the Zuckerberg keynote was one of the worst things in Internet history.

Got that, everyone? One of the worst things in Internet history. This is the same Internet that brought us 2girls1cup, goatse,that bitch who plays Hannah Montanas webshow, and stale jokes that never made sense to begin with: You dont just throw around one of the worst things in Internet history lightly. This event, described by Wired as total chaos, will be talked about for years and years to come. And where was Cracked.coms Senior Stupid Internet Shit Correspondent while all this was going on? Where was he, you ask? He was sitting alone in his apartment in his underwear, spilling nachos on his stomach and missing the story of the century because someone was too cheap to shill out the necessary $86,000. Maybe when he learns to recognize a gifted journalist when he sees one, he'll get his wallet back.

Probably not though.

Some more of Daniel's stuff can be found here and sometimes here. But not here.

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Daniel O'Brien

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