Let’s take guitar off the table right away. I’m not better at guitar than John Mayer. Never claimed to be. Guitar is for dicks anyway, so let’s just move on.
Most of the readers of this blog are already intimately familiar with some of my outstanding qualities. So, I’m sorry, but this post isn’t for you. This post is for Jennifer Aniston who, according to this article, is now dating singer/songwriter/total doofus, John Mayer.
Readers, I’m gonna get just a tiny bit personal on your asses: I’m more pretty seriously in love with Jennifer Aniston. I know I’ve been in love with celebrities before, but of all the famous ladies that have stolen my heart, (Jenna Fischer, Danica McKellar, Tina Fey, Jessica Rabbit, Amanda Bynes, and Some Chick from an Invisalign commercial from 2004), Jennifer Aniston is one I could really see myself settling down with. Maybe have a couple of kids, (Aragorn or Billy Dee if it’s a boy, Mary Jane or Ghostface Killah if it’s a girl).
And, to be honest, I don’t really have a problem with John Mayer. I think he’s kinda funny, he seems pretty charming and he’s actually fairly surgical with a guitar.
But Jennifer Aniston deserves the best and, frankly, I’m just better than him at a whole lot of things. In fact, based on my research, I suppose that it wouldn’t be unreasonable to conclude, Jennifer Aniston, that I’m better than John Mayer at everything except guitar. Is that a fair assumption? I think so. Hey, you know what falls into that admittedly broad category of “Things that aren’t Guitar,” Jennifer Aniston?
Boning you silly.
If my research is accurate, I will probably be better than John Mayer at boning you silly. But hey, you don’t have to take my word for it. You do, however, have to take Math’s word for it. What do you say, Math?
-If something is a non-guitar-related matter, then I am better at it than John Mayer is.
-Boning Jennifer Aniston is not playing guitar.
-I’m better than John Mayer at Boning Jennifer Aniston.
That’s just logic right there. That’s some mah’fuckin’ modus ponens all up in yo shit.
So there it is. According to Math, you should dump John Mayer and prepare yourself for a life of screaming like a banshee while I plow you senseless. (Math said those vile things, not me.)
If, for some reason, my sweaty, throbbing logic doesn’t convince you, Jennifer Aniston, perhaps I should highlight some of my other important attributes and accomplishments. Onward, with the
List of Reasons I’m Much Better Than John Mayer
- The First Thanksgiving: An Almost Graphic Representation - November 28th, 2008
- This is Why You Don't Steal from Cracked - November 21st, 2008
- On Inauguration Day White People Can Finally Be Cool - November 14th, 2008
- Will You Marry Me, Kristen Wiig? - November 7th, 2008
- "WESTSIIIIIIIIIDE!": How to REALLY Talk to Cops - October 31st, 2008
1. My New Job
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but NBC recently named me the frontrunner to replace Conan as the host of Late Night. Did… Did John Mayer get asked to host anything? He didn’t? Tough break. That’s okay, he can be a guest.
On my show.
That I host.
2. Our Awesome Name
Hey, you know how the tabloids are always making adorable little portmanteau’s out of the names of celebrities when they start dating, like “Beniffer” or “Brangelina” or “Hilhelm” (when, in the winter of 96, Paris Hilton briefly dated Kaiser Wilhelm)? Well you and I would be “Daniston.” Isn’t that just fucking priceless? What would you and Mayer be? Jomaniston? That sounds like a country. A shitty country. Johnifer? Transexual. Maynifer? Fucking retarded.
3. He’s a Chump
Also, I have it on good authority that I can bench press a whole lot more than John Mayer. (That authority? My goddamned arms.)
Still not convinced? Still not willing to dump John Mayer? No? Not even a little bit? You leave me with no choice, Jenifer Aniston.
In order to win your love, I hereby challenge John Mayer to the First Annual Cracked.com Violent, Competitive, Non-Guitar-Related Olympics
Or
That’s right. Your Body is a Thunderdome, (Winner Bones All), will be a deadly, vicious, all-out, last man Anistanding brawl. What do you say, John Mayer? Just me and you in a series of physically challenging and mentally exhausting competitions, where the ultimate prize is Jennifer Aniston’s undying love. Rules are like Guitars, in that neither will be involved in this contest.
I don’t think we’ll need to work too hard to convince Aniston to become a part of this. If Along Came Polly is any indication, she has no problem attaching her name to retarded projects with ridiculous premises (Zing!). Plus, Jennifer Aniston, no matter how tough it’ll be for you to watch your two main flames brutally compete for your love, it can’t be nearly as painful as watching Rumor Has It, (Zing Pops!). And if it turns out that both John Mayer and I die in our competition, don’t worry, you’ve been associated with bigger disasters. The Iron Giant, for example, (Zing around the Rosie, motherfuckers!).
The challenge is out there, John Mayer. I await your response. To pass the time, I’ll be over here, doing more pushups than you can even dream about.
[Also, for those keeping score at home, to date my unanswered challenges are as follows:]
-Hannah Montana (A bare-knuckle-boxing match for the rights to the name M&M).
-The CEO of Taco Bell (A spelling bee. If I win, they have to remove the unreasonable restraining order they placed on me six months ago).
-John Mayer (A Last Man Anistanding Match to the death, for the love of Jennifer Aniston).
September 12th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Modus ponens? Mo’ like modus pwnens!
See, it’s funny ’cause they sound the same, and it’s applicable given DOB’s inherent superiority over…
Ok, I’m recusing myself of posting for the remainder of the day, before the men in white take me away again. You may resume your regularly scheduled sanity. Or whatever it is that you have regularly scheduled.
May 3rd, 2008 at 4:52 am
my bad.
The Jesus Christ of Boning encapsulated?
mmm, big words.
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:28 pm
‘the Jesus Christ of Boning himself’
maybe change the wording there a little ross.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:28 pm
@kingmonkey +1: Yeah, in the sense that hentai is a cartoon.
Speaking of which, Jessica Rabbit was the predecessor to (american) hentai.
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:10 am
88k I shall crush you for saying such a thing.
May 2nd, 2008 at 7:57 am
smashpro1, don’t be silly. Jessica Simpson is a cartoon character.
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:47 am
Guitar is for dicks. That’s great. Also this was hilarious.
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:03 am
@smashpro1: I say that gives him more reason to defeat Mayer. Boning beautiful women is one of the several skill sets that makes DOB who he is… if you leave John Mayer to continue convincing women thet they should bone HIM instead, there will be NO WOMEN LEFT IN THE WORLD TO BONE. Economies will collapse, mass hysteria will ensue and most importantly, DOB will lose his title of J.C. of boning. To John Mayer no less. Ridiculous.
May 2nd, 2008 at 12:13 am
DOB, I think I know a way you could be better at guitar than Mayer. Cut off his fingers. Are you going to live up to your nickname or what?
May 1st, 2008 at 10:54 pm
I got your back. These hookers need to go DOWN!
May 1st, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Wasn’t John Mayer also that guy that dated Jessica Simpson? If so, just give up DOB, it won’t be long before he’s fucked all of the beautiful women in the world
May 1st, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Daniel, sweetie, I know this is off topic but I strayed from this site and found this little gem.
http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2008/05/montana-pulls-out-of-skeezy-anti-meth-ads.php
I just had to share it. Do with it what you will.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:51 pm
I apologize in advance if this reply wanders a bit. My brain is still cramping from having just watched Bret Michaels, former lead singer for Poison/current star of crappy reality show, sing a Barry Manilow song on some lame karaoke game show(Fox?).
Jennifer Aniston was America’s Hollywood Cinderella story when she hooked up with Brad Pitt. It seems to me that when Angelina body-checked her right off that pedestal, she coped by purposefully dating “average” guys. Anti-Brads, if you will. Given that Mayer is reportedly a serial-dater, it probably won’t be too long before she’s on the rebound again. With each break up she seems to lower her standards a little so you might just have a chance there.
However, if I were a betting gal, I point you towards Alyssa Milano. She’s edgier, not an A-lister and she likes younger guys. Jennifer is the girl you bring home to meet the parents, Alyssa is the girl…well…approaching cougar territory. Just sayin’.
Jesus- Barry Manilow ? WTF ?
May 1st, 2008 at 7:00 pm
respect john mayer, but just respect DOB more
May 1st, 2008 at 5:03 pm
I just use alcohol and the psychotic temprement passed down through my ancestors and generations of the working class.
Oh and DOB, I’ll be your ring announcer, you better believe it.
“To my left, he is a soft-rock churning wussy lady-man with an unfortunate rocker complex. He is known to his contempories as a lyrically-challenged overly poetic tool, ladies and gentlemen, I give you John Mayer!
And to my right, the man who needs no introduction, Mr Machete, slayer of Hannah Montana, the Jesus Christ of Boning himself and yes Ms Anniston that is his officially defended title, the one the only Daniel ‘Danny-boy big chief fists of fury’ O’Brien!”
May 1st, 2008 at 5:00 pm
I would honestly not bone Jennifer Aniston even she threw herself, vagina first, unto man my man rod. Her face looks like the sole of an old leather shoe and she isn’t even close to being funny. She isn’t half the woman Tina Fey is. I do support you boning Tina Fey though, so you can go ahead and do that. Also, write an entry about it later.
May 1st, 2008 at 3:57 pm
When I want to go into a blind rage I find the old fashion method works best for me , everclear and cocaine. Now though I find I have to add rolaids to mix because my stomach’s not what it use to be.
May 1st, 2008 at 2:04 pm
@Parker Lindstrom “I liked the Iron Giant.”
diaf
May 1st, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Thanks for standing in my corner, MetalBrainSurgery. I was worried I’d just lost the future guitarist of the New Late Night Band.
May 1st, 2008 at 1:14 pm
I liked the Iron Giant.
May 1st, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Mah-chet-ee, the Checnyan Seen-dicate huv plowed Jennifer Aniston. She was like the earth, und we like the plow pulled by 2 oxen. We made her wear your Mah-chet-ee costume. Our plan to destroy you is underway. Soon you will cry like little baby. You are male prostitute.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:55 am
DOB is the Lord of the Zings.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:47 am
I think Lexie Murphy (also known as Lex2-Murph2) expressed our collective reaction most succinctly. Never have I been so moved by a comment here. I find those words haunt my mind, as they echo the deepest, truest feelings that I think we all share. Indeed, I think those words should be adapted to a mottoe to grace the home page here, so that all who enter may feel the radiant sagacity and wisdom, and have their lives graced by being touched with such genius.
Take heed Mr. O’Brien (Daniel) of Lex2-Murph2’s keen insight. Next time you issue a deathmatch challenge to a random celebrity on a whim, remind yourself of what you’ve read here today that it may forestall catastrophe.
Beep boop, Daniel, beep boop.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:45 am
What the fuck is she doing in a photo with David Hasselhoff? If HE boned her both of you might as well give it up; no need to even try measuring up to the HasselHoss…especially if said event took place in Europe. He’s bigger there.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:31 am
You know, i saw John Mayer on MTV once ( my remote was broken, shut the fuck up) and he seemed to be dressed as a bear in order to get feedback on his concerts. So maybe, you could just put itching powder in his bear suit, then as he is violently scratching, you run him through with a lance, and tell everyone you though he was a rabid creature of death.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:17 am
Ok I read the whole thing and you didn’t justify yourself for said offence. Funny stuff tho. I’m better at john mayer at guitar so if john some how sneaks a guitar into said death match just tag out and I’ll take over for you. Guitar battle of the ages.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:12 am
Jennifer is tainted goods. I read in the weekly world news (and they are never wrong) That Ms. Aniston attended a Hannah Montana concert and went backstage, where she was secuded with Hannah’s witch craftery and was impregnated with 2 million serpent eggs. Bat boy was on the scene and he confirms the story to be true.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:06 am
what the fuck do you mean guitar is for dicks? I havent even read past that statement yet and I’m not sure if I’m going to. DOB you make me sad.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:00 am
@DOB: Dude, give up the pop tarts, go for Hot Pockets. One word, Microwaves.
Hell the hulk couldn’t take shit that strong.
May 1st, 2008 at 10:48 am
Beep Boop.
May 1st, 2008 at 10:44 am
Ahhh, so THIS is what grasping at straws looks like in print…
May 1st, 2008 at 10:31 am
@Boxcar: Whatchu talkin’ bout, Boxcar? I worked diligently to photoshop the dick right out of that picture. Look closely. You may see a knuckle, but there is not one dick in this entire post. Unless you count John Mayer, (Mamma’s gonna buy you a diamond Zing!).
@Gauntsgridfire: You tell John Mayer’s wikipedia page that there is nothing theoretical about this battle. This shit is on.
@Gman: Good call, I respect you.
@Glendoor42: Close. Horse steroids, speed, habanero peppers and candy corn all shoved into a pop tart. Terrible for the stomach, excellent for blind rages.
@Gladstone: Still dead to me.
May 1st, 2008 at 9:39 am
If you mean “boning over your costumed vigilante crime-fighting partner,” then yes, you are the King of Boning, DOB.
P.S. Hannah sends her love.
May 1st, 2008 at 9:26 am
The Jesus Christ of Boning! Need there be more said?
May 1st, 2008 at 9:18 am
Please tell me that you’ll sell tickets to this, or at least option the pay per view rights, because this is some shit I’ve got to see!
Also, Red Bull + steroids + habaneros = next big thing in energy drink black market.
Or liquid death.
Whatever.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:53 am
Hey Dan, what do they feed you at Cracked, Red bull, steroids and habanero peppers? I mean you are one ready to lay down the gauntlet motherfucker dude. I think you can whup this Mayer boy’s ass though, I mean he’s in a band.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:51 am
modus ponens is awesome. shits all over modus tollens, that’s for sure.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:32 am
DOB is awesome
May 1st, 2008 at 8:27 am
D.O.B., if you look at this quote of Mayer’s from his wikipedia page, I think you can see where he stands on the issue:
“There is danger in theoretical speculation of battle, in prejudice, in false reasoning, in pride, in braggadocio. There is one safe resource, the return to nature…”
Not only is he insulting your challenge to him, shrugging it off and questioning your ability to put-up-or-shut-up, you will also note that he has plans to “return to nature”, an obvious reference to his ongoing training in Ent Martial Arts/Knife Fighting (and/or his love for all things Enya).
I would suggest that perhaps burning down his beloved tree-people will finally draw him out into the open. Or you could kill Enya. Your choice.
May 1st, 2008 at 7:40 am
Oh yeah, er, kingmonkey +1. I had that open in another tab and everything.
May 1st, 2008 at 7:36 am
What the hell’s wrong with the clock? Don’t tell me Cracked’s on Alabama time. Actually, that would explain a lot.
May 1st, 2008 at 7:33 am
How come everybody wanna keep it like the Kaiser? Her STD’s explain his shriveled right arm, which in turn explains his inferiority complex, which in turn explains the invasion of France…Paris Hilton is a war criminal! Being responsible for WWI (and ultimately by extension to WWII and the Holocaust) makes her only slightly less reprehensible than Hanna Montana. I’d still fuck her, of course (Paris, not Hannah; I can deal with genocide and syphilis but not prison).
May 1st, 2008 at 7:22 am
Hmmm, your body is a Thunderdome… Two men enter, one man leaves?
Hey Boxcar, we did have a pic of a woman holding a penis, and preparing to put it in her mouth. It was blurry, but you could tell.
May 1st, 2008 at 7:09 am
Is this the first Cracked article to every feature a picture of a man actually holding his penis, rather than Swaim’s common alluding to such an act?