Cracked Columnists

I'm Better Than John Mayer at a Number of Things

Let's take guitar off the table right away. I'm not better at guitar than John Mayer. Never claimed to be. Guitar is for dicks anyway, so let's just move on.

Most of the readers of this blog are already intimately familiar with some of my outstanding qualities. So, I'm sorry, but this post isn't for you. This post is for Jennifer Aniston who, according to this article, is now dating singer/songwriter/total doofus, John Mayer.

Readers, I'm gonna get just a tiny bit personal on your asses: I'm more pretty seriously in love with Jennifer Aniston. I know I've been in love with celebrities before, but of all the famous ladies that have stolen my heart, (Jenna Fischer, Danica McKellar, Tina Fey, Jessica Rabbit, Amanda Bynes, and Some Chick from an Invisalign commercial from 2004), Jennifer Aniston is one I could really see myself settling down with. Maybe have a couple of kids, (Aragorn or Billy Dee if it's a boy, Mary Jane or Ghostface Killah if its a girl).

And, to be honest, I don't really have a problem with John Mayer. I think he's kinda funny, he seems pretty charming and he's actually fairly surgical with a guitar.

But Jennifer Aniston deserves the best and, frankly, I'm just better than him at a whole lot of things. In fact, based on my research, I suppose that it wouldn't be unreasonable to conclude, Jennifer Aniston, that I'm better than John Mayer at everything except guitar. Is that a fair assumption? I think so. Hey, you know what falls into that admittedly broad category of "Things that aren't Guitar," Jennifer Aniston?

Boning you silly.

If my research is accurate, I will probably be better than John Mayer at boning you silly. But hey, you don't have to take my word for it. You do, however, have to take Math's word for it. What do you say, Math?

-If something is a non-guitar-related matter, then I am better at it than John Mayer is.

-Boning Jennifer Aniston is not playing guitar.

-I'm better than John Mayer at Boning Jennifer Aniston.

That's just logic right there. That's some mah'fuckin' modus ponens all up in yo shit.

So there it is. According to Math, you should dump John Mayer and prepare yourself for a life of screaming like a banshee while I plow you senseless. (Math said those vile things, not me.)

If, for some reason, my sweaty, throbbing logic doesn't convince you, Jennifer Aniston, perhaps I should highlight some of my other important attributes and accomplishments. Onward, with the

List of Reasons I'm Much Better Than John Mayer



    1.My New Job

    I don't know if you've heard, but NBC recently named me the frontrunner to replace Conan as the host of Late Night. Did... Did John Mayer get asked to host anything? He didn't? Tough break. That's okay, he can be a guest.

    On my show.

    That I host.

    2.Our Awesome Name

    Hey, you know how the tabloids are always making adorable little portmanteau's out of the names of celebrities when they start dating, like "Beniffer" or "Brangelina" or "Hilhelm" (when, in the winter of 96, Paris Hilton briefly dated Kaiser Wilhelm)? Well you and I would be "Daniston." Isn't that just fucking priceless? What would you and Mayer be? Jomaniston? That sounds like a country. A shitty country. Johnifer? Transexual. Maynifer? Fucking retarded.

    3. He's a Chump

    Also, I have it on good authority that I can bench press a whole lot more than John Mayer. (That authority? My goddamned arms.)

    Still not convinced? Still not willing to dump John Mayer? No? Not even a little bit? You leave me with no choice, Jenifer Aniston.

    In order to win your love, I hereby challenge John Mayer to the First Annual Cracked.com Violent, Competitive, Non-Guitar-Related Olympics

    Or

    That's right. Your Body is a Thunderdome, (Winner Bones All), will be a deadly, vicious, all-out, last man Anistanding brawl. What do you say, John Mayer? Just me and you in a series of physically challenging and mentally exhausting competitions, where the ultimate prize is Jennifer Aniston's undying love. Rules are like Guitars, in that neither will be involved in this contest.

    I don't think we'll need to work too hard to convince Aniston to become a part of this. If Along Came Polly is any indication, she has no problem attaching her name to retarded projects with ridiculous premises (Zing!). Plus, Jennifer Aniston, no matter how tough it'll be for you to watch your two main flames brutally compete for your love, it can't be nearly as painful as watching Rumor Has It, (Zing Pops!). And if it turns out that both John Mayer and I die in our competition, don't worry, you've been associated with bigger disasters. The Iron Giant, for example, (Zing around the Rosie, motherfuckers!).

    The challenge is out there, John Mayer. I await your response. To pass the time, I'll be over here, doing more pushups than you can even dream about.

    [Also, for those keeping score at home, to date my unanswered challenges are as follows:]

    -Hannah Montana (A bare-knuckle-boxing match for the rights to the name M&M).

    -The CEO of Taco Bell (A spelling bee. If I win, they have to remove the unreasonable restraining order they placed on me six months ago).

    -John Mayer (A Last Man Anistanding Match to the death, for the love of Jennifer Aniston).