Illegal Animal Trafficking is Grrrrrreat!
Numerous potentially destructive items make it across the U.S.-Mexico border every day: prescription medications, illegal firearms, American college students. But there is perhaps nothing as potentially deadly as what Michelle Ashton of Calvert smuggled onto our soil and then attempted to sell in a Wal Mart parking lot.
I'll give you a second to guess.
Nope, you were wrong. It was tigers. Unless you guessed tigers, in which case congratulations.
Ms. Ashton was caught negotiating the sale of four white and two orange Bengal tigers in first the Wal Mart, and then the Mervyn's parking lots in Calvert. I assume she moved when she realized Wal Marts Bengal Tiger Family 8-Pack was undercutting her profits by a healthy margin.
If your first question is who the hell she was selling the tigers to, then youre clearly not an eleven year old boy, fun-loving but shortsighted father, or decadent mafia crime lord.
The question you should be asking is what exactly she got arrested for. I mean, is it really illegal just to have tiger cubs? Short answer: yes. Long answer: also yes, but only because she didnt have a license to transport them.
Which got me to wondering what kind of application youd fill out in order to obtain a license granting you the right to transport tiger cubs in cat carriers in the back of your truck. Luckily for me, I was able to look up and/or fabricate that information online.
a. Tony
b. Mr. Whiskers
c. AAAGH! My Arm! IT RIPPED OFF MY ARM!
a. I was raised by them
b. I train them for a traveling circus
c. I saw The Jungle Book eight times
And so on. Well, at least theres some kind of regulation. Id hate to think that the transportation of feral jungle cats across our countrys borders wasnt being strictly regulated.
First its tigers, then before you know it youve got Oaxacan Bobcats taking our factory jobs and Tijuana Panthers lined up outside the Home Depot at all hours of the day.
If you ask me, we should put the Minute Men on this. Primarily because Id like to see them thrust into more situations where they square off against things with teeth the size of steak knives.
Now if youll excuse me, Ive got a little guy waiting for his daily raw meat taunting downstairs. Im coming Mr. Whiskers!
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael combs Mr. Whiskers' luxurious namesake as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
Just discovered your blog and IT ROCKS! I absolutely love your style - it's very authentic.
ReplyAnimals should not be property. That's why animal trafficking is a problem. Of course, the tiger might also eat you, but maybe you will sacrifice yourself since you spend so much time eating adolescent pigs, calves, and baby chickens.
Replyisn't it amazing how science allows us to produce full-sized legs and breasts by killing newborn chickens?
stfu, if animals didn't taste so god damn delicious people wouldn't eat them.
glendoor42's puppy watch only one puppy left.
ReplyYou could also train it to eat the homeless and welfare recipients (longer than a few weeks; everyone has shitty luck from time to time) and solve the overpopulation problem. Where do I sign up for one? Having to clean up its poop would be a problem...but then that could be solved with prisoners doing community service. 1 vote for pet T-Rex's; any seconds?
Replydamn spambots keep getting more and more anoying.
ReplyI would train the T-Rex to wear a saddle and ride it around the neighborhood.
ReplyI ONLY HAVE TWO PUPPIES LEFT, THANK GOD!!!!!
ReplySquaresquare- I'd say THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME
ReplyYou buy a cute tiger cub from the walmart parking lot. You take it home and raise it with love. Years later it has grown up and turns out to be a T-Rex! What do you do?
ReplyYes, I got 300.00 apiece for them and another lady bought two today and I let her have the two for five hundred dollars. I'm well on my way to getting my R2D2 projection TV.
ReplyGlendoor, did you get your $300 asking price or did you have to beat the rollback special?
ReplyDon't know, I told everybody that I had aids, herpes and bad hemroids. But if you drive through Holmes County Florida on Labor Day weekend as drunk as I did you can find out for yourself.
ReplyHow was the sex glendoor? Rough and dangerous?
Replycracked is proof america has no sense of humor and must be destroyed.
ReplyThey have stripes suits at the county jail in the county just south of me. This I know.
Reply@JT - did I mention that I'm a power top? For some reason I don't think anyone will let me have my way in the prisons. And most have those orange jumpsuits nowadays. No stripes at all.
ReplyI sold two puppies in the Walmart parking lot. They weren't tigers though.
ReplyJT lol- that's what I thought
Reply@Neil. Then you'll love prison and the sex they provide !!!
ReplyHow could rajah not even be considered for the name?
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