Numerous potentially destructive items make it across the U.S.-Mexico border every day: prescription medications, illegal firearms, American college students. But there is perhaps nothing as potentially deadly as what Michelle Ashton of Calvert smuggled onto our soil and then attempted to sell in a Wal Mart parking lot.
I’ll give you a second to guess.
Nope, you were wrong. It was tigers. Unless you guessed tigers, in which case congratulations.
Ms. Ashton was caught negotiating the sale of four white and two orange Bengal tigers in first the Wal Mart, and then the Mervyn’s parking lots in Calvert. I assume she moved when she realized Wal Mart’s Bengal Tiger Family 8-Pack was undercutting her profits by a healthy margin.
If your first question is who the hell she was selling the tigers to, then you’re clearly not an eleven year old boy, fun-loving but shortsighted father, or decadent mafia crime lord.
The question you should be asking is what exactly she got arrested for. I mean, is it really illegal just to have tiger cubs? Short answer: yes. Long answer: also yes, but only because she didn’t have a license to transport them.
Which got me to wondering what kind of application you’d fill out in order to obtain a license granting you the right to transport tiger cubs in cat carriers in the back of your truck. Luckily for me, I was able to look up and/or fabricate that information online.
a. Tony
b. Mr. Whiskers
c. AAAGH! My Arm! IT RIPPED OFF MY ARM!
a. I was raised by them
b. I train them for a traveling circus
c. I saw The Jungle Book eight times
And so on. Well, at least there’s some kind of regulation. I’d hate to think that the transportation of feral jungle cats across our country’s borders wasn’t being strictly regulated.
First it’s tigers, then before you know it you’ve got Oaxacan Bobcats taking our factory jobs and Tijuana Panthers lined up outside the Home Depot at all hours of the day.
If you ask me, we should put the Minute Men on this. Primarily because I’d like to see them thrust into more situations where they square off against things with teeth the size of steak knives.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a little guy waiting for his daily raw meat taunting downstairs. I’m coming Mr. Whiskers!
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael combs Mr. Whiskers’ luxurious namesake as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
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July 21st, 2008 at 1:55 am
I believe the city was McAllen, TX…. not the one you mentioned….
heres the link to the real story:
http://www.brownsvilleherald.com/news/tigers_87688___article.html/police_lot.html?orderby=TimeStampDescending&oncommentsPage=1&showRecommendedOnly=1
June 22nd, 2008 at 9:31 pm
glendoor42’s puppy watch only one puppy left.
June 22nd, 2008 at 5:07 pm
You could also train it to eat the homeless and welfare recipients (longer than a few weeks; everyone has shitty luck from time to time) and solve the overpopulation problem. Where do I sign up for one? Having to clean up its poop would be a problem…but then that could be solved with prisoners doing community service. 1 vote for pet T-Rex’s; any seconds?
June 22nd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
damn spambots keep getting more and more anoying.
June 21st, 2008 at 8:49 am
Little tiger is so lovely! But I hope to find a big guy who is strong like a big tiger, very powerful and manful!
Now am seeking such a kind of man at famous dating site ___PlusMeet.c o m____, where many big boobs girls, big butts women and big nice guys meet together for fun&love!
June 21st, 2008 at 8:07 am
I would train the T-Rex to wear a saddle and ride it around the neighborhood.
June 21st, 2008 at 8:06 am
I ONLY HAVE TWO PUPPIES LEFT, THANK GOD!!!!!
June 21st, 2008 at 3:31 am
Squaresquare- I’d say THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME
June 20th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
You buy a cute tiger cub from the walmart parking lot. You take it home and raise it with love. Years later it has grown up and turns out to be a T-Rex! What do you do?
June 20th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Yes, I got 300.00 apiece for them and another lady bought two today and I let her have the two for five hundred dollars. I’m well on my way to getting my R2D2 projection TV.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Glendoor, did you get your $300 asking price or did you have to beat the rollback special?
June 20th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Don’t know, I told everybody that I had aids, herpes and bad hemroids. But if you drive through Holmes County Florida on Labor Day weekend as drunk as I did you can find out for yourself.
June 20th, 2008 at 9:41 am
How was the sex glendoor? Rough and dangerous?
June 19th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
cracked is proof america has no sense of humor and must be destroyed.
June 19th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
They have stripes suits at the county jail in the county just south of me. This I know.
June 19th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
@JT - did I mention that I’m a power top? For some reason I don’t think anyone will let me have my way in the prisons. And most have those orange jumpsuits nowadays. No stripes at all.
June 19th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
I sold two puppies in the Walmart parking lot. They weren’t tigers though.
June 19th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
JT lol- that’s what I thought
June 19th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
@Neil. Then you’ll love prison and the sex they provide !!!
June 19th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
How could rajah not even be considered for the name?
June 19th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Wrong, wrong hilariously wrong
June 19th, 2008 at 11:54 am
mmmmmmmmm …. tiger sex. I need to fuck tigers. I can’t become aroused unless my life is in danger and there are stripes involved.
June 19th, 2008 at 11:24 am
This is a below par article for you Mister Swaim. As one of the people who thinks your are possibly the funniest writer in a long time, I suggest you heed my advice and step it up a notch. Gladstones hate by numbers as slowly replacing you as my favourite thing here.
Tigers are so passe… Ligers are where it’s at now. They’re bigger and better than Lions or Tigers.
June 19th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Jesus Swaim, can you read? They were bound to Mexico, not from.. I swear, Where is all that child support money I send to your mom going? She tells me you’re getting tutored, but I dont know.
I’ts my weekend with you, so tell your mom not to be late again !!!
June 19th, 2008 at 11:15 am
I saw the Tijuana Panthers play the Oaxacan Bobcats last fall. They won 8-3 in overtime, even though their centre was injured in the first period.
Also, sexybigbeauty just failed Swaim’s license application, question numbers 5,6, and 7.
June 19th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Yes, Ross and then they shoot then. That is what most of the exotic big game is doing in Texas. In Florida they mostly breed them then sell them to private parties in Texas so they can shoot them.
June 19th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Well, Texas and Florida have the highest population of tigers and big cats in the world, all in private hands. They actually outnumber the tigers left in the wild in Asia.
Rich, stupid and fucking loud enough to enjoy it? Buy a tiger!
June 19th, 2008 at 10:09 am
who cares about tigers- i would want a lion!! has anyone seen the video footage where a Colombian woman who rescued/raised a malnourished/on the verge of death lion cub went to visit him at the zoo (when it go big she couldn’t take care of him at the zoo) It’s amazing!! www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=WMXOuh_oPB0
June 19th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Logistically speaking, I’m sure it wouldn’t be nearly as much fun to spin a bengal tiger on the linoleum floor as it is to spin my cat. I love it when she gets all dizzy and crashes into cupboards trying to attack my leg for my impudence.
June 19th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Little tiger is so cute! But I hope to find a big guy who is strong like a big tiger, very powerful and manful!
Am seeking such a kind of man in hot dating club ___PlusMeet.c o m___, where our big boobs women, big booty women, big curvy women and big manful guys mingle and seek fun, friends, romance&love together!
June 19th, 2008 at 9:25 am
“An officer spotted a group of people in three cars Sunday making a suspicious transaction in the Wal-Mart parking lot.”
BTW, any transactions occurring in a Walmart parking lot are suspicious.
June 19th, 2008 at 9:22 am
Uh, your supposed to emblazon the picture of a bengal tiger on a rug and THEN sell the RUG in the Walmart parking lot out of a van you keep by the river when you’re not selling rugs. Clearly, these women aren’t ad wizards.
So, yeah, my first question was WTF were they doing trying to sell tigers in a WALMART parking lot anyway? They should have at least upgraded to Target.
June 19th, 2008 at 9:09 am
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June 19th, 2008 at 8:40 am
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June 19th, 2008 at 8:35 am
This Calvert city… Is it deep in Rednecklands? Because you have to be really, 12-generations-of-inbreeding stupid to think about selling tigers in a damned parking lot.
June 19th, 2008 at 8:14 am
When I was little a really, really wanted a pet Tiger… Then I grew up and realised they were fucking Tigers!
June 19th, 2008 at 8:13 am
“5. You’re not going to…fuck it, are you?”
“6. You’re sure?”
“7. You’re going to sit there and tell me you never even thought about molesting that magnificent tiger?”
You have gotta be the funniest guy ever Swaim.
June 19th, 2008 at 8:08 am
sorry, i couldnt resist. um…nice article? hang on, i’ll go read it.
June 19th, 2008 at 8:07 am
first?