Well, I’ve done it. I’ve watched the Gene Simmons sex tape just so that I can discuss it for the benefit of you heathen monkeys. Do you understand the sacrifice I’ve made here? I expect rose petals strewn at my feet wherever I go, including to the kitchen where I will grab a steak knife and gouge out my eyes.
As for the tape itself, it features the same grainy cinematography we’ve come to see as the standard in our celeb sex tapes. Honestly, where would the Meg White, Paris Hilton, Screech, and Sizemore tapes have been without obscuring, impenetrable gray fuzz screening us from the horrors occurring before our eyes?
Frankly, I thank the Lord that for some reason, despite living in a time when cameras the size of a push pin can deliver stunning color and clarity, all the people taping past-their-prime celebrities having sex are apparently doing so on old Hi-8 cameras smeared with Vaseline.
There are really only two notable things about the tape. Firstly, these clips where Simmons’ gal pal, when not slamming her stunningly huge and stunningly fake breasts against one another like someone trying to start a fire, refuses his repeated attempts to kiss her. I’m guessing she was worried his massive tongue would somehow reach into her body, then find and crush her still-beating heart. KISS used to have him do it on stage to kill time while Ace Frehley went to the bathroom.
The second interesting thing is the fact that everyone seems shocked. How could Gene Simmons, second only to Wilt Chamberlain in the field of bimbology, betray his longtime girlfriend by sleeping with a blond Austrian supermodel in a hotel room far away while on tour promoting energy drinks? Answer: with his penis, his t-shirt, and absolutely no emotion whatsoever.
Honestly, it’s as if the guy’s just so used to banging whatever women are around that he considers it a diplomatic duty. I wouldn’t be surprised if their sexual relationship began with a fifteen-minute break between public appearances and the sentence “well, I guess we should, you know…” followed by a long sigh and a tic mark in a tattered leather notebook.
All of which makes it a little disingenuous to make your sex track “I want to know what love is.” Seriously Gene, if you haven’t figured it out by this point, I doubt putting your junk inside this girl’s junk is going to provide the epiphany you’re looking for.
You’ll get there some day, though you be weary and offensive to the senses. Fight on, gentle soldier, fight on. Oh, and sorry about how (much more) fucked up your kids are about to be.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes amateur sex tapes as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 27th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under Celebrities, Gene Simmons, Sex Tape. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 19th, 2009 at 5:15 am
Hello, What a beautiful and awesome site. I adore what you’ve done with your setup and graphics. Thanks you so much.
June 29th, 2009 at 9:11 am
how many more times do you think ranger is going to plug his stupid website?
May 20th, 2009 at 3:45 am
Double WOW 2 your design!
August 30th, 2008 at 5:08 am
i’ve seen the clips and they’re actually… meh, nothing special. Although the “i wanna know what love is” song in the background made it slightly funny.
June 25th, 2008 at 10:20 am
OMG!
Recently there are hot discussion at hot dating club ____P l u s M e e t . c o m ____on Britney’s nude photos issue. It is said that her photos were stolen by a thief when she was on vacation in Hawaii.
Don’t know the female in the photo is Brintey or not. But many online friends think it’s her !!!!
March 3rd, 2008 at 8:43 pm
God, he looks so bored…
But my real question is, Who the fuck wears thong flip flops to seduce America’s Number One Glam Rock Star?? I’m just saying, I would at least wear heals….
March 3rd, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Paris Hilton looked like a rabbit.
March 2nd, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I got to poke Charlize Theron in the bum. I wonder if I should post that video on the ‘net?!
http://www.NeilsNotes.com
March 1st, 2008 at 9:58 pm
All these rock stars who brag about the huge volume of chicks they screwed, who cares when it’s really lousy and sad sex? Simmons bragging about getting laid 4000 times is about as exciting as someone bragging that they’ve jerked off 4000 times.
In fact, if I had to choose between:
1. Having sex just one more time with the person of my choosing.
or
2. Having sex with Gene Simmons 4000 times.
…I’m going with option #1.
March 1st, 2008 at 7:29 pm
I watched snippets of the video and had the same impression as Mr. Swaim…that this looked like something Gene did because it’s what he’s always done and he had no enthusiasm for the task. The fact that he’s chewing gum the entire time like a bored public works employee who is stuck directing traffic while his buddies work the road reinforces that notion.
February 29th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
The Plaster Caster thing is true (I kinda thought it was common knowledge).
For those who don’t know the story, Google “Cynthia Plaster Caster” and I’m sure you’ll find some interesting info (I’m not about to test-run it while at work).
I believe she also made casts of Page, Plant and Hendrix’ wangs. I can’t verify this one, but I’ve heard reports that Plant has never been happy with how his turned out. Something about those cold, damp English winters.
February 29th, 2008 at 8:36 am
KISS cock casts? I wonder what the going rate for those would be.
February 29th, 2008 at 3:53 am
They, the members of KISS, use to have their junk cast in plaster by their groupies so the groupies could take the cast home and use them as dildos. KISS had a song called Plaster Casters about it. I heard that in fifth grade so the veracity of that is highly questionable.
If that is true wouldn’t those casts make an interesting listing on Ebay.
February 28th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
@ IHaveA and glendoor: I’m sure it used to be bigger, it’s just been worn down by years of constant erosive friction.
February 28th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Well…if Sophie (Gene’s daughter) hates men now for what he’s done to her Mother by cheating on her, and wants revenge…I’m here Sophie! Use me for that revenge. I got your back. I’ll get on your back! I’ll spray your back! Since you’ve leaned out over the past season…HAWT! Nailing me would certainly get back at your Father! Call me babe! (even if you’re not of age…yet, your Mom would probably give me a note of permission. Hell…she’s probably feeling betrayed enough right now to join in on your and I!). BOING!
http://www.NeilsNotes.com
‘When you want to tell them what you REALLY think!’
February 28th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Yeah, I thought that too.
February 28th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
I have a bigger tool them him…
Thats makes me feel great.
February 28th, 2008 at 10:28 am
No way in hell am I watching that clip. NO WAY. I prefer to remember Gene in all his painted glory, not lazily humping yet another groupie.
February 28th, 2008 at 10:19 am
so…how big is it anyway?
February 28th, 2008 at 9:09 am
4000 times? Wow! 4000 fucking times. I dream for the day I’ve done it 4 times. Any girls on here that wants to help me out? I have a nice collection of action figures in my momma’s basement you might like to see!
February 28th, 2008 at 8:56 am
The Richard Simmons sex tape is worse, much worse.
February 28th, 2008 at 2:17 am
Good thing we have a mind-reader like you here to tell us what people you’ve never met really think, enolraic!
February 28th, 2008 at 1:09 am
@ lbh: No woman is ever truly “OK” with their man sleeping around No mater what she says she hates him right now and even if it is “OK” with them I doubt it is ever okay to make a sex tape of it!
February 27th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
The day I watch that tape is the day that I pen my own eulogy, shortly after I write one for Gene. Your links have tempted me in the past, Swaim, but no more.
February 27th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
@Swaim: I realize that a certain amount of self-loathing is a necessary ingredient for comedy, but I am beginning to grow concerned for you. Are the winters in Maine that bad ?
Much like the link you had for Paris Hilton’s twat in a previous blog, I think I’ll opt out of clicking on the link to that video. There are just some things this girl just doesn’t need to see.
@Unlucky Jerk: I wanted going to make some snarky comment about you watching the reality show,GSFJ. But I can’t because I’ve gotten sucked into watching bits of it when channel surfing. I tend to agree with you about the kids. They are what makes the show even remotely interesting and they seem to have their shit put together a little better than the usual celebreality offspring, although that’s not saying much.
@Ranger: “her lazy fat ass”? Ummm…have you ever actually seen Shannon Tweed? She’s, what, in her late forties or maybe older(?), had two kids and is still pretty Goddamn hot. Plus she’s OK with her boyfriend sleeping around. I’m guessing that on the best and luckiest day of your life you couldn’t even hope to snag someone like that. I’m also thinking the only way you could get & keep a girl, any girl, is chained in the cellar.
February 27th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
A LOT more where this came from at: http://www.NeilsNotes.com (plus the free Gene tape to download?!).
February 27th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
Gene probably went out and nailed this cutie as therapy for Shannon’s continued abuse towards his credit cards and her constant bitching about how much he works (that really pays for all her spending, lifestyle, etc.). I can’t blame the guy really. Give a woman a fish…she’ll eat for a day. Show her how to fish…and she’ll bitch all day that you haven’t bought her a fleet of fucking trollers to do the God Damned fishing for her lazy fat ass!
February 27th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
There’s going to be an episode of “Gene Simmons Family Jewels” that shows when Gene had to take a lie detector test about his fidelity to Shannon on Adam Carolla’s radio show. I guess that is moot now, huh.
His kids are far from fucked-up, though; they’re the most well-adjusted people on GSFJ and about a thousand times cooler than the Osbourne kids. The son is sarcastic and funny, the daughter is a really good sport and quick thinking, and they riff off their parents really well. They’re the only thing that makes his show bearable, really.
February 27th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
I wish every girl that ever allowed this guy to climb on them wore a pin that said “Gene fucked me.” I would point and laugh.
February 27th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Or if the shirt has pictures of people having sex on it with their shirts off. Or if it’s one of those shirts that looks like a naked torso. Or a tux. That’s just classy.
February 27th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Why is it that videos of peopl having sex, while still wearing their t-shirts, always irritate me? It sort of ruins the mood. Unless it’s a really cool shirt.
February 27th, 2008 at 10:43 am
Why, why did I watch this?
February 27th, 2008 at 9:42 am
Teh Lulz!!1!
February 27th, 2008 at 9:20 am
FIRST