The 4 Strangest Things Nobody Tells You About Life in China 5 Slapstick Failures by Modern Military Commanders 5 Things I Learned as an Anonymous TSA Blogger
Cracked Columnists

If The State Of The Union Addressed Real Issues

"My fellow Americans. It is my great honor and privilege to stand before you today and tell you-"

"-that the state of our Union is strong."

"To celebrate, Joe is going to pass out Snickers to everyone. Right, Joe?"

"What? No Snickers? The mini ones, even? I gave you one thing to do today, Joe. One thing."

"Now, we've had our fair share of hardships. We've faced many challenges, but we've kept the American spirit alive. We've kept our children on the crosswalks toward the future. (Talking over applause) But we have also tripped. We have also fallen, and we have suffered recent tragedy. But as we always do, as we always will, we persevere. We will move past this tragedy. No, Christopher Nolan did not receive a Best Director nod for Inception, but at least they probably won't give it to Aronofsky for that Black 'Yawn' piece of garbage."

"What's that, Joe? You liked that? Girl turns into a swan, in her head, kind of? That appealed to you?"

"Yeah, she was good; I didn't say she wasn't good. Dumb movie, though, Joe. Dumb movie. (talking over applause) No one asked you in the first place, Joe."

"Despite this misstep, our Union will survive. Sure, Inception was the most original film to hit the big screen in years. Maybe not "girl turns into a swan in her head, kind of" original, but original nonetheless. And, yes, America, Inception was nominated for Best Original Screenplay and Best Picture, but I suppose that is just a testament to movie magic and American innovation. We now, with pride and prosperity, can take screenplays and infuse them with nothing but the American spirit to produce complex, emotional, layered, and visually magnificent films without the help of brilliant directors. Surely that is what the Academy is trying to say by refusing Nolan a nomination for his work on Inception. In the wake of this unconscionable occurrence, we must pause in our time of darkness and honor directors of films like The King's Speech, with its linear plot, saccharinely-heartwarming story, and actors who based their performances not on direction, but on history."

"You liked that, too, eh, Joe? Yeah. Yes, I know. Yeah, he was good. I didn't say he wasn't good. Not a whole lot of mind-blowing direction there, though, Joe. Did you see Scott Pilgrim?"

"Well, whatever. Different strokes, I guess. What? It's a phrase, Joe."

"But now is not the time for despair, America. We must steel ourselves against our oppressors and come together to heal. We are at a crossroads. This is our Memento moment. If you want to make a difference in the life of film; if you want to make a difference in the life of a director-- become an Academy member. Through innovation and education, we can help Nolan get his due. Perhaps it will not be The Dark Knight Rises, but rest assured, together we will bring a renewed sense of security and reason to the Oscars."

"Yes, America, the day will come when the hearts of the Academy will not fail. But it is not this day. We are Marshall, America. We are legend. We're going to live on. We're going to survive. Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!"

"Thank you. Thank you, from me, the president. (talking over standing ovation) You hear that, Michelle? I'm the president. Still haven't gotten used to that. Holy shit."

(wait to see if standing ovation stops, but cut away befo-



Cody is really into politics. Those politics are into politics, which are into politics, which are into politics, and at the end you're not supposed to know if anyone was ever into politics. All he really wants is to return to America to see his two sites, Twitter and Tumblr. Thankfully, he thinks that award shows (much like the end of Inception) don't really matter anyway.

Need something else? Find it with Google!


  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Cody

  • Rss

More by Cody:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

160 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!