If The State Of The Union Addressed Real Issues

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If The State Of The Union Addressed Real Issues

"My fellow Americans. It is my great honor and privilege to stand before you today and tell you-"

If The State Of The Union Addressed Real Issues

"-that the state of our Union is strong."

If The State Of The Union Addressed Real Issues

"To celebrate, Joe is going to pass out Snickers to everyone. Right, Joe?"

If The State Of The Union Addressed Real Issues

"What? No Snickers? The mini ones, even? I gave you one thing to do today, Joe. One thing."

If The State Of The Union Addressed Real Issues

"Now, we've had our fair share of hardships. We've faced many challenges, but we've kept the American spirit alive. We've kept our children on the crosswalks toward the future. (Talking over applause) But we have also tripped. We have also fallen, and we have suffered recent tragedy. But as we always do, as we always will, we persevere. We will move past this tragedy. No, Christopher Nolan did not receive a Best Director nod for Inception, but at least they probably won't give it to Aronofsky for that Black 'Yawn' piece of garbage."

If The State Of The Union Addressed Real Issues

"What's that, Joe? You liked that? Girl turns into a swan, in her head, kind of? That appealed to you?"

If The State Of The Union Addressed Real Issues

"Yeah, she was good; I didn't say she wasn't good. Dumb movie, though, Joe. Dumb movie. (talking over applause) No one asked you in the first place, Joe."

If The State Of The Union Addressed Real Issues

"Despite this misstep, our Union will survive. Sure, Inception was the most original film to hit the big screen in years. Maybe not "girl turns into a swan in her head, kind of" original, but original nonetheless. And, yes, America, Inception was nominated for Best Original Screenplay and Best Picture, but I suppose that is just a testament to movie magic and American innovation. We now, with pride and prosperity, can take screenplays and infuse them with nothing but the American spirit to produce complex, emotional, layered, and visually magnificent films without the help of brilliant directors. Surely that is what the Academy is trying to say by refusing Nolan a nomination for his work on Inception. In the wake of this unconscionable occurrence, we must pause in our time of darkness and honor directors of films like The King's Speech, with its linear plot, saccharinely-heartwarming story, and actors who based their performances not on direction, but on history."

If The State Of The Union Addressed Real Issues

"You liked that, too, eh, Joe? Yeah. Yes, I know. Yeah, he was good. I didn't say he wasn't good. Not a whole lot of mind-blowing direction there, though, Joe. Did you see Scott Pilgrim?"

If The State Of The Union Addressed Real Issues

"Well, whatever. Different strokes, I guess. What? It's a phrase, Joe."

If The State Of The Union Addressed Real Issues

"But now is not the time for despair, America. We must steel ourselves against our oppressors and come together to heal. We are at a crossroads. This is our Memento moment. If you want to make a difference in the life of film; if you want to make a difference in the life of a director-- become an Academy member. Through innovation and education, we can help Nolan get his due. Perhaps it will not be The Dark Knight Rises, but rest assured, together we will bring a renewed sense of security and reason to the Oscars."

If The State Of The Union Addressed Real Issues

"Yes, America, the day will come when the hearts of the Academy will not fail. But it is not this day. We are Marshall, America. We are legend. We're going to live on. We're going to survive. Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!"

If The State Of The Union Addressed Real Issues

"Thank you. Thank you, from me, the president. (talking over standing ovation) You hear that, Michelle? I'm the president. Still haven't gotten used to that. Holy shit."

If The State Of The Union Addressed Real Issues

(wait to see if standing ovation stops, but cut away befo-


Cody is really into politics. Those politics are into politics, which are into politics, which are into politics, and at the end you're not supposed to know if anyone was ever into politics. All he really wants is to return to America to see his two sites, Twitter and Tumblr. Thankfully, he thinks that award shows (much like the end of Inception) don't really matter anyway.

Need something else? Find it with Google!


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