If The State Of The Union Addressed Real Issues
"My fellow Americans. It is my great honor and privilege to stand before you today and tell you-"
"-that the state of our Union is strong."
"To celebrate, Joe is going to pass out Snickers to everyone. Right, Joe?"
"What? No Snickers? The mini ones, even? I gave you one thing to do today, Joe. One thing."
"Now, we've had our fair share of hardships. We've faced many challenges, but we've kept the American spirit alive. We've kept our children on the crosswalks toward the future. (Talking over applause) But we have also tripped. We have also fallen, and we have suffered recent tragedy. But as we always do, as we always will, we persevere. We will move past this tragedy. No, Christopher Nolan did not receive a Best Director nod for Inception, but at least they probably won't give it to Aronofsky for that Black 'Yawn' piece of garbage."
"What's that, Joe? You liked that? Girl turns into a swan, in her head, kind of? That appealed to you?"
"Yeah, she was good; I didn't say she wasn't good. Dumb movie, though, Joe. Dumb movie. (talking over applause) No one asked you in the first place, Joe."
"Despite this misstep, our Union will survive. Sure, Inception was the most original film to hit the big screen in years. Maybe not "girl turns into a swan in her head, kind of" original, but original nonetheless. And, yes, America, Inception was nominated for Best Original Screenplay and Best Picture, but I suppose that is just a testament to movie magic and American innovation. We now, with pride and prosperity, can take screenplays and infuse them with nothing but the American spirit to produce complex, emotional, layered, and visually magnificent films without the help of brilliant directors. Surely that is what the Academy is trying to say by refusing Nolan a nomination for his work on Inception. In the wake of this unconscionable occurrence, we must pause in our time of darkness and honor directors of films like The King's Speech, with its linear plot, saccharinely-heartwarming story, and actors who based their performances not on direction, but on history."
"You liked that, too, eh, Joe? Yeah. Yes, I know. Yeah, he was good. I didn't say he wasn't good. Not a whole lot of mind-blowing direction there, though, Joe. Did you see Scott Pilgrim?"
"Well, whatever. Different strokes, I guess. What? It's a phrase, Joe."
"But now is not the time for despair, America. We must steel ourselves against our oppressors and come together to heal. We are at a crossroads. This is our Memento moment. If you want to make a difference in the life of film; if you want to make a difference in the life of a director-- become an Academy member. Through innovation and education, we can help Nolan get his due. Perhaps it will not be The Dark Knight Rises, but rest assured, together we will bring a renewed sense of security and reason to the Oscars."
"Yes, America, the day will come when the hearts of the Academy will not fail. But it is not this day. We are Marshall, America. We are legend. We're going to live on. We're going to survive. Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!"
"Thank you. Thank you, from me, the president. (talking over standing ovation) You hear that, Michelle? I'm the president. Still haven't gotten used to that. Holy shit."
(wait to see if standing ovation stops, but cut away befo-
Cody is really into politics. Those politics are into politics, which are into politics, which are into politics, and at the end you're not supposed to know if anyone was ever into politics. All he really wants is to return to America to see his two sites, Twitter and Tumblr. Thankfully, he thinks that award shows (much like the end of Inception) don't really matter anyway.
Need something else? Find it with Google!
The King's Speech was awesome, f**k you.
Replythis was stunningly unfunny. Like, I'm left staggered. Perhaps because I hate inception. I mean, seriously, just because your plot is painfully contrived and overtly complex DOESN'T mean its clever. I stopped taking it seriously as a movie after they genuinely came out with the line, 'You mean, we're in a dream within a dream... WITHIN A DREAM!?!?'
ReplyBlack Swan is also pretty balls though, so I'm with you on that one.
So THAT'S why we didn't get any Snickers.
ReplyDamn it, Joe!
Sheesh, I know "Inception" is the most significant thing in the country the past 2 years or so, but come on, it's not the ONLY issue!
ReplyWow, this is the worst "article" on Cracked.
Replyhater
CODY! YOU ACTUALLY MADE ME LOL REPEATEDLY AND PRETTY HARD! GOOD ON YA! THE s**t WITH BIDEN WAS JOKES!
ReplyInception was crap. It built up such a great premise, that Ellen Page's character was an architect that could build better than anyone, and then had her build linear, s**tty universes. Where were the buildings folding over on one another in her construct? Where was ANYTHING they referenced when she was being taught? The labyrinths, the dead-ends, any of the stuff that would have made the last half of the movie.... you know... interesting? Instead, it turned into Hallmark movie of the week s**t. and "He's dreaming.... OR IS HE?" What a cop-out.
ReplyDon't worry, when Inception: The Game comes out, you'll get to use all that cool Ellen Pag s**t.
You big dummy. If she built worlds with buildings folded over each other, the dreamer would know he was dreaming!!
I hope this helps.
Cody,
ReplyYou are an idiot, and your articles suck. Seriously. All of them. They just aren't funny. Pry your lips off Christopher Nolan's c**k for a little while. He's a great director, and the Batman movies and Inception are great, but you know what? Aronofsky's good too, and the Black Swan was a good movie. You pick that of all movies to bash, despite how well-reviewed it is by audiences and critics alike? Seriously f**k off, dude. This is why you aren't, and probably never will be, funny. I suppose it's my own fault looking for sane opinions on anything on the internet.
So the core of this complaint was "screw you, I liked Black Swan". Thanks for contributing another silly inane opinion to the internets; your cheque is in the mail.
f**k you idoit. ever heard of using a character narative for comic effect? it's obama who hates black swan, not cody.
anyway it's a joke. on a comedy site. stop whining. and shut the f**k up.
In the name of Satan, ruler of Earth, the King of the world, the Chief of the Serfs, I command the forces of darkness to bestow their infernal power upon us. Save us, Lord Satan, from the treacherous and the violent. Oh Satan, Spirit of the Earth, God of Liberty, open wide the gates of Hell and come forth from the abyss by these names: Satan! Ba'al Zəbûb! Leviathan! Asmodeus! Abaddon!
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesAllahu akbar. Ashhadu 'an la ilaha illa-allah, wa ashhadu 'anna Muhammadan rasulu-llah.
YOU ARE TOTALLY PHSYCO!! YOU NEED SOME SERIOUS HELP MY FRIEND....LOL
wow...never seen this before...
Uhm, the Muslim God isn't Satan...
Were you planning on adding a joke in here somewhere or did you misspell 4chan in the search bar?
So true, this article was so true....
ReplyIt seems that all they do here lately is bash movies and actors/actresses for no apparant reason,it's annoying and not funny at all.
ReplyCody, I am Dissapoint.
ReplyNice to meet you, Dissapoint.
f**king Awesome Stuff Cody!
ReplyBoth observation and fun-wise...
How? How is Cody still a columnist?? Way more people write actually funny articles that people read and they aren't columnists. Sorry, Cody but I hate reading your articles every time and being disappointed when they still don't make me laugh.
ReplyInception was a horrible movie, Black Swan was another horrible movie, but this used both horrible movies, to be an even more horrible what ever the hell it was. This sucked. Sorry, but it did.
ReplyHorrible movie, eh?
Could you elaborate on that? I mean, you didn't say "I didn't like that movie". No... You said "It's a horrible movie."
So, if you please, I should very much like to hear your reasoning for this derision of two critically acclaimed movies.
Anyway, I eagerly await your response...
Ps: I liked both movies. The initial exposition scene in Inception, involving Mal, Cobb, Arthur and Saito was very poorly handled and written, but everything else in both movies was flawless.
The cinematography was well above par, the casting was immaculate, the dialogue was well fleshed out, there was ample character depth and development, the pacing was -IMO- perfectly tuned to run in time with the masterful score...
I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the point.
So, if you please, provide reasons why you think they wer "horrible movies".
Peace out
I just scrolled thru most of that...
Replyi did too. yawn. i might as well do actual work instead of reading this crap
scale of 1-10
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesRobot me rates:
Inception: 6
Black Swan: 9
King's Speech: 10
This article: 6
Human stoner me rates:
Inception: 9
Blck Swan: 5
King's Speech: 8
This article: 7
Scale of 1-10
Robot me rates:
Inception: 10
Black Swan: Overall, 3. Portman/Kunis kiss, 50000000.
King's Speech: 4?
This article: DOES NOT COMPUTE
Human stoner me rates:
Inception: holy s**t, dude, that's f**king AWESOME and s**t... f**k...
Black Swan: *fap fap fap fap*
King's Speech: I bet all of those people would look better ON FIRE.
This article: f**k you, Joe. Get me some Snickers before I just straight up smack a ho.
scale of 1-10
Robot me rates:
Inception: 10
Black Swan: 5
King's Speech: 7
This article: 9
Human stoner me rates:
Inception: Woah... what?
Blck Swan: This is really good acting for porn.
King's Speech: Stupid king, thinks he's better than me. f**k YOU AND YOUR SPEECH!
This article: What is wrong with you, Joe? Scott Pilgrim was the movie of the year.
Robot me rates:
Beep boop.
Human stoner me rates:
Who invented crunchy peanut butter? It's peanuts......in peanut butter.
God damnit joe
ReplyWhat the hell is Inception?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesWelcome to Earth!
i have two things to say to you
1.your really dont know what inception is? f**k you sir f**k you, your are a pathetic waste of micheal swaims air (i know this is cody's article i just refer to all air like that)
and 2.La cucaracha, la cucaracha da da da da da da da La cucaracha, la cucaracha da da da da da da da La cucaracha, la cucaracha
Inception is a recent movie about a dude who can go into peoples dreams. that's about all I know about it
I suppose there could have been a different way to voice your opinion in regards to the Academy nominees, but I understand the connection between that and the State of the Union speech since they were basically hours apart.
ReplyI enjoyed "Inception", and thought "Black Swan" was entertaining, and no awards ceremony can/will make me feel differently towards them. It is up to the audience, not some board of self-indulging old men to really appreciate and praise the enormous, collective effort that is put into making quality films.