If Books Weren't Dead, I Would Be Famous Right Now
For the last week I've been trying to find something in the news about books or authors to blog about. Why? Well, I'm glad you asked. Because I am now officially available in print -- like in a book store. And, no, I'm not talking about Vol. III of the ill-fated Cracked magazine where I delighted Janet Maslin of the New York Times with my ribald satire of Lindsay Lohan's vagina. I'm talking about being published in an actual book. With pages. And a cover.
Uber-hip, literary website McSweeney's Internet Tendency has seen fit to include me in their latest offering: McSweeney's Joke Book of Book Jokes. How exciting is that? Pretty exciting. Just ask my bosses. They're extremely pleased about the much-needed credibility my literary achievement has brought to this blog. (Lex, thank you for the roses. Jack, the According to Jim DVD collection was nice too.) Sure, Ian Cooper was included in McSweeney's last book, and Jason "one blog post then quit" Roeder has a whole book out now, but screw 'em. They're not here. They took off to their ivory towers, leaving me to languish alone with my child-like, functionally illiterate co-bloggers.
So, yeah, I'm a pretty big deal. But for some reason, I thought I could only justify telling you if I found some story about another wildly important and famous writer first. But no one reports on writers anymore. I found one article about Tom Clancy -- his house deck burned down last week. Not much to support a post. God hates homophobes, I guess. Then I found a story about JK Rowling saying she contemplated suicide. Apparently, it was before she was famous. I had assumed it was after she saw the Jar Jar Binx-esque CGI that was used for werewolf, Mr. Lupin, in Prisoner of Azkaban. But that's about it. No good author news. In fact, DIGG doesn't even have a category for books or literature. Not even a category.
What does that mean? It means we live in a world where authors are no longer rock stars. Hell, rock stars aren't even rock stars anymore. Who are the rock stars today? Reality show contestants? I'm not sure, but I do know my inability to find a blog-worthy author story almost kept me from sharing such wonderful news.
But then I realized something. Who needs to link to a real story? That's for amateurs. Children. I'm the oldest Cracked blogger, and I'd better start acting like it. (I actually don't know if that's true. I know nothing about Chris Buckholz other than he's part robot and has no interest in speaking to me.) But as someone 
clinging to the edge of Cracked's demographic, I will assert myself now. And why not? I earned it. I own some vinyl LPs, I have a 401k, and my testicles have fully descended. Do you understand? I bought OK Computer the day it came out. I got bloodied up in a Soundgarden mosh pit in '93. And I know that my state income tax from the previous fiscal year can be claimed as a deduction on my current Federal return. So if I want to explain to you that I sold a 600 word piece to McSweeneys for $100.00, and it's now included in a soft cover anthology, then I'm going to do it. Does that make me the world's greatest satirist since Jonathan Swift? In a way, yes. Yes it does.
Some of you might be saying, "Is Gladstone being hyperbolic here?" And when I say "some of you," of course, I mean the readers. (Mikey, Rossie, and Dannie think "hyperbolic" is a word for some kind of chamber that can turn you into a super hero. Chris might use that word, but, like I said, he's a robot so...) But to answer your question, yes, I'm exaggerating a wee bit about the above. I didn't actually bleed in the Soundgarden mosh pit. The rest is all true. Or I don't live in Maine.
Check out some more Gladstone over HERE and OVER HERE.
May we call you 'sell-out' now without any hint of irony? Also, congrats, you earned money!
ReplyA few comments:
Reply1. Crap, you're old. Well, I know you're not _really_ old, but what with me being jailbait that'll make it difficult for me to hit on you.
2. He is never called "Mr. Lupin." Mr. Lupin, according to the internet, is Remus's FATHER. *gigglegiggleSNORT*
3. Is the book good aside from your contribution? And do you get money from sales? Because otherwise I'll just walk into the bookstore, read your part, and leave.
oops, you mentioned scrabulous. gotta go!
Wow Gladstone I am impressed and depressed. I am depressed that I have the same taste in music as a geezer like you. I m obviously not as hip and cool as I thought. I am impressed though that you were a Soundgarden fan before Superunknown came out. You are getting better every post I read.
ReplyOr any Radiohead album and like the sound of an English guy being tortured to death while laying on three synthesizers.
ReplyRadiohead's finest album, unless you're more old school in which case you say The Bends, or if you're an insufferable non-conformist (and wrong), Amensiac.
Replywhats an OK computer???
ReplyDear God! he is old enough to be my father, as i am just now 18, well, i will make you proud, i swear, i will go to college, and all that, and pay for your old gray ass to get all the ladies in the hottest condos around. Just because you were not there for me as a father, doesn't mean i wont be there for you as a child.
ReplyMy Dad was so controllng over the thermostat(he would not turn on the air until June, and in Alabama and Texas that is a BIG deal) anyway, he was so controlling over the thremostat
Replythat I was in college before I realized that I could control the temp and turn on the heat and shit.
I guess you're not really a dad, then. Otherwise you would have been genetically encoded with some of the following threats:
ReplyDon't make me turn this car around.
If I have to come back there, you're going to be in trouble.
You're not really my kid, I bought you from Gypsies.
Christ people, I'm just in my 30's. Leave me alone and keep down that racket. You call that music? Don't make me turn these lights off and on.
ReplyWayne Gladstone: Doom Dad.
ReplyWhat is Ok Computer? and, also, is Gladstone old enough to be my father, and if he is, old enough to be my father, is he, in fact, my father? Maybe i have a daddy after all my friends! i do demand to go on Maury, and afterward, we can go for ice cream, and play Doom, just like real father son units.
Replymeh...
ReplyEven if you are old you can use phrases like " Back in the day(silly cockneyed phrase here)" and you can talk about life without electricity! It cant suck that much if you get to bother all the youngins about stuff they dont care about and dont want to hear about.
That depends if you decided to dedicate your life to wiping out crime in a fit of monomaniacal obsession to regain control from an event which shattered your soul. Did you do that? If so, then yes. If you just bought a mask, then you're still an individual. Congratulations.
ReplyIn responce to what shane n wrote.
ReplyI bought a Batman Mask after reading Dark Knight Returns. Does that count?
(the cape was wayyyyy to expensive)
You want to know why writers aren't rock stars any more?
ReplyHere's a lovely excerpt from an Ernest Hemingway letter:
"Got tight last night on absinthe and did knife tricks. Great success shooting the knife underhand into the piano"
You start doing that Gladstone, you'll be famous too.
oh, come on. All the really good books are retroactively based on the movies they inspire.
ReplyJack informs me he didn't stiff me. He just hasn't approved me... yet. On that note, why don't the rest of you commenters take the step that shayn and Kingmonkey already have? No, i don't mean nipple piercings, I mean, become my cracked buddy! You can click on the "Gladstone" link at the bottom of the post. The rewards are many.
ReplyLike that book H.G. Wells wrote that convinced all the Martians it would be cool to invade us. Oh, sure, their media puppet Orson Welles covered the whole thing up, acted like it was a hoax, but the fact is: they did invade, and now they are among us!
ReplyThat, my friends, is why burning books is a good thing.
StiffLimpen: I read a book that showed me conclusively books used to inspire far-sweeping trends. But pretty much not since movies, unless the book is adapted to film.
Replyshayn n.