INT. S.H.I.E.L.D. HEADQUARTERS - 1989
MICHAEL DOUGLAS storms in to confront JOHN SLATTERY, HAYLEY ATWELL, and MARTIN DONOVAN.
Hello you fucking assholes. You S.H.I.E.L.D.-tards have been abusing my
magical shrinking potion, somehow. Or maybe you will in the future,
I don't really know. The point is, you can't anymore. I'm taking it.
And I'm magically deleting all the records of it so no one can ever use it again.
Slow the hell down there, Gordon Gecko. Heh, heh.
Gecko? Ants? Huh?
(because, crickets? Ants? Get it?)
Anyway, look, you can't just hide this from the world! You can
shrink organic matter! That's a game-changer!
Pfft, what possible applications could shrinking powers have?
Shipping and storage, for one. We could keep enough food to feed
Los Angeles in a manila envelope if we had your red shrinky juice. That's just
off the top of my head, and I'm going to develop Alzheimer's any minute now.
Screw you and the spinoff TV series you rode in on. I didn't invent this
shrinking formula just so it could fall into the wrong hands. Or any hands
for that matter. Science must never advance and everything should stay the same!
"Except for de-aging CG; no way I'm looking like Franken-Bridges from Tron: Legacy."
(does fuck-all for rest of movie)
MARVEL'S PATENTED HANDSOME FUNNY WHITE GUY GENERATOR spits out PAUL RUDD, GOOFY EX-CON with a CHECKERED PAST and a HEART OF GOLD. The soundtrack tries really hard to NOT play "Hooked On A Feeling" as he walks out of PRISON.
Hey, amigo! Nice to see you! You haven't changed a bit!
Yeah, even maximum-security prison couldn't take away these charms. How you doing?
That's hilarious. We should joke about that constantly.
So how's things with your daughter and your ex-wife and your ex-wife's new husband?
They love me, are friendly towards me, and are slightly suspicious of me,
respectively. Honestly, they're wayyy nicer to deadbeat, ex-con, hanger-on old
me than I have any right to expect. It feels more like I spent two weeks on
a business trip than three years of hard time.
So what now? You wanna commit some crimes together?
No. I'm straight edge now.
(works 10 seconds at Baskin-Robbins)
Fuck this, let's make crime happen.
PENA assembles his CRACK TEAM of HARDENED THUGS, T.I. and DAVID DASTMALCHIAN.
OK. Personalities. Go.
I'm black, homie.
Am Russian, comrade.
"Are your abilities movie stereotypes based off your ethnicities?"
Cool. Done. So whaddaya got for me?
Well, my cousin's ex-wife's personal trainer's cat's original owner's state
senator's second-favorite masseuse has assured me that there's some old guy
named Michael Douglas living in a decent-sized mansion on the other side of town.
He's gonna be on vacation for a week. We should hit the joint.
Do we know what's inside?
Do we know what security he has?
Fuck it. It's either this or Anchorman 3.
INT. DOUGLAS RESIDENCE
PAUL scoots on down to CASA DE DOUGLAS and breaks in SUPER EASILY.
Almost suspiciously easy. A hardened burglar such as myself might worry about
that, but more importantly, no he wouldn't. Now I'll just start stealing
these paintings off the walls, maybe snag some of that expensive china or
a flatscreen TV, and see if there is any jewelry in the OOH A SAFE!
I don't know, man. That safe's a century old and made from solid steel.
Wait a second ... steel. Steel is a metal ... and the Titanic was made of metal!
And the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg! And icebergs are made of ice!
PAUL drills into the safe and pours LIQUID NITROGEN inside, which then EXPANDS and EXPLODES the entire door, a trick which will sure come in handy when he gets his ICE POWERS. Inside he finds-
Aww, man. It's just a shitty knockoff Star Lord cosplay suit. It's even got
the same color scheme, the same goofy red-eyed helmet, the same leather motif.
I should really grab the microwave upstairs; I mean, it'll probably
pawn for more than this thing.
"Did we break into the Machine from 8mm's house?"
But PAUL takes the SUIT because he is an IDIOT. He goes home and TRIES IT ON in the SHOWER.
Nope, nothing weird about trying on an old man's leathery gimp suit that he
kept hidden in a safe. Oh look, buttons. I should push them. There's no chance
this thing still has any battery life left after years in stora- HOLY SHIT!
My God! I am become the tiny! This has incredible implications for
man's understanding of physics, spatial reality, biology, and
OH DEAR GOD NO MICHAEL PENA IS GETTING NAKED!
PAUL falls through the FLOORBOARDS and lands in a RAVE CLUB and gets KICKED AROUND LIKE A PINBALL until he FALLS INTO A DRAIN and gets WASHED ACROSS TOWN, and then he lands in NARNIA for a bit and gets chased by MICE before getting LAUNCHED into ORBIT and SMACKED AROUND by MARTIANS who punch him into a TUMBLE DRYER full of SEWING NEEDLES, which he BARELY ESCAPES before everyone realizes this MULTI-MILLION-DOLLAR BLOCKBUSTER ACTION FILM has essentially become a TOM AND JERRY CARTOON, so PAUL grows BIG AGAIN and is FINE.
Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope. Nope. This suit gets a big nope out
of nope. I should
sell it to HYDRA for a billion dollars return it to
the old guy I stole it from, who's probably realized it's missing by now.
He DOES and is CAUGHT instantly!
Who could have foreseen this?!
INT. DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Meanwhile, MICHAEL has taken a trip to his old BUSINESS that he hasn't been involved with in DECADES.
Ah, the old stomping grounds. I remember the good old days, back when we used
to develop amazing new technologies that I would never share with anyone
ever. Hello, daughter of mine.
Greetings, Mr. Douglas. You have exactly 34 seconds to espouse
fatherly love to me before my next meeting.
Jesus, you're distant. But that's just an act to cover that
we're secretly working together, right?
Just then, MARVEL'S PATENTED EVIL BALD WHITE GUY GENERATOR spits out COREY STOLL, villainous CEO with DADDY ISSUES toward MICHAEL.
"Please, hold your applause for developed villains like Loki ... and ... uh ..."
Douglas Co. has been taken over by me, Michael. Totally. You should probably
have Googled your own company sometime; these kinds of nasty surprises
can't be good for your heart.
COREY unveils his LATEST INVENTION to a group of GENERIC INVESTORS.
Now, I know what you're all thinking. We live in an age of wonders, where
Iron Men, Viking Gods, and whatever the fuck Vision is can swoop in out
of the aether and kick your ass on six different dimensions before you
have a chance to boost so much as one car radio. Well, worry no more,
potential supervillains! This "Yellowjacket" shrinking suit will allow you to be
small while doing general villainy, which should render you completely invisible
to anyone who doesn't have very good eyes! It also has tiny little lasers, which
are far more useful than big lasers somehow. It comes in generic CGI yellow.
GENERIC EVIL INVESTOR
Yeah, I'm just not seeing a percentage in shrinky powers. I mean, what's that
fight scene going to look like? It would just be one bad guy fighting
thin air while the tiny good guy zips around him exactly one pixel
wide. Not exactly a thrilling prospect.
I'm sorry you feel that way, Generic Evil Investor. Allow me to just follow you
into the restroom like a creeper and fucking murder you by shrinking you into a
little blob of organic jizz and flushing you down the toilet.
GENERIC EVIL INVESTOR
On second thought, I think I'd love a dumb Yellowjacket suit-
I am so smart.
PAUL sits around doing nothing in JAIL, when a bunch of ANTS come into his cell and give him the SHRINKY SUIT.
Ewww. Also, Yaaaay!
PAUL escapes by shrinking down and FLYING ACROSS TOWN on the back of a WINGED ANT that can apparently travel at SUPERSONIC SPEEDS. He gets to MICHAEL'S HOUSE.
"Hey, do we have time to stop by my childhood bullies, NeverEnding Story-style?"
I suppose you're wondering why I've called you into my Exposition Parlor
this evening. I've been watching you, Paul. You have exactly the right amounts
of charisma, charm, joie de vivre, laid-backness, cheekbones, and ability
to make stupid lines sound funny that a Marvel protagonist requires.
I want you to be the Ant-Man.
Awesome! My very own action franchise!
Not quite. This is a heist movie. Well, inasmuch as it features slightly more
explainy scenes than usual before the traditional third act rooty-tooty-shooty
CGI fuckfest kicks in. Now, allow me to present you with your love interest,
that Mary Sue elf from The Hobbit who also happens to be my daughter.
(kicks Paul in the nuts)
(flips off Michael)
I think she hates me.
Thank god! There's no surer sign that you'll be banging by the time the credits roll!
Yeah, but why does she hate her own father so much? Did you get drunk
and beat up her mom or something?
No, we left that part out of this version of Hank Pym, for some reason.
Even though we then made a running joke of me hitting people.
MICHAEL gazes wistfully at his collection of meticulously framed photos of his WIFE looking away or behind a wall or wearing a huge floppy hat or engulfed in whipped cream.
You see, back before I yanked Evangeline out of Marvel's Patented Humorless
Bitchy Love Interest Generator, I was the Ant-Man myself, doing the generic superhero
thing way back in the '60s with my wife, the Wasp. On one mission, we had to
stop a Soviet nuclear missile from reaching the mainland United States. She had
to shrink down into the subatomic realm in order to pass through the missile's
exterior and disable it, becoming lost in the cracks in reality in the process.
Afterward, I made a solemn vow to do right by my only remaining
family member by becoming cranky, bitter, and distant.
"I and FUTURE SEQUEL/PREQUEL ORIGINAL WASP ACTRESS loved you too much to tell you the truth."
Subatomic? How did THAT happen?!
That's what happens if you shut off the regulator on the suit. Everything else
on Earth apparently has its own built-in regulator, since nothing ELSE goes
subatomic when you throw Pym Particles at it, but-
That's not what I meant. You said earlier that Pym Particles REDUCE the space
BETWEEN atoms. So how the living fuck does it make anything SMALLER than atoms?!?
Because, er, the fifth element is love? I dunno.
All right, well, this movie ain't gonna montage itself!