The other day, while hiking in the mountains, I came across a bearded man screaming things. But what would normally be a pretty dicey situation turned into something else entirely when the man patiently screamed at me that he was, in fact, God.
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"What a scoop!" I was heard to remark.
God explained to me that he was disappointed in the faults of man and had descended to rain untold damage upon us. "But God," I said calmly, "not all humans are wicked. Consider the good people at Cracked.com, who are constantly trying to give the people interesting facts about science and celebrities."
After a little more screaming, I realized that God was mainly angry about how people were ignoring the Ten Commandments he had once given Moses. I wondered aloud if this might be a problem of language and explained the importance of tailoring one's words to suit the needs of his audience. As the people of today have far different cultural experiences than the Hebrews of Moses' era, it stands to reason that they might find the words of the Ten Commandments confusing and hard to follow. A simple editing job might be all that is needed to pull our Commandment-obeying KPIs back out of the red.
God screamed his agreement with my plan, and after we scratched out some ideas in the dirt, I set down from the mountain to provide you, His People, some updated Commandments for your obeying pleasure.
10The Original: You Shall Have No Other Gods Before Me
I didn't really see the point of this one, thinking it was more of a problem back in the old days, when paganism was a lot more common. But God explained that he was also annoyed by our habit of worshiping things aside from Gods. In particular, he strongly disapproves of certain aspects of fandom, our celebrity-focused culture, and also, obviously, the Kardashians.
The Updated Version: Keep Up With God
I pointed out to God that this might be an issue of branding, and by copying a proven format he might increase the buzz surrounding him and steal market share from other, lesser deities. By designing this Commandment to mimic a certain well-known reality show, it will encourage the world to "keep up with" God as he goes about his daily activities, like sitting in a room or starting a new clothing business.
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Also, arguments with his wacky family.
9The Original: You Shall Not Make Idols
The intent of this Commandment was that we should worship God and only God. And even though we're not worshiping golden calves anymore, our consumerist culture has made a real mockery of this concept. Just watch some unboxing videos on YouTube if you need an example of what modern idolatry looks like.
The Updated Version: Your Art Sucks
I suggested to God that we might try something that really grabs the attention, like an insult. God seemed really excited by the idea and screamed many insults that were unfortunately of little use, mainly because they used letters not pronounceable by the human tongue. We eventually settled on this simple solution, and I think it works. It reminds us that all of our greatest books, movies, and Pokemon are naught but ash compared to the limitless beauty of His Presence.
God also wants us to be a lot more ashamed of Fuller House.