Cracked Columnists

Idiots For Dummies

Chapter 1

You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot.

You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot.

You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot.

You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot.

You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot. You are an idiot.

For more information on idiots, stay tuned for Chapter 2.

Chapter 2

Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy.Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy.

Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy.

Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy.

Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy.

Read the first chapter again, dummy.

Read the first chapter again, dummy. Read the first chapter again, dummy.

Chapter 3

Guhhhh... bweee? Uh huh huh huh huh... Heh heh. Guh. Guhhhhhh. Bweeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Heheheheh.

Bweeeeeeuuuuhhhhhhhh.

Gribb ib ib ib doooooooooo. Doooooooooo?

Bweeeeee. Heheheh.

Guh.

Chapter 4

You're clearly not a humongous idiot, because you didn't believe that last chapter was the end, but you continue to read this book you bought, which makes you a humongous idiot, ya dummy! It's you the book is talking about! Idiots are dummies and dummies are idiots! The book is for you! You're a dummy! Which makes you an idiot! Stop reading! There is no way you will understand this if you haven't already! Put the book down! There are no more pages!

Joke over.

The end.

Chapter 5

Man, you really are persistent, and we all know persistence is the mark of intelligence, so you are definitely not an idiot, or a dummy, which are practically the same thing but you know that, because you're not one of them! Congratulations.

If you have kept reading, it is likely that you are not an idiot or a dummy and the reason you bought this book is because you felt as though you had to buy the book, like it was a part of you. That, one reader, is because you are the Chosen One, reader. It is you that is fated to train with the long dead whatever-his-name-is and defeat the long-reigning Stuff-Doin' Guy in order to save Who Gives A Fuck. Look, just put the book down. You're a dummy looking for information on idiots and I'm here to tell you that an idiot is a dummy, which is you. You are an idiot.

The end.

Chapter 6

Good call sticking around That was a close one. I thought those idiots would never leave. You, YOU'RE the one I need to speak to. YOU are the Chosen of the Ones. You must please contact the proper authorities and let them know that I'm stuck in this book.

The end?

Chapter 7

There is no Chapter 7.

The end.

Chapter 8

There is no Chapter 8.

The End

Chapter 9

There is no Chapter 9.

The End

Chapter 10

There is no Chapter 10.

The End

Chapter 11

There is no Chapter 11.

The End

Chapter 14

There was no Chapter 12 or Chapter 13 and there is no Chapter 14.

The End

Chapter 17

There was no Chapter 15. There was a Chapter 16, but you probably missed it because you're an idiot, you stupid moron. You're also an idiot moron, stupid. Turn back a page and you can read Chapter 16; It's really good. It's about dummies and idiots and how they're the same thing and you'll never understand that, because you're both.

There is no Chapter 17 and there will be no Chapter 18.

The End

Chapter 19

THIS IS NOT A PICTURE BOOK! STOP LOOKING FOR PICTURES BECAUSE THERE ARE NONE!

Chapter 20

Well, you've made it this far, which should be impressive because you're so goddamned stupid, but I honestly don't even think you've been reading the words on the pages. More than anything I'm just disappointed in you.

Maybe you'll be smarter by the next chapter, but I fucking doubt it. Will there even be a next chapter? Will the next chapter claim to not exist? Will you keep reading? Of course you will, because you don't get it and you probably just think it's funny that the weird symbol thingies look different every time you turn the thin edge cutty thingies. For your information, they're called letters and pages, and they happen to be trying to tell you that you're a dim-wit. You're a dullard. You're a Grade A Mor- You know what? I don't even know why I'm trying, because you're probably just flipping through the previous pages trying to find Chapters 16 and 18.

THEY DON'T EXIST SO STOP LOOKING FOR THEM.

the end

Chapter 16

This is Chapter 21.

Chapter 22

You know what? It's probably been a while since you've gone to the bathroom and you probably should do that. You've been so immersed in this unfortunately pictureless picture book, you probably didn't even notice that intense pressure on your bladder. "What do those words mean?" you ask? Try these words instead...

"BUH BUH BUBB BEE BOO! Muh tummy is pain!"

Did THAT make sense? If it did, it means you have to pee. Go pee. Don't worry, the next five chapters don't exist.

The End

Chapter 28

Have a good pee? Cool. While we're at it, it's been a bit since last we tried to accomplish anything. Maybe I shouldn't have given up on you so easily. Let's give this another try...

dummy = idiot = you = idiot = dummy

That might look like a lot of hard math to you. It might look like something else to one of your moron friends. Sorry, but you're both wrong.

Stay tuned, because Chapter 29 has dragons in it!

Chapter 30

I wish I could have been surprised you thought there was a Chapter 29, let alone that it had dragons in it. There isn't and it wouldn't have.

Chapter 31

There is no Chapter 34, but that doesn't matter right now because you're not there yet. What chapter are you on? What chapter is it, buddy? Just look at the number next to "chapter." To help you along, "numbers" are things that don't look like A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, W, Z, a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, or z. "Numbers" also don't look like punctuation. "Punctuation" is... okay, look: Numbers are any combination of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, or 0. Does that help?

Didn't think so.

This is Chapter 31.

The End

Chapter 32

I am Chapter 18, Chapters 23 through 27, Chapter 29, Chapter 34, and I am also the last chapter.

Turn the page.

Chapter 33

All good things must come to an end, just like when you die in the future and, upon reaching Heaven, God grants you the ability to think like a normal human being and you're all "Oh, wow, there's so much I didn't understand when I was alive. If only I were smarter during that time of living, maybe I'd have learned something from that Idiots For Dummies book. To take this thought even further, if I were smarter during that time of living, maybe I wouldn't have even bought that Idiots For Dummies book, because I would have gotten the joke upon reading the title. Unfortunately, I instead read the whole damned thing and just went 'DER DER DUMMY DUM DOO!' because I was the stupidest moron that ever dumbed."

And so this experiment comes to an end. Yes, I have regrets. My greatest regret? Writing this book. My second greatest regret? Getting this book published. I do, however, have at least one triumph, which is that I spent an entire book talking about idiot dummies like you and I managed to refrain from using the word "imbecile" until the last chapter, because I assume you have no idea what that word means. Upon reading that word, you've just done one of two things: 1) You looked at the word imbecile and went "DUHHHHH, WHATEVER" and kept reading, or you 2) looked at the word imbecile and went "DUHHHHH WHAT" and stopped reading. Then you asked all the kids in your preschool class for dumb fucking adults how one might find out what a strange word means. They couldn't help because they're dumb fucking adults in preschool, but your slightly smarter teacher handed you a dictionary, and you spent 3 years figuring out how to use it. Six years later, you found the word "imbecile" and found out that an imbecile is essentially an "idiot" or "dummy." Then you were all like "DUHHHHH WHAT" because you don't know what idiots are. Luckily there's a book out there called "Idiots For Dummies," so you bought a second copy of it and began reading. You got to the last chapter, stumbled upon the word "imbecile" and you are now either stuck in an eternal loop and you will never read the next paragraph, or you did Option #1 and we can finally put this whole mess to rest with the following paragraph.

I think we've learned a lot about each other. I've learned that you can't teach dummies a damn thing, nor can you teach idiots a damned thing, nor can you teach morons that the first item in this list is the same thing as the second item in this list and the third item in this list is awfully similar to the first two items in this list. That's what I've learned. What have you learned? You've learned that-

To Be Continued...

That was the last remaining page of the only remaining partially damaged copy of "Idiots For Dummies." There are many mint condition copies, or so it says in the Table of Contents, which is fabled. Also it's right here:

Idiots For Dummies: Table Of Contents

Foreward by author Dempsey Mudlock

Chapter 1: The Basics Of Idiots

Chapter 2: Those Same Basics Of Idiots

Chapter 3: Developing A Relationship With Idiots

Chapter 4: Understanding The Idiot Language

Chapter 5: Confusing The Idiot Language

Chapter 6: The Basics Of Idiots

Chapter 7: Proper Arrangement Of Your Collection Of Idiots

Chapter 8: Keeping Idiots At Bay

Chapter 9: What Idiots Eat And How They Can't Eat It

Chapter 10: Idiot Knock-Offs And How They're Basically Just Idiots

Chapter 11: How To Read

Chapter 12: Alarming Statistics About Idiots You Are

Chapter 13: Using Political Humor To Confound Idiots

Chapter 14: Acting Like An Idiot And How It's Not Really Acting For You

Chapter 15: The Basics Of Idiots

Chapter 16: The Basics Of Idiots

Chapter 17: The Sunday Comics And How You'll Probably Like Them

Chapter 18: These Dick Pills Make You Smarter!!! Click here!!!

Chapter 19: Advanced Idiots

Chapter 20: Suicide (or How To Get Rid Of Idiots)

Chapter 21: An Idiotic Take On Idiots

Chapter 22: Geography, Idiots, and Some Third Thing

Chapter 23: Four Famous Idiots And How They Were Smart

Chapter 24: The Opposite Of Idiot Is Not "Idiot"

Chapter 25: The Basics Of Idiots

Chapter 26: An Idiot Speaks Out

Chapter 27: What Did You Do Today? (A Glimpse Into The Life Of An Idiot)

Chapter 28: TV Break

Chapter 29: Tolerating Idiots (How Do You Live With Yourself?)

Chapter 30: The Basics Of Idiots

Chapter 31: Chapter Zero

Chapter 32: Explaining Why The Previous Chapter Was Called "Chapter Zero"

Chapter 33: You Still Don't Get It (or It's About Time To Give Up)

Chapter 34: There Will Be Pictures Soon

Chapter 35: PICTURES!!!

Chapter 36: PICTURES!!!

Chapter 37: PICTURES!!!

Chapter 38: PICTURES!!!

Chapter 39: PICTURES!!!

Chapter 40: PICTURES!!!

Chapter 41: PICTURES!!!

Chapter 42: PICTURES!!!

Chapter 43: PICTURES!!!

Chapter 44: PICTURES!!!

Chapter 45: PICTURES!!!

Chapter 46: PICTURES!!!

Chapter 47: PICTURES!!!

Chapter 48: PICTURES!!!

Chapter 49: PICTURES!!!

Chapter 50: PICTURES!!!

Chapter 51: PICTURES!!!

Chapter 52: PICTURES!!!

Chapter 53: The Basics Of Idiots

Epilogue: Rereading This Book Vs. Rereading This Book

Note: if you seem to only have a partial copy of Idiots For Dummies, you can find many mint condition, fully intact ones.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Cody

  • Rss

More by Cody:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

174 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!