How many times have you opened your copy of the Outer Topeka Daily Anti-Semite looking for a quick diversion, only to find weighty stories of global chaos and economic catastrophe? Well, my friends, I refuse to believe my grandfather died fighting the Huns on the shores of Luxembourg or wherever so that any man, woman, child, or transsexual should feel obligated to read anything important, ever. That’s not my America.
Therefore, it is with this in mind that I hereby inaugurate a new feature, wherein I scour the netwaves for those news stories that are the most absolutely, positively unnecessary, and share them with you, so that you may bask happily in their complete and total irrelevance to your lives. Let’s begin!
The Legend of Octo-Girl: Despite the fact that public demand for superheroes is at an all-time high, one potential crime-fighting natural wonder is about to be nipped in the bud. This amazing Indian child (secret identity: “Lakshmi”) was born with two times the arms, two times the legs, and eight times the charm of a normal baby. Tragically, misguided doctors plan to remove this adorable tot’s extra limbs long before she has a chance to grow into a teenage mutant ninja cephalopod with a thirst for justice.
Kim Cattrall Begs Nephew Not To Go To Iraq: Kim Cattrall, who in my mind is always wearing her sexy Big Trouble in Little China outfit, has been trying to convince her nephew to say “thanks but no thanks” to fighting in Iraq. (We’re still fighting in Iraq? Where have I been?) So far, her main method of persuasion has been to send the 18-year-old gruesome articles and photographs from the conflict. If I were in the young soldier’s position (which I would never be—fallen arches, bad eyesight, and a note from my doctor confirming that I’m a coward), I would respond by immediately trying to convince Auntie Kim to not appear in the new Sex in the City movie by sending her grisly closeups of her own wrinkles.
Great Wheel of China: The Chinese, who are continuing to kick our asses at everything from giant/midget comedy teams to sheer multitude of Wangs, have upped the ante once again by unveiling plans for the world’s largest Ferris Wheel (or as Rosie O’Donnell would say… well, let’s not get into that). If my wild speculations are true, the 700-ft. tall wheel will include such features as:
This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 6th, 2007 at 4:00 pm and is filed under China, Kim Cattrall, Medical Oddities, Unnecessary News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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August 18th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
I added this to digg
March 2nd, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Kim’s career would continue were she to get a set of ‘C’s’ (minimum) thrown into that pathetic chest of hers.
http://neilsnotes.com/?page=15&catid=32&sku=E-CD00410
December 2nd, 2007 at 4:33 pm
mellowship says “what the hell guys, this is the internet. You aren’t meant to get along!”
You are so right, pee-head. I hope you choke on a pine needle, choke on it and die!.
Can we be friends now?
They allow Harley’s in Norway? That is friggen awesome! I want to live there. After a hard day of raping, pillaging, and plundering I could go for a relaxing ride on on my Harley. (I don’t own one, but I could probably plunder one).
November 28th, 2007 at 12:25 am
“Thanks for the kind words.”
“you all have my deepest respect”
what the hell guys, this is the internet. You aren’t meant to get along!
November 22nd, 2007 at 7:32 pm
OCTO-SEX!
c’mon you were all thinking it.
November 14th, 2007 at 4:29 am
i think there’s a handjob joke in here somewhere… i just can’t quite put my comedic finger on it.
November 7th, 2007 at 11:02 pm
“Here it roughly translate to deliberately run some over with your harley and doing time for it” I don’t quite know how to respond to that…but, I did read that Lakshmi’s family had to hide her away because a circus wanted to buy her.
They must respect children more in India. Over here, there’d be some parents thinking “ka-ching!”
November 6th, 2007 at 10:22 pm
anyway.this is a great website with a lot of talent.And i understand all the work put into it.actually this is one of my favorite comedy sites.and i`m always checking in for new stuff.so you all have my deepest respect.Wish you all the best.
badhog
November 6th, 2007 at 9:56 pm
No problem Gladstone.No offense taken.Here it roughly translate to deliberately run some over with your harley and doing time for it
November 6th, 2007 at 9:26 pm
Your English is strong, badhog. And we see your point. In Ian’s defense, though, I think the joke is on him. Like he’s under the belief that surgery would be a bad thing because to him, she must be a super hero.
BTW, ironically, in America, “badhog” roughly translates to “enjoys jokes about child abuse and genocide.”
Thanks for the kind words.
November 6th, 2007 at 9:13 pm
Zing!
November 6th, 2007 at 9:08 pm
That said,i find this web site one of the best around,and i have a great respect of all the great work put in to this site.keep it up folks.best regards.
badhog
November 6th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
BTW, if it makes you feel better, Lakshmi is actually revered as a god in her hometown. That’s not a joke.
November 6th, 2007 at 8:55 pm
i think you got my idea Gladstone.I really enjoy this website,and visit it evey day.I just think this was a very cheap shot.I don`t want to debate you,because english comes very hard for me.best regards from Norway badhog
November 6th, 2007 at 8:51 pm
badhog, you have to forgive Ian. He hasn’t been the same since his removed parasitic twin got the lead in Good Luck Chuck.
November 6th, 2007 at 8:47 pm
You say “comedy” and “bad taste” as if the two were mutually exclusive.
November 6th, 2007 at 8:44 pm
Why do you assume that this isn’t Ian’s child? Are you some kind of racist?
November 6th, 2007 at 8:41 pm
what if this was your child?would you post her on this site just for comedy?I find the line between comedy and bad taste very fine