Ian's Unnecessary News Roundup
Not a day goes by that I don't receive countless e-mails, letters, phone calls, telegrams, candygrams, strippergrams, and smoke signals, all expressing some form of, "Yeah, yeah---Wall Street in a panic, economy in the toilet, Hillary and Obama mud-wrestling, Ron Paul's sex tape---enough of that depressing stuff. We want more Unnecessary News!" Well, ask and ye shall receive, my imaginary friends!
Fist of a Tiger: In commemoration of the time he finally beat his father at golf, Tiger Woods has established the "Fist Pump Challenge" to inspire young people to celebrate their own accomplishments. The legendary Nike spokesmodel said he hopes the challenge will help kids "highlight the moments in their lives that brought them closer to reaching their goals." When asked for examples, Woods said that possible "Fist Pumping" moments could include the first time you beat your father in a game, the first time you beat your father into unconsciousness, or the first time you got fisted.
I'm Not Dead, I'm Just a Little Chile: Proving once again that the third developing world is an endless source of medical mishaps and shenanigans, funeral-goers in Chile were astonished recently when Feliberto Carrasco, whom they had come to mourn, woke up and asked for a glass of water. The 81-year old had been unconscious for so long that relatives believed him dead and even dressed him for his wake. After the miraculous "resurrection," Mr. Carrasco appeared to be fine, and has since returned to his favorite activities of pooping his pants, forgetting his own name, and wishing he was dead.
Lopez Sez No Mo-pez*: George Lopez star George Lopez has decided he will retire at the age of 55 to safeguard his health. The comedian and kidney-transplant recipient plans to perform for another nine years before hanging up his microphone for good. The transition should be easy, however, as Lopez retired from making people laugh in 1994.
*I nominate coming up with the title "Lopez Sez No Mo-pez" as my Fist Pumping moment. What's yours?
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ReplyLoganB:
Reply"At 2:45 p.m., the massage therapist showed up for Ledger's appointment, knocked on his door and got no answer. She later noticed Ledger was unconscious and called actress Mary-Kate Olsen, whose number was programmed into Ledger's cell phone, to seek advice.
Olsen said she would send over her private security. In the ensuing moments, the massage therapist realized that Ledger might be dead, called Olsen again, then called 911. Paramedics - and Olsen's security people - arrived minutes later."
Creepy!
My fist pumping moment is coming up for an explanation for that bodybuilder Rubick's cube video. Also my theorey is Ledger was killed by the Olsen twins.
ReplyI say Zac Efron is next. The stress of trying to act straight while filming movies about High School Musicals will catch up to him sometime...
ReplyI like George Lopez! He's a good hispanic guy that doesn't use the word "beaner" every 10 seconds, and still manages to be funny, and believe me, there's not a lot of good role-models out there....
ReplyWhat so no offensively homophobic 'queering catches up to you' remarks?
ReplyI am appalled Cracked, APPALLED.
Not JTT!
ReplyRiver Phoenix
ReplyThere's an outbreak of late-90s teen heartthrob deaths here, people.. first Brad Renfro (who you may remember from his Kevin Bacon Blowjob scene in "Sleepers") now Ledger... Any guesses on who's next? My vote is for Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
Replyyou know who killed ledger?
Replythe god damned batman.