Okay folks, time to set aside such weighty matters as Tom Cruise’s gun, Val Kilmer’s gut, and the amazing vocal talents of Gladstone, and once again turn your attention to those matters least deserving of attention… the Unnecessary News!
Asshole Adonis: Mustachioed macho-man Burt Reynolds told reporters recently that he hates looking at pictures from his 70s-sex-god days because they make him look like “an asshole.” The Cannonball Run II star much prefers recent photos, which make him look like an asshole with a really shitty facelift.
Nothing and Nobody: In accordance with my solemn vow of January 4th, nothing reportedly happened to no person this week, much to the shock of no one. Despite the fact that Starpulse is clearly baiting me, I steadfastly report that no half-unclothed person made any non-statement to any public employees regarding said lack of clothes or that non-existent person’s attractiveness, nor wrote any suicide notes, nor purchased any reproductive diagnostic tests at any time. It just didn’t happen!
And finally, in the item voted “Most Likely to Earn Me a Death Threat”:
Papal Bull: Just in time to be ten years too late, Pope Benedict XVI has lashed out at the colossally successful Harry Potter franchise. The Supreme Pontiff (shown here in his “Bad Santa” costume) argued in the Vatican’s newspaper L’Osservatore Romano that the popular books and films could lead children towards an “unhealthy” interest in Satanism, and away from healthier pursuits such as giving priests handjobs.
Unnecessary, I tell you!
Last 5 posts by Ian Cooper
- Ian's Unnecessary Farewell Post Roundup - January 31st, 2008
- Economic Meltdown: What Can YOU Do? - January 24th, 2008
- Ian's Unnecessary News Roundup - January 22nd, 2008
- When LOLcats Attack! - January 18th, 2008
- Rob Lowe's Brother's Girlfriend Having Affair with Val Kilmer's Mother's Son?! - January 15th, 2008
January 18th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
I went to a Lizard Spitting Academy here in Norway.
I can spit those suckers half way across a football field!
And by football, I mean soccer.
January 18th, 2008 at 6:01 am
I dunno, fucking dinosaur obsessed planners.
Spitting Lizard Academy would have been better I think.
January 17th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Jurasic Park II was ok… not great though. Why did they name a school after it though?
January 17th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I actually liked JPII, my high school was named after him.
He did seem to be all about forgiveness and generally giving second chances, even to the Turkish radical who shot him. Also, even though he called gay people ‘evil’, it was almost like he was forced to say it rather than believing it himself.
Oh, and i’m back from my serious discussion so fart titties wank jizz
January 17th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
JPII was a kickass motherfucker.
The Catholic Church could’ve done themselves a huge favor in the marketing department by not actually hiring a Pope who really does kinda look like Emperor Palpatine. I’m sure he’s pious and all, but he just looks so damn evil.
January 17th, 2008 at 11:47 am
I’m gonna just come out and say it… I miss JPII. Now THAT was a great Pope.
January 17th, 2008 at 9:53 am
I have here Pope Benedict’s response:
“Lash out at me with your vicious blogger hate. Strike me down and your journey to the dark side will be complete.”
January 17th, 2008 at 8:27 am
Well, the Pope ought to know about books leading to “unhealthy” interests, with “Mein Kampf” being required reading for the Hitler Youth and all.
January 17th, 2008 at 8:07 am
Isn’t that Britneys kid that mysterious silhouette is carrying?
Being piggybacked on a busty void will sure fuck him up even more …