Cracked Columnists

Ian's Unnecessary News Roundup

It's time once again to shed your worldly concerns about depressing issues like the global warming whatsit, the War on Whatever, the subprime mortgage doodad, and the fact that you had to scavenge your children's Christmas presents out of dumpsters (after scavenging those dumpsters out of larger dumpsters)---and ease your furrowed brows with the soothing inanity of the Unnecessary News. It's hypoallergenic, pre-digested, and guaranteed to work gently by morning. So let's get crack(ed)in':

un_huck1.gifSubliminal Huckbertising: Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee has been accused of flaunting his religion in a campaign ad which featured Huckabee in front of what appeared to be a floating cross. However, a spokesman insisted the imagery was accidental, saying, "it was supposed to be a burning cross!"

un_spears1.jpgBe Niece, Until it Is Time to Not Be Niece: Although Jamie Lynn Spears has confirmed that she is indeed "with child," older sis and parenting expert Britney is refusing to believe it:

... Hours after the news broke on Tuesday, the troubled pop star dismissed the reports. In video footage posted on TMZ.com, Spears is heard telling the paparazzi, "She's not. My sister is not pregnant."

However, Britney's denial actually fits quite well with her preferred philosophy on children: "If you ignore them, they'll go away."

un_pete1.jpgDohertyshambles: The rock band Babyshambles, which is rumored to be among the front-runners for a 2008 Grammy in the category of "Outstanding Performance by a Group whose Lead Singer Has Banged Kate Moss," was forced to scrap a recent show early after their beloved crooner Pete Doherty took ill:

Doherty... managed to perform eight tracks with his band before he was forced to leave the stage, insisting he was too sick to continue. The troubled star is alleged to be suffering from a bout of flu, which caused him to vomit and faint backstage.

... incidentally, "flu" is British for "drugs."

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