It’s time for another edition of the feature which provides you with essential news and analysis about vitally important topics of the utmost relevance to you. Opposite Day! Let’s begin…
Hat’s Off: Garth Brooks (whose 1997 Central Park concert was mistaken by me for a terrifying redneck invasion of New York City) has donated his trademark black cowboy hat (shown at right) to the Smithsonian Institution, where it will presumably be showcased as an article of national historical significance, somewhere between an original copy of the Declaration of Independence and Abe Lincoln’s buttplug collection. (In a related story, Chris Gaines’s eyeliner pencil was donated to the dumpster behind the taco truck in the Smithsonian parking lot.)
Marsters of the Homoverse: Actor James Marsters, formerly of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, got a little squeamish about some “Brokeback to the Future”-style action he engaged in while shooting the BBC sci-fi show Torchwood:
[Marsters] shared an on-screen smooch with openly gay actor John Barrowman for the hit show, but Barrowman claims Marsters wasn’t entirely comfortable with their man-on-man action. He says, “After the scene he snogged (kissed) his girlfriend to re-establish his masculinity.”
One little homoerotic kiss and he runs screaming to his girlfriend? Sounds like somebody has some issues about his sexual identity. Personally, I’m so confident in my masculinity that I had sex with like 10 guys before I even had breakfast this morning, just to prove how straight I am. Lightweight!
Put That in Your Toad and Smoke It: Desperate for new ways to fight the tedium of living in a relatively free, safe, prosperous, non war-torn country, American young people have begun experimenting with smoking the extracted venom of the Sonoran Desert toad, according to police. This novel method of self-medication is believed to have been discovered only after a rigorous experimental process during which the inventors had no reaction to the following:
- Poo-huffing
- Toejam snorting
- Antifreeze footbaths
- Poison oak brownies
- Tampon and banana sandwiches
- Dirt smoothies
- Scorpion enemas
- Licking old guys’ wallets
- Drinking pot
- Smoking wine
- Looking at pictures of sheep
Last 5 posts by Ian Cooper
- Ian's Unnecessary Farewell Post Roundup - January 31st, 2008
- Economic Meltdown: What Can YOU Do? - January 24th, 2008
- Ian's Unnecessary News Roundup - January 22nd, 2008
- When LOLcats Attack! - January 18th, 2008
- Ian's Unnecessary News Roundup - January 17th, 2008
November 23rd, 2008 at 9:13 pm
atbnise xeui ciqojfg mnpfo
November 21st, 2008 at 4:57 am
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November 21st, 2008 at 1:20 am
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November 13th, 2008 at 2:25 am
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November 12th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
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February 22nd, 2008 at 4:58 pm
I still want to tap Garth’s head with an axe handle, but that’s just me, right? Right?
December 11th, 2007 at 9:44 pm
Blame it on Homer (Simpson): Had to look into the whole Senora Desert Toad thing. Turns out that because of this critter “Toad Licking” is actually illegal in some states(http://www.californiaherps.com/frogs/pages/b.alvarius.html) . God Bless America.
December 8th, 2007 at 3:46 pm
Well, I can always hope, but until that happens I can hold on to the fact that at 40 years old I still laugh when somebody answers “What is your Uranus Alex?”(which happens more often than you think)
December 8th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
You’re just hoping one day someone will actually say ‘What is Glendoor42’s most unusual getting laid song’.
Oh and try 15. This morning. Whilest wearing a giant pink cowboy hat.
You amateur Mr Cooper.
December 7th, 2007 at 12:24 am
Michael Swaim, you took the words right out of my mouth, and it gets funnier every fucking time it happens. Oh and yeah, I think you liked the Futurama movie.
Ren, yeah it pretty sad that I had nothing better to with my time than to have Garth Brooks explain the hat thing .I don’t even fucking like Garth Brooks.
I do remember getting laid when a GB song was playing, Thunder Rolls, I think. You the one that is about the guy who beats his wife to death. Now that I think about it, it’s pretty sad to get laid to a song about spousal abuse and murder. Well she did live in trailer park, so maybe she was into that. You know, I think I’ve said to fucking much about personal life and that nobody here wanted to know that particular piece of trivia. I’m pretty sure it’s not going to show up on Final Jeopardy.
December 7th, 2007 at 12:00 am
10 guys, huh? Better have been unprotected. Otherwise it doesn’t count.
That’s what I’ve told all my friends who are gay and/or from Africa.
Get it? It’s an HIV joke. See how clever I was, playing off the stereotype that only homosexuals and people in Africa are HIV positive? See how I misconstrued those statistics?
God, I’m a clever motherjunker.
December 6th, 2007 at 11:12 pm
I too was roll’d. I don’t know what’s sadder, really, that I was tricked or that I wanted to read an article where Garth Brooks explains the differences between his black and white hats.
December 6th, 2007 at 9:34 pm
Dammit Ian. Best link ever. And that’s like the THIRD fucking time you’ve gotten me with it.
December 6th, 2007 at 4:37 pm
Jeebus, people, it’s just an absurd joke. Don’t overthink it.
December 6th, 2007 at 3:23 pm
all you jokers with your black/white hat sillyness, he clearly states in the intro to the article that it is opposites day. DOY.
December 6th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
When did the kids become too good for just some old fashioned toad licking?
December 6th, 2007 at 1:10 pm
Brentin, here’s an interview where Garth explains the black hat/white hat thing.
December 6th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
But Glendoor, it says his trademark black cowboy hat was shown in the picture. And it wasn’t. If that was intentional, I missed the joke.
December 6th, 2007 at 12:54 pm
sorry, masculinity
December 6th, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Oh yeah, I had sex with no men this morning or anytime that I can recall( I used to drink, A LOT, so anything’s possible). I guess I’m not as assured in my masculiity as you guys are.
December 6th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
Of course Garth is wearing his white hat , he gave away his his black hat , some people,
December 6th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
I only had sex with one guy…but he had fifty cocks!
Also, that poo-huffing thing deserves its own article.
Also also, looking at pictures of sheep=roflmaocoptertastic
December 6th, 2007 at 11:46 am
And I’m sure that it was entirely unintentional too. Ian, only 10? I took 20 just in my morning shower. Now who’s the lightweight?
December 6th, 2007 at 11:14 am
Um, Ian, in the picture of the “trademark black cowboy hat”, the hat he’s wearing is white.
December 6th, 2007 at 9:56 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIQABYx_M78
Family Guy “Toad Song” Grease Parody
Enjoy.