Well, my Cracked’y friends, it seems our enchanting time together is at a close, as I will shortly be off to pursue other endeavors (or “endeavours,” as our dainty readers from across Ye Olde Ponde would say). But before I go, I thought that rather than shoving out one more snarky post about celebrity proctological habits, it would be more fitting to turn the spotlight for once to you, the fabulous readers, whose ad-clicks have paid for my new kitchen.
So today I’d like to share some of my favorite reader comments from my stint here at the Cracked blog, separated into handy categories for your perusal. I believe they show that you are the true assholes here. I mean stars.
The Concerned Parents:
- badhog: what if this was your child?would you post her on this site just for comedy?I find the line between comedy and bad taste very fine
- jaek: Things of this nature only cease to be funny when something similar has happened to you or someone you care about. But that is typically what it takes for someone to gain prespective. A person who loves rape jokes would likely stop making them if they were subjected to that type of violence. It’s quite easy to point and laugh at the misfortune of others until then.
The Smartypantses:
- Ross: By the way, not to be a pedandic dick but Britain is four seperate countries with at least 10 or 20 counties each. Britain isn’t just London. Sorry to be pedantic, you know i love you guys (in a totally rugged manly way).
- Captain Ross: Technically to you British means English, therefore I escape on a geographical technicallity.
- Gladstone: Wait. I just realized you used the Walrus for Paul. True, Lennon said “the walrus was Paul” in Glass Onion, but that was a lie. John Lennon was the walrus — as in “I am the walrus, coo, coo, ca-joob”)
- RDawkins: I’d simply like to point out that Atheism is not a religion, rather, the absence of religion. I hope your consciousness has been raised.
- Brentin: Um, Ian, in the picture of the “trademark black cowboy hat”, the hat he’s wearing is white.
- Daniel O’Brien: Hey, if someone wanted to write a post about how people always use irony incorrectly, would it be ironic if the author of the post used irony incorrectly all throughout the post? Would that irony be nullified if it was discovered that the author used it incorrectly intentionally? Would that mean it ISN’T ironic anymore? Is it possible that there is NO SUCH THING as irony? I want you all to think about that while I finish up this heaping pile of cocaine.
The Sweethearts:
- Fatty: some of the best comments of all time, although the post was GAY. i vote comments limited to smart people
- Wallsy: Gladstone, Michael, your comments were funnier than the actual post. Kudos.
- Ben-jo-man: Well at least it does get funnier, unlike a certain unnecessary unnecessary news round up (Ed. note: “benjo” is Japanese for ‘vagina’.)
The LULZers:
- Gibbo: Mesa yousa friendly naybahooda Spidey, okey-day?
- Gladstone: Flies in your chardonnay when you’re an alcoholic who has a weird body chemistry whereby flies nullify the effects of alcohol.
- Andy Pants: Oh I get it, thanksgiving right? The American holiday that celebrates the genocide of the Native Americans or something?
- Ross Wolinsky: And here’s floatfish’s comment translated from Chinese back into English, then from English to Dutch, then from Dutch to French, then from French to Greek, then from Greek back into English: “It is marvellous blog. I keep but this I have blog this remarkable sugarmommymeet.com with regard to exposed funy in in the platform it should I am called weet. She is the service it seeks the talantoy’ho outstandingly and in charmante person for the rich woman of already social determination of place. Likely you as the other worlds it shares your idea.”
- glendoor42: “When asked about the compliment later, Osborne noted that he was pretty sure he had been speaking to Beethoven.” HaHaHaHa! , even worse it was the Beethoven from the dog movies.
- TheGreg: “AIRWOLF 2008″?!?!? REALLY?!? THAT WOLD BE AWSOME!!!!!!!!!!!
- glendoor42: My oldest son and I had a rhinoceros piss on us at the zoo once. Smelled like cat piss on steroids and 10 week old coffee with 20 cigarette butts in it.
- Steve: Holy shit, I really love boobs.
The WTF?:
- Online Flower Guide: I couldn’t understand some parts of this article, but it sounds interesting…
- Fag: stru n00b lucas is teh roxor an live acton show wil pwn yr @$$
- oz: I went to a Lizard Spitting Academy here in Norway. I can spit those suckers half way across a football field! And by football, I mean soccer.
- Eddie: what a joke! Someone just PSed his pictures to some hot nude pictures and then uploaded them to an onliine site Sugarmommymeet.. you know the site is a rich women seeking sugar babies site.. so it says he is looking for a sugar mommy… haha.. a little bit ridiculous!!!!!!!!!
- Pee Public Pee Public Pissing: I can not agree with you in 100% regarding some thoughts, but you got good point of view…
Well, that’s it. If you were lucky enough to find your name among those listed above, I’d like to invite you to stop by and receive a complimentary two-week membership from my new employer, Sugarmommymeet.com. Until then, I leave you with one thought that sums up my time at Cracked: boobs.
Last 5 posts by Ian Cooper
- Economic Meltdown: What Can YOU Do? - January 24th, 2008
- Ian's Unnecessary News Roundup - January 22nd, 2008
- When LOLcats Attack! - January 18th, 2008
- Ian's Unnecessary News Roundup - January 17th, 2008
- Rob Lowe's Brother's Girlfriend Having Affair with Val Kilmer's Mother's Son?! - January 15th, 2008
May 12th, 2008 at 7:47 am
[...] freebasing, I knew Jack was right. So I called up my good friend and (former Cracked superstar) Ian Cooper and had him put together a kick ass logo for me. Then I went looking for something upsetting on [...]
February 3rd, 2008 at 10:49 pm
Ha! Take that, everyone who hasn’t been quoted in a Cracked blog post! My life is now complete.
February 3rd, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Well, it looks like we found out what ian’s new job is.
February 2nd, 2008 at 7:56 pm
I will put anything inside of me for $100 American Dollars.
February 1st, 2008 at 4:31 am
Yeah, but which talent?
February 1st, 2008 at 3:49 am
sorry to see you go, youve been blessed with a talent
February 1st, 2008 at 3:15 am
I’m not sure what a lulzer is, but I’m just glad I’m not a smartypants.
SUCKIT DANIEL O’BRIEN!
SUCKIT LIKE A WHORE!
February 1st, 2008 at 12:39 am
Shame you’re going, I loved reading your stuff. Best of luck.
January 31st, 2008 at 11:21 pm
YOU’LL BE BACK! THEY ALL COME BACK!
Seriously though, good luck with your new life. Wish you well.
January 31st, 2008 at 7:37 pm
or awesome whatever the case may be.
January 31st, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Is there any truth to the rumor that Ian is being replaced by the Pruane2Forever Sexman
kid? That would be awsome!!!!
January 31st, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Thanks for all your kind words, you bastards.
P.S. Gladstone, the check is in the mail.
January 31st, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Ian, you’re awesome. Stay wrapped up like a douche.
January 31st, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Since I’m a big Ian booster and I have no idea where he’s been for the last 3 hours (Does “It’s your turn on Scrabulous” mean nothing to you, Ian?) let me just promote Ian for a second.
Ian wrote some of the best stuff on the now dead http://www.Junkiness.com.
And you can see a ton of his stuff on his website: Wrapped Up Like A Douche (AKA WULAD)
http://www.wulad.blogspot.com.
More recently, he just linked to his cracked posts, but go back further for fun.
As to what Ian is doing now, i’m not sure, but I have it on good authority he will be teaching jazz to Ethiopians.
January 31st, 2008 at 6:02 pm
So…nobody else asked, I’ll bite. What are you leaving to do? Anywhere else online we can read your stuff?
I mean, I like dead girls as much as the next guy, and I just don’t know where else I can find the constant updates I need to keep current on the dead girl scene.
Oh wait, that was Gladstone.
What do you do again?
January 31st, 2008 at 5:51 pm
I confess, you rick rolled me with 100% accuracy…
January 31st, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Take care and always go to the bathroom when you can because later you may not have the chance.
January 31st, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Fare the well Ian.
I hope that wherever you are headed next there is a racist drawing of a mexican waiting for you.
January 31st, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Ah, Rickrolling, the great american pastime.
You shall be missed, Ian Cooper.
I said that as if I were eulogizing you because you are now dead to me.
January 31st, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Also, goodbye! I dont know where we will get our unnecessary news now. I guess everyone will have to do their part to contribute. According to wikipedia Viggo Mortensen has done 6 spoken word albums with guitarist Buckethead. Thats not so much unnecessary news as unnecessary trivia though. I will have to try harder.
January 31st, 2008 at 2:15 pm
I’m a smartass, yet I do not feel ashamed. I’m just proud of being acknowledged as one and not being called a douche.
I just get annoyed by geography.
January 31st, 2008 at 2:13 pm
I always burn my bridges when im leaving something too.
January 31st, 2008 at 1:55 pm
We all get lonely at times
January 31st, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Yes, sorry, I suck…It’s just that I’m so very lonely…
January 31st, 2008 at 1:51 pm
So now that Ian’s gone that rash should clear up?
January 31st, 2008 at 1:38 pm
I agree Mastufu, kids these days seem to not appreciate humour and use posts to try to get their name seen. Take satanikus for example; “although ‘Chain Killer’ would be a pretty awesome name for a metal band.”…………ha….ha. “have I been sufficiently annoying enough to warrant some sort of inclusion?” You suck satanikus. It’s like we all traveled back in time to the year 19Kool and the Gang.
Good luck in the future Ian, keep making funnies.
January 31st, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Good one, Mastufu
January 31st, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Jesus Christ everyone, if you comment just for the chance you will mentioned in someone’s post you should be ashamed of yourself…I believe our role as commenters is to keep the funny moving beyond the article, or to pose important questions which have no relation to the post, or to curse the poster for RickRolling us yet again, not for the hopes that maybe your name will be seen.
Furthermore, FUCK YOU IAN! I HATE THAT GOD DAMNED SONG AND I HAVE TO WATCH THAT BLACK GUY WITH SHORT SHORTS RUNS UP THE WALL! FUCK YOU!
In short, Ian, good luck to you and I wish you well
January 31st, 2008 at 1:19 pm
What’s an Ian?
January 31st, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Boooooooooooooooooobs! That’s what I get for not reading the comments before the post. You will be missed, Ian. Not by me, but…you know, I imagine.
January 31st, 2008 at 12:24 pm
G-stone, I don’t think you killed the chain, although “Chain Killer” would be a pretty awesome name for a metal band.
Nah, I just think some of us have some work to do…
Not me, though! To continue my unsolicited Japanese lesson, “manko” means “pussy”. There, have I been sufficiently annoying enough to warrant some sort of inclusion?
BTW, thanks for the fat Val Kilmer photos, Ian. From Iceman to “Christ, man!”
January 31st, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Normally I dislike nearly everything I read in Ian’s Unnecessary Whatnot, but I found this untacky and tasteful.
January 31st, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Stay black, Ian.
January 31st, 2008 at 11:43 am
Wow. I didn’t mean to kill the chain?
January 31st, 2008 at 10:03 am
Adrian, I’m guessing you’re being wildly sarcastic, but just in case you weren’t I’M THE ONE WHO MAD FUN OF A DEAD LITTLE GIRL — except I didn’t, I made fun of a bad police sketch of a dead little girl, but that’s old news.
Ian is one of my favorite humor writers, and I’ll miss him tremendously. It’s pretty clear to me he had some of the smartest, funniest, least pandering stuff on this site. Which is pretty inexcusable.
Ian, I’ll try to do an unnecessary news round up every once in awhile in the hopes that Ben-jo-man goes insane.
January 31st, 2008 at 9:47 am
I just got really depressed because “Nick” got more attention than anyone here and he was just a douche. From now on, I’m a full time DB. FUCK YOU, IAN.
January 31st, 2008 at 9:30 am
Thank fuck…he was an arsehole. And it seems I was right about the unnecessary unnecessary news round up.
January 31st, 2008 at 9:29 am
Actually, “benjo” is Japanese for “toilet”. “Joseiki” is “vagina”. Now, please kindly add me to the “Smartypantses” category.
January 31st, 2008 at 9:28 am
I had no idea that guy was white. He has such a black, manly voice.
January 31st, 2008 at 9:10 am
Good luck in your future endeavors. I enjoyed reading your posts.
DAMNIT RICKROLLED AGAIN
January 31st, 2008 at 9:07 am
On your way out please stop by my desk and gargle my man-marbles while I listlessly read an issue of Highlights.
January 31st, 2008 at 9:06 am
I’m glad he’s going. He’s the one that makes fun of dead little girls, but mostly it is because I didn’t see my name there! The fact the I hardly ever post something here doesn’t matter at all! Screw you Ian! You could’ve made some shit up and put my name under it man!
January 31st, 2008 at 8:41 am
Ian Cooper? I thought this was D.B. Cooper. Either way America will continue the war for hundreds of years.
January 31st, 2008 at 8:37 am
Yeah, I thought the same thing. All of us who weren’t included feel a littler hollower now. It’s like we’re not even good enough for Cracked.com, and you guys have no standards. What does that say about us? Do you think we post on Cracked’s blog because we have some kind of self-esteem? No! We do it because we’re desperately seeking validation from you guys. See how sad we are?
Oh Ian, how can you hurt us so?
But we still love you. And by love I mean: read your posts from time to time while trying to remember which of you guys posted it.
January 31st, 2008 at 8:17 am
You bastard! How could you leave me out?!