It’s happened. The dynasty that was American Idol has come crumbling down, and despite inaugurations to the contrary, I’m taking it as a clear sign that America as a whole is officially defunct. After all, when your most watched television show of all time (which happens to have the name of your country in its title) is folding, it’s time to call up the Russians and surrender.
We still hate Russians, right? I mean, I know I do, but is it still national policy? Anyway, it’s time to call whomever is fit to dismantle our government and sell it off piece by piece and give up.
Hazy though I may be on international politics, I do know at least one thing: After we’ve all been boiled down and used to fuel the lamps in St. Petersbuerg Cathedral, and the romantics and optimists tell you that the reason for Idol’s ten percent decline in viewership was election season, or the fact that the show is nearly a decade old, or the fact that every episode after the auditions are over is unwatchable drek, you can tell them they’re wrong. Damn wrong.
The reason Idol (and, subsequently, America) is on the verge of irretrievable decline is clear: Kara DioGuardi.
Kara is Idol’s new spunky, sassy female judge. Here she is bragging about working with Celine Dion, which tells you right off the bat that she’s dangerously delusional.
Idol Producers spent months and thousands of dollars looking for a new judge to liven up the team, and all they could come up with was the white version of Paula Abdul. If I sound bitter, it’s because my own audition to be the fourth Idol judge went so well.
Admittedly I don’t have as much experience in the music business, and I think the Producers only called me in because of the wild popularity of my ’92 single “Drippin’ Wet (The Ice Cream Song),” and, as it later turned out, the fact that Paula Abdul wanted to have filthy bathroom sex with me.
But even before the bathroom sex, things went well. I mean, I really thought I had it. Randy was calling me “dog” left and right; I think he even threw a “cat” in there once or twice. Simon invited me back to his flat for tea and crumpets. Paula—well, it would be uncouth to say too much (the sex I mentioned earlier).
Imagine my horror, months later, to find out they’d given the job to some recording woman just because her middle name happened to be “Dio,” Simon’s favorite aging rocker.
Frankly, Kara was just about the worst decision they could have made. When you’ve got such an archetypal trio—the dry, cruel Brit, peppy Latina pan-ethnic sex goddess and hip, jovial Black—there’s clearly only one direction to go in for your fourth: an edgy, even crueler white guy of average appearance. It’s the classic pattern. It held true for The X-Men Meet Sam Kinison, it held true for Huey, Dewey, Louie and McVeigh, and dammit, it’ll hold true for Idol.
Simon’s mellowed in his old age, and the American people want blood, plain and simple. The new Idol judge has got to be a shot in the arm, literally if possible. Is Kara DioGuardi willing to punch singers in the arm if they get too rangey? Because I am.
Idol Producers, your selfishness has cost you everything, and while smaller men than myself might revel in your demise, I for one want to see American Idol live on. Therefore, I’m giving you a second chance. I will allow you to re-hire me. All I ask is that you publicly fire DioGuardi on the air (have Seacrest do it), put the show on sabbatical for retooling, and rename it Aswaimican Michael.
In case you’re not yet convinced of my charm, musical knowledge, or capacity for petty cruelty, I’ve provided here my witty, insightful, off-the-cuff responses to a wide range of singers, from amateur to professional to Rick Astley (which is to say legendary).
“I’m sorry, and not to offend, but this sounds like if a drill were jammed into my ear, except the bit in the drill is made of a bunch of annoying squeaks and whistles, and the guy doing the drilling is gargling urine at the top of his lungs. Again, I’m sorry if that seems ‘harsh’ to you. I’m just speaking the truth, because I care about this competition, you fat, pimply, whore.”
“I have nothing to say about your singing, as I refuse to critique an obvious pedophile. Good day, sir.”
“Your singing’s made me so furious with disgust that I’m going to strangle Randy with a belt just to teach you a lesson.”
Here I wouldn’t speak, but simply drop my pants, get onto the judge’s table, squat, and lay a steaming pile of reasoned critique onto the singer’s entry form, maintaining rigid eye contact all the while.
“A little pitchy, but otherwise fine. You’re through!”
Oh, I’m sorry, were you expecting Rick Astley here? You just got REVERSE RICK ROLL’D!* OH SHIT!
I await your apology call, Idol Producers. I also await your apology call, Paula (don’t make me say what for. Let’s just say the tests came back positive).
*Also known as a “Rick Unroll,” this is of course the technique of promising someone Rick Astley, then linking them to anything else whatsoever.
When not salvaging a television empire, Michael serves as head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 21st, 2009 at 8:00 am and is filed under America, American Idol, Kara DioGuardi, Rick Astley, TV, Video Games, paula abdul. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
How I Spent My Summer Vacation, By Michael Swaim (Age 24)
The Funniest Comedic Failure in the History of YouTube
Hollywood Gives Up: Keanu Reeves to Play Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde
The 5 Most Likely Ways Humans Will Become Obsolete
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
November 1st, 2009 at 2:54 am
What an excellent blog, I’ve added your feed to my RSS reader.
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:06 am
Great blog. Do you know of any relevant NLP forums or discussion groups?
April 15th, 2009 at 7:21 am
This is very hot information. I’ll share it on Delicious.
April 15th, 2009 at 7:19 am
I read your blog for a long time and must tell you that your posts are always valuable to readers.
April 1st, 2009 at 8:40 am
Hey, i am glad i came across your site… keep it up!!!!
March 26th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
i liked that first video, but i thought that her voice was a tad bit too high.
ok, done talking about her. Swaim, you need to get onto that show, even if it takes murder. it would so be worth it.
March 18th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
mr. 26 he said he apologizes if he mis under-stood so you know… let out the slack a little…
March 9th, 2009 at 1:10 am
You fucking idiot. American Idol as in United States of America. So yes it does contain the name of his country.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Excuse me. American Idol does NOT contain the name of your country. America is your continent. Also, you’re forgetting that little itty bitty things like South America or Central America and I don’t know what else count as America.
-really annoyed kid from Argentina
PS: If I happened to misunderstand what you said, I apologize.
January 26th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
Sexy girl fights two guys: HOT!
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=fab6abfcf1c333aa9838&page=8&viewtype=&category=mr
January 26th, 2009 at 5:39 am
“American” is your country’s name?
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:46 pm
I really would like to see you judging Idol. Not so much because of the delicious schadenfreude (that too, of course), but because ever since I read your article about the bailout I’ve been feeling guilty that I haven’t sent you wads of cash. Please blog about solvency soon, or I might actually follow though. And I am so hoping not to sell any more kidneys. I made a newyear’s resolution and everything.
January 23rd, 2009 at 6:52 am
Reverse Rick Roll! Oh snap!
January 23rd, 2009 at 12:00 am
Topless girls jump from airplane… Woohoo, pert nips!
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=8e71e69f4b3e36627fce
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:18 am
Swaim must be for real.
That first chick was hot and he still called her a fat, pimply whore.
That shows some serious dedication.
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:18 am
Uh, MASH actually still holds the record for most watched show of all time.
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:05 am
Swaim, you’re the greatest.
Quote “lay a steaming pile of reasoned critique onto the singer’s entry form, maintaining rigid eye contact all the while.”
That’s a terrific image. Thank you.
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:50 am
The kid singing ‘Hey Jude’ is a legend. Get him on American Idol and watch the ratings soar!
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:38 am
if people see simon saying to taylor hicks “you are old and pathetic” they say “what an ass” and “what a dick” but when they’re shopping for music they see a taylor hicks single and think “you are old and pathetic.” perhaps if you want to see an ass or a dick, you should look in the mirror.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:02 am
I meant to say Scratchey
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:02 am
The new judge is like the Poochey to the old judges Itchy and Scrathy.
January 22nd, 2009 at 12:08 am
I could care less about American Idol. I’m just still pissed at you because you thought that it was Obama that screwed up the inaguration oath. It was Roberts, you fool!
January 21st, 2009 at 10:27 pm
pahahahaha i love you ms
January 21st, 2009 at 9:57 pm
awww, the kid was so cute!!
ugh, i hate american idol this season. partly because it’s sooooooo old and repetitive, but mostly because of that retarded new judge. i can’t stand her.
January 21st, 2009 at 8:43 pm
That was a funny article. “Good day sir” made me laugh soooo hard. that baby was so cool i wish i could eat it all up.
January 21st, 2009 at 8:15 pm
Why would we be expecting Rick Astley? You should have had it so you could see his face on the thumbnail … THAT would be a reverse Rick Roll.
January 21st, 2009 at 7:54 pm
““It’s cool, I’m a girl on the internet.”
I know that’s supposed to be reassuring but it actually just creeps me out slightly.”
No, no, don’t worry. It’s creepy.
January 21st, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Swaim, you’re awesome, blah-de-blah, THANK YOU for linking us to that Mario Kart song. I know it’s sad and might make you lose faith in humanity just a little more but it’s a lovely song and I’ve been listening to it over and over for the past while.
Looking forward to your next article!
January 21st, 2009 at 7:19 pm
In a big country
Dreams stay with you
Like a lovers voice
‘cross a mountain side….
Good stuff that.
Why can’t Idol produce something like that?
Oh yeah and good article too.
January 21st, 2009 at 7:17 pm
You’re preaching to the choir, VengeVega.
I pretty much hate all that crap, too.
Sorry, I thought I made that clear.
January 21st, 2009 at 6:36 pm
“Your singing’s made me so furious with disgust that I’m going to strangle Randy with a belt just to teach you a lesson.”
Here I wouldn’t speak, but simply drop my pants, get onto the judge’s table, squat, and lay a steaming pile of reasoned critique onto the singer’s entry form, maintaining rigid eye contact all the while.
I usually don’t even read your articles but this made me laugh so hard.
“my ’92 single “Drippin’ Wet (The Ice Cream Song),” That sounds real. I would completely believe someone if they were to tell me that was a hit in 1992.
January 21st, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Jenna, I know game shows have been popular for a long time. My point is Idol is one of the leaders of the resurgence of game/talent shows to prime time in our country. Shows like that belong in the morning/early afternoon time slot(when I’m sleeping!). I don’t give a shit if YOU win a million dollars or YOU can sing someone elses shit. One or two shows is fine, but 50 billion is too much.
January 21st, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Sorry dude. I like Kara. Paula can go and you can replace her. Fuck her all you want, on your own time.
January 21st, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Oops, forgot the “(j/k)” thing at the end of that last tirade.
My bad.
January 21st, 2009 at 5:57 pm
“The article that you linked to and referenced the ratings declines from was written in April of 2008.”
“The article that Swaim linked for the American Idol ratings drop is from April of 2008, thats not even stats for this season.”
Wow, you guys just popped out an eye and skull-fucked my last glimmer of hope using a mixture of battery acid and rancid kitty litter as lubricant.
Thanks a lot, assholes.
January 21st, 2009 at 5:39 pm
The article that Swaim linked for the American Idol ratings drop is from April of 2008, thats not even stats for this season.
January 21st, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Oh yeah, and the guy who seems to have forgotten he is wearing the world’s most ridiculous fake moustache? Too cool. Too fucking unintentionally outrageously awesomely cool.
January 21st, 2009 at 5:35 pm
The article that you linked to and referenced the ratings declines from was written in April of 2008.
Is that just a bad link, or are you really talking about the ratings decline of 9 months ago and attributing it to the new judge from this season?
January 21st, 2009 at 5:32 pm
DULL! + the lady singing on the beach is so sweet, just enjoying a bit of music in her Ipod, why pick on her and call her a man and a pedophile? Thats not right, Swaim.
January 21st, 2009 at 5:22 pm
i dont know who your talkin to and why you blog and blog and blog but your gonna have to stop it.motha fucker
January 21st, 2009 at 5:16 pm
The only singer i watched the whole way through was the baby singing “Hey Jude”. That was fucking awesome
Also, Ziggy, you’re an idiot
January 21st, 2009 at 4:57 pm
“It’s cool, I’m a girl on the internet.”
I know that’s supposed to be reassuring but it actually just creeps me out slightly.
January 21st, 2009 at 4:55 pm
“There’s a prime time show where people try to jump through styrofoam cut-outs! On network tv!! And I blame Idol.”
I blame Japan for that one since that’s where (to the best of my knowledge) the concept originated
Game shows have been popular here long before Idol which, if you think about it, is itself just an overly elaborate game show (that sucks).
But Idol still sucks massive amounts of dick with bonus points for swallowing.
January 21st, 2009 at 4:54 pm
For that reverse rick-roll, I humbly ask for your hand in marriage.
It’s cool, I’m a girl on the internet.
January 21st, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Big Country are the mutts nuts…
January 21st, 2009 at 4:42 pm
whatever you link to instead of rick astley is gone, and it makes me sad.
January 21st, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Um, btw, that new judge was just fired by Simon after only 6 days. and i dont watch it. i think its so freaking overrrated in popularity that its just becoming annoying to hear about or watch.
January 21st, 2009 at 4:36 pm
I hope Idol dies quickly. That show had a big part in the game/talent show craze that we are in right now. It’s lazy tv and you fucking morons who watch it can suck my balls. There’s a prime time show where people try to jump through styrofoam cut-outs! On network tv!! And I blame Idol.
January 21st, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Don’t let the russian below get you down. I slept with him and he has a very very small penis. His mom does, too.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Please let Rick rest in peace, hasn’t his family been put through enough?
January 21st, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Jesus Jesuuus Jesuuuuuuuuusss
thats wat she said
January 21st, 2009 at 3:00 pm
meh.
meh.
and mehtastic.
January 21st, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Fuck American Idol in the ass with a burning porcupine.
God I fucking HATE that show so much.
January 21st, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Goddamn you Cracked folks are milking the Rick Roll in every way possible. It’s going to be one shriveled, dry raisin of an 80-year-old pancake tit by the time you finally decide to be done with it. Admittedly, I still laughed.
January 21st, 2009 at 1:57 pm
No, no, no
What is this? The fuckin’ 80s?
I mean I get it’s a joke, but don’t insult my nationality.
Пока не поживёшь в России, не открывай свой рот.
January 21st, 2009 at 1:49 pm
She’s bad. She’s horrible. But she will not stop the viewers from watching me tear down everyone’s dreams when they come in, that is until the show starts and we’re done to stupid America voting on some horrendous person thinking they’ll became famous like previous Idols. You know, that big black guy, and that one chick. There was also the gray hair guy…I forget them but you get the point.
Everyone likes me anyhow. I’ll just have a show where I’ll insult people. Thank you. Good day arses.
January 21st, 2009 at 1:16 pm
WOW….I just read this on a hot forum on tall dating site ____Tallconnect.com____ which is a hot dating site for all tall friends and tall singles.
January 21st, 2009 at 12:47 pm
I want to do Paula Abdul, in the !!
January 21st, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Wikipedia says Paula the daughter of a Syrian Jewish father and a Canadian mother. Which probably means she’s Italian.
January 21st, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Also, I freaking hate Kara, she tries too hard to be entertaining and it makes the show unwatchable.
January 21st, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Paula Abdul is Middle Eastern. Hence the name, “Abdul”. Right outta Aladdin!
January 21st, 2009 at 11:56 am
i picture the person interviewing dioguardi, drumming their fingers to the backround music and generally not paying any attention to her.then saying “what” in a spiteful tone.thats what i would do.probably walk out mid sentence.
January 21st, 2009 at 11:55 am
I haven’t even heard of this chick before American Idol, granted I haven’t heard much of Simon nor Randy before this show either, but I just don’t like this Kara chick. I think another guy would’ve been better than another woman, sorry Paula- you’ll be the only woman. The balance has been thrown off by Kara’s joining… ugh, but amidst all my complaining about her I’m still compelled to watch the show, the oddballs come right out of the woodwork whenever these auditions are held, and I find it amusing.
January 21st, 2009 at 10:45 am
I believe actually Paula is half-black, half white, and half-succubus. That would make her 1 and 1/2 people but 100 % addicted to Swaim.
January 21st, 2009 at 10:20 am
I’ve been known to do a Rick Unroll from time to time. I usually link to a video of Bob Dwyer committing suicide. I had no idea the human skull contained so much blood.
January 21st, 2009 at 10:09 am
I’d pay to have you on idol Swaim, it’d be the best show ever. Thanks for the clips, my inner nerd is especially pleased with the third clip.
January 21st, 2009 at 9:56 am
Thanks for the tunes!
January 21st, 2009 at 9:53 am
W-E-A-L- t H Y me E T U P. c 0 m
i am just in the beginning of my career and want to find a rich man, so i uploaded my hot and even nude photos on W E A L T H YM E E TUP. c0m . under the name eddie11, maybe you want to check out my photos firstly! or email me? springzyp11@yahoo.com
Many hottie videos and photos at this site, you can enjoy latest interesting videos or talk about hot topic with other friends. I’ve met many thoughtful singles who were trying to find true love.
W-E–A–L– t -H Y me E T U P. c 0m
W-E–A–L– t -H Y me E T U P. c 0m
January 21st, 2009 at 9:41 am
Another cracker!
Also,
Said
With
All
Innuendo
Meant
Just came to me. You can have that one for free!
January 21st, 2009 at 9:36 am
Wait a minute, Paula Abdul’s not Latina…
January 21st, 2009 at 9:06 am
I think the person in the third video (white shirt) was a woman…I dont know…I’m infact too terrified to look again…
Oh my god…it is, you American’s have to start watching what you, what’s that? Australia has more fat people in terms of percentage now? Well…there goes my pride.
Oh, and Lol
January 21st, 2009 at 8:25 am
A whitER version of Paula Abdul?
January 21st, 2009 at 8:13 am
a white version of paula? wtf? paula is white herself!!