Date: Thursday. June 12th, 2009.
Time: 8:00pm.
Place: The Bridge IMAX Theater, Los Angeles, California.
Movie: A special, one night only, encore presentation of the Glenn Beck Common Sense Comedy Tour.
(Yes, I paid 20 dollars to see a special broadcast of Glenn Beck’s comedy show so I could write this article. The amount of personal sacrifices I’m willing to make for this website is staggering.)
Some of my notes from my night watching Glenn Beck’s comedy show were easy to decipher (”Glenn Beck just said ‘The National Endowment for the Arts pisses me off’ and everyone clapped”) but I also jotted down some slightly more passionate, yet less discernible remarks:
I’m not sure exactly what prompted that. Maybe it’s me having sex with Glenn Beck’s mother. Maybe it’s Glenn Beck having sex with Glenn Beck’s mother. Anyway, there were a lot of these quick, barely legible notes. This is my attempt to construct a rational narrative out of 11 of them.
#1.
OK, I got this. It was pretty clear almost instantly that I wasn’t Beck’s target audience for this tour. The words “New York,” “East Coast” and “California” are thrown around with a wink, as if the words themselves were punchlines, even though the jokes are never quite explained. (”I was doing a show out in California.” Huge laugh and applause. “I was stuck in, ahem, New York the other day.” Similar reaction.)
I was born and raised on that awful, out-of-touch elitist East Coast and, after two decades of reading Proust and bathing in champagne with the rest of the Northeastern Liberal Elite Mafia, I moved to Los Angeles. So, immediately, as someone who can and does call both coasts home, I’m the opposite of Glenn Beck’s ideal audience twice.
#2.
If you’ve ever seen Beck’s TV show, you know that Socialism and, specifically, America’s march towards Socialism is a big concern. During the live show, Glenn uses a quote from the Russian magazine, Pravda, to illustrate a point. I should point out that Pravda also boasts thought-provoking headlines like “Blonde Women Rule the World at all Times” and “Anorexic and Hairy Prostitutes All The Rage in Moscow.” But on that night in Kansas City, their most important story was one that lauded America for its movements towards Socialism. He may be quoting a source that’s as inherently biased and removed-from-reality as he is, but when he mentions the Russian endorsement, the mood of the theater grows dark. If my memory is serving me, that’s why I wrote down “Horseshit.” And then I wrote “Glenn Beck sucks” because, at that point in the show, I thought Glenn Beck sucked real hard.
#3.
After he used a ridiculous Russian magazine to prove an unsubstantiated claim that was convenient to the point he was trying make, I decided that I should state for the record that Glenn Beck wants rape taught in our public schools. Not for any preventative purposes. He wants to make American children more efficient rapists. “A rapist in every classroom,” Beck cried out from the stage, as he sipped on rape juice and tossed back little mini cocktail rape hot dogs. To be fair, he did go on to clarify his point, saying “Rape rape rape.”
It was an unexpected outburst, to be sure, but I thought I’d just, you know, put it out there. If any comedian/political talking head wants to talk about why Glenn Beck is dangerous for America, feel free to cite Cracked.com in the same way that Beck cited Pravda.
#4.
Calling this a “comedy” show was a very ballsy move. I would call it an energetic history lecture, or cheap, fear-mongering propaganda, or some kind of religious evangelical movement (if Glenn Beck was a religion), but never a comedy show. Not because it wasn’t funny (it wasn’t), but because there just didn’t seem to be any jokes. The audience certainly laughed at the non-jokes that Beck was throwing around. Sometimes he would just use words like “Congress” or “Nancy Pelosi” or “Coal fire” as “jokes” that had neither set up nor punchline. He’d say “Climate Bill” and the crowd would go wild. When he mentioned going to the New York Museum of Modern Art there was absolute pandemonium.
The only conclusion I could draw was that the audience was laughing at him for being so incredibly full of shit. Like when he attacks the media for what they do to “us,” despite the fact that he’s kind of a big part of the media. Or when he claims to speak for the heart of America, but oddly breaks into an obnoxious and over-exaggerated Southern accent whenever he’s doing his impression of a generic stupid person. Or when he claims to support the military but at one point says that kids who aren’t properly educated will grow up stupid and have no choice but to enlist in the military. There was a brief moment there when I thought that Beck’s audience was laughing at him for the same reasons that I find Sacha Baron Coen funny when he’s acting like a retarded asshole.
#5.
And then, with absolutely zero provocation, Glenn Beck made fun of Ed Asner. He called Ed Asner an elephant and the audience fucking erupted.
So while I can’t speak for his audience, I can say with complete and total authority: Seriously, fuck you, Glenn Beck. Ed Asner is a goddamn institution.
#6.
Oh, I know exactly what this means. Fifty minutes in to this bizarre hodgepodge of non-jokes and terrifying propaganda, Glenn Beck says he needs to take a break. This being the medium of film, I expect him to come back immediately, but he doesn’t. The lights in the theater go up and a “Back in 15 Minutes” title card appears on the screen. There is an honest-to-goodness 15 minute intermission. In the movie theater. Speaking technologically, we’ve advanced beyond this, haven’t we? One of the greatest things about movies is that we don’t have to periodically pause while the actors get changed into different costumes, it’s part of the magic.
It’s almost as bad as the 10 minute interlude earlier where Glenn Beck lamented the lack of pro-rape teachers in kindergartens. “WHAT?!” is exactly right, Daniel from the Past, WHAT?! indeed.
#7.
For the second act, Beck decided to dress in full-on colonial garb. Powdered wig and everything. He walked on stage, posed and the audience clapped and did not let up for a full three minutes. He opened the second half of his set with the words “Give me liberty or give me a jelly donut.” The audience totally lost its shit.
Now you’re probably thinking that the costume is the “cheap visual trick” I refer to in the above note, and that the titties was just me being bored. Nope. The “titties” refer to the most infuriating moment of the show: To visually demonstrate the direction America is headed, he brings three people on stage. There’s a very large, intimidating-looking dude, who represents Tyranny. On the opposite end of the stage, Beck positions an average-looking guy representing Anarchy. And then, in what has to be the most irresponsible use of titties in the history of media, Glenn Beck brings out a stunningly attractive (for a white chick) blonde with a super sweet rack, who he says represents freedom, or, as he explains with the focus and intensity of a seasoned sexual predator, “Sweet, sweet liberty.”
And I haven’t even gotten to the worst part. In this visual diagram, Glenn himself represents America, of course. But as he stands, his sweaty, pale arms draped sloppily around Lady Liberty, far from Tyranny and a respectful four feet from Anarchy, he mentions Roosevelt and gives an unfairly watered-down depiction of turn-of-the-century Progressivism, and takes a step away from Liberty’s glorious rack. And the audience boos. They boo fucking Theodore Roosevelt. Teddy Roosevelt fought several important battles, gave us the Panama Canal, helped conserve the Earth’s forests and kept us out of war despite the fact that the son of a bitch loved war more than food. And Glenn got the audience to see him as “that guy who moved us away from the titties.”
Towards Rape Town? This man must be stopped.
Now, I’m no historian or anything, but I feel confident in saying that I am Cracked.com’s Senior Authority on Motherfucking Presidents, and I certainly know enough to realize that, when you’ve got your audience booing Theodore Fucking Bullet-taking Fucking judo-mastering Fucking Bull Moose Roosevelt, then there is something profoundly wrong. Wrong with you, your audience and your bastardized perversion of history.
#8.
Beck has a very clever way of being racist without actually directly saying anything racist. He’s always applauding the Founding Fathers as brilliant, wonderful men who are, most importantly, Beck will stress as he leans toward the audience, “just like us.” And he’s right, in that the only people in his theater are old and white. I actively tried finding some non-white folks in the crowd and I was, time and time again, unsuccessful. This was seriously the whitest audience I’ve ever seen (and one time I went to a Weezer concert). I politely nodded to the equally white people in my theater and sat down with a little notebook so I could capture the experience.
Now there’s nothing wrong with being white (some of my friends are half-white), but Beck seems to see America’s early years as a perfect utopia. He paints Progressivists as disrespectful, socialist upstarts with no regard for the flawless and infallible men who created our constitution. Never mind the fact that the perfect, infallible rules that the framers set forth made it impossible for anyone who wasn’t a white, property-owning male to have any say in the voting process. Poor Glenn Beck misses the good old days when women couldn’t vote and black people were actually black almost-people.
At one point, Beck describes a terrifying panic he felt back in November. He talks about the lead-up to the election and how he kept screaming “Don’t you see what’s happening? Don’t you see what’s happening!?” until it was too late and the unthinkable occurred.
He never says what the unthinkable is, just that it happened in November and it terrified him to the point of panic. But whether he’s talking about a terrifying storm in November or a bleak future populated by “undocumented” (re: non-white) workers building “our cars” it seemed pretty clear to me that Glenn Beck is a scared white man who is desperately yet unsuccessfully trying to cope with the fact that the country of his beloved white founders elected a black guy.
#9.
This… honestly could have happened at any point of the show. I think I have this exact thing written down about six times, so… yeah.
#10.
At around 9:34, Glenn Beck talked about how important it was that everyone read as often as possible, and that Common Sense in particular was a must read. But he wasn’t talking about Thomas Paine’s Common Sense (which, I’d like to point out, is available for free right here). No. There’s a new book, Glenn Beck’s Common Sense, that Glenn had in his pocket while on stage, because he really thinks you should buy it.
Actually, he doesn’t think you should buy it. He thinks it is your constitutional obligation as a living, mouth-breathing human being to buy it. He makes a big point to show that he made his publishers put it out as a soft cover book, so he could sell it for the low, low price of $9.99 and standing on stage with the threat of tears in his eyes, he again reiterates how important reading (and buying) books (that he wrote) is. This is a two hour comedy show with a freaking intermission, and Glenn Beck spends 10 minutes desperately pimping his book, the proceeds of which I imagine go towards the pro-rape legislation he’s been pushing for.
#11.
Beck spends the entire show establishing an “Us vs. Them” vibe. “They” are brought up throughout the show- sometimes as Congress, sometimes as politicians or pedophile schoolteachers or Californians or artists. It doesn’t seem to matter. They are the killjoys that move us away from FreeTITTIESdom, and They are the spooky bastards that are giving our jobs to immigrants, and They are the shady creeps that want to turn America into Socialist Russia. The point is that They are evil, and We are perfect Glenn Beck’s Common Sense-buying heroes, and he’s pretty forceful about encouraging Us to do something about Them. He’s not clear on what we should do, just that it’s aggressive and fairly violent.
I spent 19 fucking dollars of Cracked.com’s money to watch Glenn Beck stand center stage, teary-eyed and red-faced, shouting about how They needed to be taken down, and the audience screamed and cried and cheered along with him.
But again, Glenn Beck never explicitly says who “They” are, so when the show was over, I conducted a brief interview with one of the other attendees, a gentleman in his late 40s with a giant grin.
DOB: So, you enjoy the show?
Guy: Absolutely I did, he knows what he’s talking about, we should elect him for president.
DOB: Yes. We should elect Glenn Beck for president. That is true. Yes. Quick question: When Glenn was talking about how we needed to rise up against “Them” and tell “Them” that we’re not going to take it anymore, who do you think the “them” in that sentence is? Who is the “They” that we’re rising up against?
[Very long pause.]
Guy: Well, the people- I mean, the politicians, the ones- Anyone who has taken us farther away from Freedom, from where we were before. The people who inched us away from…[It's clear that he's thinking of titties right now.]…Liberty.
DOB: Got it.
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October 28th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Your mom loves rape, true story.
Ask your 43 dads.
October 18th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
I love how when people poke fun at loons like Beck, you always got one guy sayin ‘WEL WELLLL YOUR just mad cause they have the highest ratings blah blah blah’….. no asshole no one gives a fuck about the ratings, matter of fact you being the type to pay attention to shit like that begs the question, ‘are YOU just a blind follower to the pack?’
I got into it once with a guy over Rush Limpbaugh…. he said ‘well he’s got 30 million listeners’ and I’m thinking.. (yea so? 30 million idiots) thats not even factoring in the liberals that tune in for a laugh.
October 17th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
I remember a time when Beck wasn’t the biggest douche in the history of man. He was, at one time, a halfway respectable republican. Actually, now that I think about it, he just wasn’t as vocal with his crazy opinions. I guess it was pretty evident that once he got big enough he would be more vocal about his insanity.
October 17th, 2009 at 8:11 am
This article is *AWESOME*! I can’t believe I just found it. I couldn’t agree with it more!
October 15th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
I agree with every thing he said and I appreciate him saying it. Glen Beck is raving lunatic! He is constantly whining or shouting about some injustice or other….where else could an ugly fat doughboy with no education and no other discernible talent get rich by spreading lies, propaganda and hysteria…..The writer was right on about Glen Beck….100% right on!
October 10th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Question: How juvenile, mean-spirited and dense can a writer be?
Answer: It would be difficult to find any writer who is more juvenile, mean-spirited and just plain dense than Daniel O’Brien. Not impossible, but extremely difficult.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:29 am
While Beck is an idiot, ‘California’, ‘New York’ and ‘East Coast liberal’ are considered jokes that need no further explanation in most of the country. On the flip side, in places like New York, California and the East Coast, saying things like “he was from Texas’, or “out in Kansas” would be considered jokes that needed no further explanation.
“Climate Bill” is a joke no matter where you are though…
October 8th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Being Irish, i had never previously heard of Glenn Beck. Having since looked up clips of the show and seen the type of people that enjoy that steaming pile of wank, all i can say is that i understand why Americans seem to hate him.
October 6th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
I just found this question on yahoo answers when I searched “glenn + beck + rape + school.” I wish I could take credit for it.
Did Glenn Beck rape and murder Patrick Swayze?
I keep hearing a rumor that Glenn Beck raped and murdered Patrick Swayze. It sounds pretty far fetched, but is it true? And why won’t Glenn Beck deny this allegation? Why isn’t the mainstream media discussing this aspect of Mr. Swayze’s demise?
October 1st, 2009 at 7:42 pm
to”…”
alright, i hear you, i really do. too often do people cry “racist.” but honestly, glen beck, while he himself may not be racist, makes alot of racist comments. in passing of course, i seem to recall a show of his where he is critisizing a black nationalist and the phrase ” unapologetically black” comes up multiple times. this might not be serious to him, but isn’t that the problem? look, the guy is a douche, whatching him i have trouble beleiving he is serious at all. the fact that he tours as a comedian should mean something. maybe, just maybe the joke is on his audience. even in that i get little comfort, because despite that he still would be forcing propaganda down his ill educated or ill advised audiences neck. at the very least, he knows full well the damage he’s causing, at the very best he can’t sleep at night. though i bet he sleeps very well.
September 30th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
To answer your question, I’m the they/them he was referring to. So… you know… watch out coz I’m gunna be inchin’ y’all away from da titties n shiz.
September 29th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
By the way, I’m what one would call “a passionate moderate”.
September 29th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
See many people reading this article. Surprised there are so many beck supporters. Beck may stand up for what he believes in, but what he believes IS WRONG. He is misinformed, and attacks for the sake of attacking.
Beck’s Passion (much like his opposite, Micheal Moore) leads him to recklessly abandon reason or logic, or true honesty with himself.
Beck and Moore are thus both irredeemable. Both of these radicals (conservative and liberal) should be thrown to the dogs like the scum they are.
BUT THEY ARE BOTH POPULAR, AND HAVE THEIR OWN OUTLET. What does that say for our society?
I fear the answer.
September 28th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
To me, the best part of all this is the fact there are two MST3K references in the comments. One is a poster who goes by the screen name Croooow! and the other was a post by someone else who mentioned Mike Nelson. Yes, THE Mike Nelson. I felt my heart swell with the joy that only a die-hard MSTie can feel when she sees the best show ever mentioned twice in the same comment section.
September 27th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
STOP SHOUTING YOUR SLOGANS; YOU’RE ILLITERATE. The world doesn’t care about your temper tantrum. Everybody knows all politicians answer to the $. I’m happy glen has BALLS.!!!, as well, because I’d like to kick him in his.
A-ron’s comment is the best I’ve ever read.
September 25th, 2009 at 5:29 am
WAKE UP AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP CAUSING MORE PROBLEMS YOUR THE RACIST. We pay these people in office they need to answer to some one. I’m happy Glenn has some BALLS.!!!!!!!!!!
September 24th, 2009 at 5:44 am
Glenn Beck did comedy?! Why?!
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:41 pm
stand up comedians…
The study highlights the unethical, and even illegal labor practices that some companies are engaging in. It focused on low- wage workers and took place in three major urban areas: New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles. Of the employees surveyed, many had…
September 18th, 2009 at 6:45 am
Glenn Beck kidnapped Jaycee Duggard and used her womb to spawn Hannah Montana.
September 17th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
This was a good article, except for point 8. Seriously, why do people have to create racism where there is none? It’s like everyone is so desperate for something to complain about that they look to white people and see them as easy targets, and just call them racist for the most retarded reasons.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Proof that, just like reality, humor has a liberal bias.
I hadn’t heard that he raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. A serious charge, if true.
September 16th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
alright fools. the website that originally ran the rape story had this big disclaimer over it saying “this is a parody.” as magical as it would be to find hard evidence that glenn beck is indeed a sexual deviant we will just have to hope his self control fails sooner or later. as for the article, obrien, my crotch tingles with every word. i want to be on you.
September 16th, 2009 at 9:12 am
I heard that Glenn Beck is made of unstable molecules just like Mr. Fantastic’s costume and if a non-white person touches his hand he’ll collapse into a pile of powered sugar. Also, his heart was replaced with a Timex watch set to alarm at “Rape-thirty”.
September 13th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
So, I read this article. It disturbed me, because it sort of confirmed a feeling I have about Glenn Beck. I have encountered Glenn Beck on television once or twice. I never appreciated his sensationalist, paranoia-inspiring take on government. These “us against them” views that he holds reminds me of McCarthyism. I remember my Grandfather telling me how the country was very much divided as everyone was suspecting each other of treason or Communism, how people were blind to what was really going on in the Government.
Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.
September 13th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Beck has STILL not responded to allegations that he raped and killed a young girl in 1990! Personally, I’m not sure he did it. But why won’t he provide proof to silence those that believe he did? What is he hiding?!
September 12th, 2009 at 11:48 am
“When is it going to come out that Glen Beck is a crack smoking dilusional schitzoid”
GB isn’t a schizoid. Schizoids are detached folk and Beck seems to get very emotional.
I hadn’t heard about the crack thing though.
September 12th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Personally, I can’t stand Glenn Beck and this article made me very happy.
Even if it is alienating people to an extent, you don’t have to read this. *Shrugs* DOB wrote it because he wanted to, and there are people who don’t like GB, there are people who do like GB.
“Attempting to please everyone pleases no-one.”
September 11th, 2009 at 8:52 am
When is it going to come out that Glen Beck is a crack smoking dilusional schitzoid? I mean really, isn’t there something on youtube with him smoking his crack pipe already?
this guy needs a straight jacket.
September 9th, 2009 at 2:11 am
@Cathaholic what the hell, a moran like you made it to the comments section without reading
1) the page title
2) the url
3) the title
4) the article
5) every single place where the author makes it fucking clear he is talking about his stand up show!
oh right your a republican….nuff said!
September 8th, 2009 at 2:04 am
I think it’s irresponsible for Fox News to lgive a known rapist like Glenn Beck his own show. Didn’t he rape a young girl back in 1990?
September 6th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Glenn Beck is an attention starved loser. But, so is DOB. So fair is fair.
September 6th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Glenn Beck is a rapist? Or does he just condone rape? I did hear somewhere that he killed a schoolgirl in the 90’s. Did he rape her too? Has everyone else read that? This information seems to be all over the place and Glenn Beck is yet to respond to it. Why wouldn’t he just deny it on his show? What’s stopping him?
America has to get the word out. We need answers!
September 4th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Genius, I meant to say, I say
September 4th, 2009 at 5:51 am
This article was pure and utter genuis.
September 2nd, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Some people say Glenn Beck murdered a young girl in 1990. I’m not accusing Glenn Beck of murder. I’m just asking questions that the MSM refuses to discuss.
September 2nd, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Whats really sad is how Glenn Beck is really a LOT like Chavez. Chavez (even though he is cool), talks TOO MUCH and act really dramatic and know how to manipulate their audience to believe that whatever Glenn or Chavez say is a a complete fact =(
September 1st, 2009 at 10:08 pm
There’s nothing wrong with being white. Oh, yes I see how that’s funny. Some of your best friends are white? Oh, yes, that’s priceless. My, we are arch, aren’t we? And not a little racist ourself at all, eh? I never thought I would fuck off somebody after they had just fucked off a cunt like Glen Beck, but, well … fuck off.
September 1st, 2009 at 6:06 pm
DOB-
Spot on good sir. Way to bring Cracked up ten notches. In reading the comments you have got to know what a fine job you’ve done.
-LB
PS- Beck supporters… you lost. The Presidency and both houses, get used to it.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I utterly hate Glenn Beck…
September 1st, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Damn, Cracked let’s try not to alienate some of your audience. I enjoy Glenn Beck’s program because it is entertaining and he has an interesting take on things (don’t agree with them all, don’t have to). I don’t believe I am stupid and in-bred (northeast educated, BS, MS, currently PhD candidate). Let’s not make generalizations about either side please.
September 1st, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Yes, but what’s all this about Glenn Beck raping and murdering a child in 1990?
August 31st, 2009 at 4:57 pm
[...] Glenn Beck Loves Rape: An Impartial Look At His Comedy Show | Cracked.com [...]
August 30th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
DOB, I’m issuing you an IOU for a blow job because that article was just that great.
August 27th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Oh, right, and for those of you who seem to think the notes are handwritten: take a look at the “Glenn Beck’s Plan for USA” note.
I didn’t know D.O.B was a good enough artist to draw an exact image of Glenn Beck… in color…. in picture quality….
August 27th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
…… I happened to see an episode of Beck’s show earlier today… (My job is to stand around and sell things in varying companies’ (grammar check? That right?) cafeterias and lobbies, and it was on the break room TV… and there was no way to change the channel…)
I have to say it amused me.
Mostly because I am an 18 year old, with ADHD, and very little knowledge of politics…. and yet I STILL understood Obama’s Civilian National Defense prospect better than he did.
He seemed obsessed with the idea that Obama ‘knows about a secret enemy’ other than “Middle Easterners….” to the point where he completely failed to see the political and social effects of having what amounts to a national, government sponsored, militia.
And he compared it to the Nazi SS and Mussolini’s Brownshirts.
Because, after all, domestic policy in America is commonly modeled after WWII.
And, by the way, he didn’t have any real knowledge of the proposition other than ‘Civilian National Defense.’
August 27th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
LOL @ tha person thinking that those were O’Brien’s actual handwritten notes (”And you write like a four year old..”).
You didn’t notice that each ‘torn out page’ is identical?
Ever think that being #1 in the ratings just might mean that Fox News attracts more simple-minded, lazy couch potatoes in full herd mentality mode than any other network, right?
The Dems/GOP - they ALL suck. Bickering and quibbling instead of working together FOR the common good of the PEOPLE.
Now we come on here and argue back and forth, just like them. Surprise, surprise…nothing gets solved.
Shithouse. Up. In Flames.
August 27th, 2009 at 5:39 am
I’m actually aware (and afraid) of Glenn Beck even though I live in Scotland, in the British Isles. Still not far away enough. That said though, all I’ve ever seen him do is cry for no real reason. Does he do other stuff?
August 27th, 2009 at 2:30 am
I’m from South Africa and I don’t know who Glenn Beck is but he sounds like a total dick.
August 26th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
Beck’s AA sponsor just dropped him now too.
http://unreasonablysafe.wordpress.com/2009/08/27/becklosessponsor/
You can now add Darenn Tipple’s name to the growing list of sponsors who have dropped the doltish FoxNews show host. Tipple had been Beck’s AA (Alcoholics’ Anonymous) sponsor for the past two years; a feat many thought was impossible…
August 26th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
There are people arguing in favor of Beck in this comment section?
No way.
I always imagined that there is a threshold of intelligence at which someone becomes able to appreciate and understand humor like that which Cracked provides. Alternatively, I always imagined that people whose intelligence falls short of said threshold are the type that get caught up in pyramid schemes, or, similarly, in Glenn Beck’s studio audience. It is a magical line.
Clearly, I was very wrong, or else there are simply idiots roving around this site who don’t understand the humor but just wanted to comment because, golly, when other people notice them it makes them tingle down there.
My point: the existence of even a small minority of people on this site who would argue in the name of Beck’s red-faced, teary-eyed ignorance is a shocking reveille.
August 24th, 2009 at 8:37 am
lol@butthurt conservatives.
Besides, everyone knows liberals suck as much as conservatives anyways.
August 20th, 2009 at 10:37 am
TO ALL WHO WOULD LIKE TO SUCK GLENN BECK’S MINISCULE PENIS: Stop bitching about how DOB just took your demi-god down a peg and go back to smoking crystal meth and inbreeding with “Auntie Mom”
August 19th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
i cannot believe there are people here of all places defending this beck bullshit
August 19th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
U.S. JOBS……U.S. MANUFACTURING……U.S. TRADE. START THINKING LIKE A “NATION” OR YOU WON’T HAVE ONE.
WE WERE ONCE AN INDUSTRIAL POWERHOUSE…….
August 18th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
D.O.B., you are my hero.
August 18th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
next time you hear the name glenn beck blurt out “GLENN BECK LOVES RAPE.”
August 17th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Interesting point of view, Comrade…though you appear to be quite naive…your point of view sounds “fishy” and is noted. Then again…you could be the 8 year old you write like. Let’s hope so.
August 17th, 2009 at 12:24 am
ur govenment should spend it’s money in a more productive way(lets say rounding up all the people like glenn beck’s and castrating them) then the world would be great(beside’s the the one that hav’nt died off yet
August 16th, 2009 at 5:02 am
the fact that you have idiots such as Glenn Beck makes me happy that I’m British
August 14th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
“Ed Asner: Why?”
Based on your description of the demographics, I’d say much of the audience still harbors resentment over Asner’s opinions on US involvement in El Salvador. Yeah, I know, over a quarter century ago…
August 13th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
You’re an idiot.
And you write like a four year old.
August 12th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
[...] Glenn Beck and his rapist ways All of Hinder’s instruments need to be smashed so we can enjoy the pleasure of them never making [...]
August 11th, 2009 at 3:45 am
Oh, D.O.B- I need you- I need to have your babies, right now.
This is the greatest take on Glenn Beck (great confidence schemer) I have ever read.
Thank you for braving the hell that must have been that “comedy’ “show”.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:42 am
HE HAD THE FUCKIN NERVES TO SAY OBAMA IS RACIST, ARE U KIDDING ME. WHO GAVE HIM THE GREENLIGHT TO HAVE A SHOW IN THE FIRST PLACE? AMERICA DOESNT NEED THIS BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW. HE IS A DIPSHIT,AND A COMPLETE DOUCHE-BAG
August 10th, 2009 at 9:27 am
glen beck and bill o ‘reilly are fuckin idiots. and the people who follow them up “ARE FUCK-IN RE-TARDED”
August 9th, 2009 at 6:51 am
BUILDUS MAXIMUS
37 countries eh? So it was like 2 minutes in 36 of them right? Or are you just counting flying across them?
Since you’re so pro-military perhaps you did a stint and got all that oh so troublesome and insignificant geography mixed up.
I’m not an american but I am a first world citizen living amongst americans in a 3rd world country and you know what?
They tell me all the time they are HAPPIER here than in America. They claim here has more freedom than the so-called land of the free. Many of them are shocked about this and admit they came here expecting to hate it.
One old man openly admitted he came here to “educate the pagans” and fully expected to sneer and generally feel superior to the locals for a few months before flying home to the glorious land of liberty and telling everyone how much better America is than the world.
Yeah. He’s been here six years and is now one of the most vocal AGAINST America.
My tired-past-bedtime point is maybe YOU should go back to one of those alleged 37 countries and spend more time there than it takes to get your rocks off inside a 3rd world hooker before you start going around telling people to open their minds.
August 8th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
Heh. That ending interview absolutely defines these people so far caught on an end of the political spectrum. They don’t know how to think. They’ve never thought about anything a day in their lives-no, someone else is always right there telling them what to think. Such people sicken me.
August 7th, 2009 at 11:40 am
I LIKE TYPING IN ALL CAPS, TOO. I ALSO EAT BABIES.
August 7th, 2009 at 11:04 am
DOB does it again. Haha!
August 7th, 2009 at 3:50 am
YOU ARE ONE SICK BASTARD WHO POSTED THIS. PAY MORE ATTENTION TO WHATS GOING ON IN THIS “OUR” COUNTRY.
WE HAVE NO TIME FOR THIS. WE NEED TO FOCUS ON JOBS, TRADE, IRAN, CAP AND TRADE, HEALTH CAR, HOUSING INDUSTRY, BANKING, SAVINGS….THE LIST GOES ON. FORGET LEFT OR RIGHT OR CENTER AND THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. I SUGGEST THE U.S. MILITARY. IF THATS NOT AN OPTION GO TO THE 37 COUNTIES IVE VISITED AND THEN COME BACK TO THE LAND OF THE FREE.
August 6th, 2009 at 6:25 am
Funny, it reminds me of that episode of family guy when Lois panders to the undecided voters and only uses nonsense words to woo the crowd. Surprised Beck didnt say that Obama was part of the Legion of Doom.
August 5th, 2009 at 6:08 am
I honestly don’t understand how someone can compare Obama to Hitler. That’s one of the worst comparisons possible.
As to Beck, he might be a fuckwad, and I’m certain he is, but he’s a fuckwad who has managed to tap into a retarded audience, much like Limbaugh and made a killing off of them and a huge profit for Fox News.
As to Beck opening eyes to “the establishment” well, he is a part of that establishment. He’s rich. He’s white. He’s well known. This is not a person who will give up any of his trappings.
He’s also batshit insane. The guy needs to be locked up for the public good.
August 4th, 2009 at 1:13 am
I’m no liberal, that’s for damn sure(I like to be reasonable, and consider both sides) but I’ve watched Fox News, and listened to Glenn Beck. Even on a network which is very conservative… Glenn Beck is beyond insane.
He is to conservatives what Micheal Moore is to liberals. Both of them needleessly and impulsively hate the other side.
Although Moore largely reaches unresponsive audiences(face it, hippies have a reputation for laziness).
Beck is more dangerous. He has a TV show.
August 2nd, 2009 at 3:56 pm
YOU are a complete idiot!!!!!
August 1st, 2009 at 12:07 am
I’ve developed this habit of yelling at Republican radio instead of the cars around me to help curb road rage. Most of the time, the old white ex-klansmen on RUSH-radio are more than enough of a sounding board to get me from home to office (see: pizza-kitchen) and then back again. But when I heard Bland Geck was gonna make people pay to WATCH him rant, I was dumbfounded. I mean, we don’t even have to glimpse his pink lumpy ass when he’s on the radio. Why anyone in their right mind would PAY LEGAL TENDER THAT THEY’VE EARNED to have to stare at that pale racist man-child is frikin’ beyond me, man.
So I just wanted to say thanks. You, Daniel O’Brien (my McBro from another Ho), are like the Crocodile Hunter when it comes to crowds of Republicans. You have no fear. You dove right in (with Cracked’s money) and you said, “Bitch, I’m gonna document this shit.”
Balls and then some.
And I thank you for having them, because I was curious to know just how truly un-funny Beck’s “stand-up comedy” was going to be.
July 30th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Absolutely brilliant. Glenn Beck certainly has some “issues”. I’m glad we now get his ‘performance’ screened here in NZ, but I’m at a loss to understand what its doing on a news channel and not the comedy channel.
One day he’ll wake up and realise he is ‘they’ and ‘we’ have had enough of him. Until then hes a laugh a minute. I hope Bill O’Reilly takes notes, he could be a lot funnier in future, not just marginally insane as he is now. What a team. Go Fox!
July 29th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
wow, your a dipstick, and your 4 quarts low. Beck at least is trying to warn us about the establishment. Obama and his plans are in writing and video. You remind me of Americans that say about Der Furer, Adolf Hitler, why didn’t you stop him. The problem is that in Germany, no one took his writings as serious, they all said, no this could never happen here, we have the press, and we have strong wills, he is just another politician trying to get elected. And the world paid a price. You like to review things have you read Obama’s books. Have you watched his videos, have you opened your eyes at all. This is what you missed. all Beck is saying is wake up and take an objective look around.
Then my friend maybe you will have a different set of drawings.
So Sayeth the Impaler!
July 29th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
I find it funny that idiots like Crash post such bullshit like he has. Tell ya what fucktard, if you’re so against socialism, why don’t you protest by not using any social services, then? That’s a form of socialism. Stay out of our national parks, stay out of public buildings. Wanna go for a drive? Better stay off the streets, those are socialist services. The police and fire department? Hell, better not use any medicare when you’re old, and don’t take that social security check either.
We’ve had socialism in this country for decades, get it? DECADES. You’re far too blinded by this fear mongering bullshit that has directed the health care and oil industries into RECORD FINANCIAL PROFITS.
July 29th, 2009 at 12:40 am
ps. Crash please explain as to how,when , and from who is this socialism coming from?
July 29th, 2009 at 12:38 am
wow crash… just wow yes socialism is gonna hit us damn your a tard. Too much glenn beck for ya
July 28th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
You know what would help? If you actually quoted his comedy show appropriately - and wow, in context. If you knew anything about his show, or the conservative movement, you would not have spent 20$ on a show that was specifically meant for that type of audience. It’s a conservative comedy show - so people like us can laugh at jerks like you in humor that is way about your intellectual level.
I hope you get rich - cause then when socialism does hit - you’ll be taxed 90% of your earnings. I’ll enjoy that.
July 28th, 2009 at 11:22 am
FUCK ALL THE FUCKING FUCK CONSERVATIVE FUCKS, SPECIALLY GLEN FUCKING BECK
July 27th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Glenn Beck is insane.
But we all knew that.
Thanks DOB
July 25th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
damn i have never seen glen beck or really ever heard or payed attentinon to him before but this makes me want to kick a hole in his head and squirt out me some nasty ass shits in his head hole. and RT you are a fuckin dick and i got me intentions to do the same to you and your skinny fuckin neck.
s r
e T e
x x
July 24th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Jester, I agree that being more educated does not necessarily mean you are smarter than a person who has little education. There are a lot of people who are quite intelligent who couldn’t or did not go to college, but if you managed to get a PhD from Oxford, you are smart. I have a 130 IQ (that barely gets me into Mensa) and my Master’s was tough. Trust me, you can have a bachelor degree and be a mouth-breathing idiot. Heck, I knew a number of Master’s students who seemed to be in the shallow end of the intelligence gene pool (One graduate, barely. The rest lasted a semester or two), but a PhD. No way. You will fail and fall out of school before you get there if you are not intelligent. I’d trust the person with the PhD before the high-school educated college dropout anyday.
July 24th, 2009 at 12:41 am
not defending the guy, lets make that perfectly clear. i have completely lost patience, confidence, and desire to pay attention to him. for someone so into the injustices of the federal government, he sure loves to get real buddy buddy with fbi and cia agents. and the way he refuses to do any real journalism of actual government injustices and instead babbles on and on about government debt and liberty is annoying as hell.
just wanted to bring up the fact that there is a huge difference between smart and educated. i once saw a man with a bachelor’s degree stare at a work scedule in utter confusement for five minutes while a man with a high school diploma he barely earned, also seeing the scedule for the first time, figure it out within 10 seconds. just something to think about. sure the woman has a phd from oxford, and great for her. that doesnt make her smarter than me, or you, or beck. just much more educated.
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:33 am
Rachel Maddow also has a f*cking PhD from Oxford.
Glenn Beck has a high school diploma and has taken ONE class at Yale (in theology — there’s a schocker). He is an under-educated, bigoted tool.
July 20th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
By the gods, DOB does actual journalism! But its a sort of simpleton journalism that even I can understand! Glenn Beck’s “comedy tour” sounds more horrible than i could have imagined. He sounds like he was one intermission away from coming back in a sheet and burning crosses. Those guys were the most patriotic in the country at the time. I refuse to judge the man because of your review sir, but if your low-brow journalism is truthful then i have little hope for America and it’s ever growing gap from titties… i mean liberty.
July 19th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
“I could say that Keith Olberman, Rachel Maddow and Chris Matthews speak for all liberals. These pundits are no ssmarter than the rest of us, the just have a forum to shout their words from.”
Rachel Maddow is a Rhodes scholar, so I would venture to say that she is smarter than all of us.
July 17th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
This shit was dead on!
July 17th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
“Ed Asner–Why?” LMFAO
Well, someone had to make a comment that wasn’t a political rant.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:56 am
I’m with xThorsefx. Even I don’t check back THAT frequently.
July 11th, 2009 at 4:15 am
Why do all who leave comments always have to be a bunch of crybaby bitches? Shit was funny, get over it, cause it was fucking meant to be funny. And yeah, I’m aware that even though the article has long since passed, you’re probably all still clicking refresh to see who says something having to do with your post next.
It’s been almost a month. Move on.
July 9th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Telling gays who don’t care that taking their rights will make them less evil was never the best thought out idea.
Thank you. u - $ = .
Also, Beck is a ….
look up ” fema beck infowars ”
guy’s a weiner.
sewer pipe straight down.
July 9th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
How dare you put something up that is political. You must be a fucking(insert liberal/conservative). I am the opposite but am totally unbiased anyway. Let me type a long, drawn out rant that is completely biased stating my beliefs. Then I will get into an argument with a god damned(insert liberal/conservative) that will go on for days. Nothing will be accomplished and no ones minds will be changed. I will leave feeling satisfied that I made my point but still angry that that damn(insert liberal/conservative) still believes the fucked up shit they those people(baby killers, hippies, commies, socialists, nazis) believe. I have the right to my opinion and that is what makes this country so great blah blah blah blah I just blew my political load on your faces! Fuck you all and suck my cock. The End.
July 9th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
…forgot to add. It’s not true that Glenn Beck is like Hitler, because Glenn Beck does not have a mustache.
Yeah. I got your Godwin’s Law right here.
July 9th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Well, the show may not have been funny, but it didn’t take much to make it funny. This is a hilarious post. My chest hurts…and after reading some of the other comments, my soul hurts. Keep on keepin’ on, Mr. O’Brien.
July 8th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
If you truly believe that Glenn Beck is upset that America elected a black man as president, then that’s pretty pathetic. Glenn Beck isn’t the most eloquent speaker, but he’s able to get his point across fairly well. If this dreck was really all you were able to get out of it, then that speaks to your hatred of the man, as well as your inability to process the idea that some people don’t give a damn what race Obama is, and still think that he’s doing his best to run the country into the ground.
July 8th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
I want to thank DOB, but mainly, all the commentators, for helping me get through an uneventful, boring, 8 hour workday just from the comments!
July 6th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Awesome, especially the end. Loved the sketches!
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:16 pm
You are such a friggen liberal, and I hate liberals.
Make fun of some godless leftist assholes for once. There are plenty of them around.
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:34 am
Happy Fourth of JUly Everybody!!!
Yes,I Know I’m a Day Early,But What The Hell!!!
To Canaduck,MyCapitalizing Every Word Is Just
One Of My Little Quirks!!
Sorry If It Annoyed You!!
Frank,Yes,I Beleive In Individual Rights;Personal Liberties
and Less Government!!!
You’ll Find Out That a Lot Of People On Both Sides of
The Political Spectrum Beleive In It!!
Yet,It’s Kinda Funny-Funny as in Strange,Not Funny Like a Clown!!
That Was My Martin Scorsese Moment There!!-That While Bachman;Beck;Coulter;Hannity and The Rest Of The Loons
Are Going Bat Shit Crazy Over Next Year’s Census Claiming
That”The Government’s Gonna Use The Info In Order To Throw Us
All In Concentration Camps!!!”,They Were Practically Cheering From The Peanut Gallery About The Homeland Security Act
Claiming That”Well,We Don’t Want Another 9/11,So Let The Government Tap Our Phones and Listen In On Our Phone Calls!!!
As Long as It Prevents Another Terrorist Attack,Let Em’!!”.
Okay.We’ve Had The Census Since 1830.Now All The Census Does Is Determine Where and How The Government Will Use
Their Money For Such Useless Government Spending As-Oh,I Don’t Know-Roads;Airports;Military Bases;Ports;Law Enforcement!!
Yes,They Know Your Address.Then Again,So Does The Post Office;
Your Cable/Satellite Provider;Your Church;Mosque;Temple and/or Synagouge;Your Employer;Your Friends and Family;Your Newspaper Carrier;Your County Tax Assesor-Collector;Telemarketers and The Phone Company!!!
And Frank;Contrary To Popular Beleif,Quite a Number of Prominent
Americans Were Admirers and/or Supporters of Hitler and Nazi Germany Including Prescott Bush-Father and Grandfather of Bush the Elder and Younger,Respectfully;Joe Kennedy;Henry Ford;William Randolph Hearst and Father Charles Coughlin To Name a Few!!!
Not To Mention Pat Buchannan and Mel Gibson’s Daddy,Hutton Gibson!!!
Anyway,I’ve Said My Piece!!Bye Now!!
“You Always Use Violence.I Should Have Ordered The Glutinous Rice Chicken.”.
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Also, Godwin’s Law…
Over. And over. And over. And over. And over. Ad infinitum
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:59 pm
To say that the further right you go, the closer you get to fascism, is patently absurd.
The center-right favors smaller government, property rights, and individual sovereignty. How could it possibly be, then, that the further you get to the extremes of those beliefs, the closer you get to their opposite?
Fascism is a collectivist ideology in which individual rights are
diminished and the state is expanded. It’s not quite as far down the road as communism, in that in fascist states there is still some private ownership of the means of production allowed . . .
though only if those owners play ball with the fascist government’s program.
How does any of that have anything to do with smaller government, property rights, andindividual sovereignty?
It simply does not. The further right you move, the smaller government becomes. This takes you through libertarianism, direct democracy, and eventually . . . anarchy. Not fascism.
Now maybe goofs will stop saying that Fascism is somehow “right wing” without ever actually defining either “Fascism” or “Right Wing”.
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:35 am
The Nazi party was the exact opposite of the socialism we think of. When someone says “I am a socialist”, most of his political beliefs are the polar opposite of those pushed by the National Socialist German Workers’ Party.
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:52 am
“Glen beck said that the nazi party was a socialist party… i think that summarize his intelligence”
Um… National Socialist German Workers’ Party. That’s difficult to understand?
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:24 am
Actually, I’m a libertarian. This is irrelevant because Glenn Beck is a fucktard no matter what you believe.
July 1st, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Jordan Says:
June 15th, 2009 at 5:33 am
‘DOB, maybe you shouldn’t have written this article. I mean most of your audience loved it, myself included, but I read a disturbing comment by GooseGrunman. What I didn’t realize while I was laughing my ass off is that you’re losing the coveted Conservative-Libertarian demographic like GooseGrunman. As you may know, a majority of Cracked.com readers are conservatives, so maybe you should stop writing hilarious articles poking fun of the right wing media so that you can preserve that golden demographic”
So you want to censor it? ye way to go…
And the fact that the audience loved it does not mean it is good.
The interview with the person afterward were a good example.
July 1st, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Glen beck said that the nazi party was a socialist party… i think that summarize his intelligence
July 1st, 2009 at 8:34 am
Glen Beck is a nazi. plain and f***ing simple.
June 30th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Simon Hawthorne…
Of course the nazis proclaimed themselves as protectors of civilization against communism. They needed something to get their people to fight against. The nazis knew that so called “crimes of the jews” would not be reason enough for all Germans to rally behind the ideals of the regime, so they needed to establish PR as a protector against an imminent danger such as communism to unite their people completely… Though not conservative, the nazis tried to ally themselves with seemingly conservative groups, because ideals of the masses revolved around conservative thought. It mattered not what the actual nazi ideology was, but rather how they could present their ideology to the people in a seemingly agreeable way… This is the same with any regime on the offensive. One can look at the modern Islamic terrorist group. It should be noted that most Muslims are very peaceful, friendly, and generally good people. However, Islamic terrorists groups use their religion to connect to a common ideology of groups in their societies. It is not really about some holy jihad. Rather, jihad and the idea of supposedly obeying one’s god allows for terrorist groups to strengthen their influence and clout in many parts of the Muslim community… The point is that you cannot simply look at a regime’s affiliations and determine their beliefs and political motives. Rather, every political affiliation for a regime serves only to supposedly benefit that regime from their position in the world. That being said, though nazis may have affiliated themselves with conservative groups of the day, you cannot automatically connect nazi ideology to conservative ideology. Furthermore, your description of “conservative” proves relatively subjective. It is obvious that you are comparing “conservative” ideology of 1930s and 40s Europe to “conservative” ideology of the present day in the United States. The concepts of such “conservative” ideologies would prove dramatically different if one compared them, thus what is “conservative” is obviously relative to both time, historical context, and the social dynamic of the time in question.
June 30th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
They proclaimed that they stood for traditional values dgreen in order to get conservative voters also proclaiming themselves as protectors of “civilization” against the communists. (Some of their propaganda in fact showed them leading a European crusade against Bolshevism._
Also the thing about the nazis was that there allies were conservatives not socialists in Hungary, and Bulgaria. THey turned against Hungary only when it seemed like it would try to leave the Axis.
June 29th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
So was that from a 15 year old that went of his meds or something.. very uhhhh whats the word I’m looking for… childish..no..biased..no.. oh heck I guess I’ll just have to settle for uninformed.
June 28th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Goddamn that was hilarious. I think I’m going to read it again.
Oh, and “theEnemyBelow”: While I appreciate what you’re saying, I think you should know that We Don’t Capitalize Every Word In The English Language Anymore. Or Ever.
June 28th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
“# Nick Worrell Says:
June 18th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Daniel O`Brien,if your getting paid for this stuff then keep on keeping on because I can`t imagine you making a living anywhere else.Your about as smart as a wet paper sack full of rocks”
I love when people make personal insults instead of addressing the issue at hand. FYI, when youre trying to insult someone, use proper spelling if you want people to take you seriously.
June 27th, 2009 at 7:09 am
The Whole TRouble With Beck and The Bunch Is That They’d Rather Go After The Straw Man of Political Correctness Rather
Than The Religious Right!!!
Basically,If a Bunch Of Feminists Raise Hell About Hooters Restraunts,The Faux Snooze Bunch Raises Nine Kinds Of Hell
About It!!!
But,If Bible Thumpers Like Pat Robertson or John Hagee Do The Same Thing,Theyr’e Strangely Mum About It!!!
Why??Because Thirty Years Ago,”Saint”Reagan Sold The GOP Out To a Bunch Of TV Preachers and We Haven’t Gotten Rid Of Them since!!!
A Really Good Book To Read Is”Conservatives Without Conscience”by John Dean.
Now Convicted Watergate Conspirator John Dean Is Hardly a Bleeding Heart Liberal and Was Friends With The Late Barry Goldwater,Who Also Wasn’t Exactly On The Invite List For Dinner
With Michael Moore!!
However,While Other Conservatives Only Wanted The Government Out Of Your Lives When It Came To Business
Practices But Not Your Personal Life,Goldwater Meant For Your
Personal Life As Well!!!
There’s a Really Great Quote That He Told John Dean Regarding The Rise Of The Religious Right In The Book:”Mark My Words John,
Once We Let These Damned Preachers Under The Tent,We’ll Have Hell Getting Rid Of Them!!!”.
And He Sure Wasn’t Fond Of The Late Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson Either!!
He Was Once Quoted As Saying”Any American With an Ounce Of Sense Oughta Kick Jerry Falwell Right In His Ass!!”.
And Isn’t It Kinda Funny How The Whole Faux Snooze Bunch Is Quiet About How The Governor of South Carolina Went Off To Argentina With His Girlfriend While Claiming That He Was Going
Hiking On The Appalachian Trail!!!
Yet,Governor Landers Is a Married Man Who Loves To Proclaim The Virtues Of Marriage and Family While Carrying On With a Mistress in South America!!!
“Damn You Stink Man!!”.
June 27th, 2009 at 12:02 am
I’m late to the party (story of my life), but I got to add this:
Beck’s obsession with the “perfection” of the founding fathers is rooted in the Mormon belief that the founding fathers were guided by God to establish the United States *specifically* so that Joseph Smith could found the Mormon Church. Smith was so arrogant that he fooled himself into believing that America was founded for his benefit to restore the true religion to Earth.
The “prophecy” is chapter 20 in the Doctrines and Covenants, a collection of “prophecies” (chuckle) that were mostly elliptical or ad hoc defenses of whatever whim crossed Smith’s mind … such as talking his wife into letting him sleep with other chicks. “God said so, Emma. Cross my heart; it’s the Lord’s will that I’ve got to bed that pretty widow…”
June 26th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Also Machiavelli give me a boner. Come to think of it that’s probably the only reason i like reading your articals.
June 26th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
I, being red family raised, and an U.S. Army Infantrymen, according to society, should be offended by this. Thankfully I am not. I appreciate a fresh approach on current events and politics, especially when it’s satirical and / or humorous. I find myself surrounded by a sea of red, constantly, and your articals provid me with the release (strictly non-sexual) that I need. It’s not just your humor, but where it stems from, that I enjoy. Your knowledge in american history, humanities and english lit (I particularly enjoyed micheal bay’s “The Great Gatsby” and it’s Rand quotes) is impressive.
Please forgive my rambling, for I am drunk, but, please, keep up the good work, your work is both hilarious and reflective.
With absolute love and a bit of adoration (i want to have you babies.)
Jankowsky
June 26th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
well said “YeahImAMormon”.
June 26th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Please don’t judge all Mormons on Glenn Beck. I didn’t ask for him to join my religion, and I’m certainly not happy about the way he conducts himself. It gives all of us a bad name. Yes, Mormons skew very conservative, but the ones who really understand their religion know that it is about tolerance of differences and love, not pitting “US” vs. “THEM”. Beck, O’Reilly, Hannity, they all have this strange view where being a good person means hating everyone else. It’s disgusting and I can’t listen to them. So again, don’t think that we are all like Glenn Beck. Thanks.
June 26th, 2009 at 8:07 am
Oh, and the fact that you think Hitler and the Nazis stood for “traditional values” just shows how ignorant you are on the subject. IT WAS THE EXACT OPPOSITE.
Man, those Anti-Individual, Anti-Capitalist, Big Government Nazis and Italian Fascitists were sooooooo conservative….
June 26th, 2009 at 8:02 am
I’m done with you. You won’t even take 5 minutes to look up the Nazi Party platform. Do some research. I’ve done mine.
June 25th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
How is it not right winged? Was not the right wing that which stood for the “traditional” values of a nation? As the Nazis claimned they were doing.
dgreen great so they weren’t your kind of conservative that doesn’t make them not conservative.
Also my problem with beck is not crap like political corectness but that I think he is not funny and a propagandist. Like Micheal Moore.
Dgreen provide proof to that claim that the american left were “in love” with it. Because I’d like to direct you to the business plot then (funny thing is I encountered a libertarian who said he wished it had gone though.) The AMerican left were mostly in love with stalin. While others were in love with Emma Goldman and Trotsky.
Also fascism in the italian model was in many ways more left then German fascism with much more government and private partnerships then the Germans.
Bill your actually wrong about curtailment of civil liberties, the 20s saw prohibition funny thing is it was enforced by Calvin Collidge who some libertarians like to claim as the greatest president. (Not that the left is better they uphold FDR as some great liberal and he got cowed by Hoover, and pass the Marijuana tax act, and the internment.)
For those calling that idiot Wilson a fascist, he wasn’t in fact he is in many ways the first Neocon with his obsession of expanding Democracy.
The problem with America is we have two parties one to the left and the other on the right and no centrist party, this allows ideologues to grow in number and endanger us.
June 25th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
To Bill:
It wasn’t just because of WWI…Again, try actually doing some research and maybe read a book?
I’ll also say this again (because you seem to skip over most of what I type); Read the freakin’ National Socialist Workers Party platform. Please. Do it. Then come back and tell me that the Nazis were “right-wing”. Rounding up gays and communist doesn’t make someone right wing dumbass, not to mention that wasn’t their “first order of business”. My god, you have no idea what the hell you’re talking about. You’re basing you’re statements off of nothing. I’ve actually researched this and have read several books. Come back when you’ve done the same…
Nazism wasn’t even true fascism. You want fascism? Look at Italian Fascism. The American Left were in love with it. It was the future of governance.
And I’m not a Republican…I’m a Libertarian. The majority of Republicans today are RINOs, not true conservatives.
June 25th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
ignorence indeed overcast! :)))
June 24th, 2009 at 9:45 am
>>”Also, to the people calling George Bush “right wing”, explain to me how drastically expanding the size and power of the federal government, giving gov. fiat to corporations to run rampant. ”
By that definition, NO Republican president has been “right wing” since Benjamin Harrison in the 1800s. Even Saint Ronny Reagan raised taxes up the whazoo and expanded the size of gov’t. Eisenhower taxed the rich at 90% and wasted taxpayer money building the interstate system. Under Nixon, we got the EPA and affirmative action. Mind telling me why they were “right wing” but Bush isn’t? Bush never raised taxes to pay for anything. For that alone, he is the most right wing president in history.
June 24th, 2009 at 9:40 am
dgreen wrote:
“LOL at all the people who think fascism is right wing. Read a book please. Do some research. Try researching the National Socialist Workers Party platform (Nazi).”
So that is why the Nazis first order of business was rounding up the commies and killing gays, because they were liberal. Ahh, now I get it. Thanks.
June 24th, 2009 at 9:37 am
>>Dgreen wrote:
>>”And if you guys think that fascism can’t happen in America…>>well, it already has. See: Woodrow Wilson.”
See: World War I and the curtailment of liberties that attend EVERY war we have ever fought. The more relevant question is, just which party is speaking out against the repealment of liberties during wartime TODAY, and NOT during the roaring 20s.
The GOP marched blindly in lockstep with Bush throughout the past eight years. You guys care as much about liberty as Palin does about shaving her Alaskan beaver.
June 24th, 2009 at 2:50 am
Glen Beck is ray of hope in a world whos eyes have been sewn shut by political corectness, confusion, and blind ignorence of the unknown. Those condem him fear him and what he says and stands up for, which is this country that is slowly sliping away. God bless America.
June 23rd, 2009 at 3:43 pm
I love this write up so much.
If Glenn Beck is a satirist, what is he satirizing? Conservative holier-than-thou, communists-are-destruction morons? We have Stephen Colbert for that who does that job, with stats that demonstrate he is far more effective than Beck at making Americans laugh.
My favorite is your “haters” who can’t fucking spell - really people, how hard is it to type slowly so that others /don’t/ see you as an semi-literate troll with a penchant for sms-speak?
Glenn Beck is not only full of shit, his attempts to reimagine history are lowbrow and disgusting. I never thought they could dig deeper than Bill O’Reilly. I see I am wrong on that aspect!
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:12 pm
[...] post came about while I was reading a piece on Cracked about conservative comedian Glenn Beck. Part of Beck’s shtick is the love of liberty, [...]
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:33 pm
And if you guys think that fascism can’t happen in America…well, it already has.
See: Woodrow Wilson
Many Progressives loved fascism.
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:29 pm
To Simon:
I really don’t want to argue this here. But fascism is NOT right-wing. It’s not conservative in the least bit. Communist and Fascist only butted heads because they were fighting for the exact same social space. The exact same types of people. Fascism was completely anti-Capitalist and anti-Individualist, what the hell is “right-wing” or “conservative” about that? And when you say “Liberalism” it actually means what a libertarian or true conservative is today. It’s called “Classical Liberalism”. Except big-government progressives hijacked “liberal” to mean something exactly opposite of libertarianism or conservatism.
Just take a look at the Italian Fascists and Nazi party platforms (again, Nazis didn’t implement true fascism, in fact, fascism is only mentioned in Mein Kampf twice). Do that, and then comeback and tell me that they’re “right-wing” or “conservative”.
Hell, just take a look at Hitler’s and Mussolini’s own words.
And no, fascism is NOT reactionary at all. Nazis were not reactionary. Mussolini was not reactionary. Again, look at what they said themselves. They didn’t want to restore anything. Fascism was seen by people all over the world (even idolized by many American Progressive Leftists) as the “way of the future”.
There’s nothing conservative about Big Government and Statism.
June 22nd, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Bravo Simon!!
Let’s Look At Theodore Roosevelt and Glenn Beck,Shall We??
TR:Dutch on His Daddy’s Side and Scots-Irish On His Momma’s.
The Scots-Irish Are A Stubborn Breed Of People!!
Read Senator Jim Webb’s”Born Fighting:How The Scots-Irish Helped Shape America.”Sometime and You’ll See Why!!!
Glenn Beck:With a Name Like Beck,I’m Guessing He’s German.
Wrote”An Inconvient Book”.Whatever The Hell That Means.
TR:Cowboy;Deputy Sherriff;Police Commissioner of NYC;Secretary of the Navy;President and Vice President of The US;Rode a Horse Named”Little Texas”;Commanded The 1st US Volunteer Cavalry In The Spanish-American War;Sportsman and Conservationalist;
Met Copmanche Chief Quanah Parker and Invited Him To Ride In His Inaugration Parade;Survived an Assassin’s Bullet;Boxed;Practiced Judo;Lost a Son in WW1;His Son and Namesake,General Theodore Roosevelt,Junior;Led His Troops Ashore During The Normandy Invasion,June 6,1944-Despite Having Rhuematoid Arthritis AND A Bum Ticker!!;Has At Least 8 High Schools Named After Him Including One in San Antonio-Which Is Where He Organized and Trained The Rough Riders;
First President to Fly In a Plane;Beleived In The Right To Keep and Bear Arms and HUnting and Fishing*(*Sorta Like Ted Nugent
W/O The Rock&Roll and The General Craziness!!);Tried To Organize A Volunteer Unit Like The Rough Riders During WW1;
Has an Aircraft Carrier-The USS Theodore Roosevelt Named After Him and a Child’s Toy-The Teddy Bear-Named For Him!!!
And Played in The Movies By Brian Keith(1975’s’The Wind and The Lion’);Tom Berringer*(*1997 Mini Series”Rough Riders”for TNT)and Robin Williams in Both”Night At The Museum”Movies!!!
Glenn Beck:Never served in the Military;Probably Ran Out Of The Theater and Asked For His Money Back After The First 10 Minutes of”Saving Private Ryan”;Recovering Alcoholic;Stars In His”Comedy Tour”(??)Movie”;’Got His BB Gun Taken Away After Shooting Out a Window;Has Wet Dreams About Sarah Palin;Michelle Malkin;Ann Coulter and Masturbates to Anything By Ayn Rand!!!
Teddy Roosevelt:Could Whoop Glenn Beck’s Little Whiny Ass Any Day Not To Mention Sean Hannity AND Bill O’Reilly!!!
“Son,Fat,Drunk and Stupid Is No Way To Go Through Life!!”
-Dean Wormer(John Vrernon)”Animal House”.
G
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:30 pm
If Glenn Beck is a satirist so is Micheal Moore.
The guy is full of shit, spewing out bullshit about great presidents who actually fought for their country like Theodore Roosevelt and then claiming the guy was a socialist. That is hilarious in that he is dead wrong.
degreen Fascism is right wing in the fact it was a reactionary ideology formned to combat the more hyper individuality of liberalism (and its growing internationalism), along with obviously communism. Both were seen asw enemies of traditional order while fascism was an attempt to “restore” that order.
June 22nd, 2009 at 10:32 am
How can u write a 10 page article on ur hate for someone that had a 2 hr show. Ur all loser fags and I hope you die soon
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:35 am
LOL at all the people who think fascism is right wing. Read a book please. Do some research. Try researching the National Socialist Workers Party platform (Nazi). Maybe you should research Mussolini and Italian Fascism (true fascism).
Most of you can’t even define what “conservative” or “right-wing” actually means.
Yet another failure of the monopolized GOVERNMENT education system.
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:12 am
[...] supposed to understand it. Maybe I’m suppose to sit here and jerk-off to Glenn Beck’s Common Sense Comedy Tour. Yeah that’s it. I’m just going to sit here with my huge tub of J&Y Jelly and let [...]
June 21st, 2009 at 10:34 pm
Daria,
Uh, so? What’s your point?
Russia has Moscow University so what does that mean in relation to Germany?
Nothing.
Our universities mean nothing in relation to America’s and vice versa.
Also, our top school is McGill University. The one I attended.
Also, it’s Alan Harris. Clearly laid out in the name section… Did Harvard teach you to be that observant? (That’s a joke, don’t freak out.)
June 21st, 2009 at 8:17 pm
>>”they” so often mentioned are the people who are trying to take the country that was originally intended to be a primarily libertarian country of “just leave us the fuck alone” and are trying to turn it into a social nanny state. but… you already know that.”
Might want to crack the books Conservative asshobo.
Beck’s favorite of the founding fathers, Thomas Paine, advocated everything from a tax funded school system to old age pensions.
Oh, and he virulently hated class inequality, too.
Much like the little known fact that Ronald Reagan raised taxes more than any peacetime president in history, your party is based on lies.
June 21st, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Never before on Cracked have a read a more hyper-emotionally charged load of horseshit. This is a place people go to forget about shit that actually matters. Glenn Beck is a SATARIST, which means that when he says something, it probably shouldn’t be taken for God’s honest fucking truth - he is an entertainer, not the motherfucking messiah.
June 21st, 2009 at 10:48 am
@Frank
Anarchy is clearly incredibly left-wing. Maybe you confused left with right? It wouldn’t surprise me, considering how stupid your statements were. Facism is right-wing, because right-wing is about being more and more in control, and Fascism is as ‘in control’ as you can possibly get.
June 20th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
If anyone wants to talk to me feel free to contact me at volingrad@gmail.com
June 20th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
christ.. were to start.. ok first of all fascism is a political system were the government is controlled by the millitary it is niether left or right wing, it is simply a dictatorship whos policies make it a left or right wing. the nazis were the united SOCIALIST workers party.
2nd: what the fuck is the “dangers of universal health care”? my grand mothers a brittish doctor and she has told me about the system they have in the U.K it sounds great.
3rd: how the hell did fascism grow out of marxism?! nazism is the one that grew out of marxism…
4th: i agree with austin how can you define anarchy on a political spectrum? anarchy is no government..
5th (and finnaly): this was a very funny article and i like mr. o’ brians work. i have seen the “comedy” show and i was duely offended by glen beck i hate him soooooo much.
June 20th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
Haha, suck it JB
June 20th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Good post. I’m a moderate and even I am disgusted with Glenn Beck. I’ve seen his stuff before and it astounds me people actually believe him. Then again, plenty of people believe in Scientology these days too, so I shouldn’t be so surprised.
Oh, and Allen Harris, I might not be in the same boat as frank, but if I were you I wouldn’t get into a competition with the U.S. over schools, considering that Canadas best universities are the University of Alberta and the University of Toronto, while the U.S. has Harvard, Yale, and M.I.T…..
Long story American universities > Canadian Universities.
June 19th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
Oh, and Frank?
Yeah, I majored in Political Science in something we Canadians call a “university” and… er… uhm… Fascism is not Socialism. Fascism is a political ideology and Socialism is an economic ideology.
Yikes…
June 19th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
Chris, if you don’t like Dan’s comedy why don’t you just NOT read it? Oh, and “gravitas”? Really? Really?! You know this site is basically dedicated to dick jokes, right? If you’re looking for “gravitas” you’re not going to find it anywhere in the pages of Cracked.
Fuck I hate Glenn Beck.
What an asshole.
June 19th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
“Glenn Beck Says:
June 19th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
I just want to let you know that this article made me cry for two straight days.”
Hi Daniel! You totally rock!!!
XXXOOOXXX
June 19th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
I just want to let you know that this article made me cry for two straight days.
June 19th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
Congratulations! You just alienated and lost a reader.
June 19th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
It wasn’t all that long ago that it was difficult to stop reading Cracked. It was interesting, smart, and hilarious. Not so much these days.
Maybe laugh tracks would help alleviate some of the unfunny. It’d certainly be more effective than the tiresome use of the word “fuck” that Mr. O’Brien seems to think adds extra-hefty portions of humor and gravitas to his commentary.
June 19th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Glenn beck is a son of a bitch.I just saw his suppose comedy tour and he never made me laugh…racist fuck.He is just like any old white guy from here that is scared to his witts that whites will no longer be in control.
June 19th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
frank, where are you getting any of your information… it is totally wrong. communism and fascism share many of the same aspects but they are at the opposite ends of the spectrum. i would really like to know where you got your information and or who taught you it (if anyone actually did).
June 19th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Glenn Besck is a hazard to people. Pretty soon, he’ll lose his shit and just start biting democrats at random.
June 19th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Okay,so there ain’t a perfect health care system!!!
No,I don’t quite agree that National Health Care is
the best thing since sliced bread!!
Yet,I don’t agree that market based health care is
the best aproach either!!!
They both have their drawbacks and good points!!!
However,when Big Insurance;Big Medicene and Big Pharma are
gettin’their wangs sucked by Politicians like a Killeen Hooker when the 1st Cavalry Division gets a Weekend Pass;yet tell us the same ol’BS;somethin’ain’t right either!!!
Who knows??As Stewie Griffin says”It’s a Dog Eat Dog World Out There and I’m Wearin’Meat Jammies!!”.
June 19th, 2009 at 10:14 am
“I make $100k a year now. Same percentage of my income goes to taxes as it always has. Well, less now that Obama has cut them for me.”
That’s funny, because I make $100K also and I’ve seen no tax cuts. Why do you suppose that is?
“Plus, if you’re making $250k a year, I don’t need your complaints about jack shit.”
First of all, calm yourself. I make $100K and the government takes $37,000 in taxes from me per year and gives basically nothing back. I’m complaining because I’m not rich but Obama apparently thinks I am and wants to raise my taxes. Do you think this is fair?
“ime for some facts. A majority of Americans have health insurance, in the same sense that a majority of Americans approve of Obama’s performance. However, 80% of jobs is not “almost any” job, and the insurance we *do* have as full-time workers is tissue-thin. I pay $500 monthly for myself and my two children, and there is a 70-page booklet of shit my insurance doesn’t cover. If I ever get really sick, I’m screwed. And they have gaping holes in my “gold” coverage as well, which force me to pay absurd co-pay fees. I am buying *nothing* and paying double for it. Just one example: my glucometer test strips are “covered” in the sense that my insurer will pay $1.95 to my $65. That’s some fucking gold coverage right there. My primary means of ensuring my diabetes is controlled is effectively uninsured.”
Just because most people approve of this guy’s performance, doesn’t mean he’s doing a good job. I’m sorry you have crappy insurance, but what makes you think Obama’s health care reform is going to make things any better? My mother is from the UK and told me the dangers of universal health care. We may not have a perfect system, but trust me, things could be worse.
“And, moron, if you wait for, for example your blood sugar or blood pressure to get so bad that you end up at the emergency room,
shit-for-brains, you’re going to maybe live to be 40 if that, dickhead. You can’t walk into the ER and ask for an insulin shot after
every meal, fucktard. You can’t walk into the ER every time you need a shot of Albuterol because you are having trouble breathing,”
First of all, anyone can go to the ER anytime they want and they have to be treated, by law, so don’t give me that shit that you have to be on the verge of death for anything to be done. My cousin is an ER doctor and tells me how it is.
“The list goes on, you magnificently stupid asshole. The use of the ER for regular treatment of medical conditions is
a sign that the system is broken, you goddamn self-centered idiot.”
What’s your deal? Not everyone agrees with you. I’m sorry we don’t agree with your messiah, but it’s a free country and we are free to disagree with him. We have Medicare for people that can’t afford insurance. What do you think it’s there for?
“
So what retirement plan were Americans supposed to use? The pensions that nearly all large American companies have - whoops! — apparently spent or lost while no one was looking? Or the ones that companies don’t even bother to offer anymore? Oh that’s right, I’m supposed to save for my retirement in my 401k that is DOING SO GODDAMN WELL IN THE STOCK MARKET.”
We’re supposed to be responsible for ourselves. The government shouldn’t have to take care of us. We aren’t babies.
“Plus, Social Security will be just fine if, for example, the cap on taxable income is raised so that the wealthy, who control the lion’s share of our nation’s income, have to contribute to it as well. They earn the benefit just like anyone else, so they should contribute, like anyone else.”
What’s your evidence that wealthy people don’t contribute to Social Security? My father is wealthy (as I am, according to Obama), and we both contribute a massive amount to Social Security. Explain that.
“I eagerly await you telling that to millions of single parents across the nation. I can assume you haven’t been to a fast food drive-through recently to see the despair-laden spectacle of middle-aged men and women asking if I’d like fries with that. I don’t have charts and graphs, but the last time I saw a restaurant staffed by kids under 30, *I* was a kid under 30. That was a few years ago. Before George W. Bush. Also, please ask the employees at Wal-Mart, who comprise a full 1% of our nation’s workforce, if they’re doing something wrong. They might ask YOU where their locally-owned businesses went. Fucking idiot.”
To blame Bush for people stuck in dead-end jobs is asinine beyond comprehension. We all have amazing opportunities in this country and I’m sorry, but I have to agree with this person, if you are stuck in that situation, and don’t have some sort of handicap, you didn’t work hard enough, plain and simple.
June 19th, 2009 at 10:10 am
the political spectrum can never and should never be described as a line… the only accurate way to depict it is circular… while fascism and communism are indeed very similar (thus the proximity on the circle… fascism DOES lie to the far right, while communism to the far left, thus why they are really so close to each other while giving the illusion of opposites… and don’t give me the bullshit that anarchy is far right… how can a lack of a political system be classified on a POLITICAL spectrum… anarchy is simply what happens when you nuke the circle…
June 19th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Nick Worrell,
You should probably get your homophones straight (heh heh) before criticizing someone else’s intellect. You’RE a jerk.
June 19th, 2009 at 9:28 am
WTF? Fascism is left wing? Since when? Fascism is an ultra-nationalist philosophy…as in The State comes first…before family and god, and whatever else…
Sounds pretty conservative to me…
June 19th, 2009 at 5:37 am
Anarchy is as far right as you can get (as anarchy is the absense of any government). Minarchism and Republicanism are also right wing, Conservatism less so. Fascism is left wing just like communism; they are two sides of the same coin. Rather than fanning the flames of internationalist revolution through class warfare like Marxists, Fascists fan the flames of national revolution through racial hatred and extreme jingoism.
The fact remains that fascism is a statist doctrine, and all statism is left wing (including “neoconservatism”).
Maybe if you guys actually studied politics rather than just gobbling up the shit you are told by the media and internet comedy websites.
June 19th, 2009 at 5:33 am
Fascists are socialists. Fascism grew out of Marxism. If any of you had actually ever taken your own advice (and picked up a book) you would understand this.
Define right wing, and then explain to me how fascism fits that definition.
June 18th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Frank, are you retarded?
June 18th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Daniel O`Brien,if your getting paid for this stuff then keep on keeping on because I can`t imagine you making a living anywhere else.Your about as smart as a wet paper sack full of rocks
June 18th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Daniel O’Brien must have read my mind or something, because I saw the movie as well and was pretty much spending my time shaking my head and not laughing, silently wondering when Glenn Beck’s sniper squad would come and shoot me down for not laughing at his oh-so-hilarious bullshit.
Not that I laugh at comedians much anyhow… though I must admit, I did start gagging when I found a George Carlin vid on YouTube…
June 18th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
“I Went Into Bobby’s Room This Morning and I Caught Him…singing…Into a Hairbrush!!”-Hank Hill.
JanewaysCoffee,hey,I agree with you!!!
Ever since Raygun turned the GOP over to a buncha damned TV Preachers 30 Years ago,it just ain’t the same!!!
“Are You Hungry Dear?”-Marie Barrone.
June 18th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
You’re all idiots.
June 18th, 2009 at 11:15 am
I don’t want to let the loudmouth minority yell at you about socialism or how Obama’s from Kenya or whatever, and create the impression they are the majority of Cracked’s readership, while people like me chuckle in agreement and leave, so: I enjoyed this article.
June 18th, 2009 at 10:47 am
message to frank. you are very stupid. fascists are right winged. as far right as you can get. read a book.
June 18th, 2009 at 10:36 am
I would just like to say all Americans are stupid.
THIS MEANS YOU.
That is all.
June 18th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Hysterical! I’ve always loathed Glen Beck’s tv show, and figured his “comedy” tour would be ripe for a few laughs at Beck’s expense, I just couldn’t part with $20 to find out. Thanks!
June 18th, 2009 at 9:48 am
I think it’s hilarious that he put a commercial for his book in his movie. I think I really want to see this now… as soon as it’s downloadable for free that is.
Does anyone else wonder if the day will ever come when all of these radical far leaning pundits come out and say “you know, we were all full of shit…we did it for the money…”. The Becks, O’Reilly’s, Mahrs, Hannitys, Moores, all of the people who make a living out of being outrageous and over the top and pass it off as political discourse…. I give it about twenty/thirty years before the first one is on his deathbed and he calls bullshit on the whole thing.
June 18th, 2009 at 8:24 am
And the nuts wasted no time pushing the far-right memes. Surprise, surprise.
June 18th, 2009 at 8:13 am
People who don’t think America is already socialist, and is becoming even more socialist, don’t know anything about anything.
People who think “Socialism” is a good thing, and tell conservatives who badmouth it to “learn what Socialism means”, need to take their own advice.
Beck is a scare mongering wank stain.
That doesn’t automatically make everything he says false.
Also, to the people calling George Bush “right wing”, explain to me how drastically expanding the size and power of the federal government, giving gov. fiat to corporations to run rampant.
Just because someone is a Christian, and conservative on social issues, doesn’t mean they are “right wing”. Obama is a Christian and is against Gay Marriage (despite his pathetic attempts at compromise), does that somehow make him “right wing”?
I bet you also thing fascists and Nazis are right wing…. oh wait, they are fellow socialists!
June 18th, 2009 at 8:01 am
The auther of this article is wrong to write off the fact that Socialism is making leaps and bounds in America (although it has since the 30’s so it’s not like it’s news) just because Glenn Beck is crazy.
Back when Beck was on CNN, I used to watch him when Lou Dobbs was a rerun. He would occasionally and he was usually pretty spot on in his criticism of both sides of the isle.
I haven’t watched him since he moved to Fox (which will never be allowed in my house), and I won’t defend him now as he is a batshit insane mormon bastard. I lost all respect for him when he bawled his eyes out in some special (something he now does every other day).
Of course this is a comedy site so of course you will attack the man rather than the arguments he makes.
June 18th, 2009 at 7:35 am
I hate to stick myself in this swirling miasma of disagreement but I’m REALLY sick and tired of Republicans being stereotyped as browbeating, idiotic, racist old people. I’m a 25 year-old woman. I’m not racist. I believe people should marry whomever they choose. Anyone who wants to enter this country legally should come on over. I’m also a Republican. A liberal Republican–I’m smack in the middle of the road. I voted Republican this past election because I knew President Obama would be extreme left. I don’t like extreme anything. Currently Republicans have no power whatsoever, and that disappoints me only because President Obama’s policies could use just a teensy bit of moderation. That’s my whole outlook in one paragraph, although I seriously doubt anyone gives a flying fuck, and I’m not looking forward to the wave of hatred liable to wash over me so…be gentle.
That being said, I DETEST Glenn Beck, but if it’s really Laugh or Die then I can fake a chuckle. I would have laughed at the article but for the whole “stupid racist old white people” motif that pervaded it.
June 18th, 2009 at 6:34 am
I usually love your articles but this one is totally off-point and just flat out wrong.
On the internet everyone is an athiest and/or a liberal. Because even if you aren’t you will get flamed all to hell, so I understand why you have to post shit like this. It does not change the fact that you are wrong about your assumptions of Mr. Beck.
June 18th, 2009 at 5:56 am
Sometimes I watch Glen Beck on Fox just to be appauled. This guy is seriously screwed up. Thanks for sacrificing your brain cells for this funny, thought-provoking blog.
June 18th, 2009 at 5:32 am
I hate Glen Beck, He is such an asshole! You rock DOB : )
June 17th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
@rookie
It’s extremely late in my time zone, and I don’t want to bother typing a long drawn out diatribe, but I felt the need to share this:
When I read the second to last sentence that you typed, I burst out laughing. Not chuckling, not “haha”, not “Oh, that’s funny”. I was just under a belly laugh and just over an amused snort. That’s where I was. It’s the kind of laugh that get’s you stared at if you’re in an office environment when you make it.
And it’s not like I’m trying to prove a point. It’s as instinctual a reaction in me as laughing at a joke on comedy central. I found that sentence fundamentally hilarious, so I laughed.
Anywho: You should start a comedy tour. You’ll do better than glenn beck did.
June 17th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Michael: Glenn Beck’s a crazy old guy on TV who pulls out Jenga blocks and proceeds to scream at them for destroying America.
June 17th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
This is pretty much the funniest DOB i’ve ever read. I kind of want to go see the thing now just because it sounds so fucked up.
June 17th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
[...] shows. Two! He did two shows which were telecast in movie theaters around the country. He also didn’t tell any jokes, unless we count the rape skit as a [...]
June 17th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
The Q and A at the end sums it up very nicely. His fans get all worked up and cannot string together a rational thought to back it up.
June 17th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
Who the fuck is Glenn Beck?
June 17th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Seriously? This is supposed to be funny?
June 17th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
This is an insult to current and aspiring writers everywhere. Taking a person, regardless of whether you agree or disagree with him, and essentially engaging in a series of name-calling and deliberate word-twisting is just immature. Think middle-school-teenage-girl immature. I’m trying to get out of my conservative polarization enough so that I can at least *tolerate* the liberal viewpoint. However, when you are saying such things as “Glenn Beck supports rape”, even though you KNOW that is not the point, it just shows that you have nothing intelligent to say against the guy, and you just don’t like him because he disagrees with you. Never mind the fact that he offers some of the most intelligent political advice in the mainstream media. Maybe, just maybe one day you will learn to actually LISTEN to the politically educated, and then your writing will come to reflect your newfound intelligence.
June 17th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
@glendoor42:
“I guess the Mormons picked Glenn Beck to overcompensate at being an asshole so they can make their asshole quota for the Bureau of Standards for Assholes and General Dickery .”
Mitt Romney filled that quota…and then some. Beck’s just bonus dickishness.
June 17th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Bravo Grumbley!!You Hit The Nail On The Head!!!
You Know,I Thought Voting Was a Right For All Citizens,
Not For How Much Money Your’e Wortrh!!!
And I Guess Eric Thought The Newsreel Of Blacks Having Firehoses and Police Dogs in Alabama 45 Years Ago Was
A 60’s Predecesor of America’s Funniest Videos!!!
Not a March For The Basic Human Rights Denied To Them
Because of The Color Of Their Skin!!!
Yes,I Beleive In Free Enterprise!!!And I Beleive In The Basics Of a
Free Market Economy!!!
But The Problem With These Dickwads Who Fantasise About Ayn Rand Wearing a Black Patent Bustier and Tying Them Up and Beating Them While She Reads Passages of”Atlas Shrugged”and Asks Them”Have You Been a No Account Welfare Bum??”Treat
The Free Market As Half Imiganiary Childhood Friend and Half Cult!!!!
And It’s a Funny Thing:The same Characters Who Holler”The Free Market Will Cure Evrerything!!”Are The Same Ones Who Are The First In Line For a Government Bailout When Things Go Bad!!!
June 17th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
There are a few like Kathleen Turner and Rueben Navarette,but for the most part,they’ve been replaced by Lobotomized Babboons like Beck;Hannity;O’Reilly and Ann Coulter and Michelle”Don’t Call Me An Anchor Baby!!”Malkin!!!
June 17th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
@Thursday’s Child:
“Are there any intelligent conservatives left out there?”
George Will is still writing for the Washington Post and can be found on the air as an ABC news analyst.
June 17th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
FUCK GLEN FUCKIN BITCH BECK (I didn’t put the second N in his name just cause FUCK HIM) lol
June 17th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
And the government is so inefficient, wait for it…….. BECAUSE IT IS INHERENTLY CORRUPT. THE GOVERNMENT OPERATES AS A MONOPOLY IN AN INDUSTRY WITH INFINITE ENTRY COSTS AND INFINITE EXIT COSTS. ESSENTIALLY THE MOST CORRUPT BUSINESS IS…….. THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT.
June 17th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Furthermore, you have a far greater amount of turnover in companies after deregulation. Nobody sits in an office for 40 years in a guaranteed position of long term authority. You have a much more liquid economy after deregulation than we ever had during the days of heavy regulation. After the break up of the airline regulations, several NEW competitive players appeared on the scene. Same with deregulation of telecommunications. And this didn’t even start or end in the united states. England started the game of privatization and even Japan privatized most parts of their formerly state run industries (Japan Rail). Every country, including the most liberal of liberal European nations follows this path. Crack a history book and maybe study economics Ok?
June 17th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
# TryNotToCry Says:
June 17th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
“I love that the gov’t gets blasted for being inefficient, but not the private companies that screw over their employees and the market? The ONLY reason I agree with gov’t involvement is to stop corruption in the private sector. If the gov’t is inefficient, then the private sector is corrupt. Choose your poison.
Also, I love Swaimfan but slippytoads rant just earned him a wink
couldn’t agree with you more!”
Actually true corruption lies only the government. Free people behave like free people in a free market. The government creates opportunities for corruption, not reduce them. When the government controlled the airlines in the united states, how many new airlines emerged? None. None. That bared repeating. Large oligopolies were insulated from risk and behaved inneficiently trying to vote their paychecks higher. The new deal increased the number of monopolies. Most cases of financial corruption occurred inside government insulated banks. Fannie Mae and Freddie anyone? Don’t you get that? Government creates corruption. The people who regulate the economy sooner or later become regulated by the people they are supposed to be regulating. Big government insulates companies from risk through market regulations and then guarantees them government contracts to keep them fat and happy.
June 17th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
And even if it’s not exactly the same thing, you’re missing the entire fucking point. My point was that Stewart uses political bias combined with the whole derision tactic to manipulate people. There was an earlier cracked article that explained how when you deride someone or something, it shuts down the analytical part of the human brain. We are compelled to deride whatever is already the subject of derision by somebody who we “trust” as an authority in even the tiniest way. You don’t need to make political arguments when you can just portray something as stupid and watch the choir sing to your tune. Glen Beck does it with New York and LA (which actually are kind of a joke in the same sense that you just called Bush inherently a joke; i agree by the way, he is a joke fyi) and Stewart does it with the word Republican or conservative. Both stewart and beck are populists riding their own careers into the sun. Simple as that.
June 17th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
# gino_j14 Says:
June 15th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
@ tkwelge
The thing about Jon Stewart’s ‘one-liners’ is that when referring to Dick Chaney, he always emphasizes DICK, hinting that he’s an ass and there is(/was) more often than not an animation of Dick in his wheelchair with the Imperial March theme playing. And as for Bush, he is a joke (there’s what you set yourself up for), the crowd doesn’t go ape-shit when they hear Bush’s name, they snicker, more as anticipation of a joke about him. Comparing that to “New York *wink wink*”, how is there an intended joke there?
Ok, You can pretend that you’re a righteous warrior and the other side is just evil. Go ahead.
June 17th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
BTW slippy, since when did name calling constitute a valid argument?
let me guess, you are an overweight slob with nothing better to do than slam other people making comments on this site?
fucks sake! i even read through your fucking 20-something paragraphs of hate and you didn’t even say a damn thing wothwhile.
people like you are a perfect example of blind faith in the media.
do us all a favor and drive your prius off a cliff
June 17th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
I love that the gov’t gets blasted for being inefficient, but not the private companies that screw over their employees and the market? The ONLY reason I agree with gov’t involvement is to stop corruption in the private sector. If the gov’t is inefficient, then the private sector is corrupt. Choose your poison.
Also, I love Swaimfan but slippytoads rant just earned him a wink
couldn’t agree with you more!
June 17th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Also, you seam to spit out some unproven (possibly incorrect) economic absolutes. Are you a left wing stooge? Lol You’re calling other people right wing stooges? Are you completely intellectually honest? WIll you agree that you believe in many things on faith (as all humans do, because none of us know everything, and don’t make that stupid “consensus” argument).
June 17th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
slippytoad
I agree with what you say about taxes and such. I’m a conservative libertarian, but I don’t really see the tax rate as being the problem. However, I do think that social security should be privatized, as a privatized system would create much more benefit at a lower cost. Simple as that. I don’t think that people are “losers” sucking at the government teet. I just think that the government is inefficient at accomplishing all sorts of goals. Don’t listen to the Glenn Beck/Bill O Reilly conservatives, they’re just a small segment.
June 17th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
an impartial look?
i’m no glenn beck fan but please…
i guess that is what passes for comedy around here.
and here i am thinking that comedy is more than just spouting venom.
you know, DOB, some of your stuff is actually moderately amusing but this article was pure crap pandering to political differences.
June 17th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
yeah, glen beck is a fucktard. Why does anyone give a rats ass about him. Yeah, Fox news sucks. But god damn you deep, thoughtful people who read books and watch the other news channels. Congratulations you are all lame assholes. I dont watch much news at all, but it is bullshit calling people who watch fox news uneducated or whatever the fuck else makes you feel better. I would be willing to bet most of the people who read these articles are uneducated. Cracked has plenty of good humor. But whenever people try and tie in politics they piss off half the readers, make the other half of the readers want to suck their dick, and look like an asshole all at the same time. So yes Jon you are in the category who would love a huge meatstick forced down your throat (as long as the owner talks shit about glenn beck). But what the fuck its the internet so i’ll submit to my anonymity and fuck off. I already feel like an douche for talking shit on the internet, thank god i don’t work for cracked. By the way Dan O’ Brian, I have looked back and there were some articles of yours I enjoyed. Thanks for fucking it up with this heaping pile of anti-whogivesafuck bullshit.
June 17th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Hey slippytoad, wanna go grab a few beers?
Can you get this one though, left my wallet in my other pair of liberty pants.
June 17th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Oh. My. Freaking. God. CavalierX demonstrates that he lives in a glass bubble high above the unwashed masses.
“Poor people don’t PAY income taxes; you can’t get a “break” from paying zero.”
When I made just about $30k a year, I remember noticing that I really brought home about $20k.
When I made $50k a year, I remember noticing that I really only brought home about $30k.
When I made $70k a year, I remember noticing that I really only brought home about $50k.
I make $100k a year now. Same percentage of my income goes to taxes as it always has. Well, less now that Obama has cut them for me.
You’re. Just. Fucking. Wrong. The tax burden all the way up has seemed to be about the same. I’m not making $250k a year, so I don’t know how those people do it, but I seem to recall that their tax burden is significantly less than mine. Plus, if you’re making $250k a year, I don’t need your complaints about jack shit.
“Health benefits come with almost any job, and anyone can get emergency treatment for free at any hospital.”
Time for some facts. A majority of Americans have health insurance, in the same sense that a majority of Americans approve of Obama’s performance. However, 80% of jobs is not “almost any” job, and the insurance we *do* have as full-time workers is tissue-thin. I pay $500 monthly for myself and my two children, and there is a 70-page booklet of shit my insurance doesn’t cover. If I ever get really sick, I’m screwed. And they have gaping holes in my “gold” coverage as well, which force me to pay absurd co-pay fees. I am buying *nothing* and paying double for it. Just one example: my glucometer test strips are “covered” in the sense that my insurer will pay $1.95 to my $65. That’s some fucking gold coverage right there. My primary means of ensuring my diabetes is controlled is effectively uninsured.
And, moron, if you wait for, for example your blood sugar or blood pressure to get so bad that you end up at the emergency room,
shit-for-brains, you’re going to maybe live to be 40 if that, dickhead. You can’t walk into the ER and ask for an insulin shot after
every meal, fucktard. You can’t walk into the ER every time you need a shot of Albuterol because you are having trouble breathing,
dumbass. The list goes on, you magnificently stupid asshole. The use of the ER for regular treatment of medical conditions is
a sign that the system is broken, you goddamn self-centered idiot.
“Social Security has been an empty hole for several decades — if you expect to get any, you’re deluding yourself (see “Ponzi
scheme”). It was never intended to replace your own retirement plan anyway.”
So what retirement plan were Americans supposed to use? The pensions that nearly all large American companies have - whoops! — apparently spent or lost while no one was looking? Or the ones that companies don’t even bother to offer anymore? Oh that’s right, I’m supposed to save for my retirement in my 401k that is DOING SO GODDAMN WELL IN THE STOCK MARKET.
Plus, Social Security will be just fine if, for example, the cap on taxable income is raised so that the wealthy, who control the lion’s share of our nation’s income, have to contribute to it as well. They earn the benefit just like anyone else, so they should contribute, like anyone else.
George W. Bush’s political career started to tank about the same time he started talking down Social Security and trying to sell us on investing it in the stock market. It appears that a majority of Americans are smarter than you.
“And no one is expected to live on minimum wage — it’s for part-timers and people just starting out. If you’re making minumum wage and you’re not in school or living with your parents, you’re doing something wrong.”
I eagerly await you telling that to millions of single parents across the nation. I can assume you haven’t been to a fast food drive-through recently to see the despair-laden spectacle of middle-aged men and women asking if I’d like fries with that. I don’t have charts and graphs, but the last time I saw a restaurant staffed by kids under 30, *I* was a kid under 30. That was a few years ago. Before George W. Bush. Also, please ask the employees at Wal-Mart, who comprise a full 1% of our nation’s workforce, if they’re doing something wrong. They might ask YOU where their locally-owned businesses went. Fucking idiot.
“Also, please note that when the government raises the minumum wage, employers cut employees to make up the shortfall.”
Also note that this “fact” has been utterly discredited and you are just a tool. I’m not even going to bother looking it up because you sure as Christless Fuck don’t have the facts at your command, you useless sputtering right-wing stooge.
June 17th, 2009 at 9:08 am
“CavalierX, you never answered my question.”
Sure I did. Socialism should be opposed wherever it pops up. That does not always mean some kind of invasion. Normally, I’d say that economic competition would serve in most cases where Socialism has not yet devolved into full-fledged dictatorship, where there is even a veneer of a free market. Unfortunately, we’re now headed to a period in which the free market is in serious jeopardy even in this country, if it’s not in its dying throes already. The current proposal which would allow the Federal government to simply take over any company the possible collapse of which some bureaucrats in Washington feel might impact the economy is the scariest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. If you own a business, and it’s doing well, someone might decide that it’s “too big to fail” and suddenly you’re taking orders from Tim “TurboTax” Geithner.
June 17th, 2009 at 7:47 am
CavalierX, you never answered my question.
June 17th, 2009 at 7:46 am
“CavalierX:
You…. you’re dumb.
You are a dumb person.
Everyone, don’t talk to him. He’s a dumbass. You’ll only hurt yourself
”
Wow, what an incredibly witty retort.
June 17th, 2009 at 7:42 am
“Glenn Beck only cares about freedom when it fits him, freedom to publish crap like his books? Sure, freedom for Alan Moore to publish the Lost Girls? I don’t think he would. Glenn Beck is actually alot like Micheal Moore, both he and Moore as you said DOB create a us vs them attitude and divide rather then unite.”
Have you ever actually read any of his books? If not, then you have no room to talk.
June 17th, 2009 at 7:41 am
“Allow me to explain, Butthole. You see, the reason there are so very many idiotic conservatives bitching in the comments section here is because, sadly, we don’t have eugenics. Although, after reading down the page, I can say with full conviction that if you can’t tell the difference between Stalin, Timothy Leery, and the Roosevelts, you should be sterilized.”
You are saying we should have Eugenics? Wow, talk about liberal tolerance.
June 17th, 2009 at 7:35 am
CavalierX:
You…. you’re dumb.
You are a dumb person.
Everyone, don’t talk to him. He’s a dumbass. You’ll only hurt yourself.
June 17th, 2009 at 6:28 am
“So CavalierX, you think America should overthrow socialism even when it’s given a mandate by a democratic election?”
Why do you think opposing Socialism always means military action? That’s a LAST resort. Tell you one thing, though — sanctions never work. Dictators just punish the people and tell them it’s our fault. That keeps the dictators in power with a convenient scapegoat for all the ills they themselves inflict on the people. You see, Socialism inevitably leads to dictatorship. Inevitably. When a Socialist government creates rules to ration services, health care, consumer goods and so on, people will naturally try to get around them. That’s human nature. So the government creates more and stricter rules, and imposes harsh penalties for breaking them… which people will be even MORE likely to do. The cycle leads to a police state in which the people are stripped of their rights in the name of the people. This is slowly happening all over Europe. We’re heading down the same path. And once we’re no longer around to oppose Socialism, Communism, Fascism and other forms of collective, destructive government, that’s the ball game, folks.
June 17th, 2009 at 5:18 am
“I know whole idea that the USSR was working hard to take over the world seems like something from the distant past to you, but to those of us who actually lived in the 70’s it was a very real threat. The US shoudl always oppose Marxism, Socialism, Fascism and Communism — different facets of Collectivism — wherever they appear.”
So CavalierX, you think America should overthrow socialism even when it’s given a mandate by a democratic election?
June 17th, 2009 at 4:06 am
“Yup. Every industrialized nation except the US lacks convictions. Yup.”
Are you speaking of Europe? (I love how Liberals are completely Euro-centric.) Because last I heard, China was about to become the top industrial nation on Earth, and they’re definitely Communists.
“Yup. Just like… Uh… Just like… You know, all those pedophiles that all those Liberals defend. Yup.”
Like… Phillip Distasio, for one? Yep.
“Yup. That’s how the poor majority end up with all the tax breaks. And health benefits. And social security. And a livable minimum wage. Yup.”
Oh, that’s a big chunk o’stupidity to address all at once. Poor people don’t PAY income taxes; you can’t get a “break” from paying zero. Health benefits come with almost any job, and anyone can get emergency treatment for free at any hospital. Social Security has been an empty hole for several decades — if you expect to get any, you’re deluding yourself (see “Ponzi scheme”). It was never intended to replace your own retirement plan anyway. And no one is expected to live on minimum wage — it’s for part-timers and people just starting out. If you’re making minumum wage and you’re not in school or living with your parents, you’re doing something wrong. Also, please note that when the government raises the minumum wage, employers cut employees to make up the shortfall. But I suppose you never thought of that, did you?
“it’s a frikkin’ inverse Laffer curve!”
The Laffer curve refers to tax revenue, and has nothing to do with intelligence (except, perhaps, for your lack of it). Thanks for proving you’re just throwing words out that you read someplace without a shred of understanding, to make you seem smarter than you are.
June 17th, 2009 at 3:11 am
“Carmudgeon Says:
Liberals hate the world as it is, and hate other people. ”
This humours me.
America scares the shit out of me. Both sides are so polarised, there seems to be no middle ground. The loonies on the fringe right scare me the most though.
It must be said, this level of disunity damages America’s perceived strength and influence.
Nice article, Glen Beck is the embarrassing skid-mark on the underpant of society. It surprises me that some defend this fear-mongering perry-winkle.
June 17th, 2009 at 12:48 am
I try to avoid these discussions because everyone is so damned sure of themselves nothing is ever truly “discussed”. It’s just different people shouting their sides mantra. I didn’t find the “article” very funny. Most political “humor” these days just seems to want applause not laughter. Even the Daily Show isn’t as funny as it is a rally of sorts. Listen to all the cheering versus the amount of actual laughs. All the better to be ignored as they would ignore my POV.
I love this quote someone threw in here:
Alexander Tytler is usually credited with the following quote, though I could not find it in any of his published works: “A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largesse from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most benefits from the public treasury with the result that a democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy, always followed by a dictatorship.”
June 17th, 2009 at 12:47 am
I shoulda typed with less rage. ps. TheEnemyBelow, that’s actually Otto Von Bismarck not Mark Twain.
June 17th, 2009 at 12:32 am
I would just like to say that all Americans are stupid.
That is all.
June 17th, 2009 at 12:15 am
what difference does it make? there isn’t any american political party that actually reduces any taxes or spending. there was one whose whole platform was “the taxes will stay the same” (the first bush). not even lower, just the same! AND HE LIED! those taxes went up before the first year of his term ended! and he was a republican! and the younger bush actually STARTED with a debt of five trillion, and he DOUBLED it!
June 16th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
Is there an official grammatical rule about multiple exclamation points?
I’m thinking that one is for Exclamation! two is for HolySHIT!! and three flips it to sarcasm, as in The moon turned green!!!
Taking this into account, TheEnemyBelow’s comment just a little down, quite funny.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
I love Cracked, even though I largely disagree with the writer’s political positions. There’s crap we can all make fun of (see the conservapedia).
There’s plenty of stuff to make fun of in Glenn Beck’s program, I’m sure. But typing “I hate you” over and over isn’t funny, it’s the realm of kossites and freepers, and I don’t read either as it’s stupid and boring. I’d be happy to read an actually funny review of Beck’s stuff, as I would the never-going-to-happen review of a lefty commentator. Until then, stick to the dick jokes.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
I only got about 10 comments in before my mind crapped out- Dudes you really need to introduce a user sign up for these comments to weed out the fools commenting 10 times under different user names.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
I want the 10 seconds I spent looking at this drivel back. Holy cow, are you fuc%ing lame.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
Describing Teddy Roosevelt as “the son of a bitch loved war more than food” got me laughing harder than just about anything I’ve ever read on Cracked. Awesome, DOB.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
(@the enemy below)
What you said in your comment three below me (I mean the one before you actually addressed the article in any way:) I’d really like to know where you are getting all of your information, in particular, the thing about Reagan having Alzheimer’s Disease when he was in office. While I can’t claim to have any information to the contrary (and judging by the Star Wars program I wouldn’t be surprised if he did) making a border line conspiracy theory statement like that should be backed up in some way. For someone who just made fun of Glenn Beck for promoting a retarded agenda and ignoring facts, you don’t seem to have a problem doing the same thing. TheEnemyBelow, I hereby welcome you to the Anne Coulter protege club
June 16th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
eric dude,
It’s easy to look up NeoCon on wikipedia, or if you want to here it from the message board on crack.com, Neoconservatism today refers mostly to the Bush presidency using military aggression to promote democracy around the world and how wonderful it has been for all of us.
Glenn Beck is less of a neocon than just a cult of personality or “Confidence Man” feedng hungerly off the fear of rascists, middle class people who think poverty is contagious, and uber conservatives who worship Reagan because they convinced themselves during childhood that daddy drank because the liberals made him so mad.
However, I really don’t mind taxing those hardworking executives that we have been hearing about in the news lately. And if you are FOR lowering their bonuses, thatt is government regulation as well as populist (considering how all the poor useless people can’t stop bitching about it).
“Poor people and lazy bums will always vote for the person that promises to steal money from someone that earned it. Just as major shareholders get more say in a corporation, the more you pay in taxes the more your vote should count. Or you should have to own land, or serve in the military, or pass a competency test…This is why our economy sucks right now.”
And Eric, when your mama’s family lost all their wealth (theoretically) during the first great depression, can you say that one day they had the right to vote and then the next not? Also, you do know that the film Starship Troopers was a parody of the book? Owning property, enlisting in the military, as a prerequisites for voting rights all come with a price on equality and balance. If the people who have no money are trying to vote for who will give them the best benefits (that could mean a lot of different things) and the people with the money are spending it on self-serving propaganda, lobbying, and/or running for office then it all even outs in the end…maybe…hey you, me, and the world ain’t perfect and your porsche doesn’t prove otherwise.
June 16th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
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June 16th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Simon Sez;
You Truly Hit The Nail On The Head!!!
Truth Be Known,BrokeBeck Is Just a NeoCon Version
Of Michael Moore!!!
Basically,A”Merry Prankster”Running Around Shouting”Hey!!Look At Me!!!I’m an Overrated Know It All With My Agenda!!
Who Cares About The Facts???!!!!”.
“People Who LOve Sausage and Obey The Law Should Never See Either Being Made.”-Mark Twain.
June 16th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
To the two characters who criticzed me:
(1)As far as my Military Service or lack of it goes,I did try to enlist back in ‘83.
I passed the written test,but I couldn’t pass the physical because I’m Asthmatic and Grossly Uncoordinated-I Couldn’t Duckwalk.
(2)To Eric;You missed my point!!I’m neither Liberal or Conservative as theyr’e really the same side of a two headed coin!!
I’m just a stubborn old Scots-Irish Son Of A Bitch and I’m glad proud of it!!!
I’m the Great Great Grandson of Two Confederates and the Grandson of a Moonshiner!!!
Surprisingly,you might find that I agree with you about Personal Liberties.
I’m also opposed to Gun Control.
On the other hand,”State’s Rights”translates into”Keep The Browns and Blacks In Their Place!!”.
I’m for Freedom Of and From Religion.
Which is why my Scots-Irish Ancestors came to America-
So we could be Baptists;Methodists and Presbyterians
and not worry about His/Her Majesty’s Troops arresting us!!!
Also,let’s take a look at a few facts about the whole Middle East Mess shall we??
We conviently forget how right up until the Invasion of Kuwait in August 1990,Saddam Hussein was our”Ally”in everything but name only,then suddenly it was”SOUND THE GENERAL ALARM!!!”.
And I know this might hurt your tender ears,but somebody’s gotta
tell ya this,so leave this site now or suffer the consequences!!!
Okay.Back during the Presidency of”Saint”Reagan,under the aegis of”The Gipper”,The Colonel,Ollie North sold Guns and”Spare Parts”to both Iraq and Iran in a”Weapons For Hostages”Swap!!!
And it was a Texas Democrat Charlie Wilson who came up with the idea to supply weapons to the Muhajedeen in Afghanistan,
not the Gipper!!!
And as far as The Gipper goes,the man suffered from Alzeheimer’s
long before his Presidency!!!
As much as he liked to claim that he was with a Film Crew that documented the Liberation of Nazi Concentration Camps,truth be known,he Never Served Overseas in WWII!!!
John Ford and George Stevens went overseas with Film Crews in WWII and filmed the Concentration Camp Liberations,not Reagan!!!
He stayed home and made Training Films,that’s all!!!
Now Bush the Elder served in combat in the Pacific in WWIII!!
He flew Avenger Torpedo Bombers off Escort Cariers and was shot down twice!!!
Anyway,I could go on and on,but I’ve got other sites to look at,
so in closing,remember:”When The Legend Becomes Truth,Print The Legend.”-John Ford.Famous Director.
June 16th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Glenn Beck only cares about freedom when it fits him, freedom to publish crap like his books? Sure, freedom for Alan Moore to publish the Lost Girls? I don’t think he would. Glenn Beck is actually alot like Micheal Moore, both he and Moore as you said DOB create a us vs them attitude and divide rather then unite.
Funny thing about Theodore Roosevelt and the progressives is that in many ways the early progressives that Mr Beck seems to heap so much scorn on were a conservative movement that sought reform to ward off the socialists and anarchist groups calling for open revolution.
Of course an ideologue like Beck wouldn’t tell that.
Hailey your choice of words are uneeded
Eric a Neocon is a neo conservative the term refers to the neoconservative movement which believes in spreading market liberal democracies to every nation on earth. Now many who are still members of it (like beck who still wants to go after iran and such,) have claimned they are no longer part attacking the members of the movement who support limited forms of the welfare state.
Started with Reagan and his support of the contras. Not saying Ortega was that great a leader just that he was fairly elected and maybe we should have waited until an actually popular insurgency rose up before we started sending arms.
June 16th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Allow me to explain, Butthole. You see, the reason there are so very many idiotic conservatives bitching in the comments section here is because, sadly, we don’t have eugenics. Although, after reading down the page, I can say with full conviction that if you can’t tell the difference between Stalin, Timothy Leery, and the Roosevelts, you should be sterilized.
June 16th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
“Socialist are just Communists who lack the courage of their convictions.”
Yup. Every industrialized nation except the US lacks convictions. Yup.
“The funny thing is that if he WERE a pedophile, the Liberals would be falling all over themselves to defend him against criticism for his “lifestyle choice.””
Yup. Just like… Uh… Just like… You know, all those pedophiles that all those Liberals defend. Yup.
“Alexander Tytler is usually credited with the following quote, [etc.]”
Yup. That’s how the poor majority end up with all the tax breaks. And health benefits. And social security. And a livable minimum wage. Yup.
Odd to say, but I actually miss William Safire. Are there any intelligent conservatives left out there? If so, do any of them notice that the supposed “public voice of conservatism” is getting more and more idiotic as time has progressed? From Buckley and O’Rourke to Limbaugh, Coulter and Beck. That’s not just a downward trend in IQ, it’s a frikkin’ inverse Laffer curve!
June 16th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Hmm…Who did you vote for? This wasn’t predictable at all.
June 16th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Glenn Beck is like… King Tardass.
June 16th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
“We are a REPUBLIC! People living free under the rule of law (the constitution).”
Um, that’s not the definition of a republic.
June 16th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
…and it’s “visitorQ” for the win!!
June 16th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
I’m a moderate. I occasionally watch Fox News. But I suffer from seizures and internal bleeding when Glenn Beck is on the screen.
I think hate for this shit stain should be enjoyed by all people, whether they be left or right.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
I love the fishes because they’re so delicious
June 16th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Well, this comments section definitely proved DOB right.
Holy shit, some of you are retarded. Or insane. Or both.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
“You mean like Franklin Delaono Roosevelt?”
I guess there are no take-backs on lobotomies….ugh.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
“And a NeoCon is (paraphrasing) someone who believes that democracy should be exported, either through harsh sanctions and/or at the point of a gun.”
You mean like Franklin Delaono Roosevelt?
June 16th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
To the Conservative Comedy Critics :
How’s that 1/2 Hour NewsHour going these days?
And a NeoCon is (paraphrasing) someone who believes that democracy should be exported, either through harsh sanctions and/or at the point of a gun.
They have no religious mumbo-jumbo affiliation.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
I thought Thomas Jefferson said that…either way, its the truth.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
I think CavalierX just dropped some mother fucking knowledge son…Damn!
June 16th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
“Please. Someone tell me what the fuck a neocon is!!!! Its just some liberal made up shit. ”
I thought everyone knew it means “a Jew who’s Conservative.”
“Poor people and lazy bums will always vote for the person that promises to steal money from someone that earned it.”
Alexander Tytler is usually credited with the following quote, though I could not find it in any of his published works: “A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largesse from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most benefits from the public treasury with the result that a democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy, always followed by a dictatorship.”
June 16th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
“I don’t understand what his looks have to do with anything, but even if he does look like “Boy George”, that makes him a pedophile also?”
The funny thing is that if he WERE a pedophile, the Liberals would be falling all over themselves to defend him against criticism for his “lifestyle choice.” But since he’s not — and is a Conservative to boot — the word becomes a pejorative. And then they turn right around, showing no signs of recognising their own hypocrisy, and demand that kids who use “that’s gay” as an insult be expelled from school.
June 16th, 2009 at 11:57 am
TheTruth?
If you have to tell me what you are (over and over), you’re prolly not!
So mavericky!
Beck’s laughing all the way to the bank….unfortunately. Great report though!
Did the show-goers receive a complementary dog collar?
June 16th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Please. Someone tell me what the fuck a neocon is!!!! Its just some liberal made up shit. Also, for all of you mouth breathers out there, we are not a democracy. We are a REPUBLIC! People living free under the rule of law (the constitution). We clearly need to start having requirements to vote. It scares me that retards like you can vote (though there is no right to do so in a fed election–google it, gore v bush). Poor people and lazy bums will always vote for the person that promises to steal money from someone that earned it. Just as major shareholders get more say in a corporation, the more you pay in taxes the more your vote should count. Or you should have to own land, or serve in the military, or pass a competency test…This is why our economy sucks right now. No govt in the history of the world has been able to spend there way out of crisis. Its a power grab. Anyway, enough rambling with you morons (very few exceptions though)…
And as for Pattylove, yeah im sure ill be suprised what I end up with…fucking herpes from your “hot modelss”
June 16th, 2009 at 11:45 am
First, Dan, what do you have against tittties?
Second, why the hard-on for Teddy Roosevelt, the great mastermind behind the welfare programs that are currently serving as father-figures for the inner-city youth? Lot’s of leaders are effective without giving away other people’s money.
Third, it seems as if you had a bias walking into the show, I know you don’t hold yourself out as a “journalist,” but what about a little impartiality? Is there any harm in hearing someone out, I think I read something about a First Amendment right, or something. I have to listen when asshats like you bitch about the military, in which I proudly served, when you D-bags owe your right to say such boneheaded things to guys and gals like me.
Fourth, your titty drawing was out of proportion. Nobody wants to see lopsided cartoon titties, please try harder next time.
June 16th, 2009 at 11:29 am
WHY IN THE NAME OF STUPID NON-EXISTING CHILDRAPING JESUS ARE THERE SO MANY FUCKING CONSERVATIVES BITCHING ON THIS SITE? EVERY GODDAMN TIME SOMEBODY ON CRACKED MAKES FUN OF GLENN BECK (see HBN’s “preview of Glenn Beck’s comedy tour”) The GLENN BECK FAN CLUB INVADES THE SITE. GO BECK TO BED, YOU MORMON FUCKBAGS!
June 16th, 2009 at 11:08 am
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June 16th, 2009 at 10:19 am
“Glenn Beck is the biggest cocksucker who ever lived. Even bigger than that guy who sucked all those cocks. You know.. Bill O’Reilly?”
Why don’t you actually make educated comments please?
“Anyways.. the funny thing about Glenn Beck (and all neoconservatives for that matter..) is that they have no evidence whatsover to support their paranoid delusions (their ‘ideology’ if you will) and will stoop to any and all manner of deceit and dishonestly to convince the average slack-jawed American that Muslims and Communists (and Muslim Communists, except for ‘good’ Muslim Communists like U.S. ally Islam Karimov of Uzbekistan who boils his political opponents alive) are out to destroy America and it’s obvious status as a Christian Republic poisons by illegal immigrants (most of whom are Christian) and Muslims (from anywhere, it doesn’t matter..) and of course the Proust-reading, champagne bathing Liberal elite Mafia (who are apparently composed of Muslim illegal immigrants)”
I’m confused to what you’re even talking about. The fact that you’re referring to Americans as “slack-jawed” just shows your liberal elitism. Your comments are making little sense.
“Oh, and also, that above all else, even if it means the wholesale destruction of the U.S. with all them glorious ‘freedom titties’, ISRAEL AND THE JEWISH PEOPLE MUST BE PROTECTED. Glenn Beck encourages Americans to sell their children into indentured service the Jewish people, so they have the privilige of being ‘hewers of wood, and fetchers of water’.”
I don’t understand what this means. Please start making sense before you start criticizing people or their political beliefs.
“Also, Glenn Beck looks like a cross between Boy George, a mouse, and a convicted, repeat pedophile.”
I don’t understand what his looks have to do with anything, but even if he does look like “Boy George”, that makes him a pedophile also?
June 16th, 2009 at 10:09 am
I usually like cracked.com for obvious reasons (i.e. it’s awesome), but I personally like Glenn Beck. I think he makes a lot of sense and I think Obama is a disaster, to put it mildly. I don’t think there’s any reason to think he’s into “rape”.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Unfortunately my aging father has gotten on this “Glen Beck” bandwagon so I have had to watch it and it infuriates me… well, almost as much as I am infuriated by all you douche bags that are standing up to defend this self-righteous zealot. All Beck does is bitch and complain and and try to stir up hatred without actually providing any solutions. He feeds off of half-truths, stereotypes and misconceptions and lines his pockets with the money of the people that fall for his “passionate” caring for America. Give me a break, the only difference between this zealot and the one that runs into a crowded market with a bomb strapped to his chest is you have to replace the bomb with a television camera. Thank you DOB for pointing out how totally ludicrous and truly sad this bastard is.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:51 am
“Pinochet was responisble for the torture, disappearance and murder of thousands. If that doesn’t count as bloodthirsty to you, shit, I don’t know what to say.”
As you Liberals like to say, in what court was he proved guilty of these charges?
June 16th, 2009 at 9:48 am
“Allende was a socialist, not a communist.”
Socialist are just Communists who lack the courage of their convictions.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:47 am
“And even if that were the case, don’t you think that’d sort of be Chile’s problem and not ours?”
Oh, I’m just explaining the circumstances a little better than your “the CIA overthrew a democracy!” statement did. The US was quite a bit more inteventionist in those days, seeing as we were playing a world chess game against the aggressively expanding Soviet Union (remember them?) which probably had a hand in Allende’s win and would have parlayed it into a takeover of half of South America.
“We believe in Democracy, but only when you elect people we like!”
“Like” has nothing to do with it. I know whole idea that the USSR was working hard to take over the world seems like something from the distant past to you, but to those of us who actually lived in the 70’s it was a very real threat. The US shoudl always oppose Marxism, Socialism, Fascism and Communism — different facets of Collectivism — wherever they appear. Sadly, the fact that we now have a Collectivist government of our own means we’ll have to oppose it here at the ballot box before we can oppose it elsewhere… assuming that we can make sure the votes are counted accurately.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Glenn Beck is the biggest cocksucker who ever lived. Even bigger than that guy who sucked all those cocks. You know.. Bill O’Reilly?
Anyways.. the funny thing about Glenn Beck (and all neoconservatives for that matter..) is that they have no evidence whatsover to support their paranoid delusions (their ‘ideology’ if you will) and will stoop to any and all manner of deceit and dishonestly to convince the average slack-jawed American that Muslims and Communists (and Muslim Communists, except for ‘good’ Muslim Communists like U.S. ally Islam Karimov of Uzbekistan who boils his political opponents alive) are out to destroy America and it’s obvious status as a Christian Republic poisons by illegal immigrants (most of whom are Christian) and Muslims (from anywhere, it doesn’t matter..) and of course the Proust-reading, champagne bathing Liberal elite Mafia (who are apparently composed of Muslim illegal immigrants)
Oh, and also, that above all else, even if it means the wholesale destruction of the U.S. with all them glorious ‘freedom titties’, ISRAEL AND THE JEWISH PEOPLE MUST BE PROTECTED. Glenn Beck encourages Americans to sell their children into indentured service the Jewish people, so they have the privilige of being ‘hewers of wood, and fetchers of water’.
Also, Glenn Beck looks like a cross between Boy George, a mouse, and a convicted, repeat pedophile.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:24 am
“Allende was a Marxist who nationalised Chile’s economy, sending the country into ruin”
And even if that were the case, don’t you think that’d sort of be Chile’s problem and not ours? I love this isolationism-only-applies-sometimes wing of the conservative movement. We believe in Democracy, but only when you elect people we like! Otherwise, we’ll destroy your economy and send the CIA in to topple your government (and then bugger off before a new functioning government is established).
June 16th, 2009 at 9:13 am
“Allende was a Marxist who nationalised Chile’s economy, sending the country into ruin — much the same thing Chavez is doing in Venezuela now. There’s a big difference between “not agreeing with his politics” and “moving to prevent a democracy from being taken over by Communism.” Only Leftists consider Pinochet “bloodthirsty,” but we all know they prefer Communism over democracy any day.”
Allende was a socialist, not a communist. He also happened to be democratically elected. The US government did as much if not more damage to Chile’s economy than Allende could (flooding copper market, dropping prices, paying truckers not to deliver food to the cities etc.).
Pinochet was responisble for the torture, disappearance and murder of thousands. If that doesn’t count as bloodthirsty to you, shit, I don’t know what to say.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:07 am
LolIndignantConservatives.
Lovely article.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:52 am
I think it’s retarded that all of these political arguements are starting, but honestly, what do you expect? In internet comedy, whenever somebody mentions or makes fun of somebody who calls themselves important people in politics or has a strong political view, everybody explodes. Dan O’Brien probably knew this was going to happen, and I knew it was going to happen the moment I saw a picture of Glenn Beck on the front page.
These arguements are empty, no side is being swayed by everybody saying “What are you talking about, it went like this!” Though, I don’t expect that anybody was hoping to sway any opinions, they just want to feel like somebody cares what they’re thinking.
Seriously guys, this is the internet, nobody cares what you are thinking and you aren’t changing anybody’s minds.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:39 am
“So yes, the US did in fact topple a democratically (it is still democratic, even when you don’t agree with the politics of the person who won the election) elected government and replaced him with a bloodthirsty dictator.”
Allende was a Marxist who nationalised Chile’s economy, sending the country into ruin — much the same thing Chavez is doing in Venezuela now. There’s a big difference between “not agreeing with his politics” and “moving to prevent a democracy from being taken over by Communism.” Only Leftists consider Pinochet “bloodthirsty,” but we all know they prefer Communism over democracy any day.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:35 am
How on Earth can people be upset about this article?
I’m about as apolitical as people get, but I can still easily spot the ‘liberal-haters’ in the comments reacting about fifty-gazillion times worse than anything written in the article.
Notice the beam in your own eye and all of that. There’s a good deal of difference between calling out a windbag and and going on an extensive tirade about ‘liberal dick sucking’ and ‘freedom hating bigot douche bag dick holes’.
If those are your counter-arguments then you’re just proving him right; the comments have done far more to make me question Becks’ fans than the actual article.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:34 am
I didn’t find this one all that funny. Maybe because I was surrprised how much demonizing of Glenn Becck there is.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:23 am
@ htownballer156:
Chile, under Allende was a democracy. The military dictatorship that you are speaking of was Pinochet, who was supported by the US and installed by the CIA. The diplomat you speak of being assassinated in Washington was a friend of Allende’s and killed by agents working for the DINA, Pinochet’s secret police.
So yes, the US did in fact topple a democratically (it is still democratic, even when you don’t agree with the politics of the person who won the election) elected government and replaced him with a bloodthirsty dictator.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:19 am
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June 16th, 2009 at 7:13 am
“We need the federal gov’t, whether you like it or not”
But not for EVERYTHING. I don’t need the Federal government controlling what kinds of cars or houses or medicine I’m allowed to have. I don’t need the Federal government telling me what kind of loan I can get, or what the interest rate will be. I don’t need the Federal government deciding how much I should be paid for my job.
The question is, why do you?
June 16th, 2009 at 7:12 am
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June 16th, 2009 at 7:11 am
[...] in Iran because of what looks to be a monstrous abuse of imaginary power, but here we are, and right-wingers are still comparing the Obama presidency to fascism. That is a breed of childish, unhinged selfishness that can only from a rich, white American with [...]
June 16th, 2009 at 7:11 am
“The moment you say “commie” is the exact moment when your credibility goes out the window.
The Cold War is over. Stop living in the past.”
You are aware, aren’t you, that North Korea, China, Cuba and many other countries are in fact run by Communist governments? Seriously, you didn’t know that?
June 16th, 2009 at 7:08 am
Nice to see an unbiased review of Glenn Beck’s show. Of course, I had to go to another web site for that.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:01 am
@eric
PROTIP: The moment you say “commie” is the exact moment when your credibility goes out the window.
The Cold War is over. Stop living in the past.
We need the federal gov’t, whether you like it or not. Just as much as we need state and local gov’t.
Neocons are retarded: this are fact.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:58 am
PROTIP: Conservatives aren’t funny.
When your main demographic is white bread, midwestern, bible thumping old people, you have a problem.
Everyone knows the money demographic is 15-34 year olds. If you can get that demographic, you have the world in your hands.
Now, all you conservatards out there, listen to Glenn Beck’s own words: “We should teach rape in school”. How is that even funny, let alone, relevant? I’ve never even heard of this guy and he sounds about as funny as rape.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:51 am
At the Enemy Below…
This is a typical liberal response. I hear this all of the time. What the fuck is a NeoCon? If by neocon you mean someone that wants the fed govt out of our lives, believes in states rights, and INDIVIDUAL liberty…then yeah, thats what I am. Its the same ole uninformed liberal response–neocon this neocon that, simply to make yourself sound educated. Youre a moron. Plain and simple. I love how you call me gay. I thought this was a sensitive issue for you commie liberals. I have no prob with gays. Just douche bags like you. So what if I was gay? Im not, but it seems lately that being gay is a goddamn virtue anyway, so what the hell…And sit with the cool kids? What the fuck are you talking about asshole? I have found that its usually clueless dicksucks such as yourself that refer to being cool. Wow. Talk about homo. Again, you sir are a freedom hating bigot douche bag dick hole.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:16 am
Speaking of jokeless jokes…
June 16th, 2009 at 6:16 am
I’m a Glenn Beck fan, but this was funny. He’s over the top and stupid sometimes, however I think his heart is in the right place. I’m Hispanic myself, but I like his immigration stance. He basically feels like “illegal immigrant” is just another word for “slave”. It’s true too. We can’t afford the exodus from Mexico (at least, we have better stuff to spend the money on), so why act like it’s cool or welcomed? Especially when we’ve not even begun to address the abuse these people endure once they’re here. I think that situation also speaks to his stance on liberalism. There’s alot of good there, but too many people twist it to be token talk/gestures. The dude just wants some action to restore America’s integrity, not bullshit words(he’s ripped Republican senators a new asshole plenty of times, live on air, for being cowards instead of standing up to Bush when they could have. Also, speaking of token stuff, he thinks Obama was voted in by many people due to his race. Again, you might see it as racist, but I think he’s just tired of people doing things because they’re in fashion, without regard for their impact.)
And yeah DOB, you’re not his demographic at all. It’s a little bit unfair to call a show unfunny when you should have known going in there would have been very few dick jokes, if any. It’s like watching The View and raging on it’s lameness.
ALSO….Beck is conservative, not necessarily Republican (though, we all known where his leanings are.) I just wanted to mention that, because if you can divorce the bullshit of one from the other, Beck comes across as a patriot in a world where he feels patriotism is under attack, rather than some scared white guy.
<3 DOB and Glenn Beck
June 16th, 2009 at 6:07 am
I quite enjoyed this.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:01 am
This was so poorly written. It is just a hate filled piece of bile written by another liberal comedian. If you believe that Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh talk for all conservatives then you are a misguided lot. I could say that Keith Olberman, Rachel Maddow and Chris Matthews speak for all liberals. These pundits are no ssmarter than the rest of us, the just have a forum to shout their words from. Read about what is going on and decide for yourself. Don’t let other people tell you what to believe.
You may hate Glenn Beck, but don’t hate him just because Dan O’brien told you to. Think for yourself. Besides, aren’t you ashamed of the vile and hatred that is being spewed forth in these comments from both sides. Liberal hate conservatives and conservatives hate liberals. I get it. Life is too short to let hatred guide it.
One last thing to The Enemy Below. Your family is very impressive with their military service but I seemed to have missed the part where you served. I can list many in my family that have served and are currently serving. Including me. It doesn’t make you patriotic just becaause you serve in the military. Patriotism is a person who loves, supports, and defends his or her country and its interests with devotion.
Stop the hatred. Stop the lies. Stop the madness.
June 16th, 2009 at 5:32 am
Dan, what is wrong with you lately?
I miss the quality of work we saw in “Unknown Blogger Challenges Google to Death Race”.
June 16th, 2009 at 4:34 am
You know, I can’t stand Glenn Beck, but reading this article was just as painful as listening to Beck could ever be.
Talking about how not funny something is isn’t in itself always funny. Sometimes, it’s just not funny too, especially when it’s so poorly written.
There was no irony here. There was no satire. This was just an awful, awful…just a dreadful article. I feel cheated in life at having experienced this. I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from clicking on this link.
How on Earth did this jokeless vitriol make it onto such a fine website?
I gave this article a chance, because these Jewish gentlemen posted it to the main page; they usually have good taste. This article has shaken my faith in the Jewish people.
June 16th, 2009 at 4:17 am
Do you think anyone will have the guts to shoot Glenn Beck on his “comedy” tour (I use the word comedy as loosely as possible)? I’d oblige, but I refuse to give him money.
June 16th, 2009 at 4:14 am
It was way funnier the second time I read it. I think that is because I got more of a sense of what he was getting at: this article isn’t supposed to be unbiased like I was expecting at first [I didn't read the title: just saw Glen Beck and DOB's names and clicked]. The second time through I knew it was terribly biased and I think that is the point: he is giving glen beck some of his own medicine. Anyway, It was really funny and anyone who hates it should at least try to read it again.
June 16th, 2009 at 4:05 am
Jorn the Younger
I read it and I thought it was great. Kudos.
June 16th, 2009 at 4:04 am
“Meanwhile, the actual republicans in office are doing whatever the hell they want while nobody pays that much attention”
Not like I’m a huge fan of EITHER party, but …THE HELL? What exactly is anyone getting away with.
And I understand that it’s the only play you really got, but why must it be that anyone who disagrees with President Obama’s policies is a racist? I mean….really???
June 16th, 2009 at 3:59 am
wait, it wasn’t 9) it was 8 )
Still, that’s messed up man!
June 16th, 2009 at 3:58 am
how did 9 ) turn into a smiley face with sunglasses? What the hell?
Also, wow, that’s so long I don’t think I’d read it
June 16th, 2009 at 3:57 am
1) Very funny dob - a great deal more clever than I was expecting, and definetely more clever than a bunch of the commenters realized.
2) The comments section was somewhat entertaining- I made it almost 2/3rds of the way through before giving up
3) I really hope that people realize the actual role of Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, and their ilk; they yell as loud as they can about things, drawing as much attention as possible to certain topics. Meanwhile, the actual republicans in office are doing whatever the hell they want while nobody pays that much attention
4) Remember people, the US isn’t a democracy, even though people often say it is. It’s a republic; a representative democracy. It’s right there in the Pledge of Allegiance: “to the republic for which it stands”
4b) Speaking of the Pledge of Allegiance, I always had some difficulty with that- Why am I supposed to pledge allegiance to a piece of fabric? I understand the pledge to the republic, but to the flag? that’s just silly. Also, the fact that we were to recite it every day in school. Every single day. If I’ve pledged my allegiance anywhere, my allegiance is there. It doesn’t expire every 24 hours. It doesn’t need to be renewed.
5) As has been alluded to in the comments, the Constitution is a living document- not only does it include the means for updating it (Amendments) but it also contains the capacity for complete replacement. Constitutional Convention anyone?
6) Holy crap, I’m making a numbered list as a comment on a Cracked article. What’s wrong with me?
7) I really miss the American Dream. the Dream was never to be a nation of consumers, but that’s what we’ve become, and that’s what the Dream has become. People don’t dream about contributing to the betterment of humanity, they dream about being able to afford the fancy expensive things they’ve been trained to believe will make their lives better.
Gay Marriage: If you don’t like it, don’t attend the services. A commitment between two people doesn’t have to be recognized by your God to be recognized by the State (remember that separation of church and state thing?)
Guns: Buy all you want. Shoot someone and there will be a full and proper investigation. Self defense, you’re fine. Crime, you’re punished
Taxes: Should be paid mostly to the state. Should also be as high as neccessary to ensure that anyone can be treated at no out of pocket cost for any medical condition- anyone can go to any school and take any class, earn any degree.
Drugs: You have the right to intake anything you want into your own body, and anyone who wants to sell you things to put in it is free to do so. That said, get whacked out of your head and hurt somebody, you face the consequences. Run over a little kid with your car because you’re not paying attention? Jail. Because you’re drunk? Jail. Because you’re stoned? Jail. Because you’re on cocaine, or ecstasy or Valium or whatever? Jail.
Campaign Finance: Anyone, individual or company, should be allowed to donate as much as they want to any candidate they want. There should also be a public record of all donations received by every candidate, accessible to every citizen (see the Virginia Public Access Project for an example)
In summation, Freedom of Speech, Freedom of Faith, Freedom of the Press, Freedom to Assemble, Freedom to Be Left The Hell Alone, and most importantly, Freedom to make ones own life choices.
9) Anyone remember Reboot? That was a pretty cool show.
June 16th, 2009 at 3:56 am
Dan, you probably should have done this piece fairly straight like the Jenny McCarthy post. I’d actually like to see that even after this one.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:37 am
If I were a snake, I would eat mike…
June 16th, 2009 at 1:11 am
“Not because it wasn’t funny (it wasn’t), but because there just didn’t seem to be any jokes.”
Sounds like he has a future at Cracked, if this piece is any indication.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:00 am
While reading this (great) article, I pictured DOB like some kind of Ali-G in the middle of the audience , almost screaming “I’ts because I’m black??”
June 16th, 2009 at 12:47 am
OF COURSE Glenn Beck fails as a comedian. Just like Jon Stewart and Bill Maher fail as comedians. They all just go “LOLOLOL look what the other party did! They’re so STUPID!” And their studio audience of trained seals goes “LOOOOL that’s so funny!”
This article was a disappointment, and that’s coming from a former DOB fanboy. It’s just the typical liberal whining. “I don’t like this guy! He’s a RACIST!” Honestly, DOB, how did you get from “our founding fathers were just like us” to “I don’t like it that a black man is president!” To call that a stretch would be an overstatement.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:19 am
You rock DOB, take it to them who only help those who have the means to help themselves, fight the power, OBAMA 4life
June 16th, 2009 at 12:09 am
DOB you are my hero, always have been.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
brilliant article DOB. i laughed, pardon i lol’ed a lot at the titty-roosevelt part.
is there a dvd available of that mormon george carlin?
June 15th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
Damn.
But really how many of these posts are by the exact same douchebags with new stupid fake names? Where is Lex Friedman when you need him.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
DOB, I could have saved you the $20 and told you before hand that this show was nothing more than a thinly veiled KKK meeting. Everyone knows that.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
Frick..you hit a nerve! Yeah, Beck is outspoken, but who really cares? He’s gross. Women find him disgusting. Ick. Who really cares what he says? He has an act. Anyone with half a mind wouldn’t take him as anything other than a guy who is trying to promote a book, right?
This guy is a two-bit wanna-be trying to stir up emotion. Not that it matters, but I saw him on 60 Minutes. He SO wants fame. Great. So, just so he achieved some sort of fame, should we listen? I hate the fact people will listen. They are. They see him.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
That was hilarious as always DOB.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
well i haven’t heard much about glenn beck but this whole article seems super biased against him and whatever the fuck he did. i dont’ watch the news or pay attention to it too much because everything i usually see on the news just depresses me to the point of no return so i just turn it off. but it was a well written article regardless of the one-sidedness that it does have
P.S. i am aware sidedness is probably not a word
June 15th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Dan. I love you. I hate Glen Beck. I had the dishonor of standing outside a theater when his “comedy” ended, and was swept up in a tide of wrinkled whites, all cursing Democrats and praising Palin. I shit thee not. I was terrified. I can’t imagine being in a closed space with so many convalescents. You’re a brave man.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Dan o_o. I am disappoint. -_-
June 15th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
Thats a lot of comments. DOB, sorry your mind had to be r@ped by Glenn’s ideas like that; I know you didn’t want him to; it’s not your fault. Its not your fault.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Seriously? What is with all these negative comments? I thought it was a very good article and didn’t seem offensive in the slightest.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Perfect, Glenn Beck needs to fuck off, if you’re not a conservative asshat watch Fox News at 5p.m. and you will laugh your asshole off at this write up
June 15th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Boring. …….At least Glenn Beck’s show is entertaining. If you are trying to critique someone who doesn’t share your political views at least try to be witty.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
June 15th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
eric says “our constitution is being torn to shreads by His Majesty Obama”.
lolwut?
June 15th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
Is this supposed to be funny?
June 15th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
DOB? Your my favorite why did you have to write an unfunny article. I am not a republican, nor do i watch fox news, i dont even know who glen beck is? but this just wasnt funny. try bieng more idk funny next time, pick a topic everyone can laugh, that is kinda your job
June 15th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
Holy shit, I had no idea that so many “conservatives” read this site. Don’t they belong over at CollegeHumor or Coed, checkin’ out the Tittayz of da Week or something? I guess we really hit the frat community with this one.
DOB, hilarious. And honestly, mad kudos to you for putting yourself through this kind of torture. Limbaugh and O’Reilly and Hannity I can ignore because they’re just windbags yelling louder than the next, but Beck really fucking scares me because I think he actually believes what he’s saying in his heart of hearts, not just going for ratings. He cries ALL THE TIME. Fox News would have a goddamn field day if Rachel Maddow just wept for a half hour. Gotta love it.
I like seeing the politics come out here, especially when it’s hilarious. It’s nice to see something funny and purposeful. George Carlin would be proud.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
It’s hard to be a Libertarian trapped in a Socialist dictatorship (Ecuador), looking up to the United States for a true example of democracy and freedom… and find out there are people up there who actually hate their freedom and democracy, and dream of living like we do: miserably, enslaved by the fuckin’ government. And of course, they love Obama, the big liberticide, and call everyone who disagrees a racist.
This was the last time I read you, DOB.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Ever get the feeling DOB is just sitting at home laughing it up, knowing that an inconsequential comedy post has incurred the wrath of the right wing? Honestly, if the Republicans had put as much feeling and effort into the last election as they have this message board, they would have won in a landslide.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
Great piece, loved it. I spend more time on Cracked than I do with my girlfriend, which probably speaks volumes about me. But I have one gripe…
The “hand written note” GFX were clearly drawn with a mouse. Are paper, pen and scanners really too much of a hassle? Going “analog” here woulda lent a lot more credibility to the notion that we were reading your real notes from the show, and not just a recollection of what you might have written, if only pens and paper weren’t so darn low tech… I realize you probably took the real notes on your iPhone, which is cool ‘n all, but I dunno… I just wanted to suspend disbelief a bit more here. Woulda helped my already-fervent dislike for G Beck just that much stronger, with the visual of you jotting down hilarious notes amid a bunch of Redneck Christian Republi-Wanks.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
Ah my post might be a bit confusing. I’m not the author of this piece; I’m just a reader who is eager to see both ends of the spectrum. Instead of ranting stupidly I would love it if the conservatives of this forum would write coherent articles from their point of view. With supporting citations where appropriate, of course. (Yes, you can use conservapedia if you want. Or Rush Limbaugh. Or Glenn Beck. I don’t live in the U.S. so I want to see if the liberals are just as insane as Glenn Beck).
June 15th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
i waited days for this…. not worth it… sorry
June 15th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Great article. Also there are some very intelligent posts below, floating in torrents of hate and stupidity. Let me explain:
If you want a conservative article on cracked.com, then write and submit it. I’m not saying it’ll be chosen (it needs to make people laugh hint hint) but if a ton of you do so there’s a good chance that at least one will make it. Liberals seem to have a monopoly on intelligence and creativity; do your best to prove me wrong.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Yeah, you’re about as impartial as a KKK member attending an NAACP rally.
As you mentioned, you’re from the Left, so you wouldn’t understand, despite your pretensions of “open mindedness.”
June 15th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
What’s wrong with titties? I thought they did rule the world? And anyways, the U.S. will eventually become a facist state because it is more convienent.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Hey, Mob: Great job on wishing for the death of millions of innocents. Kill yourself.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Honestly, it’s shit like this that makes every other country on Earth think you guys (See: Americans) are bat-shit-titty-fucking insane. All of your rich white guys (One of whom I’m sure Glen Beck would be) aren’t just satisfied with shitting on the little guy in your own country: You just HAVE to fuck with everyone else too. The sheer fact these kinds of guys continue to suck down air is appalling. DOB can do stuff to me anytime BTW. Even the weird shit.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
So do I, Dave. I’m American. I hope I successfully catch one of those big boys in my catcher’s mitt before it goes off. It’ll be worth it just to get rid of the sheer idiocy of both sides.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
my name is dave and i endorse carpet-combing you
June 15th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
My name is TheMobRules, and I endorse the carpet-bombing of America.
Don’t you?
June 15th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
Spoken like a true American.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
Hey.
Fuck America. The American people are among the most willfully ignorant, pompous, stubborn assholes in the world.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
@Nobbess
The Chilean government was more a military state, than an actual democratically elected government. The Carter administration was alarmed at human rights violations and the involvement of Chile’s intelligence agency in the assassinations of an American citizen and a Chilean Ambassador. That led to political strife between the countries…
But you are right, there is room to debate what is meant by the word “topple”. I am not trying to claim sole understanding of truth, just responding to bold statements labeling America as a nation hell bent on destroying other democracies.
I hope DOB’s next article is funnier than this one, he is usually hilarious.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
@ Rainer
You know what kills the Conservative movement? Websites like this telling 14 year old kids who’s parent didn’t raise them to be independent thinkers how to view conservatism
June 15th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
I heard that blonde chick only screws blacks dudes…
June 15th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
@ Rainer
Seriously??? Social Darwinism? Do you even know what that means?
If you do, Im very curious to know why you would admit to it here.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Hey Cracked! Why are you trying so damn hard to make sure everybody knows you hate Fox News, and Glenn Beck, and conservatives in general? We get it. You are liberal. Now how about shut the fuck up and make me laugh again like you used to.
Is Swaim the only person here who cares more about making us laugh than expressing his political views?
June 15th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Oh, and please stop your political bickering. Glenn Beck is a dumbass. There is no defending that. So are a lot of liberals. This isn’t DOB being an elitist liberal, it’s him wrecking an asshole.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
and liberals say republicans are hate mongers. or were you just trying to be ironic?
at any rate this was pretty piss poor from a comedic standpoint.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Actually Matthew, while you’re right that too many people abuse Fox to the point that it’s not funny anymore, that’s not what this is about. This is about Glenn Beck who has stunned the shit out of me because I thought people were crazy for being so loyal to Bill Maher and Sean Hannity. This guy just might be worse than 9/11 truthers.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
I come to this website for comedy. I don’t come to this website for biased liberal dick sucking.
Honestly, DOB, how did you get from “our founding fathers were people just like us” to “HOMG RACISM!!”
Please, Cracked, for your own sakes, keep the fuck out of politics.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
@ htownballer156
Toppling a democracy doesn’t mean going to war, or invading it with soldiers. Read about the CIA backed pinochet toppling chile’s government (which was democratically elected).
June 15th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
This is just lame, unfunny crap. At least the simulated penmanship matches the mental age of the commentary.
I guess Glenn loves rape the way you hate Jews. But then, what any of this is doing on a humor website is a puzzlement. If O’Brien has a burr in his vagina, maybe he should just … you know … take it out. No need to share, little guy!
June 15th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
@Patrick
Well, anyone who believes in less Government control. Roosevelt “saved the trees” and all that business by claiming (read: took without consent like a douche) privately owned property for the federal government to make wildlife conservations on.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Do you know what kills the Conservative movement? Flailing, angry white men. Also the whole, overwhelming Christian right.
But there are different ways of doing everything. Personally, Obama and his administration can fuck themselves. The Gub’ment controls the car companies, and the banks, and the insurance companies, and now they’re pushing for healthcare. This is terrible.
There cannot be success without failure goddamnit.
VOTE FOR SOCIAL DARWINISM
June 15th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
@ Matthew:
To be fair, Glenn Beck is pretty goddamn stupid and crazy, and he also said himself that anyone who takes his show seriously is an idiot. Even Glenn Beck has said “Do not listen to Glenn Beck”.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
And besides, isn’t this supposed to be a comedy website? I didn’t think one sided liberal venom was comedy
June 15th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Yes yes yes we get it. It is cool and in to make fun of Fox, and conservatives in general. Many people compensate for actual intelligence by simply stating the above, believing that alone boosts IQ. However, instead of actually addressing conservative ideas, most simply say “Fox is crazy, Glen Beck likes rape etc.”
June 15th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
How did this make it to the front page…?
June 15th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Who the flying fuck boos Teddy goddamn Roosevelt?
June 15th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
Good Goddamn I hate Glenn Beck.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
–==* Sugarbabymeet.C’om *==– It’s where Sugarbaby (women who are mature, rich and experienced) and men who like them can meet.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
I’m not saying swainfan (I’m one too), or htownballer or Carl Hubertus are stupid. I’m just saying they’ve made up their minds that they’re right and have all the facts.
But possession of and pronouncements of that kind of authoritative certainty, on either side of the issues with which this forum has erupted, is stupid.
To say that U.S. foreign policy and military history is all bad or all good is like saying professional wrestling is real. It is real in that the wrestlers are composed of chemical elements arranged according to physical laws, but that’s the most basic and least informed comment you can make about it. (By the way, it’s not really the best metaphor but that’s the best example I can come up with right now. I’m fuckin’ stoned, boys.)
Notice that DOB never says the opposite of what Glen Beck says is right, either. He just says Beck is wrong and we all know why: i.e. racism, fear-mongering, othering with unspecific They’s and overly general Us’s, unfunny, unformed un-jokes.
The world is a very nuanced place. And humanity is a very complex term. If anyone of us in this discussion actually had a complete overview of the political quagmire that is U.S. foreign policy, I would hope that he/she would spend their time somewhere other than in the comments section of a comedy article. *Fart*
June 15th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
I’m a pretty moderate guy, politically, and I also often spend a good portion of the day in my car on business as I have to travel all over this wonderful(ly shitty) state of New Jersey, so I catch Beck’s radio show all too often.
Much as I hate the man (Beck), and as funny as DOB (DOB) is, either this ‘comedy show’ was a drastic departure from Beck’s run of the mill ranting, or DOB has sacrificed accurate transcription for the sake of comedy.
Still a good read, though.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
htownballer156:
Cry wolf? Did the irony really not occur to you?
June 15th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
As far as Beck’s “comedy” goes, speaking as a liberal-minded person, I actually don’t mind conservative leaning comedy. I applaud any comedy that is clever and well-thought out.
This guy sounds like a case of someone using deliberately inflammatory language and then smugly denouncing you as stupid when you object because clearly, you don’t “get it”.
Personally, that reminds me of the guy who runs his mouth incessently, gets his ass kicked for it, and then has the gall to call the police or whatever.
Yeah, thank you DOB for subjecting yourself to this so we don’t have to.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
@ Carl Gustaf Folke Hubertus
Once again as I stated before, name a country that was a democracy at the time when the US “toppled” it…exactly, you can’t. If you choose to emphasize the humanitarian missions Sweden conducts, then you should consider all that the United States does as well. I liked Sweden very much for the record,it is a beautiful country, people were very friendly when I visited.
The United States has troops who are dying right now to defend the rights of Iraqi citizens. My roommate is an Iraqi refuge, his father was forced to work under Sadam as a physician. I have heard many stories of brutality and horror. Just because you may not agree with the premise of the Iraq war, you cannot dismiss the humanitarian gains which have been made in the region. My roommate can now travel back home without fear of persecution and death. I have not directly been involved in humanitarian work abroad, but as a medical student I will be spending six months in Nigeria next year volunteering at a medical clinic.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
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June 15th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
@ Swaimfan
“No country has ever toppled as many democratic governments as the US”
I don’t know what democracies you are referring to… the U.S. has never been at war with another country which was a democracy at the time. Unless you count the civil war?
Regardless, this does not change the fact that every year the United States is far and away the leader in worldwide charitable donations. The United States donates so much food to the rest of the world that the ethanol E85 plan threatened to push millions into starvation because of a decrease in the availability in US corn output.
@ProfessorPher
Can you back up the subjective statement that Glen Beck doesn’t know what he is talking about? Is he wrong about somethings…well yeah of course, he is human like all of us. Listen I could really care less about defending Beck, he is what he is, a commentator. The only reason I stick my neck out at all for this is because he is not the point. The point is that now more than ever we need individuals to cry wolf when something doesn’t seem right. That is what the media used to be great at. A big emphasis on “used to.”
June 15th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Glad I could stir you up a bit.
@ pacey420: You’re right. I may be a bit unfair in my judgement but my opinion is not based solely on this forum, or the just the internet for that matter. And yes, there are nut jobs in Sweden as well (google Åke Green for a classic example, who won a lot of sympathies among american christians) although they tend to not be heard of in the media, unless made fun of, as much as the ones in the united states who are often taken too seriously.
@ htownballer156: You’re wrong. In the words of Swaimfan: “No country has ever toppled as many democratic governments as the US.” I would lie to you if I said that Sweden contributes a lot in global matters, but we try.
We send the few soldiers we have on missions to warzones not to kill or conquer, but to try and maintain peace. All of these missions are sanctioned by the United Nations.
Liberia, Kosovo, Afghanistan, Kongo, Cyprus, Lebanon, Tchad, Bosnia and Croatia are all examples of where swedish troops have gone, not to mention Folke Bernadotte, the first swedish UN observer who was assassinated by Israeli terrorists.
Oh, and this made me raise a brow or two: “Have sacrificed our own lives so that others could have the same liberties we enjoy? Yep.”
Do you have an example of where this has actually happened after WW2 (even though that one is questionable as well)?
Do you feel as though you were a part of that sacrifice?
@ Kevin: As Sweden is not a part of NATO I doubt the US would be the ally to seek if Sweden would ever be invaded or drawn into a large scale war near our home (and that luckily isn’t about to happen anytime soon).
We pride ourselves on not having been to war for almost 200 years. You can tell me to stop criticizing the USA when you can say the same.
@ Noone in particular: I didn’t mean to try and instigate some kind of nationalistic dick measuring contest here. There are a lot of things I dislike about Sweden as well, I just wanted to remind you of the fact that most of the world hates your guts. This is true, and sad.
Why don’t you do something about it?
June 15th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Fuck Glenn Beck. Suck my DICK.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Paying to see and enduring Beck’s “comedy” must have been highly unpleasant, probably inducing headaches and nausea. So thanks DOB, for doing so and giving us an entertaining article about it.
I have read Beck is an adult convert to mormonism. That defines him perfectly as a racist asshole willing to beleive anything that fits his world view, no matter how idiotic and harmful. This article further proves that fact.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Dan The Man,Your’e A Helluva Man!!
You’d Be a Good Man To Ride The River With!!!
BTW:I’m Neither Conservative or Liberal!!
JUst a Tenth Generation Scots-Irish SOB and
Damned Proud Of It!!!!
“Are You Hungry Dear?”-Marie Barrone.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Hey Eric;
The Only Dicksucker I See On Here Is You!!!
Of Course,Like All The Other Closet Gay NeoCons-Larry Craig;
Mark Foley;Michael Savage-You’ll Never Admit To Being a Gaywad!!
Even If They Call You”Sugar”Because You Give It Up So Sweetly!!!
Of Course,You’ll Never Admit To Having Fun On The Downlow,
Even When You Get Caught Hitchikin’Down The Ol’El Camino Del
Hershey With Ted Haggard and Barney Frank!!!!
Just Admit That Your’e A Little Crybaby Douchebag Neocon Mommy’s Boy and Maybe One Day You Can Sit With The Cool Kids Again!!!
June 15th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Sounds to me that both Dob an Glen are totally biased Jerkoffs.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Never really been a DOB fan, but, sir, I applaud you for making it through this unmitigated horseshit. Beck is a racist, classist tittie exploiter, and needs to be ‘taken down’, too. Just like “they”.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
You are a funny guy. But don’t get political. It just makes you sound like a sad, angry douche bag. Stick to the comedy Dan
June 15th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
@ htownballer
I love voices of opposition. However, there is a vast difference between a voice of opposition and a voice of someone who has no idea what the fuck they’re talking about. Glenn Beck is the latter of that.
I can’t remember where I heard it, but someone once said “You don’t have a right to an opinion. You have a right to an informed, educated opinion. If you don’t know what you’re talking about, you have no right to form an opinion about it.”
June 15th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Bravo Dan The Man!!!
Glenn Beck,Like Most Of The Other Talking Heads at
Faux Snooze,Is-To Paraphrase Buzz Lightyear-”A Sad;Strange Little Man!!He Has My Pity!!”.
Beck;Hannity;O’Reilly and the like miss the boat bft!!!
Their Conservatism is not True Consrervatism!!!
True Conservatism is Less Govrernment;Lower Taxes and a Strong Defense!!
Of which ironically is what Teddy Roosevelt stood for!!!
Not to mention The Late Barry Goldwater!!!
Beck;Hannity;O’Reilly and company are really just a bunch
of Pompous Self Centered Jackasses who aren’t looking for soilutions!!!
Theyr’e looking for Boogeymen:Blacks;Gays;Jews;Latinos and Single Welfare Mothers who are gonna move into your neighborhood and take everything you worked for and not only
will the Government Not Do Anything About It,They’ll Just Stand Back And Let Them!!!
I Love How They Love To Potray Themselves as”Patriots”!!!
Funny;but during the Late Lamented Vietnam War,William J.O’Reilly decided to serve his Country Not By Joining The Armed Forces and Serving in Southeast Asia,but By Studying Law at Oxford Alongside Fellow Celebrity Draft Dodger and Future President William J.Clinton!!
Hmmm!!!Clinton and O’Reilly Both Born in 1946;Both Of Irish Descent;Both Avoided The Vietnam War;Both Went To Oxford;Both Named William;Both Called Bill;Both Accused Of Sexual Harrassment!!!
COINCIDENCE OR CONSPIRACY????!!!
YOU BE THE JUDGE!!!!*
(While wer’e at it,Courtney Cox was born in Anniston,Alabama.
Her Costar on”Friends”was Jennifer Anniston.
Creepy Ain’t It!!!).
And While Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity were both too young to have served in Vietnam*(*Theyr’e 44&48 respectfully);they never served in Grenada;Lebanon;Panama;Gulf War I;Somalia and Kosovo!!
Come to think about it,They Never Served In The Military Period!!!!
Yet,They Sure Love To Bang The Drums Of War!!!!
Also,While Glenn Beck LOves To Go To These”Tea Parties”and Promote His”Comedy(??)Tour Movie”and Holler About”Big Government!!!”;Whenever He Leaves His Apartment To Go On His Tour;He’s Picked Up By a Limo or Taxi.
The Driver Has To Be Licenced By His State and City.
Okay.What’s Wrong With That You Say??
Well,Theyr’e Regulated By The Government and Paid For With Your(and his)Tax Dollars!!!
He Then Boards a Private Plane To Go To His Appearances.
Guess What:The Airport Is Maintained By The Government!!!
The Pilot Is Licenced by The FAA.
Which Is a Government Agency!!!
And From The Beginning Until The End Of The Flight,The Pilot Is Guided By Air Traffic Controllers Who Are(You Guressed It!!)Government Employees!!!!
And He Drives On a Highway That Is(You Guessed It,Part 2!!This Time,It’s Personal!!Sorta!!)Paid For By Federal Tax Dollars!!!
Only To Go Tell a Bunch Of Yahoos”WER’E TIRED OF GOVERNMENT SPENDING!!!!”.
Now Before Some Of You Doubt My Patriotism,With The Exception Of The Years 1861-65,My Family Has Supported Our Country Right or Wrong!!!
My Paternal Great;Great;Great;Grandfather Emigrated From Ireland in The 1700’s and Served In The 10th North Carolina Continental Line Regiment in The American Revolution!!!
In WWII;I Had Two Cousins On My Mother’s Side Who Served in The ETO.
One I Never Met As He Was Shot Down Over Sicily on July 4,1943.
The Other Served In France and Was Severly Wounded Near St.Lo,France in 1944.
He Was AWarded a Silver Star and a Purple Heart.
Now All The Years I Knew Him,Neither He or Anyone Else In My Family Talked About it.
BTW:He Died About 16 Years Ago.
Also,My Paternal Grandma Worked Building B24 Liberators For Consolidated Aircraft in Fort Worth.
Both My Parents Worked In Defense Plants in WWII As Well.
My Late Father in Law Served in The Air Force During The Korean War.
One Of My Cousin’s Husband Was a Career Man in The Air Force Serrving From The Korean War to The Vietnam War.
And I’ve Had Two Nephews Who Served In Iraq.
Not To Mention One Of My Niece’s Husband Served in Afghanistan
As a Demolitions Expert and Now Is a BATF Agent in Las Vegas.
Hey Brokebeck Mountain;Can You Top That????!!!
No You Can’t!!!
Your’e Really Just a Little Whineyassed Wuss Who Loves To Talk Big But When Someone Calls You Out,You Run and Hide Behind Your Mommy’s Skirt!!!!
“It’s a Dog Eat Dog World and I’m Wearing Meat Pajamas!!”
-Stewie Griffin.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Titties…. mmmm-wha? Oh. And yeah. Article funny and… titties.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Wow, what a liberal douche you are. Sure calling it a comedy tour is a quite an overstatement. However, I come here for comedic relief and this is what I get. A liberal dicksuck that attacks a man that is telling the truth about how our constitution is being torn to shreads by His Majesty Obama. A vain commie freedom hater that is in politics only for his legacy. Pay attention to how many times he says “i” or “my” in his speeches. He’s on TV every fucking day! He fired a CEO for fucks sake! This should bother everyone, democrat or republican. He talks about Bushs failed policies, yet does exactly what Bush (another big govt dickwad) was doing and multiplies it by 10. Dan. Go fuck yerself.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
sorry to have to repeat this but…
DOB IS A FUCKING LEGEND!!!
DOB! DOB! DOB! DOB!
(we love you DOB)
(DOB have my babies)
(DOB for president)
June 15th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Thank you, DOB, for going boldly into the heart of darkness to discover that yes, Glenn Beck’s ‘comedy’ is even more insane, unfunny and bigoted than we thought. You know what I love about these guys?
Their unwavering douchebaggery in the face of all evidence contrary to their views. It takes a very special kind of crazy to do that.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
“Perhaps America is a flawed country, but we are the largest coalition for human rights in the history of humanity. ”
No country has ever toppled as many democratic governments as the US.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Carl Gustaf Folke Hubertus
I’ll tell you what: Swedes can criticize America when their country actually does something on the world stage… instead of ducking out every time it gets remotely warm. I’m curious to know who your government will be crying to if, God forbid, it ever gets seriously attacked by terrorists. I’d imagine you’ll be appealing to us idiot Americans and our military which protects your country and Western Europe from any kind of threat. Oh, and by the way, your welcome for the socialism. If you had to actually do things like build a military, you wouldn’t have the funds to afford your welfare state. Toodles!
June 15th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Man, fuck this crapshoot. Is there no grey area with you people???
June 15th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Goddammit DOB, how can you be so GODDAMN AWESOME?!
I mean, what chance do the rest of us have when you’re setting the bar so unreachably high?
I want to punch and fondle you all at once.
June 15th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
In case you have never heard of Glenn Beck, congratulations! He is a Fox News host (previously CNN host) of a propaganda show (similar to Bill O’Reilly but with less class).
June 15th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
@ tkwelge
The thing about Jon Stewart’s ‘one-liners’ is that when referring to Dick Chaney, he always emphasizes DICK, hinting that he’s an ass and there is(/was) more often than not an animation of Dick in his wheelchair with the Imperial March theme playing. And as for Bush, he is a joke (there’s what you set yourself up for), the crowd doesn’t go ape-shit when they hear Bush’s name, they snicker, more as anticipation of a joke about him. Comparing that to “New York *wink wink*”, how is there an intended joke there?
June 15th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
God I hate Glenn Beck so much. But I now definitely love DOB.
June 15th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Who is this fucker? I’ve never heard of him. He’s making Americans look bad!
What an asshole.
June 15th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
@Carl Gustaf Folke Hubertus:
im sure sweden has some nut jobs too. dont weigh your decision on america by the crap you read on the internet….or at least, if you do have the good mind to compare one forum to another (preferably one in a different direction) so your not lead to believe all of america has the same one toned or narrow minded view. im not saying that the readers here are either, but to judge based on internet forums is a bit unfair. im sure if i went to a swedish website, id hear some logical views with some meaningful script or truthful backing AND id hear some crazy shit that doesnt make sence by anyones logics.
That being said, i agree that america should stop wreaking havoc across the world.
June 15th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
@ Cark Gustaf Folke Hubertus
If you really believe your own comment than you are just as hopeless as all of us “lost and war hungry” Americans. Has America made mistakes on the world stage? Yep. Have sacrificed our own lives so that others could have the same liberties we enjoy? Yep. Perhaps America is a flawed country, but we are the largest coalition for human rights in the history of humanity. If Sweden would like to step up to the plate and have an opinion on any global issue, I would welcome it. No major country is disconnected from the rest of the world anymore, perhaps it is best to remember that.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Greetings from the evil, “socialist” country of Sweden.
I read the article and I guess I liked it.
The comments not so much.
What the f*ck is wrong with you people?
At least I have now learned never to discuss politics or religion with an american. Ever.
Oh, and thanks for the 75 or so THOUSAND iraqi refugees who have come to Sweden so far, all because of your wars. That is quite a lot for a country with a population of about 9 million.
All the more often I find myself actually hoping for a nuclear holocaust of some kind. Just think what North Korea, Iran, Russia or China could do.
I think it’s time for the US to stop wreaking havoc all across the world. Isolate yourselves before it’s too late. You are unwanted in the rest of the world. Get your troops back home and stay there.
Now.
And do take care.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
nicely executed. Thanks for taking one for the team. that 20 dollars was equally waisted, and put to good use. Im not a fan of Glenn Beck. In fact, ive never heard him speak personally. I always hear of ppl taking about something he has said. being that the people i listen to (on the outside world) are usually my friends and somewhat on the same page as myself, i tend to take what they say with some belief. However, since i never heard the man speak so i havent evaluated for myself what he is about/who he is i supposed i was being alitlle biased. so i never say anything along the lines of “i dont like glen beck” instead, i say nothing about him. BUT…. seeing as how ive dedicated so much time to not being for or against the man, i dont care to hear his thoughts or try to not be biased. its a ‘whatever’ situation…. so i think on this note (well, your notes, to be exact) im gonna stop giving a shit altoghter. I dont think i like glen beck….. hate to be one of those types, but i think im pretty rational and a seeker of truth whatever it may be, but even the most nuetral of us sometimes have to take a side. Im taking yours…..
June 15th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
i found this hilarious and well done. DOB, i do not hate you.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Better than that ignorant cow Rachel Maddow.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
I appreciate the sacrifice you took for us sitting through Glen Beck’s comedy show, but I prefer last Friday’s topic over Glen Beck’s Comedy
June 15th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Glenn Beck may not hold a wide appeal for many, but he represents an important idea which has been lost on our generation. He is a voice of opposition. Our generation is being led around like sheep, blinded by small social issues, to what is really going on in the world. There is a consolidation of power by the federal government, and this is not a republican or democrat issue. We have lost our checks and balances in government. The two party system is dividing our hearts and minds over issues that do not warrant such disdain and hatred. As Americans we need to come together and find pragmatic solutions to problems. I have watched Glenn Beck in the past, before he moved to Fox News, and his message has been consistent across time. He opposes the direction we are headed as a nation. That message was the same during Bush’s presidency as well. You may not agree with his principals, or his ideas, or his speaking style; but dismissing the man as a right wing racist punching bag is ridiculous.
As for the article I believe it was pretty weak. It felt as if Dan went into the show with his article already written in his head, needing only minor details to be added from the show. Oh well, better luck next time I suppose. On the bright side, cracked still rocks it out, I love this site.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
politics again? .. blech .. the DOB is getting dangerously close to being taken off my weekly reading list.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
fucking a
June 15th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
@tkwelge
hahahaha why the fuck are you trying to have a serious political conversation on cracked.com
June 15th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
That is a fantastically shitty equivalency argument you have made, Billy B.
Clearly a film maker and comedian are equivalent to a pundit on Fox News calling on people to murder political rivals.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Pure satire gold.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Holy shit there are a lot of comments on here….
“Motherfucker, yes. Every damn time Jon Stewart lets out that asshole smirk the audience loses its shit like Jesus Christ appeared and announced that today was Free SUpermodel Blowjob Day.”
Agreed, I like watching The Daily Show but it gets really annoying when they start clapping any time Jon does any physical movement of any kind.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Wow I dont know who looked like more of an asshole after reading that piece the writer or the guy he was flaiming but eatherway this article was major fail stick to your list based humor.Politics is everywere and its all petty nonsence if I want to hear somone call republicans racist ill just turn on the news thank you cracked for proving your bias.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Especially the whole jokes with no punchline comment. Jon Stewart does that all of the time. Simply throwing around names like “Dick Cheney” and “Bush” get roars of laughter as if these people were jokes in and of themselves. (I know I’m opening up to people’s retarded one liner jokes about how Bush and CHeney ARE jokes and deserve it.) If your side does it, why can’t the other? Obama is a joke and a liar. As bad a president as Bush or worse. You may disagree, but we all have a right to our opinions. If you don’t agree with glenn beck, then don’t see his show. End of discussion. Of course you’re not going to like it. The same way that I pick apart stewart, because I vehemently disagree with him. He is the enemy of any true libertarian.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Gabriel:
“And incidentally, comparing Michael Moore to just about any right winger out there is disingenuous.”
Yes… Michael Moore that genius of epic proportions that best represents the popular opinion of Americans. I believe Michael Moore had this to say about the terrorists in Iraq who were killing American soldiers and beheading our journalists back in 2004:
The Iraqis who have risen up against the occupation are not “insurgents” or “terrorists” or “The Enemy.” They are the REVOLUTION, the Minutemen, and their numbers will grow — and they will win.
Yes… that’s right Michael Moore compared Iranian goons and al-Queda operatives to America’s Minutemen. Gotta love it. He also presumed they would win… they didn’t. Moore is a pompous self-inflated un-patriotic prick who barely disguises his hatred for America and his love for everything un-American.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
That guy scared the shiiit outta me.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Forgot to mention.. DOB was obviously purposely doing to Glenn Beck in this article what Glenn Beck does to ‘them’ — with fear-mongering and misinformation..
He freakin’ says it in the article!
“To be fair, he did go on to clarify his point, saying ‘Rape rape rape.’
It was an unexpected outburst, to be sure, but I thought I’d just, you know, put it out there. If any comedian/political talking head wants to talk about why Glenn Beck is dangerous for America, feel free to cite Cracked.com in the same way that Beck cited Pravda.”
How about you actually read the article before commenting on it.
Seriously, some of you people wallow in your ignorance the way a pig wallows in its own feces.
June 15th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
This article in a nut shell:
Waaaaaaaaaaaaah! Somebody disagrees with me! Waaaaaaaaaah! Jon Stewart and Colbert are partisan hacks posing as populistic icons, but how dare somebody who disagrees with ME do the same thing! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! He’s an old white male who enjoys the company of white people, he must be a racist! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I’m Daniel o Brien Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
So many people on the left behave like the worst of the worst right wing idealogues without ever being called on it, but I guess hating conservatives is in vogue. I don’t like glenn beck, but he wasn’t originally a fox news personality and he doesn’t even do anything that Jon Stewart or Bill Maher doesn’t do. Leftists can only dish it out, not take it. I make intelligent arguments defending my libertarian principles all of the time only to have you people scoff and just call me names. You people are lower than scum. And nobody even cares about Glenn Beck. You’re entire argument against libertarianism and conservatism hinges on the hatred of older than middle aged tv personalities that nobody under the age of 45 watches anyway. The left has some younger tv personalites, that is the only difference between the two mainstream camps. I still don’t get what the huff is about with fox news either. What about the huffington post, new york times, daily show with john stewart, and all of the mouthpieces on the left? Nobody ever calls them “faux” news or some other such counter propaganda. Why aren’t they “talking heads.”
June 15th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
I lawl’d and then I lawl’d again. That was dongtastic
June 15th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
First, I want to say: wonderfully done article, DOB. Hilarious.
Second.. here’s what I love about the majority of people complaining about this article. One of the most common comments is the equivalent of: ‘You use the same misinformation and fear-mongering in your article as Glenn Beck does in his show. You’re such a hypocrite…’
DOB is a columnist on a comedian website. It’s obviously intended to be funny and not necessarily informative.
Glenn Beck is a self-styled font of information. His comments are not meant to be funny (except maybe in this comedy show.. but on his regular tv and radio show, that’s obviously not what’s intended), but informative. He believes what he states is fact and is trying in every medium to get you to see his point and come to his ‘enlightened’ world view.
Anybody see the difference here?
It reminds me of when everybody was up in arms about the jokes made by Wanda Sykes… ‘Omg! How dare she! Her jokes were so extreme! She called Limbaugh a terrorist!’
The hilarious bit about that is.. Wanda Sykes = comedienne. Jokes = meant to be funny, not necessarily informative.
Rush Limbaugh says far more offensive, extreme and downright nasty things.. and he MEANS it. He thinks it’s fact. Not jokes. FACT.
Anybody see the real hypocrisy here?
June 15th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
“Fair and balanced? More like unfair and unbalanced, amirite?”
Somewhat. But if you don’t realize all the other “news” stations are the exact same, just in the opposite direction, then you are retarded.
June 15th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
You’ve said everything I’ve always wanted to say about that nasty,”white & sweaty”,mouth-breathing,annoying,racist,xenophobe who spends his waking hours fear-mongering to the under-informed , inciting rage and fear into their empty heads-The hero of the “guns & religion” crowd-Glenn Beck,hater of the city and industry that pays him $23million/year.He really is a pig and he represents all that is embarrassing and disgraceful about our country.I’ve never met anyone like him, or anyone who likes him, for that matter, as I too am an elitest snob who’s born and raised and still lives in NYC- He’s nothing but a freak show to me but knowing that he packs audiences across this country is very frightening.I really enjoyed your review.Rage on, my friend- Lisa B,NYC
June 15th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Just a note on people referring to ‘Socialism’ after having it defined by Republicans and Fox News, and then comparing it to what we have today.
The Democratic party in America is further right than most mainstream (we’re excluding Nazis and shit here) right-wing parties in the rest of the developed world. Do you get that? Our ‘crazy leftists’ are more conservative than the CONSERVATIVES in the countries that you all soil your panties over. Seriously.
And if you want to talk about how the founders of this country felt, then deal with the following:
1) The federal government would be almost non-existent. Almost all of it’s functions (including taxation) would be taken up by state governments. Not that this is a bad thing - I’d prefer it. Because in addition to the fact that on a local or state level, no one would ever be convinced to vote for people whose platform consists of taxing them and then handing the money over to major corporations (and if they did, then of course, any laws they might make to prevent being exposed would be trumped by freedom of speech and freedom of the press) but also, of course, since things like ‘gay marriage’ and ‘abortion’ aren’t matters of interstate commerce (which was the only thing that the federal government was really intended to keep watch on, ensuring that all the states could maintain meaningful connection with each other) then we wouldn’t have dipshit congresspeople using these as wedge issues. “Hey, I want to destroy the social programs that provide money to your displaced workers while giving more money to huge companies that I own stock in - but these guys support gays and abortion, so vote for me!”
2) How do you feel about the idea of that redneck, anti-American militia whose billboards you see when you drive through Montana getting their own heavy weapons and explosives - as well as the government preventing NRA members from buying assault weapons for ‘home defense’? The second amendment doesn’t say shit about home defense because the framers of the constitution probably didn’t feel the need to include that tidbit when ‘home defense’ (in the context that retarded people use the term) meant spending 10 minutes loading up the old musket while your family is being stabbed to death (or whatever). ‘Home defense’ was never a part of the second amendment, but ensuring that a militia would have access to weaponry that would allow them to effectively fight the military (should the need ever arise to defend liberty from a government gone mad) was. Which, if we read it with that intent in mind, you get Timothy McVeigh in a Sherman tank. So, you know, maybe what they had in mind wasn’t actually the best for the modern world.
3) The Consitution is, indeed, a document that - even if you don’t regard it as a ‘living’ document - does provide the means to actually change it over time. We’ve amended it many times, and will probably do so again. However, the fact of the matter is that while we’re almost certainly pushing things in ways that they never intended, the one thing that they made it most clear that they wanted to avoid was the possibility of the government stifling freedom of individuals and the press. To pretend that we should accept limitations on either of those two (or to stand idly by while those who share your political beliefs say it, just so that you can deny having said it yourself) just to protect from the threat of Socialism is ridiculous. At the point that someone advocates that, they’ve clearly abandoned all rational pretense at actually caring about what the founding fathers thought.
4) They were totally racist. Not that most of the libertarians and right-wingers who pretend that they can read the minds of dead people would really be bothered by that one, but yeah.
And incidentally, comparing Michael Moore to just about any right winger out there is disingenuous.
Glenn Beck: People who don’t agree with us aren’t real Americans and need to be destroyed - who’s with me?!
Michael Moore: A lot of otherwise decent people are being deceived by people with political or monetary power.
Ann Coulter: I wish terrorists would kill more American liberals!
Michael Moore: We were lied to so that we’d support an unnecessary war.
Agree with him or not, talk shit about his style or not, but to pretend that Michael Moore pointing out over and over again that our public discourse is defined by people with money and power is the same as “You’re different than me, and I hope you fucking die!” is quite possibly one of the three dumbest concepts I’ve ever seen advanced, along with Creationism (oops, I mean Intelligent Design) and Sarah Palin as a viable candidate for anything other than ‘Fetus Cannon’ and ‘Bad Baby Name Creator of the Year’.
June 15th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
@ times i’m a douche
well said!!!
June 15th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Really poor writing… I normally like Cracked.com’s satire, even when it is way left wing, but this article was really sub-par. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a Glenn Beck supporter by any means, and agree with some that see him as a Michael Moore for Republicans, but in your article you actually make yourself sound as bad as Beck. I hate the far left and right and find it easy to make fun of them, but you have made it look difficult.
June 15th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Swaimfan, My apologies, I had no idea that was intended towards jonathan, I had just assumed jonathan was just an example name. I thought that you were referring to the article’s use of stereotype.
And I don’t know if I’d call it pedantic, maybe prideful of knowledge….but is that really so wrong?
June 15th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Good Job Daniel! And what dedication you must have to your craft to have to sit through 2 hours of Glenn Beck’s “comedy”.
I for one would have beat his ass after the stupid people in the military comment. Still considering it.
I use to think that Mormons, despite some of my disagreements with their theology, have always been some of the nicest people I’ve met.
Glenn Beck is Mormon. I guess the Mormons picked Glenn Beck to overcompensate at being an asshole so they can make their asshole quota for the Bureau of Standards for Assholes and General Dickery .
June 15th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
I might have actually watched his movie just to see how terribly stupid it is. Thanks for the WARNING DOB. All those racist white people could have killed me.
June 15th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
As an African (who still lives here), I only ever hear of Glenn Beck through Jon Stewart, and thought, every time “where does that man find these people, digging through the dregs of obscure late-night TV or something?”. It shocks me every time I realise that Glenn Beck is an actual, mainstream, well-known, much liked person, whereas I remain completely obscure purely because I keep my sanity. Also probably because I don’t do anything that would involve pursuing fame, but mostly because I keep my sanity.
June 15th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
“Canada has a 10% higher mortality rate than the USA in regard to colon cancer because they can’t afford the best drugs. Britain is cutting off care for women with breast cancer.”
- Jeremiah
Where did you pull that stat from? Can you source it? When I googled it all I could get was the mortality rate per country. Netherlands was #1 and the US was #9. (ahead of those “evil” socialist countries Australia, Sweden, Finland, Austria France and Norway). Canada wasn’t even listed http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/hea_dea_fro_can-health-death-from-cancer
As for “Britain cutting off case for women with breast cancer” C’mon, that’s just dumb. The only thing I could find even close to that during a search is from a website for Lyndon LaRouche, and he’s just crazy. Godwin’s Law has to be evoked every time he writes a sentence.
Quit making shit up!!
June 15th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
As an Independent who tends to lean towards Conservative… this article was fucking hilarious. Glenn Beck is crazy
June 15th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
I have to agree with somebody who commented. Just can’t decide who….
Ah! There it is! Whoever said “Who fucking cares what Glenn Beck has to say?”—I agree with you.
June 15th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
DOB, as the guy on the crew that picked out those titties to represent freedom, thank you. You were right about the theatre being packed with white people. But there were a surprisingly large amount of young hot chicks. Just glad I was getting paid instead of paying.
June 15th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Two things that do not go together, never have been together and never shall be together: Glenn Beck and “common sense”.
June 15th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I guess Glenn Beck is now the Conservatives version of Michael Moore. This only adds to the polarization of American though. You either have one crazy asshole to the left or one crazy asshole to the right. I do agree with Beck on the “idea” that we need common sense but I fear that either way we go we get political retards. Look at the choices between candidates in 08. Barack and McCain. Talk about great choices people. A loser “done-nothing” and a ball-less “do-nothing”. If we keep this up we might actually end up electing Jesse Ventura or Kanye West as the next pres. lol. oh god I just creeped myself out.
June 15th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Thank you so much for going to see the movie Dan. God knows i wasn’t going to pay for it, but i was VERY curious what it was going to be. Thanks for saving me time and money. Oh, and fuck Glenn Beck.
June 15th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
times i’m a douche
You’re right… socialism isn’t inherently evil, but it’s a risky game. When the government controls huge portions of an economy, they have tremendous power over people. The Founders of this country were dedicated to limiting the size of gov’t because they saw gov’t as tending to be oppressive. I will note how many Democrats (and Republicans) hated the Patriot Act because it put unimaginable power into the hands of a few security personnel and a few different agencies. Now why do Democrats care less if a significant amount of economic power is being put into the hands of a few bureaucrats? If Obama and Pelosi can de facto control banks, control the America auto companies, and call the shots on your health care, how is that not scary as hell?
June 15th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
I’m laughing pretty hard at those who didn’t detect the obvious sarcasm in Coachfinder’s post
June 15th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Wow … you really hate Glenn Beck! I get it, I get it … now can you maybe write something either entertaining, or informative. You know … instead of your rambling nonsense. Please …please! Maybe we could have Swaim, or Gladstone write something worth reading. I mean, even if they DO write a personal attack on someone they hate, it would probably be funny.
June 15th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
My, my, such mean spirited comments. Isn’t this supposed to be a humor site, although crude potty humor? I can honestly say that I’m totally disappointed with society today. I mean, you are all really pathetic douches arguing politics on a dick and fart joke website, and expecting to make a point or provide insight to others. Basically, I want to say to you, FUCK OFF! …and have a wonderful day!
June 15th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
The article was funny, but it’s scary how many people are willing to believe anything they’re told. We got the same problem here in Finland, with populist politicians blaming immigrants for the worsening economy, security and whatnot…
Anyway, I love all of your articles. You and Robert are easily the brightest writers at Cracked. SWAIM isn’t that bad, either.
June 15th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Billy B:
Slack-jawed-liberal-commie-faggot?
Just what kind of inbred retard are you?
I just feel sorry for DOB or anyone else who HAS to read all of these comments
June 15th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Is it bad that I would rather not read DOB’s articles anymore, but just the comment section because they are far more entertaining?
Dan, I know you’ve probably developed some thick skin over the last few months, but seriously pal, you need some new material, or your writing style needs to evolve or something. This is subpar.
June 15th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
It’s always nice to see how posts on this site, even vaguely political in nature, piss a ton of people off.
It’s either “DOB/Swaim/etc is like, god to me” or “DOB/Swaim/etc, I will rip off your skull and crap down your neck”.
Do we really have to freak out just because he’s established a different view from our own?
Oh…right. This is the Internet.
June 15th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
“Arguing over policies as being left, right, communist, socialist, etc detracts from the ability to make positive change, its a bait and switch which benefits conservatives that in concept want to reduce government involvement and change which benefits those with more money.
Don’t make a conservative, liberal, social, etc country, just make changes for the better and don’t worry about the irrelevant classification of what ideology it belongs to.”
Um… you’re doing what you said shouldn’t be done. You try to act like you’re above the partisan stuff but then make a silly accusation against conservatives.
Govt involvement hurts everyone. The more money the government takes out of the economy, the less the “evil rich” people have to invest in things that create jobs for middle class/poor people.
June 15th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Ahhh politics. One of the only ways for a total douche to be loved by half the country and hated by the other half when, in fact, said douche should be hated by all. Beck is one of many from both sides(both sides are retarded by the way). And lets face it, the man is just trying to make $$$, not save the country. He is on a long list of talking heads that I would like to tea bag with my hairy, shit coated(I wipe that way in preparation!) balls. Line up boys and girls and taste the freedom!!
June 15th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Funny as hell!! Love your stuff! Don’t worry about these neo-con hillbillies. They’ll slither back under their rocks soon enough.
Glenn Beck has one of those faces that just looking at him, makes you want to punch him in the ear. He’s a total fucking loser.
June 15th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
It was in the middle of typing, and my civil war 2 idea was taken. Fuck.
June 15th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
The underlying fact is Glenn Beck has the intelligence of a lobotomied silk worm and looks so camp and in the closet that I’m surprised he’s not pulling 20-year-old pairs of shoes out of his ass.
“Look I’m talking about TITTIES I’m STRAIGHT!”
June 15th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
The constant state of fear from the last 8 years seems to have turned to anger in a whole lot of people. There will probably be a second civil war within a decade, only it will be Democrat vs Republican.
It will be on Pay-Per-View, and Michael Buffer will announce it.
“Ladies and Gentlemen it time for the MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING!”
(Michael Buffers voice)
“In this corner, wearing the finely pressed black pinstriped $60,000 buisness suits, shit-eating cheshire cat grins, fat cuban cigars, and a crapload of bad comb-overs, with a total combined weight of 60,400,982,734,234 lbs….it’s the REPUBLICANS!!!!!!
“And in that smoke-filled corner, wearing the Grateful Dead tie-die shirts from 1975, bong water-stained and torn khaki shorts, and brown Birkenstock sandals complete with black socks, eating carrot sticks and hugging a spotted owl. They may be whiny, but they have more anger than a 10 year old in a toy store with poor parents, with a total combined weight of 8000 lbs…..it’s the DEMOCRATS!!!!!”
“LET”S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE”
June 15th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
To add on to what Kevin said-
Canada has a 10% higher mortality rate than the USA in regard to colon cancer because they can’t afford the best drugs. Britain is cutting off care for women with breast cancer.
People scoff at the idea that you’ll have to wait on a list for healthcare, but that’s exactly what’s happened with the countries we’re trying to model.
June 15th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
“That said, i’d like to point out how hilariously stupid you Americans look tossing “liberal” and “conservative” around as if one ideology slipping into another is like the blood of christ mixing with the tar-like semen of satan (which, by the way, is the best way of making a “volcano” in a science fair). ”
Interesting analogy. But that’s exactly the type of thinking that the Republican Party’s been able to capitalize on for the last 30 years now. *shrugs* I don’t know how we (the American people) got going down that path. :\
“Though I can’t profess to following mainstream American media (mainly for my heart rate, because I just can’t handle being told how many ways I’m going to die if I leave my house today, and couldn’t give less of a fuck about the First Puppy’s First Shit On The Rug), partisanship has gone way too far.”
I certainly agree with you. United States media outlets are, for the most part, full of sensationalist garbage. I think it’s part of the reason this country’s in so much trouble–people aren’t getting the proper information they need to make a decent decision on anything. And yes, partisanship has gone too far.
“There seems to be no fixing the rift in the states these days, so I’m going to call it now.
CIVIL WAR 2 : ELECTRIC BOOGALOO (expect a high-flying duel between zombie Abraham Lincoln and Robot E Lee)”
Lulz
June 15th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Socialism isn’t a unified ideology, there are different forms and then there is the underlying concept. You can’t claim a ’socialist’ state in a capitalist democracy is an example of socialism.
There hasn’t ever been a true to the concept socialist country, there has been communism, totalitarian dictatorships, and there have been pseudo-socialist countries that were founded on a violent uprising (which is a staple of communism, not socialism).
Arguing over policies as being left, right, communist, socialist, etc detracts from the ability to make positive change, its a bait and switch which benefits conservatives that in concept want to reduce government involvement and change which benefits those with more money.
Don’t make a conservative, liberal, social, etc country, just make changes for the better and don’t worry about the irrelevant classification of what ideology it belongs to.
June 15th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
[...] Funny. Glenn Beck Loves Rape. [...]
June 15th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Irishladdie727
I agree that health care is out of control, but a few decades ago it wasn’t. If a person wanted to, they could go to a doctor, bargain with him on a price for a given treatment that was reasonable, and leave healthy. This doesn’t happen anymore because HMOs are now required in the process. Medical insurance used to only basically be about catastrophic insurance… as in you got cancer or you had to go to the hospital. Otherwise, you could bargain with your doctor on basic coverage and pay out of pocket without the needless bureaucracy and medical billers that now own the system. Furthermore, hospital costs are out of control because a large portion of the population, particularly in my state of NJ, is here illegally and simply gets free treatment. I’ll point out the various socialized health care systems in Europe and Canada comprise nearly 10% of their respective GDPs. The coverage provided is not head and shoulders better and there are queues that exist for the most basic of treatments. It brings back memories of the Soviet Union’s bread lines. If 10% of the GDP in America is thus run by the gov’t, in addition to its other expenditures, which might count for much higher percentages, then at what point is it being tipped in favor of socialism?
June 15th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
im not shur wut dem werds wer meenin but i shur got a stubby frum dem pichurs.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:56 am
never mind, I suck black cocks and balls. LOL
June 15th, 2009 at 11:51 am
This was beautiful
June 15th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Holy crap people, it’s an article on a comedy site. No need to get bent out of shape.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Good call on Bill Maher, Billy B. What about an article on Keith Olbermann?
I’ve always wondered how people known for stand up comedy or saying, “From way downtown… BANG” get to be taken serious as political thinkers.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Jack-O
Sounds like you guys need new representation.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Shocking that a slack jawed liberal commie fagot would write a negative review about Glenn Becks show. If this website someday has the guts criticize Michael Moore or Bill Mair in such a manner I’d at least respect you for having some guts. Not holding my breath though, although I will admit your review was much funnier than Vanity Fairs.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Holy fuck does this site’s readership love to misspell things and get into arguments. True story, everyone: No amount of name-calling or fact-relating is ever going to make people of the opposite political persuasion agree with you. If DOB is liberal and wants to write something disparaging (although not as funny as usual and three days late) about Glenn Beck, it’s his right to do so. Freedom of speech seems to be the only thing (besides titties) that everyone in this country can routinely agree upon, so let’s embrace the fact that his freedom to write this article - just like Mr. Beck’s freedom to say whatever he wants on stage and your freedom to vehemently disagree with one or both of these gentlemen - is still in tact. Just like you and me, Beck and DOB are allowed to say what they think. Embrace the discourse, and learn some motherfucking grammar.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Jerimiah: Because our tax dollars pay for assloads of things in OTHER STATES.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:33 am
things i’d rather spend two hours doing other than watching glen beck-
first two hours of a life plus 25 years prison sentence
all other hours of said sentence
listening to the jonas brothers
watching the final 15 minutes and subsequent 1:45 of david karadine’s closet experience
note the lenghty time in which i’d be wathcing nothing but a deceased, nude karadine corpse.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly are liars and propagandists… It makes me sad that people watch their shows for “news”…
Fair and balanced? More like unfair and unbalanced, amirite?
June 15th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Glen is just messed up from what you are saying DOB. Many other speakers like him referred to “Them”, and nobody clearly defined them.
I did not see the show, but at least you got a boob show for that $20.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Although I disagree with many of the political views, I thought this was hilarious. All those who thought it was stupid just because it didn’t fit your political agenda, well your loss.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:24 am
“I just thought it was funny. (titties) The man is a total trainwreck. Whether you’re liberal or conservative can’t we all at least agree that he is a worthy target to be poked at?”
-Elle
I enjoy Becks show and agree it would be ok to poke fun at him. But the problem is we never get articles about the liberal side.
That shitty Larry King article does not count.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Elridge is mad becaue he can’t understand big words.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Dan, you must really hate yourself for subjecting yourself to this torture.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:17 am
DOB, I’ve said it before, but I fucking love you.
That said, i’d like to point out how hilariously stupid you Americans look tossing “liberal” and “conservative” around as if one ideology slipping into another is like the blood of christ mixing with the tar-like semen of satan (which, by the way, is the best way of making a “volcano” in a science fair). Though I can’t profess to following mainstream American media (mainly for my heart rate, because I just can’t handle being told how many ways I’m going to die if I leave my house today, and couldn’t give less of a fuck about the First Puppy’s First Shit On The Rug), partisanship has gone way too far. There seems to be no fixing the rift in the states these days, so I’m going to call it now.
CIVIL WAR 2 : ELECTRIC BOOGALOO (expect a high-flying duel between zombie Abraham Licoln and Robot E Lee)
June 15th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Glenn Beck is a fuckwad. His best moments were when he was whining about his hemaroid surgery. I highly recommend finding that vid and watching it with glee. He’s in pain! He’s ‘almost’ humbled. Take what you can get, friends.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:15 am
For all the people talking about the good of socialism-
How do you explain California? They have more socialist policies than most other states in the union and they’re currently talking about suspending welfare, laying off police and firefighters, shutting down some national parks, cutting prison terms short, etc.
What’s the excuse here? They are the richest state in the union. Their economy is larger than most countries in the world. Why are their socialist policies screwing them so bad?
June 15th, 2009 at 11:11 am
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June 15th, 2009 at 11:10 am
The stereotype of conservatives not being funny is tired. It’s just a tactic to make it seem like being a liberal is part of some cool club. We get it. You’re progressive! You’re fun! You drive a Prius! But no matter how much you may crack me up, I still think your political ideas are wrong. And that’s ok. You think the same thing about my ideas.
Now let’s all pile into a Prius and go on a hunting trip.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Was that supposed to be funny or something? Epic fail.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Dob: You need to drink a glass of SHUT THE FUCCCCK UPP right about now. That wasn’t funny. As a matter of fact, it was probably less funny than watching glenn beck. BORING AS FUCK. Thank you for wasting my time, asshole.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Right wing vs. Left wing. Republican vs. Democrat. Who the fuck cares? Stop being pawns. Look at politics, and decide what is the best option for you and for the country. Be logical. Stop letting the politicians and talking heads brainwash you into swallowing their rhetoric. The Republicans don’t care about you. The Democrats don’t care about you. They care about remaining in power and both sides will sell you anything they can to do it.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:51 am
DOB this was great.
And for all the people reading the comments please don’t absorb or qoute any political knowledge from here. I didn’t know so many ass clowns who watched FOX news came here to jizz all over the comment section with their pent up anger and criticism. Buy yourself a beer Dan, this fucking ruled.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Do you not see that you are propagating the exact kind of predjudice that you purport to be protesting?
Lol P words. Poop.
Hamsterfist Says:
If any comment below contains the words “I am a fox news watcher……” feel free to ignore what comes after. This person is clearly un-educated and is easily brain washed. Regardless of what follows those words. Being detached from reality and an insistance on being right, does not make your opinions correct. Please republicans, go read “What’s the Matter with Kansas?” by Thomas Frank. It’s ok to put down Ann Coulter and read something by the opposition, I won’t tell anyone. (I promise) For godsakes do it, I read conservative books, and they haven’t corrupted me yet. Just given me a better understanding of what you lunatics believe in.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:48 am
“This is a comedy site. People read this site to get some laughs, to enjoy themselves. If you didn’t like an article, then don’t read it. Go elsewhere.”
See there! Something both a right-wing, gun-clinging nutjob and left of center tree-hugging, card carrying member of “Them” can agree on. Well said vdel.
Thanks Dan from someone that actually, “Got it.” But if you had written about Bill O’Reilly I bet you could have gotten a actual fist fight to break out in the comments section. Just sayin’.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Sheesh DOB… sure brought out the crazies. Your article was pretty funny but not as funny as people actually thinking they are making valid political arguments while posting on Cracked.com… or anywhere else on the internet for that matter.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Hey, Hamsterfist, I’m going to ruin your fucking day.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090608/sc_livescience/peoplechoosenewsthatfitstheirviews
Quote, motherfucker:
“People with stronger party affiliation, ***conservative political views,*** and greater interest in politics proved more likely to click on articles with opposing views, according to the Ohio State study. ”
That’s right, piss pal, the evil Rethuglicans are more likely to research and consider the views of their opponents.
But why bother thinking outside the box when everybody you know is a nice, proper-thinking progressive? Just declare your opinions as fact and ignore any replies!
June 15th, 2009 at 10:42 am
I’d also like to add I think that you should do more articles that piss off retarded fox news watchers. (See Below)
June 15th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Fuck this ale douche- Below me (blow me). This shit was hilarious. Glen Beck is a fucktard and so is this guy.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:39 am
…huh. Strange to see so many detractors; I really thought this was one of your best articles, DOB. “…went on to clarify, saying ‘Rape rape rape’”" had me laughing aloud.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:38 am
stephen: i really hope ur not serious cause if you are, you are a fucking moron. in just a single sentence you established that a. you know nothing about US history b. you don’t know what wikipedia is c. you probably can’t read
since DOB said Theodore Roosevelt not Franklin Roosevelt (FDR) FDR was the one in a wheelchair and the guy who came up with the New Deal. Teddy spent the end of his badass life killing everything in Africa that was covered in fur. So read a fucking book dipshit
June 15th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Also:
@stephen
“That would be that New Deal Teddy(tm) comes packed with a wheelchair, a radio, and a snazzy afghan and is definitely NOT the same president that could have, in all likely hood, stomped the shit out of Chuck Norris.”
lol wut?
June 15th, 2009 at 10:37 am
And another reply to the “there are no funny conservatives” trolls below, I remember Jerry Seinfeld admitting to be a fairly serious fiscal conservative in an interview he did after his show ended. (He IS a Jew, after all)
But the thing is, during its run he deliberately avoided dumping his politics into the show so as not to alienate half his audience… Unlike the Cracked editors, who assume everyone in the world worth talking to thinks like them.
And Hell, Kelsey Grammer is a vocal republican, but never used his comedy to preach about it.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:31 am
To be fair, this wasn’t the funniest article I’ve ever read, but I still found it enjoyable. It’s always a treat to read good criticism/ridicule, and I think it was done well here. Keep up the good work, DOB.
P.S. You really want to start a controversy? Write an article about the lunatic indoctrinators of Jesus Camp AND the conspiracy-loving lemming theories of Zeitgeist. I will love you forever.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:30 am
wow, there are a lot of comments on this story.
i think this must mean that we are having a ‘good, vigorous exchange of ideas’ and learning from each other.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:29 am
If any comment below contains the words “I am a fox news watcher……” feel free to ignore what comes after. This person is clearly un-educated and is easily brain washed. Regardless of what follows those words. Being detached from reality and an insistance on being right, does not make your opinions correct. Please republicans, go read “What’s the Matter with Kansas?” by Thomas Frank. It’s ok to put down Ann Coulter and read something by the opposition, I won’t tell anyone. (I promise) For godsakes do it, I read conservative books, and they haven’t corrupted me yet. Just given me a better understanding of what you lunatics believe in.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:28 am
vdel Says:
“Okay, so I’m one of those right-winged, gun-clinging nut-jobs. ”
Maybe. Or maybe you’re a left-winged hippie pretending to be a right-winger in order to yell “SHUT UP” at people with opinions different than you.
Welcome to the anonymous internet, fuckwad!
June 15th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Glenn Beck Sean Hannity Bill O’Reilly(hard Journalist) ‘wow’ are very easily being paid millions to basically lie and create and illusion that is purely based on cash for themselves and the network. Great work here. Beck’s Rape fetish, Hannity’s Frotting addiction and O’Reilly’s penchant for bestiality(see Montel Williams show) should be on public view at all times.
Free the Titties
June 15th, 2009 at 10:28 am
I was going to say that I don’t think DOB was criticizing the right wing as a whole, rather he was moreso criticizing Beck’s methods. However, DOB beat me to the punch.
Also the comments section Godwin’d really fast on this one.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:27 am
YES!!!!
This was amazing. Outstanding work, DOB!
June 15th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Not funny man. You’ve screwed up Cracked.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:26 am
I think the point of this article is: stop caring about Glenn Beck, he’s a douche who deserves neither your attention nor money.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Holy shit, this article sucks donkey balls. Who gives a damn about glenn beck. This is like a cracked booby trap. Now I know I cracked is no longer a safe place to escape from all the political faggotry. At least i can avoid Dan’s articles. Seriously Dan, I guess this article is about some douchebag being not funny… Yeah. I guess you sort of got a double whammy there.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:23 am
As much as I enjoy breeding kindergarten racists and rapists of all ages, I would like to point out that the normally highly motivated cracked.com fact checking staff (read bored ass interns) missed a little something. That would be that New Deal Teddy(tm) comes packed with a wheelchair, a radio, and a snazzy afghan and is definitely NOT the same president that could have, in all likely hood, stomped the shit out of Chuck Norris.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:22 am
*fucktards’
June 15th, 2009 at 10:22 am
I’d never heard of Glenn Beck. I checked his website and couldn’t find any jokes. It was so weird. The word “comedy” was everywhere, but nothing was funny, or I just didn’t get it.
This article was worth the wait. I’ve been annoyed with jokeless jokes for a while now (made by friends/family), but have not been able to articulate it. I always feel like I missed something somehow, but now I see that I didn’t miss anything, there’s just not really a joke there.
Jesus, then why ARE people laughing? The answers I can think of are a little unsettling…
Also, the 5 most Badass Presidents is one of my favorite articles EVER on Cracked (didn’t realize you’d written that one!).
June 15th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Dear god, how I pity DOB for having to read all of these fucktard’s comments.
I’m sorry.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Coachfinder makes some really good points, and…oh wait. Not true. (S)He’s just really angry.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:21 am
I expect better of Cracked. This wasn’t funny; this was shitty political humor and made me smile about as much as, oh, Glenn Beck’s comedy tour. Putting this article up on a comedy website was equally ballsy as the name of his tour. Yes, I disagree with about 80% of what you said (TR was a terrible president who actually set many of the precedents Bush used), but it wasn’t funny no matter how you looked at it. I suppose you could say it was ironic, that you made jokes as terrible as his and often along the same lines, but that’s just a lazy cop-out. Let’s not insult the joke “lol socialist” with the joke “lol neoconservative”, alright?
June 15th, 2009 at 10:20 am
@ozy-
The people who can do that are our representatives. They create policies. I can’t walk into my capitol building and fire people who are just taking up space or tell them how to do business.
I think the main problem in govt efficiency is that it can afford to be inefficient. All they have to do is tax people more or go to the pinters if they start to run out of money. That’s the great irony I think in the whole, “the weathy people are bad” POV. The wealthiest entity of all is the govt! The govt doesn’t appreciate it because it doesn’t have to do anything to earn it’s wealth and it’s wealth will never be taken away.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Okay, so I’m one of those right-winged, gun-clinging nut-jobs. I’m clearly far more right-winged than the majority of the readers of this site (not too surprised about that… what else is new). I’m still a regular reader of the site. I also did not vote for the current president. I voted for “the other guy”.
That said.
What. The. Hell.
This is a comedy site. People read this site to get some laughs, to enjoy themselves. If you didn’t like an article, then don’t read it. Go elsewhere.
This is getting embarrassing. Christ.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Coachfinder: The notes were obviously done in MSPaint and were a part of the joke. Calling him 3rd grader? Classy. I mean, they were obviously meant to look stupid, or juvenile, so making that your point of attack (even as a joke) just makes you an asshole.
I might have considered your comment more if you didn’t have such a horribly stupid sense of humor.
times I’m a douche: This is a good comment, and as a support, there are actual examples of this in the world that seem to be doing just fine.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:16 am
@IrishLadie
Your comment about people claiming we are socializing is right on. It angers me.
The only thing that angers me more is calling the Soviets Socialists. They were socialists in name only. What they actually practiced was State Capitalism (The Soviet Government controlled production for the benefit of the Soviet Government, just like Business Owners control production for the benefit of the business owner). I could call myself God, that doesn’t actually make me God. I just wish people would learn more about the topics they hate so much, before spouting off with their rants.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:15 am
@ Jeremiah
Then do something constructive like trying to make the government more efficient.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Nothing like vague, ambiguous threats from an emotionally-disturbed red-blooded American to wake you up in the morning!
June 15th, 2009 at 10:14 am
@ coachfinder- bastardizing seems to be a fairly common thing. o’brien bastardizes websites. glenn beck bastardizes history. you bastardize comment boards with your dumb opinions. even i am bastardizing the english language at this very moment by refusing to use capital letters. i say, let he who is without bastardizing throw the first stone. bastardizer.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:12 am
@Coachfinder:
Turn around your pointed finger and do something constructive with it… like sticking it up your ass. The man has an opinion. Don’t like it, you can go elsewhere.
See, this is called having an opinion; not forcing you to actually do anything.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:11 am
I found this humorous
June 15th, 2009 at 10:10 am
@ozy-
There’s good reason to distrust the government. It’s highly inefficient, and efficiency is what makes a strong economy.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:07 am
everyone does realize that we are already a socialist country right? the fact that we have the us postal service and police departments and fire departments and libraries etc. all paid for by taxes is socialism. it’s everyone paying for services that the public uses. this whole conception that the neocons have of evil socialism is from the fact that they distrust the government and are afraid of seeing institutions in the hands of that scary gov’t.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:07 am
@Al-
It must burn your ass that GW Bush did more than any other president in history in regard to Africa. Strange for someone who supposedly “hates black people.”
Also, did you know that Kurds are Muslims? Did you know that Kurds *gasp* welcomed the US in Iraq? I wonder why? I bet it has something to do with genocide… yeah, that’s probably it.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:02 am
“TheTruth” is a spammer. He must be, because of this line:
“…improving education (even though we have a great educational system)…”
Didja notiss teh grammah phaylezorz? Oh, and the rest of the fail. Conservative ideas about life basically boil down to “I support freedom, which means taking away the rights of others who aren’t white, Christian, male and poorly educated. I use words like ‘liberty’ all the time, but support measures that ban dancing on tables and swearing in local referenda. I hate black people and Muslims, but I wouldn’t say it. About the first group. *ahem* Also, Jesus is coming back, and Obama’s the anti-christ. I love free markets, except when they allow non-white people to get jobs, and when white Christian Americans lose them.”
It’s a wonderful belief system if you can get around all the massive holes and logical flaws inherent in it.
Glenn Beck is also a fucking idiot.
June 15th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Oo-err,Coachfinder’s a bit upset (: Calm down
June 15th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Also, about the first line: Thursday was June 11th. The 12th was Friday.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:55 am
I am so not reading the comments below mine. They look so damn boring.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Nuff said.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:54 am
@Irishladdie-
“The thing is, we now have uneducated white male Neo Cons opening fire in museums and in immigration centers”
Uhh… the dude at the museum hated everybody. He was anti-Fox News and even had Bill O’Reilly on his shit list. Just saying.
I also don’t agree with the idea that Dems represent everyone else. Like I said before, when the cost of business goes up it ALWAYS passes on to the consumer. That’s why I hate the anti-wealthy propaganda. Believe me, I’m not rich. I make 30k a year and have a wife and daughter. But I know people who are rich and have owned companies. I don’t envy them one bit. Too much “hustle and bustle” for my way of life. To get wealthy you almost always have to put your career ahead of many other things in life, and I’m not willing to do that. I work to live, don’t live to work. That being said, I believe in fairness. To me, govt fairness means being treated equally across the board, regardless of your financial situation and I really do think it’s dumb to tax wealthy people and business at a much higher rate. People hate the Bush tax cuts, but the reality is they sped up economic growth, created jobs, increased production, increased consumer spending, and overall helped the economy. They weren’t to blame for the mess we’re in now, that had more to do with financial policies regulating banking. That’s why Obama has kept them in place, even after railing against them during his campaign. In business, the less the govt gets the better for our economy.
Wall Street crashing wasn’t ever blamed on Obama. Not sure why you say that.
I also want to point out that you made my point about economics vs social issues. You railed against social policies (alleged racism, homophobia, abortion, etc.) which really have nothing to do with the economic climate we’re in now (unemployment above 9% after Obama said 8% would be the worst it would get if we passed his stimulus). These are people losing their way to make a living, which in my mind is more important than govt recognizing whether or not a gay couple can be called, “married.” Nothing practical changes between them whether they call themselves married or not, but losing your job has some major practical fallout.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:50 am
WOW! O’Brien has bastardized a perfectly good website with his own personal polical opinions. What a dipshit. It is perfectly clear that those are his real notes from the show being that it looks like a person with a 3rd grade education wrote them. The parallel being that his notes and his understanding of an economy are no more advanced than a 3rd grader’s.
O’Brien, I think you are better off pretending to be a crew member of the USS Enterprise, writing about Kanye West and Jenny McCarthy. Slightly more up your alley, considering your education maxed out halfway through elementary school.
ATTN Cracked.com Managers…. Isn’t the idea to get more people to visit your website? Letting BS of this caliber grace your normally hilarious site really won’t help your cause… if that is your goal.
ATTN all females and feminine males, be very cautious of O’Brien, he obviously can’t tell the difference when people use the word rape for the purpose of a message vs. the actual condoning of rape. A man of this level of intellect may actually rape you, not out of power or hate, but out of complete adult onset retardation. BE AWARE!
June 15th, 2009 at 9:49 am
To all the conservatives on these comment boards: You are really, really stupid. And by the way, a ha a hahahah ahem ahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahaha
June 15th, 2009 at 9:44 am
@ Kevin
He may not have liked media outlets, but that doesn’t change the fact that seeing those kinds of statements in the mainstream media often serves as a sort of subconscious justification of evil. Glenn Beck actually tried to spin the shootings so he could pass blame on the president, who was making conservative americans “angry and embittered because of his policies, to the point of violence”. That’s fair and balanced journalism for you. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t think everyone who disagrees with the president is racist, I disagree with quite a few of his policies. But get real. Like I said, most of these people (and i mean the audience, although the pundits could be guilty of this too) don’t give a shit about Obama’s policies, or George Bush’s policies for that matter either. The kinds of people who call Barack Obama the antichrist and try to validate his birth certificate probably can’t even name the three branches of our federal government. But nonetheless, radical evangelicals remain FOX’s target audience, because a vote for the republican party is a vote for jesus. Liberals do it too, appeal to demographics that don’t get any real benefits from that way of thinking, but they don’t really need to anymore. You can’t win elections with just the votes of the upper classes, they make up a frighteningly tiny percentage of our nation. Those tax “cuts” john mccain proposed would have been detrimental to people like midwestern farmers and southern small business owners. I live in Georgia. I’ve seen the whole spectrum of republicans. But the religion of the people who are actually in it for the benefits, the logic, the economics, their religion is capitalism, not christianity.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:40 am
Yes we’re moving in a socialist direction, but why is anything socialist inherently evil?
The government already provides a lot of services that we have deemed necessary and inalienable (education, food, postal service). If we assume that Medical care is also inalienable then you have to wonder why we haven’t implemented a national healthcare system already.
Some things just shouldn’t be run by a capitalist system.
Although i’m also wary of a fully government run system. I’d be satisfied with the government playing a regulatory role (moreso than it does now) to ensure that companies play fair ball and that care is provided to those who TRULY NEED IT.
But as it stands, your medical care is almost literally a complete crapshoot. If you’re healthy and well, then its not a problem. You pay for checkups and occassionally a flu vaccine. But if you get in a car accident, if your kid is born with a terminal illness or any of the other random and horrible incidents that could ruin your health occur, capitalism doesn’t give a care. Cut off your foot in a work accident? Well, there are three people in line and only two doctors. Unless you can pay more than these other too (who are nursing paper cuts, by the way) you’ll just have to wait.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Glen Beck is an idiot. He’s not even remotely smart ( though I’m sure his third time going though the 5th grade gave him the barest sense of how to use simple language) but still tries to use the “scare tactics of the top republicans. By “top republicans” I mean those who can shoot lawyers in the face and get away with it. Clearly, in his warped mind, anything that “dares” end the money-grab of the Bush years must be bad.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:34 am
I don’t mind the alarmists that much. As long as they’re around I know that free speech still exists and the government won’t be able to get away with anything underhanded without being spotlighted.
That said, many of them are annoying as hell.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:33 am
@ Kevin
We will be socialist once what goods and what quality we are allowed to purchase is under control of the government. Time and Newsweek are just trying to sell magazines. Providing universal healthcare has nothing to do with socialism either, as it should have been a fucking public service in the first place, not a “good” or “product”. Poor people can’t afford to get sick in this country, health insurance companies are scam artists, and the small range of things they do cover are too specific to be of use to anyone who is actually sick. As far as the banks, they are not nationalizing anything. They are being monitored to make sure they don’t fuck up the world again, but nobody has actually taken control of anything. I love how few people actually know what Socialism is in this country. What we’re doing now is not Socialism, it’s damage control. We’re realizing that fucking corporations shouldn’t be in charge of the things that are necessary to the daily survival of most americans like money and medicine. Would you really rather prefer shareholders interested only in profit be in charge of those things?
June 15th, 2009 at 9:33 am
… then send him a FREE message from NeilsNotes (and God will spare a kitten’s life).
June 15th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Irishladdie727 Says:
Your little response is so incredibly inaccurate that it’s not even funny. The “uneducated shooter” at the Holocaust museum actually hated neocons because he saw them as part of a Jewish conspiracy. James Von Brunn constantly criticized Fox News, Rupert Murdoch, and targeted the weekly standard. But hey, good job on your research.
Of course, if anyone criticizes Obama, it’s because they are racist in your eyes. Maybe it’s his policies that some people dislike. For a far leftist though, I’d imagine it’s very difficult for you to see anything outside the racist prism… identity politics is just part of the leftist game. Toodles.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:27 am
My pedantic friend Seb,
Johnathan clearly wasn’t using the word stereotype to mean tautology in his comment. My comment was in response to his.
Hugs and kisses,
Swaimfan.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:23 am
If I recall correctly, I believe Newsweek (or Time?) had an article that claimed “We’re all socialists now.” I don’t understand how anyone could claim that we’re not at least heading somewhat towards socialism. I think it’s rather difficult to pinpoint exactly when an economy becomes socialist, but if we adopt socialized medicine and the gov’t continues to de facto nationalize banks and basically run a few key American businesses, then what do you call it? We are undoubtedly still predominately capitalist, but that’s clearly changing piece by piece. Glenn Beck undoubtedly overreacts, but we are clearly a more socialist country than we were 20 or 30 years ago.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:23 am
ahaha what a fucking pussy (goose)…like they are going to lose sleep over YOU not reading anymore rofl why don’t you go boo-hoo hoo somewhere else
June 15th, 2009 at 9:21 am
@ Jeremiah
Traditionally, the Republicans have represented the upper class as far as economic views, and the Democrats support the other 90% of the population. In the 60’s “dixiecrats” like George Wallace, stole votes from actually plausible Democratic candidates by running on campaigns of segregation and racism backed up with evangelical social values. The Republicans saw the untapped potential in this demographic, so Nixon and Reagan after him tapped into the “Neo Conservative” base, essentially people who have no idea who they are voting for or why, except that he sure does love Jesus (and very subliminally, maybe even as a facade, but strongly enough for the racists to pick up on it, hates black people). So these “political” pundits are basically recruiting voters who receive no tangible benefit from voting Republican other than the fact that “gays are abominations” and “a women’s right to choose is decided by men” remain federal policies. When Wallstreet crashed, even though wealthy businessmen are traditionally republican, the goal became to blame the black president and his “socialist” policies, so that the populace would be too distracted with subliminal racism again to see the wall of bullshit. The thing is, we now have uneducated white male Neo Cons opening fire in museums and in immigration centers. The Republican propagandists could not have seen this coming, their intentions were innocent enough, but they were still the ones who told people it was okay.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:20 am
God damn it DOB. Just after Seanbaby writes the best article this site has ever seen, you go and do the worst, AND I HAD TO WAIT FOR THIS?! Write about Transformers and dick jokes again or shut the fuck up. Seriously.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:20 am
I’m a capitalist, anti-government, anti-Obama, Fox-news-watching conservative, but I have never been a fan of Glenn Beck. I usually love to listen to the far right pundits, not because I believe them, but because they’re entertaining. But Glenn Beck isn’t even fun to watch. He thinks that going on TV and acting like a child equals “hard political analysis”. Sorry, but it doesn’t. Bill O’Reilly analyzes. Rush Limbaugh is a maniac, but at least he entertains. Glenn Beck… it’s kind of just sad.
Oh, and, for the record, I’m one of the few who ACTUALLY believes in personal rights, unlike the “republicans” who think marijuana is the shit of the devil and gay marriage will turn the streets into communist sodomy orgies, and unlike the “democrats” who believe that everyone else but them is unbelievably retarded and only the government can tell you how to live your lives.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:17 am
“notice how many times they get huge laughs vs. the number of times they get huge cheers. (I’m looking at you, the Daily Show).”
So horribly ironic given the current article and the amount of times the audience cheered for nonjokes.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Wow what a surprise: Cracked appealing to the people on Digg. I can’t imagine why. Is there anyone else from Fox News you’d like to write a few thousand more articles about?
June 15th, 2009 at 9:13 am
@jeremiah-
hey, it’s not an “instant fix”…nothing of this scope can change overnight-it’s about makin sacrifices and looking towards better times -It’s what our country was founded on and makes our country so frickin cool aight I’m off the soapbox Peace yall
June 15th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Its amazing that some people have so little faith in America’s ability to endure. They point the finger at others and claim that they’re ‘unpatriotic.’ Well I for one believe that America can endure whatever any liberal wacko or right wing nut job throws at it. I won’ t sit idly by and let it happen, mind you, but I’m also patient enough to wait for the change. Maybe we’ll elect someone who isn’t a Republican OR a Democrat.
Yet guys like Glenn Beck constantly run around as if the end of America is here. THAT is unpatriotic. That betrays a lack of faith in the American way (whatever that actually means anymore) and indicates how they REALLY feel.
We survived the freeing of the slaves, we survived a civil war, womens suffrage, and civil rights. We survived the great depression, and we survived 9/11. I have a feeling we’ll survive this. And if, despite all our best efforts, we DON’T survive this, the heck I guess it was just our time to go.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Man, fuck Bill O’Reilly.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:08 am
There is this thing going around the Internet comparing Obama to Hitler. I’ve seen it a few times, most commonly as a kind of satirised motivational poster with Hiter and/or Obama in the picture above the large word “Change” over smaller text, the gyst of which is “both these men were elected on the promise of change”. People are so afraid/paranoid/whatever, that they will eat shit like this up without stopping to think for themselves. You know, like how EVERY ELECTED OFFICIAL EVER ELECTED represented change - that’s how they distinguished themselves from the incumbents, to win the election.
Glenn Beck is just another manifestation of this same phenomenon. Americans are nervous about terrorism, their jobs, their mortgages, their health, whatever, and electing a black President (who is, incidentally, way the fuck more qualified than the white clown he replaced) is another change that can be preyed upon by fearmongering CNN types. If anything represents an assault on American Liberty, it’s the people who call the democratic process corrupt and call for tearing down the system because the person elected by that system is not the person they wanted elected. Fuck Glenn Beck.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:08 am
I wonder if Beck was referring to FDR as opposed to Teddy Roosevelt-gee yeah, what an awful president…got us out of the Depression AND helped save the world from Hitler’s Germany…Gosh durn Socialists!!!
June 15th, 2009 at 9:07 am
@Droppo
>The main reason you don’t hear about
>many conservative comedians is that
>most never bring up their politics at
>all when talking about unrelated funny.
Exactly. Dave Barry is a conservative Libertarian, but you’d never know because he talked about exploding whales instead of his politics.
>notice how many times they get huge
>laughs vs. the number of times they get
>huge cheers. (I’m looking at you, the
>Daily Show).
Motherfucker, yes. Every damn time Jon Stewart lets out that asshole smirk the audience loses its shit like Jesus Christ appeared and announced that today was Free SUpermodel Blowjob Day.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:06 am
So are you.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:06 am
Reading the comments is almost as much fun as the article. Almost as it is a very funny article!
June 15th, 2009 at 9:06 am
@ DOB
Nowhere in this article did you not so subtly suggest we should assassinate Glen Beck. This is what I find revolting and parasitic about MOST (not all) neo-conservative pundits. They talk so much about “order” and “freedom”, but they use these people, these often fairly uneducated, isolated demographics of our country. They have them hanging on their every word, and each of those words is subliminally trying to incite chaos. Most of these people are unhappy because Fox TELLS THEM they are unhappy. They have no interest in political debate, no interest in valid arguments against them or in evolving their views as the world swiftly changes. This is because they have no real interest in politics. They are simply propagandists, brilliant propagandists at that, but I’ve yet to see them accomplish anything but slowing progress, nurturing and harvesting the archaic prejudices of people who were never told there were other opinions, and using it as a weapon. To be fair, almost all of the news media in this country have serious problems, but I can’t respect “them” (Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, Anne Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, etc.) until they stop tapping into this primal, uncontrollable rage some people have, simply to fill their pockets with book sales. The recent shooting at the Holocaust Museum is simply proof that they need to stop, they cannot control the lower class white population with their brainwashing anymore. People are acting on their own plans now, and It’s scary. It’s scary how much power our newscasters wield.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:06 am
““Try as they might, conservatives will probably never front a show as good or as popular as “The Colbert Report” or “The Daily Show,”
Actually, they already have shows that are more popular. Rush Limbaugh has a bigger audience than both of those shows put together. Bill O’Reilly does too.
Truth hurts, right?”
And yet American Idol gets more viewers than both of THOSE shows put together. THAT truth hurts.
But I can’t blame you. Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh are just as credible sources for news as Colbert or Stewart. The difference is Bill and Rush take the garbage they spew completely seriously and expect everybody else to take it seriously as well.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:03 am
damn this was boring
June 15th, 2009 at 9:03 am
What have we changed?
So far, all I’m seeing is that we’re tossing money at stuff. Bush screwed up with TARP, IMO. But Obama’s “fix” is to spend even more? Meanwhile, unemployment is still rising and alot of the “stimulus” is creating govt jobs, which drains even more out of the private sector. I don’t know… maybe I’m an anarchist… maybe it’s because I want my own business soon and I’m worried that govt mandates are going to make it even harder to do. I just have a tough time seeing the “change” we were supposed to get.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Mr O’Brian, I love you again. We needed a nonpartisan look at the ridiculous stage show this asshole is playing by arrogantly pretending that his racist, semi nazi-like views are ‘common sense’. As if his dick party didn’t just get raped in an election by a liberal black guy, i.e. the majority of his country voted for this guy. On top of that, just every other country on earth would have voted obama in on a landslide. He’s a sad little man and hopefully part of a dying breed.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:57 am
@ jeremiah-
Thanks to the last 8 years of ‘politics’, if we DON’T do a drastic overhaul starting from the government, we’ll be in the same mess as before…it’s nice to see someone standing up to say that we NEED to change-even if not everyone agrees with everything he says, but then, what politician ever gets that luxury?
June 15th, 2009 at 8:56 am
good article, keep them coming
June 15th, 2009 at 8:55 am
And the took away our FreeTITTIESdom.
The bastards.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:54 am
@Steve
Yeah, I get that it was a joke, I just don’t see why some think it was the funniest joke you guys have ever done. I’ve seen craploads of funnier stuff than that on here.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:50 am
What was the name of Bill O’Reilly’s book again?
Mein Kampf?
June 15th, 2009 at 8:50 am
You know, I think the main problem is the disconnect between economics and social problems between right and left.
Most people on the left scoff whenever a right winger talks about socialism and losing freedoms because they seem to attach those views to personal lifestyle liberties instead of economic liberty. The facts are that we are economically becoming more and more socialist, which means that we are losing the freedom to do business how we choose to do it, and the govt is getting bigger and more bloated. Money doesn’t grow on trees and government is anything but efficient. We are the ones who are having to pay for all this govt growth and no matter what any politician says, taxes will be raised on EVERYONE. The cost of business- ANY BUSINESS- is passed on to the consumer.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:47 am
“But then, modern Conservatives aren’t “conservative” either. Thus the comparison with the Nazis remains valid.”
I agree whole-heartedly. As a libertarian, I routinely find myself disgusted with the Republican party. Bush’s presidency was like getting kicked in the balls for eight years for trusting him to, you know, not expand the power and spending of the government in unregulated amounts.
Sure, I disagree with the Democratic party. They are not fools, or liars, or any of the usual insults people use to put them down. I respect that they disagree with me and people like me. Perfectly intelligent people often come to different conclusions from different stimuli.
But the Republican party should be routinely raped for being such fucking liars. They are not conservative. They are liberal-lite (note that I don’t actual consider liberal a perjorative term, but they do). Sure, I used to consider them the slightly better choice, but what can I say? I hates me a liar. Fuck ‘em.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:46 am
…BIACH!
June 15th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Meant to say LIKES to cram in last post, but that still works!
@Jeremiah-he’s using subtle humor…
June 15th, 2009 at 8:45 am
Hot women need bras. Have you seen what happens to an unsecured pair of DDs after a few months? Chestnuts are not pretty.
What do are care anyway, I am an assman.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:45 am
Another reason why every other columnist is better than Dan O’Brien.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:43 am
Glenn Beck says he does comedy?
Yeah, the same way Fox News lies to cram the phrase “Fair And Balanced” down your throat
June 15th, 2009 at 8:42 am
Dennis Miller is also funny, but he was funnier when he was more Liberal back in the 90s.
I like watching Glenns show sometimes, but I was laughing my ass off at this.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:41 am
-Curmudgeon(June 15th, 2009 at 7:19 am):
==“Amzaing Orgazmo” just reveals what a dupe he is. Nazis were not “conservatives”, they were National Socialists, and they wanted a New Order for the world. Conservatives want to maintain or modify an existing order rather than destroy it. If you actually learned anything you would know that.
Dupes like “Amzaing Orgazmo” would have appeased the Nazis, all the way to the death camps. Dupes like “Amzaing Orgazmo” are appeasing the bloodthirsty muslim savages, the Nazis of the 21st century, right now.”==
——-
Well, writing as one of those “21st century savages”, I agree, the Nazis were not conservative.
But then, modern Conservatives aren’t “conservative” either. Thus the comparison with the Nazis remains valid.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:39 am
To the point about whoring out his book-
I don’t think it’s fair to accuse him of simply trying to make more money. He encouraged people to read it and give it to their friends. Most people in entertainment who want to make money don’t tell people to share their purchases. Remember Napster?
June 15th, 2009 at 8:34 am
@ Crooooow!
1 key difference between DOB and Glenn Beck; Dan isn’t using his position as a comedian as a platform for political pointscoring. If I honestly thought Dan was on the Democrats payroll, I would probably agree with you. But he clearly isn’t. Glenn Beck is a tool of the GOP, and his comedy show is simply a way to drum up grassroots support, and hock his cheesy wares, under the guise of “Light entertainment”.
That, and it was actually pointed out in the article that DOB was using Glenn Beck’s own comedy devices against him.
I liked it.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:33 am
I’ll say this much, as someone with no political leanings, watching people tear each other to bits over pointless political debate is greater entertainment than watching the Cirque du Soleil, a monster truck rally, Classical Spectacular, a Civil War reenactment and a soccer riot being enacted simultaneously with strobes and laser lights whilst DJ Tiesto, a Goth choir and Cannibal Corpse play over each other, on two tabs of LSD and a phial of shrooms.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:31 am
For the record, I WOULD like to say that I’m not surprised that Glenn has a TV and radio show, or a huge following, or several books. This man is genuinely charming and an amazing storyteller. In the second half of his set, at one point he breaks form and just starts telling very well-researched, vivid stories from history and it’s god damn captivating. He also seems like a very nice guy and I even found myself agreeing with him on a little some of his non-political issues.
That said, I still think the way he talks to his audience is manipulative and irresponsible and, in the long run, potentially very dangerous.
@CROOOOOW!
“When Beck made the statements about stupid kids joining the military, he was clearly referring to remarks made by John Kerry in October of 06″
Oh, shit, you’re totally right, that makes total sense. While watching the show, I thought there had to be another explanation because it seemed like such a strange, out-of-character thing to say, but I just didn’t see one at the time. But that makes sense. I think I missed it because a) I wasn’t really a John Kerry fan, so there isn’t much that he said that sticks in my head and b) it was a joke that required a certain degree of thought. Glenn Beck doesn’t have a lot of clever jokes or sly references like that, so I guess I just wasn’t expecting it. Thanks for pointing that out though, it makes a lot more sense now.
Still, here’s another one of your points:
“One of your biggest problems with Beck seems to be what he said about Roosevelt, for anyone with a shred of common sense he is talking about FDR”
While Glenn might have problems with FDR, there’s not a doubt in my mind that he was talking about Teddy Roosevelt in his show. He repeatedly mentioned Teddy by name and was pretty clear on his anti-Progressivism stance.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:30 am
Also, could someone explain why the line, “Now there’s nothing wrong with being white (some of my friends are half-white)” is so funny that several commenters thought it was one of the best lines in Cracked’s history?
June 15th, 2009 at 8:27 am
Ahem,
To all those who say conservatives aren’t funny, Michael J. Nelson, of MST3K fame, is both right-wing and the single most hilarious creature on the planet.
The essential difference between left and right is that the right doesn’t feel the need to inject politics into EVERY damn thing they do. Most of us would rather talk about boobs and awesome things that explode without having to have a deep debate about feminism and the USA’s military-industrial complex. The main reason you don’t hear about many conservative comedians is that most never bring up their politics at all when talking about unrelated funny.
And finally, the next time you watch a left-wing comedian at work, notice how many times they get huge laughs vs. the number of times they get huge cheers. (I’m looking at you, the Daily Show).
Comedians want laughs.
Politicians and preachers want cheers.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:26 am
Mmmm, I love all the hate. Yeah! Let’s have a big ole gang bang of hate rape you fuckers!
P.S. I fuckin hate you!
June 15th, 2009 at 8:26 am
Glen Beck is a moron. Anyone who doesn’t think he’s a moron is a moron. And anyone who thinks he should be president should be killed before they pollute our gene pool with obviously retarded children.
Oh, by the way, rape rape rape.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:25 am
“Try as they might, conservatives will probably never front a show as good or as popular as “The Colbert Report” or “The Daily Show,”
Actually, they already have shows that are more popular. Rush Limbaugh has a bigger audience than both of those shows put together. Bill O’Reilly does too.
Truth hurts, right?
June 15th, 2009 at 8:25 am
America sure is fucked. Hope you’re all enjoying it. Good article, by the way.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:23 am
“I’m sorry, but if i’m interpreting this definition correctly, then the Conservatives are somehow simplifying a conception of all comedy web sites and investing some sort of special meaning in that conception so that they may all hold it in common.”
The conception is that all comedy websites make fun of conservatives.
It is simplified by the term “all,” and the standard is set by the term “comedy websites”
June 15th, 2009 at 8:22 am
Theres nothing wrong with Nationalism, it’s what makes us who we are. It’s what makes us individuals and part of something greater. It has caused wars in the past but we can’t forget who we are, if we do that then we are subject to other nationalist people who seek to destroy us.
I see tons of posts here about Nazi’s and blah blah blah, right wing nuts, blah blah blah left wing nuts. It’s just best to look at politics and decide “What is the better choice that will benefit all of our people in one way or another?”
June 15th, 2009 at 8:22 am
Jesus what a shitstorm o.o Did this happen when DOB wrote about Jenny McCarthy or Kanye West?
I just thought it was funny. (titties) The man is a total trainwreck. Whether you’re liberal or conservative can’t we all at least agree that he is a worthy target to be poked at?
June 15th, 2009 at 8:17 am
As a fairly moderate guy, I try to give all views a chance. I had heard people say they hate Glenn Beck, and I saw the same in some of the magazines I read. These were all liberally biased, so I didn’t think too much about it. Then I saw him on tv the other day.
Hot damn, this man is some sort of insane retard. An insan-o-tard if you will.
I’m sorry you watched this show Dan, I really am. But I enjoyed the article. Glenn Beck supports rape, pass it on.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:14 am
This guy did a HOT sex tape with Aniston?!?! NICE!: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/
June 15th, 2009 at 8:11 am
I have to applaud you for being able to sit through the whole thing, Dan.
I’m pretty sure if I had to listen to Glenn Beck ramble on in an attempt to be funny, my brain would have exploded from the sheer amounts of stupid in protest.
You are a stronger person then I.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Wow, apparently I’m way more conservative than most of the people who read this site. So you know what I mean I’ll tell you that I always figured most of the people who vote democrat to be well meaning fools. I voted against Obama because he’s a socialist. That said:
-The guy who talked about TR advocating big government is missing the point. The conditions for most workers back then were appalling and something had to be done to help it.
-There isn’t anymore wittily bashing the right than there is wittily bashing the left. Most of those people just aren’t funny in general. I’m talking to you SNL and Family Guy.
-Glen Beck IS an asshole. Don’t listen to him, or ANY talking head on tv for that mater.
-The P-Funk is the best party music ever.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:08 am
It is clear now what we must do. We must form a violent and unruly mob to overthrow the oppressive regime and brutally eliminate Glenn Beck in the most humiliating way possible. Possible through the use of Autoerotic Aphyxiation. Then through the use of legislation we can ensure all hot women are barred from wearing shirts and bras so everyone can enjoy freedom.
Oh and there is only one person we can trust to lead us into a bright future. So I may be the first to say we need DOB as president in 2012.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:03 am
Glenn Beck is comedy the same way Larry the Cable Guy is…just a rallying cry for unaware stereotypes.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:03 am
Its wrong to ridicule Glenn Beck for being so radical with the same fervor that he uses to bash everyone else, and also, you deceive your audience just as he does his when you distort the facts. Case in point, When Beck made the statements about stupid kids joining the military, he was clearly referring to remarks made by John Kerry in October of 06 when he said that if you do bad in school you end up stuck in Iraq, which ironically enough, was clearly a jab at George Bush that was spun into what it ended up being. One of your biggest problems with Beck seems to be what he said about Roosevelt, for anyone with a shred of common sense he is talking about FDR, who crafted the “new deal,” which is 90% of what Becks rants are about, here’s a link to make it even more obvious.http://thinkprogress.org/2008/01/15/beck-fdr-was-one-evil-son-of-a-btch/. Cracked has been on a roll lately with great content, but whatever this shit was ruined that. I couldn’t give a fuck less what the Cracked staff’s political views are, just keep writing funny articles, and if you blast someone, make sure you don’t use the same schemes they do to try and make a point. Oh well, I’m sure seanbaby’s article this week will make up for this tripe.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:01 am
“a simplified and standardized conception or image invested with special meaning and held in common by members of a group”
I’m sorry, but if i’m interpreting this definition correctly, then the Conservatives are somehow simplifying a conception of all comedy web sites and investing some sort of special meaning in that conception so that they may all hold it in common.
So if thats a stereotype, then its the conservative’s fault, not the comedy web sites, they can’t do much about it.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:59 am
The thing I find saddest about Glenn Beck’s comedy style is how he dupes his audience into an Us vs. Them mentality and fails to mention that he is a Romulan. A dirty, no-good, xenophobic Romulan.
Look, Glenn, if we need to dip into the Neutral Zone a bit to rescue the USS Adjudicator, then we’re going to. No, it’s not an act of war. No, we can’t explain what they were doing there in the first place. We’re in space, man. A billion light-years separated us only yesterday. How can you expect us to know everything that’s going on. Just let us save this bitch and let you and your backwards empire get back to the rape.
Everything stated above is 100% fact.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:58 am
This was pretty humor light and didn’t have an awful lot of quotes to seem really accurate. Although I’m not a fan of Glenn Beck and I am liberal leaning myself, the bit about rape just seems not right.
But it’s alright. Most politically themed comedians are shit anyway. Bill Maher is pretty terrible.
The best political comedians are Congress anyway.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:57 am
First Gladstone and now you, If you are going to alienate half the nation at least make it funny enough for everyone to laugh at, otherwise you start to lose a large chunk of your audience. It’s too bad that there are so many people that have hatred for people that don’t have the same opinions.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:56 am
As someone who is generally conservative, I feel I should point out that hating Glenn Beck has much less to do with his politics and much more to do with the fact that he is BATSHIT INSANE. For example:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txPDQ2jNCHk
Stop encouraging him, people!
June 15th, 2009 at 7:55 am
Swaimfan here is the first definition I came to at dictionary.com for the way you and Daniel O’brian used the word stereotype:
“a simplified and standardized conception or image invested with special meaning and held in common by members of a group”
Yes, blacks eating kfc is a stereotype, but so is blacks having darker skin. The simplification lies with the word “all” rather then listing the specific blacks that aren’t dark skinned, like the names of every black albino or light skinned black there is. The standardization lies with the darkness of the skin.
So that clerk not wanting to be robbed and calling security on a crazed customer would fit the simple standard that no store clerks want to be robbed or deal with crazed costumers. It is a stereotype, not a popular one, but it is one.
And cracked making fun of conservatives would fit the simple standardization that all or most liberal comedy websites make fun of conservatives…that’s how it’s a stereotype.
please, if you’re going to choose one word for the basis of an argument be sure you know the meaning of the word.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:49 am
Swaimfan = win
June 15th, 2009 at 7:47 am
I’ve noticed that it’s only DOB’s articles that get the mammoth essay-length comments.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Richard,
The reason I commented on that particular misspelling was because he told a previous commenter that “One day he would learn how to use the english language”.
He couldn’t even write “herding” correctly. How dare he comment on the use of the english language.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:46 am
@.Li.
I do like titties. But go back and read DOB’s article on trying to attend the “Watchmen” premiere and then tell me how funny the above column is in comparison.
Also, I took no offense to the subject matter whatsoever. But from the comments, I can see that I would have found it funnier if I hated Glenn Beck. Frankly, I couldn’t give a shit about the guy; one way or another.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Even if you wrote a comment to say how unfunny the article is, you’re still increasing the pageviews for the article which in the end is all Cracked cares about. Think about that. your very presence on this page right now is showing support for what is written within.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:41 am
I loved your comment durrck. You’re right of course. This wasn’t a humorous article. But it was one I read with complete attention all the same. The man that has the name Glenn Beck, that has a TV show and book out (now I know) is just plain crazy. So any article articulating why that should be is needed. The man is so crazy, it becomes near impossible for even well established comedy writers to come up with material. Most are left in stunned silence. DOB had little other choice than to just present the facts and hope we know that his next article will be funny.
The reason I’m such a big fan of yours durrck is because of the spy comment. I’d love to see that film. Glenn all wide eyed and crying about “them” while he’s trying his best to calm his breathing to take the shot. Actually it might be best to let you make up your own spy situation and put Glenn in there. The only bad thing? You totally lost me on the candy cane wang. Good luck with that!
June 15th, 2009 at 7:39 am
I’ve never heard of glenn beck before, but thanks to you DOB, I will never accidentally stumble upon his stupidity. Thanks, I owe you one.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:37 am
Your all a bunch of tards… Why are you listening to a reformed alcoholic? I’m happy that he is not anymore but he went down that road in the first place. His brain has to be misfiring on some levels. But what is funny is that you sheeple still listen to him. Stay away from all media outlets. Make your own judgements about what you think.
The old saying is believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see.
I won’t comment on the state of the economy/administration because what good will it do. I’ll just fight to get through it and hope my children have it better than I will after this. Isn’t that the final line? were all humans in the end.
I will comment on some of you flaming f-tards.. for instance look at this..
“TheColiseum Says:
June 15th, 2009 at 7:09 am
To Matt:
“Perhaps when you grow up you’ll learn how to properly use the english language.”
“hearding”
Ironic”
How petty can you be to insult someone’s spelling? Contribute you freaking cancer or don’t bother.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:36 am
@The Cerberus
You seriously couldn’t laugh at ANYTHING in this article? Even the titties?
I’m guessing either
A) You were offended in some way, which is understandable
B) You need to grow a sense of humor.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:35 am
Don’t you love it when Glenn Beck talks about something the Democrats did and he just can’t even complete his sentence because he’s laughing so hard because it’s just so god damn ridiculous and how could anyone possibly be a Democrat?
Fuckin makes me want to punch him.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:34 am
DOB: Please proceed immediately to the nearest dick and eat it.
And (media-douches aside), next time, try to inject a little humor into your article. Some of us just come here for a laugh.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:32 am
Also, republicans are similar in their ideoligcal belief in nationalism (although the Nazi’s took this to the extreme of Fascism) while the Democrats are similar in their skeptiscism of unregulated economy and affinity for big government.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:29 am
I think some people are forgetting that Beck is a complete moron.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:28 am
@John1977: Just what are you implying by saying Hitler and Mussolini “admired” FDR?
June 15th, 2009 at 7:27 am
Why can’t we all just be moderates?
June 15th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Nazism is socialist in name only. I don’t think Hitler’s Germany is what Marx and Engels had in mind.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:25 am
Amzaing Orgazmo,
The Nazis were socialist progressives, Both Hitler and Mousillinni admired FDR, a progressive democrat. Please educate yourself.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:25 am
@Curmudgeon: You are correct that Nazis were NOT conservatives–not by any stretch of the imagination. (However, I would have phrased it a bit more politely, but that’s just me. . . .)
Anyway, the whole left/right issues is b.s. anyway. The true political spectrum is better summed up in a chart developed by Jerry Pournelle in the early 1960s:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pournelle_chart
June 15th, 2009 at 7:24 am
orgazmo: “Look up Nazi you fucktard, and tell me that they weren’t conservatives who were responsible of the deaths of millions.”
… you DO know that “nazi” stands for “national socialism”, right?
June 15th, 2009 at 7:22 am
@Esmoreit: Rated better by whom?
June 15th, 2009 at 7:21 am
Hooray for name-calling and impotent threats! What a delightful place this comment section is!
June 15th, 2009 at 7:19 am
“Conservatives need not be funny because the liberal ideology is a joke”
Besides missing the entire point of the post, you have added absolutely NOTHING to this or any discussion. Congrats.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:19 am
“Amzaing Orgazmo” just reveals what a dupe he is. Nazis were not “conservatives”, they were National Socialists, and they wanted a New Order for the world. Conservatives want to maintain or modify an existing order rather than destroy it. If you actually learned anything you would know that.
Dupes like “Amzaing Orgazmo” would have appeased the Nazis, all the way to the death camps. Dupes like “Amzaing Orgazmo” are appeasing the bloodthirsty muslim savages, the Nazis of the 21st century, right now.
YOU are the “fucktard”, and you need your mealy mouth and brainwashed skull bashed in, just to get some of the crap out.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:18 am
Glenn Beck’s brand of conservatism really sounds a lot like the dark side of the Force…
June 15th, 2009 at 7:17 am
Oops–I started to make an analogy to “Jesus and the apostles” in the last entry, but thought the George Clinton one would be better. I just missed deleting the rest of that thought. My bad. (I can’t believe I just typed, “My bad.”)
June 15th, 2009 at 7:17 am
It surprises me there is up to this moment only one person talking down on socialist healthcare making it go down the shitter. It’s funny because all of Europe has socialist healthcare and it is consequently rated better then US healthcare..
June 15th, 2009 at 7:16 am
Freelance Angel,
re: #4: There’s no such thing as “conservative humor.” Doesn’t exist. The right is utterly incapable of comedy, and I think most of them would agree. Conservatives aren’t joke-tellers, and when they’ve tried to force it, the results have been abysmal. See Glenn Beck. See post-9/11 Dennis Miller. See “The Half Hour News Hour,” which was the worst fucking thing ever shown on TV.
The fundamental difference here is that liberals, in addition to wittily bashing the right, possess the ability to be self-deprecating. Some of Jon Stewart funniest jokes of the past decade have been about the various ineptitudes and inadequacies of the Democratic Party. Liberals like to laugh, and about half the time, it’s at themselves.
Conservatives, on the other hand, can’t take a joke — and they sure as hell can’t make them.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:15 am
@Tuckason: Glen Beck WAS referring to Teddy Roosevelt. TR–badass though he certainly was–was an advocate of Big Government, and it was he and his administration that was really the starting point of the bloated bureacracy that we have today.
As far as this article is concerned, I’m not really sure what was so funny about it. It sounds a lot like something Al Franken would have written–lots of whining, but nothing really funny. At least Jello Biafra (with whom I disagree 90% of the time) is hysterically funny in his observations, even when (again, 90% of the time) I don’t agree with them.
As for the charge of racism, that’s complete bullshit, Dan, and you know it. First, what “occurred in November” was the far-left victory, which means that government will grow EVEN FASTER than it did under George Dubbya. (In fact, on this morning’s program, Beck said that the ONLY difference between the Bush and Obama administrations was the speed at which the government is expanding, NOT the direction it is headed.) The occurrence in November to which he was referring was NOT about a black person being elected president. (Actually, he’s half-black, half-white, as if it really matters.)
Saying that one admiring the “Founding Fathers” is the same as being racist is akin to saying that admiring Jesus and the apostles is the same as saying that one admiring George Clinton and Parliament/Funkadelic is racist. I mean, come on–so the Founding Fathers were white? So what? They still gave us the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. And Parliament/Funkadelic are all black? Again, so what? They still gave us One Nation Under a Groove! It’s all good.
Can’t we all just get along?
June 15th, 2009 at 7:12 am
“This article is typical of the liberal viewpoint. We get it, you don’t like Glenn Beck, you’re so hip and cool because you probably love our current president (who is looking worse and worse everyday) Liberals love to insult conservatives because if they looked in the mirror they’d see their ideology is built on basically nothing. Global warming (false), improving education (even though we have a great educational system), raising taxes (we’re in a recession) oh and “socialism.” Now, before you liberals get all mad “obama’s not socialist! GAWD!” well, he took ownership over GM. Thats called socialism. Look it up. You all are idiots. Have an awful day.”
This comment is typical of the conservative viewpoint. We get it, you don’t like being made fun of, you’re so wise and experienced because you probably love criticising our current president (who is doing a fine job unless you’re of the conservative persuasion). Conservatives love to insult anybody who isn’t a conservative because if they looked in the mirror they’d see their ideology is built on vague self aggrandizing beliefs rather than fact Denying global warming (Pretty well proven, and even if its false why not work for a better environment), not improving education (Even though there is ALWAYS room for improvement), Lowering taxes (for the wealthy).
Now, before you conservatives get all mad “obama is a socialist! horrors!!” Well explain to me A) Why is everything socialist automatically bad (you know, things like social security, The United States Post Office, all those little services the government offers) and B) do you honestly believe that America is going to turn into the next U.S.S.R? Look it up, thats called alarmism. You all are entitled to your own opinion, but God why can’t you back it up logically? Have an nice day.
P.S. The fact that you would be arrogant enough to name yourself ‘thetruth’ also says a lot about you. You’re only hurting your own cause. There are a lot of better ways to win hearts and minds.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:09 am
To Matt:
“Perhaps when you grow up you’ll learn how to properly use the english language.”
“hearding”
Ironic
June 15th, 2009 at 7:08 am
To Curmudgeon:
If I remember correctly, people that want others to die are also Conservative. Look up Nazi you fucktard, and tell me that they weren’t conservatives who were responsible of the deaths of millions.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:06 am
Swaimfan, I laughed harder at your comment than I did at the article. That being said, the article rocked!
June 15th, 2009 at 7:05 am
lottalaffs:
Conservatives need not be funny because the liberal ideology is a joke
June 15th, 2009 at 7:02 am
Why would someone who believes ridicule is “school yard childish” be reading articles on cracked? Glenn Beck is a functionaly (barely) retarded media whore and somehow has a knack for hearding equally retarded sheep to his “comedy” show. Perhaps when you grow up you’ll learn how to properly use the english language.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:00 am
Loved it!
How dare anyone insult Teddy Roosevelt! That dude was awesome..
But I don’t get it. it’s at the IMAX theatre and you complain about the 15 minute intermission but then say it’s on film, but it’s a comedy tour. My mind is blown. Is it a comedy tour with him driving from city to city? is it a film that he is showing in one city at a time? is he on stage? Is he taping live in the back of the theater and projecting on screen to avoid all the projectiles and bullets? I NEED ANSWERS!!!!
You know, Glenn Beck is a douche but I now love ‘freedom and libertitties’ after reading this article. So thank you DOB for giving me that visual, and thank you Beck for putting that out there for DOB to pass on.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:00 am
The ending is about right. Glenn Beck’s rhetoric is vacuous to the point where, even though you’ve got the feeling of vehemence after hearing him for a few minutes, you’ve got no idea of exactly what to do.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:59 am
I almost lost my shit at “Now there’s nothing wrong with being white (some of my friends are half-white)”. One of the greatest lines in Cracked history, I think
June 15th, 2009 at 6:59 am
Wow Exile, that’s pretty racist you ridiculous piece of shit.
By the by, get it right. Adolf Obama implies that he’s a fascist military dictator, whereas the popular conservative talking point is how socialist he is. Get your juvenile insults straight, child.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:58 am
This was’nt really that funny of an article …I know Glenn Beck ain’t funny …but neither is this article. SO why is this article even here. Just seams like the writer disagree’s with Glenn Beck Politically but lacks a satire other than pot shots? Not well played cracked. Never mind the fact that Glenn Becks silver hair makes him the perfect spy. I mean if the guy had an eye patch he would almost resemble a bond charecter. Bleh it’s kinda like when a band goes political and your like “why do we care how you vote I watched you spray paint your dick like a candy cane and shake it at your drummer during my favorite song last year…clearly you are who I should respond to when it comes to important choices like who I feel should be president.” The only difference is the writer of this article would never be as cool to spray paint his own cock with such vibrant detail as to make it look like a holiday treat with stripes and shake it at his editor who apparently lets crap go through because “hey its just the fucking internet it’s made to waste our time.” Stick to dick jokes it’s a good place to go when ever your going south cracked.. and your fans love dick jokes.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:56 am
Another great article DoB.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:55 am
I’m speaking from experience here, but if anybody has some sort of counterexample feel free to enlighten me, but here’s my honest opinion.
Maybe its just the nature of the beast, but it seems to me that liberals as a general rule tend to be more creative and artistic than conservatives. Liberal comedians are funnier (subjective of course, I guess I should specify it to “liberal comedians make better jokes”), liberals are the driving force behind most of American Culture. Obviously a LOT of it sucks (looking at MTV and shows like “The Hills”) but when you compare that to what conservatives offer, the creativity gap is apparent.
Conservatives, Rupert Murdoch as an example, are good at buying or otherwise utilizing creations of the liberal media for their own purposes.
I guess the upshot of the whole thing is that its really just unfair to the conservatives. They throw their hat in the ring of comedy, and they’ll get completely beaten by people who are better at their jobs than they are. Try as they might, conservatives will probably never front a show as good or as popular as “The Colbert Report” or “The Daily Show,” which will prevent them from attracting young citizens to their ideology, which eventually will mean the death of their party, or at least its slow struggle for breath while on life support in a nursing home.
So they resort to what they have, a (and I use the term LIGHTLY) ‘comedian’ who doesn’t make jokes but instead plays both the fears ego and the ego of his audience to elicit a reaction. George Carlin must be rolling in his grave.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:53 am
for all those posting on how stupid us “liberals” are and how much DOB is either not funny or plain sucks, I challenge you to please defend any of the bullshit that Glenn Beck spews from that shit smelling orifice he calls a mouth. Also when defending him and his viewpoints your not allowed to use conservative buzzwords like liberal and socialist for example, without providing cited definitions.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:51 am
DOB, I would love to know if that brief conversation with the fellow audience member, after the show, actually took place.
I know I sound really gullible, but it had such a ring of plausibility to it.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:50 am
Awesome article DOB
Freelance Angel- *facepalm*
June 15th, 2009 at 6:50 am
I expect better from Cracked than this drivel. Usually, Cracked is damn funny. The top lists are far better and far more intelligent than anything Letterman comes up with.
But “Daniel O’Brien’s” crap is revealing. Besides the dishonesty (as if Glenn Beck really loves rape when he’s actually making a point about what public schools have turned into), Daniel O’Brien and others of the Left hate America.
Reading this screed, Daniel O’Brien can’t get through two minutes of conversation without making some kind of insulting remark about Americans or some self-loathing remark about humans in general. Liberals hate the world as it is, and hate other people. They have their own fantasy of how things should be, and loathe the real world because it isn’t their fantasy.
Think of how often they fantasize about American defeat in Iraq, which would mean the death of millions. You doubt that? Remember how the older ones among them cheered American defeats in South Vietnam and Cambodia, which meant the deaths of millions.
Think about how they prefer plants and animals to people. Think about how much contempt and hatred they have for every aspect of modern American life.
They are pure, distilled evil. They want you to die. And sadly, they are now in control of many levels of government and the media in our country.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:47 am
drummond: because some of DOB’s articles are, in fact, funny, and not politically driven. when a kid shits the bed (or writes a bad article), ranting, roaring, raving, and other alliterative words don’t help the situation, but rather makes you come off as an asshole. rather, show them where they went wrong and hope they don’t do it again, although they probably will.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:46 am
DOB should be canonized or something. and elected president. i mean, he never fought against “them”, his enemies are always clearly defined, like Snake Monster Montana.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:45 am
I read somewhere that the working title for Beck’s “Common Sense” was “Raping for Dummies”.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:39 am
This article is typical of the liberal viewpoint. We get it, you don’t like Glenn Beck, you’re so hip and cool because you probably love our current president (who is looking worse and worse everyday) Liberals love to insult conservatives because if they looked in the mirror they’d see their ideology is built on basically nothing. Global warming (false), improving education (even though we have a great educational system), raising taxes (we’re in a recession) oh and “socialism.” Now, before you liberals get all mad “obama’s not socialist! GAWD!” well, he took ownership over GM. Thats called socialism. Look it up. You all are idiots. Have an awful day.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:33 am
Quick note, there were two Roosevelts. I think that Glenn was probably talking about FDR not Teddy. FDR did a ton to bring us towards socialism to make the depression more manageable for people/keep us from all killing each other for food.
Oh and Glenn Beck is crazier than a shithouse rat.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:31 am
DOB! You rock! This article was awesome! PS. I HATE GLENN BECK.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:29 am
Not funny. More pre-conceived liberal humor mocking the same points, making the same juvenile assesments and expecting everyone to smile at your embarassing antics, which your retarded fans and buddies will, of course, because you are so fucking clever, so witty, and so right on the mark, just like thye are. Whe you grow up, maybe you will realized that RIDICULE is not an answer, it is school yard childish. For now when adults are talking, please, sit down and shut the fuck up becuase you do not understand anything that they are talking about.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:25 am
Swaimfan,
“If they are a liberal cunt sucking (you’ve the soul of a poet)”
Thats A+ stuff there.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:23 am
Wow. Freelance Angel has a tad too much free time on their hands. Congrats on “longest comment I’ve ever seen”. As someone who clearly understands that conservatives don’t like liberal humor and vice versa, why have you spent so much time bashing how you didn’t find this “liberal humor” funny?
June 15th, 2009 at 6:22 am
DOB blows. I really don’t know why they keep this guy on when writers like Seanbaby can effortlessly crank out quality material.
This wasn’t a humor article, it was DOB bitching because people have different views than he does. The only funny line in the whole piece was the title “An Impartial Look”. Oh, I get it! That was the joke!
Please, Cracked, save us the trouble of reading this drivel in the future.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:18 am
Dear SteveHardon,
Eat all the dicks.
Love,
-TC
June 15th, 2009 at 6:17 am
According to Ed Asner’s Wiki page, he is a “prominent member of the Democratic Socialists of America”. That may put Glenn Beck’s panties in a bunch. I just got a funny picture in my head, with Glenn Beck switching channels, and the only 3 things on were Lou Grant, Mary Tyler Moore, and Up.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:15 am
“It’s not so much that Cracked in general is really good at being liberal cunt suckers, it’s that they’re so goddamned stereotypical about it. What, someone on a comedy website likes to make fun of conservatives?! Holy shit! My mind is totally blown right now!”
I’m sorry. How is that a stereotype?
If they are a liberal cunt sucking (you’ve the soul of a poet) comedy website you judge them to be, wouldn’t making fun of conservatives be almost something expected by definition, rather than a stereotype?
Like, black people eating KFC, there’s a stereotype. Black people having darker skin, not a stereotype.
It’s also so ridiculus to put something down because your mind wasn’t blown when that was never the objective.
Are you like that all the time? Complaining about things you mislabel as stereotypes constantly when you don’t get your way?
Clerk: How can I help you?
Johnathan: I want all my clothes for free!
Clerk: But why would we-
Johnathan: Hey don’t you dare question me. The customer is always right you cunt sucker, and that’s me.
Clerk: Sir, you absolutely have to pay
Johnathan: Oh look at that. A store wants me to pay for the stuff they sell. Oh my god, my mind is totally blown!
Clerk: What the hell are you scre-
Johnathan: I’LL KILL YOU!!!
Clerk: I’m calling security
Johnathan: Oh, I see. Calling security when someone makes a death threat? How fucking stereotypical. You fucking whiny liberal bitches, you can shove your gay vegetarian environmental communism right up my fucking asshole, you’d like that queers.
Clerk: Put your fucking pants back on you weirdo.
Johnathan: Why, scared you’re getting turned on? Well tough, you have to shove something in my ass, or these pants ain’t getting back on.
Clerk: I am not going to shove anything into your ass
Johnathan: Please?
June 15th, 2009 at 6:13 am
Hey, Glenn Beck you can kiss my BLACK president’s ASS
June 15th, 2009 at 6:13 am
Wow, that was really not funny or impartial in any way. When you go in to a show with the preconceived notion that it will suck, this is what you get. This is so lame it is pathetic.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:11 am
DOB’s best article ever.
Glenn Beck’s rape town scares me…
It’s the worst theme park ever.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:10 am
3 things,
1. This article was awesome.
2. Glenn Beck is an idiot and the fact that people follow this man even though he has no idea what he is talking about, scares me.
3. Exile, why did you call obama adolf. their are lots of things wrong with that. first adolf was a fascist and obama is supposedly a socialist, thoseare on different sides of the political spectrum. Secondly Hitler used the us vs. them mentality, so did reagan, nixon, bush, cheney, and glenn bitch so check your facts before you post shit retard.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:10 am
Funny how all the Pro-ultra right-wing bloggers are up in arms…like their political mouthpieces aren’t giving the rest of America something to laugh at…
must be nice to be old rich white ‘real Americans’ in their ivory towers that don’t have to expose themselves to the degradation and working conditions that millions of middle-class people live in EVERY DAY
June 15th, 2009 at 6:07 am
Sorry, that should be “constant conflicts”.
I figured I’d be annoying and correct that.
Oh, and Dan, pretty good, a little long there. And some of my friends are half white to! Hell, I’m only partially white myself, haha.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:06 am
I have finally figured out why things don’t change in this country (all represented right here on this response board).
No one can articulate an opinion without insulting or degrading one another. All it is now is contact conflicts and who can sling the most insults in the least amount of time. Hell, if people in either political party would SPEAK and LISTEN (not the same as ‘hearing’, trust me), then maybe this country wouldn’t be in such a shithole right now.
But hey, everyone here is ‘me, me, me’ and what I can do for ‘me, me, me.’
I don’t like Glen Beck, he makes my head hurt from the sheer capacity of his closed mindedness but kudos for attracting an audience willing to listen to him and doing what everyone in America is always striving for, making that dough flow all for themselves.
June 15th, 2009 at 6:02 am
The worst kind of political argument is the kind in a comments section on the net.
Anybody, of any political opinion, can agree on that.
Anyone posting emotional fuelled garbage, laden with personal insults and lacking any structure or proof whatsoever should be ashamed of themselves.
Dan: I like titties (and liberty too, I guess)
June 15th, 2009 at 6:01 am
I remember listening to this guy’s political ranting and raving about how the Conservative Party is SO much SMARTER and WELL-INFORMED than all the other ‘un-educated fucks’ out there (gee, if you weren’t born a rich, white asshole, Fuck you!) at the time he had a spot on CNBC…He must’ve gotten booted off for leering and making rape suggestions at Robin Meade..he’s a lecherous creep
(Oh! Don’t forget to buy his book! That’s $10 down the crapper…I’d rather listen to Bill O’Reilly’s phone conversations with female co-workers…
June 15th, 2009 at 6:01 am
Man, DOB, next time Cracked tries to send you to this kind of BS show for an article’s sake, please just say no. It’s not worth the loss of brain cells just for some laughs. We’ll all gladly accept booby and penis humor if it means you don’t have to endure the torture that is Glenn Beck or any other “pundit” that thinks (s)he can “make a funny”. We’re not worth it. Just say no.
But, in other news, that was a great article and is highly informative as to what a whack-job Beck is.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:58 am
Freelance, the rape thing was a joke. Beck is pro-rape in the same way that the U.S is becoming “socialist” and Pravda is about as reliable a source of news as DOB.
But you obviously didn’t know that.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:54 am
@goose grunman
you arent glenn beck by any chance are you?
June 15th, 2009 at 5:53 am
” I think Goose is a little confused about how long the internet has been around. Perhaps it is Cracked’s fault, for the banner does say that cracked.com has been a humor website since 1958.
Kudos for beating MAD your first year.
Oh, and it is “Maybe” Mr Goose, you inbread douche.”
He is probably referring to when both were publications. At least you know your history.
Also, it is “inbred”. Thanks for playing though, Shakespeare. Fantastic vocabulary.
Im a white, southern, conservative….but I love Daniel O’Brien. Hilarious article.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:49 am
I’m British so I don’t know who this bloke is, but he sounds like an arse.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:44 am
let me put up a disclaimer that i went to the same encore show. i saw what o’brien saw.
wow… so many things wrong here. i feel like a mosquito in a nudist colony. i know what to do, i just don’t know where to start. and yet, if i do put forth any kind of rebuttal of this drivel, i’ll doubtless get a nice mixture of mockery for being conservative and “tl;dr”.
fuck it.
i think i’ve figured out what your initial drawing is. pigs, much like your readers, will swallow just about anything that you throw in front of them, thank you for it, and squeal for more, despite the fact that you just lobbed a greasy pile of horseshit into their trough. you are then fucking the pig, while wallowing in your own deluded self righteousness, with an evil grin on your face. you know what you’re doing isn’t right, but dammit, it feels good, and people will laugh.
1. what are you doing here? mostly lazy, overdone comedy writing. frankly, words like nancy pelosi is a punchline in conservative humor much in much the same was that rush limbaugh is in liberal humor. it pokes at the line of “us” vs “them”. so what? it’s what you’re doing even as i type this when you refer to glenn beck. but i’m getting ahead of myself.
2. regarding pravda. i think it highly ironic that russia has to tell america that socialism doesn’t work and capitalism does.
3. i really don’t knwo where you’re pulling “glenn beck is a rapist”. maybe from the part where he’s reading a letter that politicians read aloud at a budget meeting. for whatever reason, they always say that teachers, policemen, and firemen will be the things that are going to have to be cut, and that rapists will be let out of prison. it’s called hyperbole, but you already know that. you just don’t care, because calling beck a rapist gets the lols.
4. back up in #1, regarding “jokeless jokes”. this is where political humor gets divided. if you’re on one side, the things that the other side do is often funny, downright terrifying, and sometimes both. buzzwords like pelosi, joe biden, limbaugh, george w bush, global warming deniers and alarmists are all great jokes, provided that you’re sitting on the correct side of the aisle, of course. also, the joke that kids will be too stupid and will have to join the military is, of course, a jab at the fact that john kerry said a while back that if you’re stupid and can’t get good grades in school, you end up in iraq. but you already knew that. really, what are you trying to accomplish here?
5. see the above section on political jokes. one side, funny. the other side, indignation.
6. intermission. it’s really not that big of a deal. they were going for the experience of being at the live stage show. they could’ve cut it out. whatever propels your canoe, o’brien. it’s not worth blowing a basket over.
7. the visual aids and teddy roosevelt. i love teddy roosevelt. he’s one of my favorite presidents. that doesn’t mean that he was right 100% of the time, and a move towards socialism is (from the conservative point of view) a very wrong thing. but you already know that.
8. i know that ad hominem, non sequitur attacks are all through the article, but this is where it really comes to a head. believing that the founding fathers were amazing does not, again, lead you to believe that everything that they did was 100% correct. surely, you can’t really believe this, o’brien. when beck says “the unthinkable happened”, he’s referring to the fact that a man that is primarily SOCIALIST was elected, not someone who is black. you’re reading way to far into his comment about undocumented (read: illegal) workers making our (read: american) cars. what is honestly wrong with that statement? but… you already know that.
9. this one was put in to really drive the point home, just to ensure everyone listening at home that you had absolutely no intention of having anything remotely positive to say about the show.
10. the sales pitch. beck wanted to put the book out anonymously, in order that people that have a seething hot hatred for him might actually read it and give it a chance. he also asks that once you’re through with it to give it to somebody else to read, and keep that chain going. the message here was not only “buy my book!” rather to read it and pass it on to your friends, or someone you don’t agree with, but can find some kind of common ground on. reaching across the aisle, as it were. but… you already know that.
11. let me break it down for ya since you didn’t seem to get it. “they” so often mentioned are the people who are trying to take the country that was originally intended to be a primarily libertarian country of “just leave us the fuck alone” and are trying to turn it into a social nanny state. but… you already know that.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:43 am
You know a great thought is that the writer of this article and most of the posters will have shitty healthcare and hopefully die of sepsis from a ruptured appendix because they had to wait too long to be seen by an inefficient federally employed doctor, all the while unable to afford alternative care because of rampant hyper-inflation and taxes up the ass. I’m not white, I’m not a registered republican or particular fan of Glenn but I know Obama will probably turn out to be another Carter but about ten times worse, you condescending assuming idiots that base your decisions on race and emotion rather than history and facts are the THEM in the article
June 15th, 2009 at 5:33 am
Did Glenn have any of those super-funny Letterman child rape jokes?
Humor according to communist libs drive-by media.
Against conservative Republicans = haha
Against Communist Oppressors like Adolf Obama. his Gorrilla wife and ape brats, Screwy & Louie =
Ein Reich, Ein Volk, Ein Obama
June 15th, 2009 at 5:33 am
DOB, maybe you shouldn’t have written this article. I mean most of your audience loved it, myself included, but I read a disturbing comment by GooseGrunman. What I didn’t realize while I was laughing my ass off is that you’re losing the coveted Conservative-Libertarian demographic like GooseGrunman. As you may know, a majority of Cracked.com readers are conservatives, so maybe you should stop writing hilarious articles poking fun of the right wing media so that you can preserve that golden demographic.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:31 am
Oi2dWrld, your a moron.
It has been mentioned MANY times that Cracked was a magazine before becoming a website. If you’re going to insult someone, check Wikipedia first, to know your insults are valid.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:31 am
So when do we see something vitriolically mocking the left’s pundits?
It’s not so much that Cracked in general is really good at being liberal cunt suckers, it’s that they’re so goddamned stereotypical about it. What, someone on a comedy website likes to make fun of conservatives?! Holy shit! My mind is totally blown right now!
Why don’t you stop playing it safe and fucking grow a pair and make fun of your own beliefs for a change, you tiny balding gut-scratching mick.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:29 am
I hope you snuck in to see Glenn Beck. I wouldn’t want him to accumulate any sort of money or mistake your being there as how much people love him.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:18 am
I think hyper-conservatives are still mad that Apollo Creed died in Rocky IV.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:15 am
I’ll never understand the liberty and freedom rhetoric from those aligning themselves on the far right.
Unchecked wire tapping and suspension of your right to Habeus Corpus? Yeah, that’s cool.
Legalized gay marriage, sensible marijuana laws, and socialized health care? GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH, ASSHOLE PINKO COMMIES
June 15th, 2009 at 5:13 am
“So FUCK OFF Cracked. maybe you just don’t like Conservative pundits because they stand at #1 in most cable slots and you’re just a humor site that’s been buttfucked by Mad for 50 years.”
I think Goose is a little confused about how long the internet has been around. Perhaps it is Cracked’s fault, for the banner does say that cracked.com has been a humor website since 1958.
Kudos for beating MAD your first year.
Oh, and it is “Maybe” Mr Goose, you inbread douche.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:09 am
You do realize that there is a guy with actual power in the Whitehouse that’s actually doing a number on you right now…well, you and your descendants for about 10 generations.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/graphic/2009/03/21/GR2009032100104.html
Let’s see…renditions are up under Obama. Two of the largest US auto makers have been nationalized. More troops are going to Afghanistan. We aren’t leaving Iraq for years. Obama is against gay marriage. Wow…sounds a lot like GWB…on crazy pills.
What did you guys vote for again? I hope it wasn’t for change.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:04 am
I fuking agree, to the letter.
But how could you not be forced to leave/ throw something at his hating self indulgent face. I mean, im english, so have incredibly small contact to this arse but he still pisses me off no end
June 15th, 2009 at 5:03 am
DOB funny, Cathaholic not. You struck a nerve there….surprised he/she took some time out of watching fox news long enough to read a lefty pinko commie publication like cracked, even tho Beck is a d-bag no matter which party you belong to.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:53 am
So…progressive-minded people are lambasted for…taking away our freedoms? I’m confused now.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:45 am
Good read man. Thanks for the laughs.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:44 am
“Now there’s nothing wrong with being white (some of my friends are half-white)”
GENIUS
June 15th, 2009 at 4:42 am
Waaait, is this that dude that used to be a newsreader or something? I realise that this may get me laughed off the site but news folks, at one point…i mean they where impartial, right? You cant just….you cant just switch careers so that you can go from one type of prominent figure who’s supposed to be impartial, to another type of prominent figure who is expected to be so Polariffic and single minded that you frighten the living bejesus out of me.
I mean….some of the shit you siad he said DOB, thats bullshit, right? He didn’t say that, not like…actually….did he?!
June 15th, 2009 at 4:35 am
No, we just don’t like conservative pundits that decide a comedy tour is a great place to push their book and make vague political threats instead of actually telling us what we should be doing. They shout down people instead of listening, tell the other people what to say and can’t shut up about socialism, despite the fact that firefighters are a socialist enterprise. Seriously, there used to be firefighters that you hired- if you didn’t pay your fire insurance, they let your house burn.
Seriously, Conservatives need to learn what Socialism means before they badmouth it.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:34 am
DOB you’re my favourite person in the whole world right now, even though you’re white. not that it’s wrong to be white, i had a neighbor whose cousin was married to a white guy and he was alright.
(sorry, i had to do that. i laughed for 5 whole minutes at the “(some of my friends are half-white)” bit)
June 15th, 2009 at 4:32 am
Really? Waited 3 extra days for that? Really? Maybe you should have just not posted this one. Really? Yes, Really.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:25 am
For a long time, I thought Glenn Beck was a TV Character, like Stephen Colbert. However, unlike Colbert, I found Beck to be a completely terrible actor and that someone else should take over his show, probably someone with titties.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:25 am
This made me sick, really. The text is fun, it’s full of jokes but I cannot laugh. I live across the great pond but that people like this actually get such a massive audience scares me. Please white older America, die out soon so you can legalize weed, move without problem to a socialist healthcare program, and be more easily accepting of other races like the youth is doing already!
June 15th, 2009 at 4:24 am
My god, I hate every single ‘personality’ that Faux News has shat out onto television, but Glenn Beck especially. He’s somehow even more of a pompous ass than Bill O’Reilly, and that’s saying a LOT.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:22 am
I have never watched Glenn Beck, I have heard clips from him before, and now this. It sounds like he has an issue of taking the middle-right and running with them to the far-right of the field. Hoodwinking middle america into believing that (1) everything America’s creators was perfect, and (2) everyone who votes liberal LOVES abortion, HATES the ability to own a gun or practice your own religion.
I really hate the public face of the right currently.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:20 am
I liked Cracked before it was political. You’re not funny, and you lose conservative-libratarians like me. So FUCK OFF Cracked. maybe you just don’t like Conservative pundits because they stand at #1 in most cable slots and you’re just a humor site that’s been buttfucked by Mad for 50 years.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:12 am
What the hell? You have to pay to watch TV? When did this happen?
June 15th, 2009 at 4:07 am
<3