The 5 Most Incredibly Detailed Replicas Ever Made by Fans The 4 Most Underrated Feelings in the World 5 Reasons Why Donald Trump Is the Biggest Troll Alive
Cracked Columnists

I Hope She Had A Magazine: The Friday Nooner (EST)!

Well... That's Horrible.

I'll admit it: Sometimes I like to just hang out in the bathroom until well after the... err... how do I put this? Until after the... umm... proceedings have commenced. I don't know if that's supposed to be embarrassing or what, but there it is. When it comes to matters of the bathroom I'm usually not in any particular hurry.

Sometimes I'll send out some text messages letting friends know what I'm doing. "LETZ DOOK IT OUT," "DOOKLEAR EXPLOSION" and "ARCHDOOK FRANZ FERDINAND JUST GOT SHOT" are all popular ones, not to mention "DOOK THE RIGHT THING" and "PLAY ANOTHER SONG ON THE DOOKBOX." When all else fails I'll just go through the contents of my wallet or read the ingredients list on the back of a shampoo bottle. I do all kinds of things when I'm in the bathroom, but here's the important part: eventually I get up and leave. I have other things to do on a daily basis that require leaving the bathroom, and to be honest, as much as I love sitting on the toilet I seriously doubt I'd want to do it all day.

Which is why when I read this article about a woman hanging out in the bathroom for TWO YEARS I was like "whoa." What was she doing in there? Did her boyfriend bring her Sudoku puzzles to solve? If he was a good boyfriend he'd get her a Nintendo DS, or maybe move a TV in there or something. Oh wait - no, that's wrong. If he was a good boyfriend he probably would've been like "Hey, uhh, you've been in the bathroom for a really long time. Maybe you should get off the toilet so the seat doesn't become fused to your body."

I could probably make a joke here about how women always take forever in the bathroom to get ready, but that's kind of a tired and obvious joke, and I don't know how to work the whole skin-growing-over-the-toilet-seat part into it, so I guess I'll just skip that one altogether. Instead, I'm going to end with a question: Do you think the seat was padded? I sure hope so.

  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Ross Wolinsky

  • Rss

More by Ross Wolinsky:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

25 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!