Well… That’s Horrible.
I’ll admit it: Sometimes I like to just hang out in the bathroom until well after the… err… how do I put this? Until after the… umm… proceedings have commenced. I don’t know if that’s supposed to be embarrassing or what, but there it is. When it comes to matters of the bathroom I’m usually not in any particular hurry.
Sometimes I’ll send out some text messages letting friends know what I’m doing. “LETZ DOOK IT OUT,” “DOOKLEAR EXPLOSION” and “ARCHDOOK FRANZ FERDINAND JUST GOT SHOT” are all popular ones, not to mention “DOOK THE RIGHT THING” and “PLAY ANOTHER SONG ON THE DOOKBOX.” When all else fails I’ll just go through the contents of my wallet or read the ingredients list on the back of a shampoo bottle. I do all kinds of things when I’m in the bathroom, but here’s the important part: eventually I get up and leave. I have other things to do on a daily basis that require leaving the bathroom, and to be honest, as much as I love sitting on the toilet I seriously doubt I’d want to do it all day.
Which is why when I read this article about a woman hanging out in the bathroom for TWO YEARS I was like “whoa.” What was she doing in there? Did her boyfriend bring her Sudoku puzzles to solve? If he was a good boyfriend he’d get her a Nintendo DS, or maybe move a TV in there or something. Oh wait - no, that’s wrong. If he was a good boyfriend he probably would’ve been like “Hey, uhh, you’ve been in the bathroom for a really long time. Maybe you should get off the toilet so the seat doesn’t become fused to your body.”
I could probably make a joke here about how women always take forever in the bathroom to get ready, but that’s kind of a tired and obvious joke, and I don’t know how to work the whole skin-growing-over-the-toilet-seat part into it, so I guess I’ll just skip that one altogether. Instead, I’m going to end with a question: Do you think the seat was padded? I sure hope so.
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March 18th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Didn’t her boyfriend need to use the bathroom at some point?
March 18th, 2008 at 10:15 am
@kingmonkey +1; I guess that means I can let go of the universal remote now. Damn.
Also, so much for lunch.
March 18th, 2008 at 12:34 am
Thats why I have a solid gold toilet seat. My butt doesn’t stick.
March 17th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
I have seen an update to this story.
She only sat on the john for about the last month or so. Her skin didn’t grow around the seat; her open sores from sitting too long merely got stuck to the toilet seat in a stew of grossness I don’t even wish to contemplate.
The couple is nonetheless mental for the minor alterations to the story.
March 17th, 2008 at 10:22 am
The real news here is that if you press something firmly against yourself for two years, your body starts to accept it and integrate it into itself…
On a completely unrelated topic, I’m going to need roughly three years’ salary and a badass katana. No reason.
March 17th, 2008 at 7:26 am
It’s monday now, and friday’s nooner still doesn’t make sense. Something in my brain, probably common sense, is preventing me from understanding how a human can do this.
March 17th, 2008 at 12:59 am
@Hoy1229 - CRACKED edited you? Maybe the AV club was on to something!
Offtopic: I wish the AV club was a club of people who wore Aviator sunglasses. Basically a giant gathering of the douchetastic? I feel I would be at home in a place like that.
March 16th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Plus, eating in the bathroom is unsanitary. I hope whatever asylum she’s in now has stricter hygiene.
March 15th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
“children, let me tell you of a dump i once took. oh it was a glorrrious dump!”
dag yo. see. first the chick asks you to do the dishes for once. then she asks you to go to the store and get her some tampons. then she tells you she can’t work anymore and you gotta get a better job. soon, she’ll have no reason to leave the bathroom.
grow some balls, less-crazy boyfriend. look. im sure he’s a nice guy, i mean he cooked her food and probably brought it to her on a mcdonalds tray or whatever, but come on.
whaaaaaaat the effff? the more i think about it, the less i have any clue how this happened.
March 15th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
thats hott.
March 15th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
wow, did this website just edit me?? There was obvoiusly something written in after “Oh my..” It should have said “Oh my (insert diety here)…..”
March 15th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Oh my , must you mention “two girls, one cup” when we’re already trying to wrap our minds around this particular abomination of human life?? Please, I’ve already cried huge ugly sobs over the lows that humanity can sink too, don’t make my brain try to process two at once……
March 15th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
This confuses the hell out of me. Like “two girls, one cup” I can understand. Humanity is morally corrupt/ attention whore culture…blah blah blah.
But this …. I can’t even understand how this could feasibly happen? How did no one notice before then? Was her boyfriend bringing her food? If so, did he not notice he was bringing it to the bathroom? God, I don’t even want to think about this anymore… all of my questions just trigger more questions that only lead to disgusting places.
March 15th, 2008 at 1:44 am
I’m guessing sex (or sanity) wasn’t a big factor in that relationship. She’s going to be doing a lot of praying to the patron saints of hemmoroids and skin grafts.
March 14th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
I honestly am not sure what to think of this story. Is this true!? Where do these people come from? Who in the right mind lets someone they know stay on a toilet for 2 fucking years!!!??? “Sorry, you’ll have to come back later, she’s in the bathroom.” “You’ve been saying that for 2 years!!”
March 14th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
The “Why?” of it all is driving me mad. Thanks Associated Press!
March 14th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Cuckoo’s nest, cuckoo’s nest!
March 14th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
They had the deputy that found her on a local radio station this morning. He described her and her boyfriend as “not all there.” Apparently the boyfriend just took care of her for a long time. Then she started getting sick (probably from the whole skin around the toilet thing) and he called for an ambulance. When they got there she still did not want to leave.
March 14th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
I actually was thinking how any of this could be possible. Surely he could have kicked down the door when he realised HE HADN’T PHYSICALLY SEEN HER FOR TWO YEARS!?
None of this makes sense at all.
what the, grr, arrghhrhrh grrrrrr,
*head explodes*
March 14th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
At least she wasn’t on the couch (like some other lady [always ladies?]). The lady that was stuck on the sofa for (insert amount of time here) had obviously crapped all over herself several times. So this lady was smart… I mean she had sense… some cents; a half penny.
March 14th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Um, why did she have to stay on the actual bowl?
March 14th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Two years is a pretty long time to be shat down. Think she kept a record of how many times she flushed?
March 14th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Is it really possible that the internet ISN’T interested in my bathroom habits?!
March 14th, 2008 at 11:22 am
What? That’s unusual? I’ve been on the crapper for 7 years. That’s why I had someone get me a laptop, so as not to interrupt my time on the throne. (Hey, I just realized that joke works well with my name!)
March 14th, 2008 at 11:19 am
tyte nooner.