I HAVE No Change Jar!
My finacee and I have a big glass jar where we save our change, and every couple of months when the jar is full, we jaunt down to the local Coinstar and marvel at our newfound twelve dollar fortune. Its not exactly free money, but it feels like free money, and the frozen yogurt we invariable purchase with it tastes all the sweeter.
Well, you can call me petty, but finding out that someone just exchanged their collection of 301 pennies for 10.7 million dollars has officially ruined that ritual for me. I loathe my change jar now.
I grimace at it whenever I walk in as if to say oh, its you. I resent its laziness and wonder aloud to people whether its even worth the trip to cash in. What can you buy with twelve dollars in today's economy anyway? I ask pointedly, glancing down at the jar. Sometimes when Im drunk I scream at it to get a job and knock it to the ground, scattering near-worthless nickels everywhere.
Admittedly, the guys penny collection included one that was only minted for two weeks in 1793 because Congress thought Lady Liberty looked frightened, but does that really warrant the exchange of millions of dollars? What service has been rendered here?
The only thing that makes it okay is that the guy was the owner of an aerospace-part manufacturing company. I dont know exactly what that means, except that it means he was probably already rich, so the ten mil will be just as worthless to him as my shiftless, scheming change jar is to me.
If anyone needs me, Ill be scrupulously examining my change trying to find a picture of George Washington looking pensive.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes economically unviable videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
I find myself coming back here a lot to read. I've learned many new things here. Thanks a lot!
ReplyGreat articles & Nice a site
ReplyThanks for posting, i like it. Can't wait to see what you write about. Go for it!
ReplyTrue: WALL OF TEXT! TOO LONG, DIDNT READ!
Replycoinstar!? fuck that that shit takes 10 cents for every dollar you make. go to a bank where the machine's are free.
ReplyAlso, Gladstone - WTF??? Did I miss something on the Arrested Development page or something?????
ReplyJesus, True - I didn't skip lectures today just to read your essay. This is a comedy website for God's sake! Just make a dick joke or two! Nice article, SWAIM (as always).
ReplyTrue...
ReplyIf you change your name to "True Dat!", you can increase your fanbase.
Regards,
Spider Jerusalem
Public Relations Representative for Batshit Crazy Crackpots
"Distribution of Wealth"? You mean someone lets the rest of you have some as well? Dammit! Who's responsible for this? Someone drag my treasury minister out of bed RIGHT NOW! I want an explanation for this.
ReplyAuto Loan...
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I think true might be upset about something.
ReplyDon’t believe one optimistic word from any public figure about the economy or humanity in general. They are all part of the problem. Its like a game of Monopoly. In America, the richest 1% now hold 1/2 OF ALL UNITED STATES WEALTH. Unlike ‘lesser’ estimates, this includes all stocks, bonds, cash, and material assets held by America’s richest 1%. Even that filthy pig Oprah acknowledged that it was at about 50% in 2006. Naturally, she put her own ‘humanitarian’ spin on it. Calling attention to her own ‘good will’. WHAT A DISGUSTING HYPOCRITE SLOB. THE RICHEST 1% HAVE LITERALLY MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. Don’t fall for all of their ‘humanitarian’ CRAP. ITS A SHAM. THESE PEOPLE ARE CAUSING THE SAME PROBLEMS THEY PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT. Ask any professor of economics. Money does not grow on trees. The government can’t just print up more on a whim. At any given time, there is a relative limit to the wealth within ANY economy of ANY size. So when too much wealth accumulates at the top, the middle class slip further into debt and the lower class further into poverty. A similar rule applies worldwide. The world’s richest 1% now own over 40% of ALL WORLD WEALTH. This is EVEN AFTER you account for all of this ‘good will’ ‘humanitarian’ BS from celebrities and executives. ITS A SHAM. As they get richer and richer, less wealth is left circulating beneath them. This is the single greatest underlying cause for the current US recession. The middle class can no longer afford to sustain their share of the economy. Their wealth has been gradually transfered to the richest 1%. One way or another, we suffer because of their incredible greed. We are talking about TRILLIONS of dollars. Transfered FROM US TO THEM. Over a period of about 27 years. Thats Reaganomics for you. The wealth does not ‘trickle down’ as we were told it would. It just accumulates at the top. Shrinking the middle class and expanding the lower class. Causing a domino effect of socio-economic problems. But the rich will never stop. They will never settle for a reasonable share of ANYTHING. They will do whatever it takes to get even richer. Leaving even less of the pie for the other 99% of us to share. At the same time, they throw back a few tax deductable crumbs and call themselves ‘humanitarians’. IT CAN’T WORK THIS WAY. This is going to end just like a game of Monopoly. The current US recession will drag on for years and lead into the worst US depression of all time. The richest 1% will live like royalty while the rest of us fight over jobs, food, and gasoline. Crime, poverty, and suicide will skyrocket. So don’t fall for all of this PR CRAP from Hollywood, Pro Sports, and Wall Street PIGS. ITS A SHAM. Remember: They are filthy rich EVEN AFTER their tax deductable contributions. Greedy pigs. Now, we are headed for the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time. SEND A “THANK YOU” NOTE TO YOUR FAVORITE MILLIONAIRE. ITS THEIR FAULT. I’m not discounting other factors like China, sub-prime, or gas prices. But all of those factors combined still pale in comparison to that HUGE transfer of wealth to the rich. Anyway, those other factors are all related and further aggrivated because of GREED. If it weren’t for the OBSCENE distribution of wealth within our country, there never would have been such a market for sub-prime to begin with. Which by the way, was another trick whipped up by greedy bankers and executives. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. The credit industry has been ENDORSED by people like Oprah, Ellen, Dr Phil, and many other celebrities. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. So don’t fall for their ‘humanitarian’ BS. ITS A SHAM. NOTHING BUT TAX DEDUCTABLE PR CRAP. Bottom line: The richest 1% will soon tank the largest economy in the world. It will be like nothing we’ve ever seen before. and thats just the beginning. Greed will eventually tank every major economy in the world. Causing millions to suffer and die. Oprah, Angelina, Brad, Bono, and Bill are not part of the solution. They are part of the problem. EXTREME WEALTH HAS MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. WITHOUT WORLD PROSPERITY, THERE WILL NEVER BE WORLD PEACE OR ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE. GREED KILLS. IT WILL BE OUR DOWNFALL. Of course, the rich will throw a fit and call me a madman. Of course, their ignorant fans will do the same. You have to expect that. But I speak the truth. If you don’t believe me, then copy this entry and run it by any professor of economics or socio-economics. Then tell a friend. Call the local radio station. Re-post this entry or put it in your own words. Be one of the first to predict the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time and explain its cause. WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.
ReplyMike, this was hilarious. Nice job.
Reply...
You should make all your blog posts funny.
anti-simitism Gawd, hahahahahahaha!!!!!
ReplyMonkeychucker? I'm detecting some anti-simitism.
ReplyGod Save the Queen and her superior system of currency. I'm going to learn to engrave just to make monkeychucker counterfeiting plates.
ReplyJesus I want to go to England now.
ReplyIf you save up a hundred cockstoppers you get a monkeychucker note.
ReplyIt has a picture of John Cleese dancing to the Spice Girls in his underpants.
I like to save up my nutflucks until I have enough to change them for a one junkhumper note. You can't buy much with it, but I like the pictures of the monkeys and custard trifles.
ReplyAhh Michael, you've cracked our secret. Pounds aren't our real currency, it's what we use to fool you colonials.
ReplyWe deal in nutflucks. 20 nutflucks to the cockstopper, and 20 cockstoppers to the gigglemonk.
I myself am a gigglemonkionaire.