Robotic Dogs Are Coming To Kill You
Remember when everyone was freaking out about killer bees? Back in the 90s they were the imminent threat du jour, pressing northward in a buzzing swarm of honey, stingers and death. We were completely terrified knowing that these insanely aggressive bees were coming to destroy us all…
And then nothing happened. The killer bees never really showed up (other than in a few parts of the southwest), America turned its attention to other, more pressing matters (like, oh, I don’t know… TERRORISM?), and the vast majority of our great nation avoided the stinging wrath that was supposed to have been the killer bees.
That being said, allow me to introduce you to our latest national crisis. Fuck a bunch of bees1 - we’ve got robot dogs2 to worry about.
Why would the scientific community do this to us? Don’t we already have enough to worry about in the world without robot dogs running around our forests, adding knowledge to their AI databases until they’re ready to come kill us all with ruthless efficiency? What possible reason did scientists have to create such a thing? I can only come up with a few possibilities:
All perfectly valid, but none of them really do anything for me. The only benefit I get from this development is that I now get to live with the knowledge that there’s a robot dog out there somewhere; one that can almost certainly outrun me on pretty much any type of terrain. Thanks, scientists.
1 Warning: Do NOT actually attempt to fuck a bunch of bees.
2 I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that there’s a “Robot Dog” wikipedia entry.
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November 26th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
plan to defeat robo dog invasion:
1. push dog over with foot from broad side
2. light a ciggarete, watch it squirm
3. go home
November 4th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
am i the only one that laughed at it O.o?
August 28th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Aside from the small detail that this has four legs, I was eerily reminded of the Hunters/Ministriders of Half-Life 2.
Great, suddenly we’re the Combine.
Screw lasers — they’re too expensive to miniaturize effectively right now — I’ll be scrambling for the nearest bomb shelter when they put explosive flechettes on the thing.
Seriously awesome, seriously creepy.
April 14th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
That was awesome shit
MAKE YOUR OWN STICKERS @ STICKERJUNKIE.COM
April 2nd, 2008 at 2:52 pm
That is the most fucking terrifying thing I have ever seen. Seriously, someone needs to destroy that thing, or I will never sleep again.
March 30th, 2008 at 8:50 am
Wow…. I might NEVER sleep Again… What a freaking NIGHTMARE! I’m not sure; but I think someone slipped a little nasty somethin’ into my drink.. or was it the brownies? *shudder*
March 25th, 2008 at 12:22 am
Darpa is a pretty cool guy. Eh sows the seeds of our inevitable doom and doesn’t afraid of anything.
March 22nd, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Frightening.
Mechanical.
Expensive.
Complex.
Everything, in a word that’s beautiful about this country (well, outside of forests and lakes and such, but you know what I mean).
Equip that thing to pick vegetables or make beds or push a lawnmower, and you’ve got a real solution to that ‘border patrol’ issue. Of course, you could equip it with infrared sight and a rapidfire weapon and the ability to walk in the Rio Grande shallows and you’ve got a whole DIFFERENT solution—though much harder to explain to Vicente Fox and the ACLU and your undocumented landscaper buddies….
March 22nd, 2008 at 2:43 am
I feel sorry for the man it will have to marry one day.
March 21st, 2008 at 11:01 am
Why is that dude kicking it? Hopefully that thing is intelligent enough to come after only him when it inevitably goes on its vengeful rampage, but more likely it will simply say, “all the bipeds look alike to me”, and eventually snuff out the whole human race. Good job, kicky guy!
March 21st, 2008 at 9:00 am
Terrifying canine robot killing machines are what’s wrong with America.
March 21st, 2008 at 6:07 am
Who knew that Salvador Dali was into Robotics?
That
is
Disturbing.
March 20th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Or Scotch Ross.
March 20th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
The Terminator situation is very plausible. At the rate computers are evolving, it will not be long before they sit up and tell us no.
@ Ross if you don’t wnat to be Cmdr. Ross why don’t you be Scottish Ross?
March 20th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Come on, Ross, do not resign your commission! Our country needs your leadership!
March 20th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
That’s the KGB for ya; always trying to slander American technological marvels. Marvels, I tell you. Why this robot is clearly the next wave in… whatever category it resides in. Next you’re going to point out that this so-called labour saving device still requires a human operator, and probably a robo-mechanic guy of some kind and more or less negate the benefit of having a silly walking robot in the first place.
March 20th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Ok, a couple things come to mind:
First, why are we spending so much money on something that seems to be just as succeptible to things like, oh I don’t know, ICE ON THE GROUND as we are? Shouldn’t we be trying to make superdogs or something? I realize it can self stabilize, which is cool, but come on. Why not something that doesn’t slide around like a goon while trying to regain its balance?
Second, is it remote controlled?
March 20th, 2008 at 11:11 am
As if it wasn’t frightening enough that the military had unmanned flying death dispensers (Predator UAV), remote-controlled machine guns on tank treads (SWORDS), and the ability to explode small dogs and reheat leftovers from a distance (I’m assuming that’s what the Active Denial microwave ray will do eventually), they had to come up with this? Fuck all the other futuristic apocalypse movie predictions; Terminator’s really starting to look plausible, and to make an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie seem like it could actually happen is to spit directly in the face of God.
That being said, if they’re going to start making smaller versions of these with arms that can pick up and carry things, I’m all about getting one because laziness trumps fear nine times out of ten.
March 20th, 2008 at 11:08 am
I’m going to stop calling myself Commander because it’s become apparent I have no military experience.
Also, yes on second thoughts that does seem impressive, maybe the whole ‘walking’ technology is more handy in war situations than tank-treads, once thought to be invincible on all-terrain, barring soft desert sand.
Then again, I wouldn’t know, having had no real military experience.
*cough*
March 20th, 2008 at 9:13 am
I didn’t realize it was on ice until I watched the video again on another website.( THAT HAD A BIGGER FUCKNG VIDEO BTW ) That is pretty impressive. I would still like to see how it handles the desert though.
March 20th, 2008 at 8:55 am
The point of showing the thing stumbling is to show that it has the ability to stumble rather than fall. It has more ability to maintain its balance in difficult situations than a lot of living things do. That is some impressive stuff right there.
March 20th, 2008 at 7:49 am
What was the point in kicking it, and then showing the replays of the kick and slow motion side-stumble? Also why the ice-stumble in slow-motion?
Also, when it slips on the ice and stumbles through the snow I’m starting to think maybe it’s modelled more on two guys carrying a burlap sack than a dog.
March 20th, 2008 at 1:27 am
It’s not a robotic dog. It was designed after a “mule” and originally it was designed as a way to carry supplies over shitty terrain. I read an article about it about a year ago but it seems the video is just finally making its rounds on the internet.
March 20th, 2008 at 1:11 am
Bees Ross?
March 19th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
HOLY CRAPITY CRAP’N CRAP!! That is, without a doubt, the most terrifying thing I have ever seen.
March 19th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Now if Gene Simmons had these babies instead of those pussy little spiders in the 1984 megahit “Runaway”, he would have definitely fucked Tom Selleck’s shit up but good.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088024/
March 19th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
I want one.
That is all.
March 19th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
…What if it’s those “bomb bats” from the Weirdest Armed Forces Experiments article a few weeks back?
Those things were terrifying.
March 19th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
according to the Wikipedia article, this thing IS monted with a laser
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BigDog
March 19th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
When it jumped, it should have had the 6,000,000 dollar man SFX
March 19th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
It’s kind of cute…
March 19th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
That was probably the most erotic thing I have ever seen.
March 19th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
I was already relatively sure that Roombas were the first step towards our inevitable Matrix-like demise via soul-eating robots.
Now, I’m convinced.
Give that monstrosity four more legs and it will be the ultimate amalgamation of every one of my childhood fears.
Please make the buzzing stop..
March 19th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
What if it is 340 lbs. of killer bees to the enemy? I’m sure bee allergies are prevalent all over the world.
March 19th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I got chills when the video mentioned the “payload.” If we’re lucky, the payload is a bomb for the enemy. Otherwise…340 pounds of killer bees!
Also, that guy who kicked the robot dog (and the dog stumbled but did not fall)? His name is Ronald Earnest, and he has since been the victim of a “machining accident,” according the AP. Just saying.
March 19th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
That should enter the World’s Ugliest Robot Dog Championships. I can’t figure out if it would be on Animal Planet or G4…
http://www.fakefuckbuddy.com
March 19th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
robots….
cyber dogs…..
what next, cyber friends…..
HEY!!!!! That really exists!!!!!!
http://www.fakebuddy.com
March 19th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Oh my god, it can jump. Why keep remaking old J-Horror movies when you could make the scariest movie ever using this godforsaken thing.
March 19th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Why in the name of God did they feel the need to add the horribly frightening music during the slow motion sequences where they show us there is no way to defeat the damn thing?
March 19th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
glendoor42, you just had to compare it to an insect didn’t you? when I saw it as a dog it was scary but now all I can think about is a flyhead on that scaryass thing with hundreds of eyes and tiny hairs everywhere and now… I.. I’m just gonna go hide under the covers and cry for a while….
March 19th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
The real interesting question is what would happen if (when) Swaim tries to rape the Robot Dog?
March 19th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
I find it appropriate that killer bees are mentioned, because that’s kind of what it sounds like. I think that’s it main weakness: you could probably hear that buzzing a mile a way. Still, if I heard that in the middle of a forrest, my first thoughts would be either “Fuck! Bees!” or “Fuck! Leatherface!” not “Fuck! Robotic Dog!”
Is it just me, or does it seem like we’re intentionally making robots that will one day kill us?
March 19th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
If I was a haji and I saw that coming at me I would be pretty scared, until I saw the five guys riding mopeds and playing kazoos coming up behind it.
And way to go Darpa, test the motherfucker in snow, sure gonna see a lot of that in Iraq.
My next thought is when that thing gets deployed (if ever) it would be about ten fucking minutes after Major fucking PowerPoint leaves, before some dumbass would be riding it and about 24 hours after that before you have list of rules that rivals the NFL’s about betting on how long somebody can stay on or how to play basketball while riding on the damn things.
Or even better than that when they arm those fuckers (and they will, if it walks, rolls or flies the Army’s gonna arm it, that’s kind of the point) Somebody will fight two or three of the things to the death.(That would be kinda cool to watch)
And another fucking thing there Darpa, has anybody working on the thing actually seen a fucking dog? That don’t look like a fucking dog. That looks and sounds like a fly with it’s goddamn wings pulled.
Personally I was glad to see that they could carry up to 340 pounds. Well within my weight range.
March 19th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Finally, Swaim’s inveterate dog raping has come to its logical conclusion: the invention of an unrape-able and vengeful mechanized dog. It is exactly like Jody Foster, except its unrape-able and mechanized.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:56 am
CrazyCracker, if you’re going to criticize, you should doublecheck for inconsistencies in your own comment. Also, this was a funny post. I win.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Oh I don’t know….
Throw a collar and some fur on that thing and it might be kinda cute…
Or a psychotic killing machine with fur and a collar. You know, whatever.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:37 am
If there’s one thing I learned from Metal Gear Solid, it’s that DARPA is bad.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:18 am
For some reason, I just assumed it already had lasers– lasers and an overwhelming to destroy mankind.
Also, judging by the sound of the robot dog, it contains killer bees. The threats may be combined. The bees just waited until they had a robot dog vehicle that could carry them through the winter.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:18 am
I’m still more afraid of Hannah Montana.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Ah, fuck. Once they put lasers on that thing, we are all screwed.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:05 am
I wish I would have read the footnote about not actually fucking bees.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:05 am
I thought that Nooners were supposed to be funny or at least strangely bizarre.
The way that robot dog climbed over that pile of concrete was absolutely terrifying.