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I For One Welcome Our New Robotic Dog Overlords: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

Robotic Dogs Are Coming To Kill You

Remember when everyone was freaking out about killer bees? Back in the 90s they were the imminent threat du jour, pressing northward in a buzzing swarm of honey, stingers and death. We were completely terrified knowing that these insanely aggressive bees were coming to destroy us all...

And then nothing happened. The killer bees never really showed up (other than in a few parts of the southwest), America turned its attention to other, more pressing matters (like, oh, I don't know... TERRORISM?), and the vast majority of our great nation avoided the stinging wrath that was supposed to have been the killer bees.

That being said, allow me to introduce you to our latest national crisis. Fuck a bunch of bees1 - we've got robot dogs2 to worry about.

Why would the scientific community do this to us? Don't we already have enough to worry about in the world without robot dogs running around our forests, adding knowledge to their AI databases until they're ready to come kill us all with ruthless efficiency? What possible reason did scientists have to create such a thing? I can only come up with a few possibilities:

  • To keep our forests clear of litter and Al Qaeda operatives
  • Part of a plot to kill off all the cats in the world to end the lolcat phenomenon
  • To bring humanoid robots their slippers and newspapers
  • Because someone was like "I think I can make a robotic dog" and the other guy was like "Yeah right"
  • All perfectly valid, but none of them really do anything for me. The only benefit I get from this development is that I now get to live with the knowledge that there's a robot dog out there somewhere; one that can almost certainly outrun me on pretty much any type of terrain. Thanks, scientists.

    1 Warning: Do NOT actually attempt to fuck a bunch of bees.

    2 I guess I shouldn't be surprised that there's a "Robot Dog" wikipedia entry.

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